Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Staying for the children? :-(

54 replies

seriouslyhadenough · 10/05/2014 23:02

The background is so huge but I want to take the first step of starting a thread.

Briefly - years of financial abuse and lies.

I have thrown him out for 48 hours to give me time to think.

Two v young children who adore him.

Can't face a life of shared custody and Christmases without them :-(

Can't face the thought of him staying :-(

God I am stuck.

There is a lot of background which may gradually come out over the course of the thread. I apologise in advance for any drip feeding but I am a mess right now and can't face typing an essay at the moment.

OP posts:

17leftfeet · 10/05/2014 23:11

Staying for the children does not work

EATmum · 10/05/2014 23:20

Don't want to read and run. Hope you're OK OP.

Doearwigsmakechutney · 10/05/2014 23:23

I just wanted to send sympathy and handholding. I've decided that less (but properly enjoyable) time with the DCs is preferable to more, but exhaustingly draining, time with them, because I have to be so careful what to say to avoid upsetting stbxh.

It's a horrible decision, but it's soul destroying being in a rubbish relationship. I feel awful for the DCs, but better happy apart than miserable together I think

mammadiggingdeep · 10/05/2014 23:32

They will not thank you for staying with him.

One life. Live it well.

It's bit Christmases without them, it'll be parts of Xmas' without them. Try not to panic about the future and worry about things that may/may not happen.

Sending a virtual hug if you want one. It's not easy, bloody hardest decision to make. Been there, lived to tell the tale
X

Original poster

seriouslyhadenough · 10/05/2014 23:32

I have referred myself to the local mental health as I am breaking down.

My parents are practically begging me to tell him where to shove it but I am so torn for the children - he is essentially primary child carer.

OP posts:

Original poster

seriouslyhadenough · 10/05/2014 23:34

My son has been in floods of tears today and a quivering wreck without him being here today. He is a very very intelligent 3 year old.

OP posts:

shey02 · 10/05/2014 23:46

OP, I'm sorry you're hurting. It's awful, but you have to live your life for you. Set a GOOD example of life and love for your children. You can do this apart, you can be happy apart. And sharing kids is difficult initially, but you get used to it before you know it you'll be enjoying your free time. Do not stay in a toxic situation for your children, that is a life of misery, neglect and your children will learn all about it and believe that it is normal.

AdoraBell · 10/05/2014 23:54

My mother stayed "for the children" I wish she hadn't.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 11/05/2014 00:08

"Years of financial abuse and lies" would wipe out any tiny ounce of feeling I had. If your parents are fully in support of getting you rid of him, I suggest you just bloody-well do it. A replacement for a "primary child carer" can be found. And one who won't abuse you and lie to you either, I expect.

Take a deep breath and just get shot of him.

A happy life beckons.

TiredFeet · 11/05/2014 00:10

Oh god, its not easy is it. But you will be surprised how quickly children (and you) will settle into a new routine. It won't be easy straight away, but it doesn't sound like a good life at the moment.

supersop60 · 11/05/2014 00:20

Just think what messages the children will pick up about adult relationships if they see him abusing you/lying to you. They will think it's ok either a) to put up with it or b) to do it. Get out and be happy.

thegambler · 11/05/2014 00:31

How would you have felt if your parents told you they'd stayed together in an unhappy marriage/partnership just beacuse of you ?

Do you think ultimately your kids(his aswell I assume) will be better off with a split ?

thegambler · 11/05/2014 00:32

You never know, he may become a better father because of needing to .

bragmatic · 11/05/2014 01:03

Tell me about the financial abuse.

Do you have an accurate record off all your finances?

I just worry that he might see this as an excuse to squirrel money away.

It's your life too, you know. If both parents love them and take care if them, they will get through this.

Original poster

seriouslyhadenough · 11/05/2014 05:23

I struggle everyday to make ends meet and pay for everything. His personal bills are also on my account.

He is supposed to be looking after the children but will do things like take on "projects" that require meetings here there and everywhere which I have to pay his travel to and will leave me completely high and dry with my job. He lies to me about having not been paid but he has spent the money whilst I can't afford to feed our children and am losing days work.

I am thousands overdrawn and he uses my bank card to buy dinner for people on these projects.

This sounds frivolous maybe but it runs a lot deeper. One example is buying a house behind my back using money my parents gave us for our wedding. he manipulated me into handing it over by telling me it was for something else and crying about how desperate he was.

endless endless lies about him borrowing money off people and spending it on utterly nonsense projects whilst I pay for everything.

The most secure year we had was when he was bankrupt but slowly and surely he is back to his usual ways.

is anyone up? I can't sleep.

OP posts:

bragmatic · 11/05/2014 06:24

OK, he's done a number on you. My eyebrows were rising higher and higher reading your first two paragraphs. I was thinking 'wow, that's bad'.

And then you go and say "This sounds frivolous." Er, it sounds anything but. It sounds absolutely awful.

And then I read the rest....

He has pissed away a house using money your parents' gift money?

You are not being unreasonable. You are not. You are not.

He is a horribly abusive man. Your children might love him, but he's also abusing them.

Have you considered not having him back? He's not with you at the moment, right? Take back your bank cards, change the PIN. Take control of your money. Don't let him back in. See a solicitor and financial advisor.

I have to go out now (it's daytime here). Take a deep breath. It is possible for everything to be ok. Your children will be fine. Take care. x

FolkGirl · 11/05/2014 06:53

Leave. Just leave.

You will be so much better off mentally, emotionally and financially without him. He is destroying you.

I know, I lived through years of financial abuse and lies too.

My children went through a rough few months when their dad and I seperated, but they are now happy and well adjusted. They see him and we can afford to do things that we couldn't do before because he pissed all the money away on shit. My income is 1/3 of what our combined income was, but we have much more money!

There is nothing extra special about your children that means they won't cope. They will. And you will all be happier.

FolkGirl · 11/05/2014 06:59

In the nicest possible way, and just to debunk the beliefs that are currently keeping you in this situation...

Your 3 year old is not 'intelligent' enough to be the one making the decisions about your life.
Your 3 year old is not 'intelligent' enough to know what is best for him or his future.
Your 3 year old does not have a great enough understanding of human relationships to realise that this situation is not good for any of you.
Your 3 year old is not intelligent enough to understand the family finances.

Don't look to your 3 year old for the answers to this situation.

Look at the bigger picture, as an adult, and decide what is best for you. Because, as has been said many times on here, what is best for you will be what is best for them.

petalsandstars · 11/05/2014 07:00

Just leave - childcare will be cheaper than him. And cancel his things from your account now and get yourself a new bank card. If there's a joint account - empty it before he does

Lottapianos · 11/05/2014 07:12

Agree with everything FolkGirl said. What he's done is utterly dreadful OP. You and your children deserve so much better. I guarantee you that your children will not thank you for staying with this man. My parents stayed together 'for the children' and I resent them for making us grow up in a toxic home. Take back control of your life. Do it for you and for your children

Swisskissingisbetterthenfrench · 11/05/2014 07:23

You really need to draw a line under it and start afresh.

Egghead68 · 11/05/2014 07:28

End the relaationship. It's always a mistake to stay "for the children".

RandomMess · 11/05/2014 07:36

The fact that your parents are begging you to tell him to shove it says it all!!!

Absolutely do not have him back, cut all financial ties with him immediately. He's not even a reliable primary carer.

You'd be better off with paid for child care and getting CTC contribution, at least your job wouldn't be at risk.

lavenderhoney · 11/05/2014 07:42

Your parents love you far more than him. He's done a number on then too hasn't he? All the money they gave you ( to support your family, ie you and dc - gone) don't you hate him for spending it, making you poor , ensuring his dc have a less stable financial future?

He's gone- and 48 hrs isn't long enough. Its not. And its the weekend. You need to be able to call people, like banks etc. doctor, and get your parents round, and let then help you get shot of him. So tell him you don't know.

Let that fucker have a bit of uncertainty.

Do not think your 3 yr old should dictate what you do. They are 3. Don't tell him anything anyway- keep calm in front of him as it will help calm you.

I think you're in shock you've faced it. If you have reported yourself then. Get your parents to look after your dc and you, see a doctor.

There's no shame in leaving. Your reasons for staying don't add up. And don't stress about things you can't control. You'll stay in this mess of misery because of Christmas Day? I doubt very much if he will want the dc, tbh.

You can however control that your and your dc life gets better.

Again - don't let him bother you. More than 48 hrs, no contact til you are ready, get your parents round - break the cycle. How awful does it have to get, for you?

Only1scoop · 11/05/2014 07:43

Yes your parents desperation for you to end it speaks volumes.

You and dc can't continue like this.

Flip

1 2 3