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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying for the children? :-(

54 replies

seriouslyhadenough · 10/05/2014 23:02

The background is so huge but I want to take the first step of starting a thread.

Briefly - years of financial abuse and lies.

I have thrown him out for 48 hours to give me time to think.

Two v young children who adore him.

Can't face a life of shared custody and Christmases without them :-(

Can't face the thought of him staying :-(

God I am stuck.

There is a lot of background which may gradually come out over the course of the thread. I apologise in advance for any drip feeding but I am a mess right now and can't face typing an essay at the moment.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 11/05/2014 07:46

Is it possible your 3 year old didnt cry because his daddy wasn't there today but because he's picked up in upset and tension?

I agree with pp your 3 year old cannot decide your future.

DustBunnyFarmer · 11/05/2014 07:54

My parents stayed together 'for the children' and I resent them for making us grow up in a toxic home.

^ This, in spades.

FolkGirl · 11/05/2014 08:05

Yes, my parents also stayed together 'for the children'. It was horrible because each of them took their anger, hatred and bitterness towards the other out on my brother and myself. Horrible, horrible, horrible. And incredibly abusive. We are now NC with my mother and my dad is dead and I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.

And mamma said what I meant to, but forgot, I also think it's possible your 3 year old is picking up on the sadness and the tension in the house. It might also be you he is upset at because you are the one who is tense and upset. He might like being around his daddy because daddy is happy and relaxed because daddy is doing whatever the fuck he likes.

(I speak from experience on that last one - my relationship with the children is far better now exH is gone because I'm happier. He was always happy because he was in control. I was never happy because I could see the shit he was leading us into)

JugglingFromHereToThere · 11/05/2014 08:07

I think when OP said her 3 year old was intelligent she was just meaning that he was sensitive enough to pick up that there was some big stuff going on, and that Daddy not being there today meant something significant could be happening. I think I'd just take his message that he loves Daddy too, but you know that already. It needn't mean separating isn't the best course of action. I imagine he will carry on with those aspects of good parenting that he usually manages (but cannot be completely good parent whilst not treating you well)

FolkGirl · 11/05/2014 08:14

Juggling Yes, of course that's what she meant. Smile

But so many people stay in horrible marriages/relationships for longer than they should (me included!) because they worry about the impact on the children, that it's useful to be reminded that a young child, or child of any age, in fact, is not in any position to determine/influence the decisions of the adults.

It's natural to worry about the impact on the child, and there is an element of 'better the devil you know', but I don't know of any situation in real life where a woman would have been better off staying with an abusive man for the sake of the children.

seriously he will love his daddy too and you must facilitate contact between them, but as has been said on this board many, many times, he can still have a relationship with his child, and be a good dad, whilst living seperately and without destroying you in the process.

Charley50 · 11/05/2014 08:15

Don't stay for the children. It will only get worse. They are obviously too young to understand how he is abusing you. You will all be happier away from him. He will still have a relationship with them and you get lots of financial support as a working single parent.
It's normal to feel scared but he's no good for you or your kids.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 11/05/2014 08:19

You are thinking of the worst possible things about leaving; so what would staying look like, you going bankrupt this time?

Lweji · 11/05/2014 08:19

I agree with mamma. I doubt he misses him that much for two days that is a quivering wreck.
And there's the reverse, that he could be crying of relief. In the same way that some children let it all out with their trusted parents after a day at nursery.

The children are not benefiting from his financial mess and abuse. They will benefit from a secure home with you.

Do cut your losses short and make sure he can't get get more money off you.

As for holidays without the children, I suspect you won't have many. He doesn't sound like the type of parent who will enjoy spending much time with them, sadly.
And in any case, they will still have a safe and loving home with you. As it's going, they will start noticing they are missing out on stuff because of him. They will be in poverty because of him.

FolkGirl · 11/05/2014 08:22

And you are forgetting the other positives. You are a mother, but you are still a person in your own right too.

When he spends time with the children, you can use that to develop your own life/hobbies/friendships/etc and have fun. And you'll have the money to do it.

Children will benefit from a happier mum and a more secure life.

Can't see the downsides to it myself!

FolkGirl · 11/05/2014 08:26

Lweji is right about the poverty bit. When we had a combined gross income of £60k we couldn't afford to send our son on a £250 school trip Hmm

Last year, on a p/t salary of £10k, tax credits and maintenance, I paid for him to go on a £600 school trip on my own.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 11/05/2014 08:26

Thanks FolkGirl - I bet there are some lurkers on this thread IYKWIM
Sadly a very common dilemma, and not entirely academic here either (though not necessarily with the financial abuse aspect for everyone, just more generally)

Charley50 · 11/05/2014 08:44

My mum managed to escape my abusive dad. She went back, and the abuse continued. Throughout my childhood she told me that she went back because I 'kept crying for him.' it's not a good idea to base a decision like this on the tears of a totally clueless baby. Be strong and don't let him back he'll only bring you down more.
Good luck and tbh being a single parent is actually great!

mammadiggingdeep · 11/05/2014 09:20

Agree with only1scoop...

Your parents desire to see you end it says a great deal. They love you and want the very best for you and dc. It says it all that they think you should leave.

FolkGirl · 11/05/2014 09:29

Juggling I agree - it is sadly a very common dilemma. I wish I'd found MN years ago, I wouldn't have stayed nearly as long as I did. I'd have got out on my terms and with my self esteem and confidence a little less dented destroyed than it was.

I hate the way the responsiblity is put on the woman to almost put up and shut up and smile sweetly and carry on, turning a blind eye, rather than on the man to not behave like a dick in the first place.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2014 09:42

seriouslyhadenough

Staying for the children will only teach them that this type of abuse he has and continues to mete out to you and by turn these children is normal. Your job amongst many as their mother is to protect them from such malign influences.

I doubt very much that your children adore him; they probably are fearful of him on some level but are too young to express their feelings properly. Also they all too clearly see your own distress and how you are when their dad is around.

He needs to be gone for more than 48 hours as well.

You also need proper legal advice and asap. He likely wont get anything close to 50/50 and supervised contact should be arranged as well. The man is clearly out for his own self interest and does not give a toss about anyone else. I would also talk to Womens Aid today on 0808 2000 247. They can and will help you, you just have to call them.

HE is the root cause of your depressive state; once he is out of your life you will all feel one hell of a lot better. Your child likely picked up on your distressed state. You also have the full backing of your parents here; enlist their help too.

shey02 · 11/05/2014 09:47

Get your money together, end his access to your money and end this relationship, it's toxic, he doesn't love you. You'll have support, peace of mind and clearly more money! You'll look back one day and wonder why it took you so long, hugs. xxx

Original poster
seriouslyhadenough · 11/05/2014 09:52

There are 100 other examples I can think of - some even worse.

I need help through this.

He called in the middle of the night and said lots of money is arriving this week and I should see how I feel after that... Confused

Hardly slept last night. I am exhausted.

No he isn't here. We moved in with my parents a few weeks back and they are bolting the door. My mum quit her job yesterday to provide childcare - they are obviously trying to make it as easy for me as possible Sad.

There is a major factor I also haven't divulged as I dont want to be outed. I have a previous thread in aibu. its a slog to get to the point but maybe someone can be bothered. pleade dont post specifics on this thread. thank you Sad

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2014 10:02

I can only reiterate the advice to call Womens Aid today. They can and will help you break free. But you have to take the first step to call them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2014 10:03

Ignore his phone calls; its more BS on his part.

Seek legal advice on Monday re separation from this man.

Original poster
seriouslyhadenough · 11/05/2014 10:03

how do they help?

OP posts:
shey02 · 11/05/2014 10:04

Btw your parents sound great. Lucky you having them. x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2014 10:04

They can advise you on your current situation and can I believe point you in the direction of legal advice.

You all cannot go on as you are so change has to be forthcoming now.

bragmatic · 11/05/2014 12:48

Money, you say?

If it materialises, consider it as payment for the debt he's left you in.

It is within your power to have a good life again. I'm glad your parents are on your side.

petalsandstars · 11/05/2014 12:57

I think I remember your other thread re moving you all into your parents house and the respect issues etc.

Your parents obviously have your (not his) best interests at heart and please believe you will be much better off without him. Make him stay away and get a shit hot lawyer. You will be in a much better position with the other stuff going on as well to separate.

bragmatic · 11/05/2014 13:07

Oh yes, I remember.

You're doing the right thing.

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