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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dear STBXH

973 replies

WellWhoKnew · 10/05/2014 22:44

Thank you for trying to save me costs of divorce by selecting a solicitor for me and by covering their costs, you are doing me a favour, I know.

Thank you for being fair by offering to take only 40% of the assets in my name to enable a quick resolution to the end of the marriage, which is what you want.

Of course, I realise that the assets in your name aren't mine because you are the man. Sorry you are THE MAN. I do keep getting things wrong, so I perfectly understand that you want a divorce.

All the same, thank you for offering me a speedy divorce by asking me to agree that we have been separated for two years so that I can move on with my life. Okay, we both know it's less than two weeks in actualment since you walked. I remain in shock but I'm so grateful that you have my best interests at heart during this difficult time.

So, Soon To Be Ex-Husband, thank you.

Because you are a twat and I'm so much better off without you.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 04/07/2014 21:45

He is one deluded bastard--how did he manage to hide this side of his charactor so well from you?
Keep posting--you are truely amazing and l hope a year or so doen the line you find a publisher Flowers

Holdthepage · 04/07/2014 21:57

One of my favourite threads on Mumsnet ever. I hope one day your STBXH gets to read your letters.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 04/07/2014 22:40

His generosity is really quite overwhelming. I don't know how you could possibly refuse his generous offer of the caravan.

I presume the SHL will be sending a marginally sanitised version of your reply :)

Original poster
WellWhoKnew · 04/07/2014 22:46

It is the character change that is so scary - he really has never been like this. Looking back, I first noticed that he had become almost unloveable six months ago, the night before the crime was committed. Then he seemed to rally, and all was well again for a few months. Then he announced he wanted a divorce - by email.

I've spoken to several mental health specialists because I am terrified that there is something seriously wrong with him - and I'm doing him a massive injustice by fighting my corner, by keeping my optimism and by talking about him.

Reality is: if he was mentally ill, he would not be getting up for work every day, playing a huge amount of team sports, and appearing to be seemingly normal to people in contact with him.

It is just a side of his character he is able to hide extremely well - for me, for fifteen years. Now he is imploding.

And I am the collateral damage.

It is very hard to live with with, but live with it is the only option I have.

That's why I post - because somehow I have to cope with what is happening to me. I have always been good at managing in a crisis, I've always been a very strong independent woman. But this, this is a whole new level of difficult.

I just want to come out the other side, still be me, still be optimistic, still be capable. No matter what he throws at me.

He is divorcing me, so I justify my actions that I should have no loyalty to him. Just to me.

But this is a daily argument I have with myself though. I feel very disloyal and guilty. But I have to survive this, and these letters give me a voice when I really don't have one. The other options are unthinkable.

OP posts:
IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 04/07/2014 23:12

Please don't ever stop coming here to vent and for support, it will always be here for you.

'He is divorcing me, so I justify my actions that I should have no loyalty to him. Just to me.' Never forget this, when you start to feel disloyal and guilty, he's divorcing you, you've done nothing wrong.

Wickeddevil · 04/07/2014 23:13

You don't need to justify your actions or anything else for that matter. He has done what he has done and you are dealing with it.

But do keep posting. You should be very proud of your strength and of your coping abilities, but you are allowed to be honest and you are also allowed you have moments of not coping.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/07/2014 00:59

well he forfeited his right to your loyalty when he walked out that door. You owe him nothing and are justified in everything, for you lived up to your end of the marital bargain until that fateful day. He owes you everything, for he lied and deceived you, breaking the marital bargain over and over, probably for some time before he left.

I'm not talking about infidelity or anything, just that an honourable man, if he finds himself wanting out of a marriage, finds a way to deal as gently as possible with his wife and makes sure she understands that it's him, not her. And he also sees that she is treated fairly in the divorce. He has failed on all counts.

Or as we say; f**k him and the horse he rode in on! He's riding out on shank's pony 'cuz you're keeping that horse!!

Loriens · 05/07/2014 01:10

Dear WellWhoKnew
Having ventured into relationships when my husband told me we were separating I came across your thread. I wish I could write as well as you. I feel your pain but admire the strength I don't have at the moment. Wishing you less pain and happiness somewhere along the line

Original poster
WellWhoKnew · 05/07/2014 01:20

He didn't just lie to me, he lied to his family. His children, his mother, his sister, her husband, their child. His best friend, my brother, my mother. Absolutely everyone I know, and absolutely everyone we know.

He has done me a massive disservice. He has done them a massive disservice too.

But he's okay with that because he earns a lot of money.

I'm not okay with it. I do not believe having money makes you a better quality of person.

Never have done. Never will do. Never did do.

I am going to fight this with every ounce of my being. As someone wrote to me recently: the only people who will win out of this are the lawyers.

Good.

I'm fine with that. This is not about the money. This is about the dignity.

I'm dirt poor right now because of his actions. I may well end up dirt poor after I have fought my corner.

But fuck me, at least I stood up and got myself counted.

Always have done, always will do, I just do.

I will always care for others. I will always care for me.

He can just fuck off.

OP posts:
Original poster
WellWhoKnew · 05/07/2014 01:38

Dear Loriens,

You don't need to have a gift of writing to express your hurt and bewilderment.

You do need to ask for help, to talk to people, to ask for support.

I have very limited strength - I am largely redundant and crap. I am largely a wreck - someone you would walk the long way round to avoid saying hello to.

Get yourself support, and let them do the hard yards. Let them carry you onwards and upwards.

That's what I'm doing.

It really sucks to be in this situation, sometimes we have to accept help, and acknowledge our own helplessness.

What we are going through is catastrophic. But we can choose to survive and thrive. We can choose to give in.

Just accept the help, and don't let the bastard grind you down.

I post here and tell only half of the story. This is my life. It sucks. It hurts. It is barely believable. But it's my story.

One day, I will move on. It's just not going to happen this week.

OP posts:
Loriens · 05/07/2014 01:39

I am not at the fighting stage, didn't think I would be but tonight has proved me wrong, keep fighting soon I hope I have the strength to do the same

nespressofan · 05/07/2014 01:39

--He didn't just lie to me, he lied to his family. His children, his mother, his sister, her husband, their child. His best friend, my brother, my mother. Absolutely everyone I know, and absolutely everyone we know.

He has done me a massive disservice. He has done them a massive disservice too.

But he's okay with that because he earns a lot of money.

I'm not okay with it. I do not believe having money makes you a better quality of person.

Never have done. Never will do. Never did do.

I am going to fight this with every ounce of my being. As someone wrote to me recently: the only people who will win out of this are the lawyers.

Good.

I'm fine with that. This is not about the money. This is about the dignity.

I'm dirt poor right now because of his actions. I may well end up dirt poor after I have fought my corner.

But fuck me, at least I stood up and got myself counted.--

Loriens · 05/07/2014 01:41

Cross posted, sorry and thank you. Irony is I am usually a good writer, just can't find the words at the moment. I never thought I would or could feel pain like this.

nespressofan · 05/07/2014 01:47

Loriens, I hear you. I have followed this thread since the beginning. I can't yet put words down on paper and I am normally eloquent on paper and physically. But the pain is tangible and no words can say what we are going through. These nights with no sleep are awful, but grateful for the next night when so tired, sleep unfitfully but still cannot put one foot in front of the other next day. I hate me for being like this but I hate him even more for being like him. Ghastly ghastly individual.

Loriens · 05/07/2014 01:53

Nespressofan, I so agree I hate me for being like this. I need to leave rather than watching, waiting and all the rest Remember my pride, but leaving means that it really is over...

Original poster
WellWhoKnew · 05/07/2014 01:55

Dear Loriens,

If you can't find the words to type, don't be hard on yourself.

Someone has just pulled the rug from under your feet. You don't have a scoopy doo which way is up.

In fact, you probably don't know how to spell 'up'.

That's how bad things are for you right now.

PM me if you want to talk in person.

Best wishes,

WWK.

OP posts:
Loriens · 05/07/2014 01:59

WWK, thank you and sorry for the hijack

nespressofan · 05/07/2014 02:00

Loriens I don't know your story. I can only reiterate WWK's words cos they resonate so very closely to my story. I only hope every one of us finds peace one day. At the moment though, it is a very dark, very deep, hole. Holding on to my no longer manicured finger nails and clawing my way out. The crap under my nails stinks. It really does.

Original poster
WellWhoKnew · 05/07/2014 02:31

Loriens:

Don't apologise. You haven't hijacked - you have contributed.

It is so hard to be the anomaly. But you come here and say 'me too'. You have no idea how much that normalises the situation.

Thank you for standing up and being counted.

If I/we can help, just ask.

It's all we can do.

WWK

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 05/07/2014 08:39

he is staggering isn't he? a caravan....

just...

wow!

why does he seem to think he has claim on your assets and you have none on his? i'm baffled by how determinedly he's clinging to that delusion.

Thumbwitch · 05/07/2014 08:52

Well your SHL is going to disillusion him soon, isn't she. Hope she rips him a new one, tbh.

loriens - up to you, you can start your own thread if you want to just spill stream of consciousness stuff there, or just stay on here to share with WWK - if you decide to do your own, we'll come over to hold you up there too. x

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir · 05/07/2014 09:44

I've had to bookmark this to come back to it later. Fantastic and inspirational.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/07/2014 10:16

Isn't it funny how the more money some people have, the more they cling to it as though it were their last penny?

I guess the theory is to offer you as little as possible so that you're humbly grateful when you walk out of it with something more than nothing. (A caravan! How lovely!) Best thing to do IMO is carry on with claiming what your SHL advises you are entitled to, totally ignoring any "offers" made by the party of the second part, who has clearly left this planet and is pedalling hard in the direction of the next galaxy but one.

It's hard, though, to see what appeared to be a perfectly decent life partner turn into some kind of aggressive pod person. At least when my marriage ended (and I was the one who instigated that) I could finally let go of 25 years' worth of simmering resentments and say "at last I don't have to try to forgive that... and that... and Oh god, I'd forgotten that one!" You have only one year of moderately shitty behaviour (and two months of very very shitty behaviour) to set against fourteen years of reasonable partnership. It will take some getting used to. You're doing fabulously, but you wouldn't be human if you didn't have some massive crash days. Carry on being kind to yourself, and when you get the settlement, buy your SHL the biggest bunch of flowers in the poshest shop in town.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/07/2014 14:26

Well, tbh I love my caravan….on holidays for a few weeks at a time. What a wanker!

It's almost as if he's on drugs or something (probably the 'something' is latent assholiness) from some of the suggestions he's making. It's one of the mysteries of life to me, how people who have always been normal and reasonable suddenly turn so irrational and, well, just stupid when it comes to divorce & finances. Men who, before, would have denied their wives and children nothing suddenly can't stand to see them have anything and would gladly see them hungry and homeless. Nope, just don't get it.

aylesburyduck · 06/07/2014 15:36

A caravan?!?

Shock what a dickhead!