Dear STBXH

[WellWhoKnew]

Thank you for trying to save me costs of divorce by selecting a solicitor for me and by covering their costs, you are doing me a favour, I know.

Thank you for being fair by offering to take only 40% of the assets in my name to enable a quick resolution to the end of the marriage, which is what you want.

Of course, I realise that the assets in your name aren't mine because you are the man. Sorry you are THE MAN. I do keep getting things wrong, so I perfectly understand that you want a divorce.

All the same, thank you for offering me a speedy divorce by asking me to agree that we have been separated for two years so that I can move on with my life. Okay, we both know it's less than two weeks in actualment since you walked. I remain in shock but I'm so grateful that you have my best interests at heart during this difficult time.

So, Soon To Be Ex-Husband, thank you.

Because you are a twat and I'm so much better off without you.

Haha brilliant wwk - I hope the famous train was the orient express courtesy of generous old stbxh!

Lots of coping ciggies round these parts too!

Good lunch with your SHL today x

Luck not lunch! Although maybe that's not a bad idea!

wwk loving your work on this thread (which I hadn't seen until today). I am now seriously behind on my housework.

Dear Dick,

I'm curious about body parts today, following yet another meeting with my solicitor. I told her about you once screaming with rage because, and I quote, "I didn't even ask about your dick".

Your dick does provide some giggles these days, and a lot of guffaws.

We were wondering about your head, your dicky heart, and your hands as well.

With regard to your hands - do you have RSI? You don't mention it in your lengthy medical report. I mean I wouldn't be surprised after all those long emails you used to type out to bollock me and my SHL for our waywardness. And now, and your 'shs' seem to be very reticent about putting anything in writing. Don't worry, we've alerted the judge to your combined inabilities to getting your arses into gear.

Anyway, we have sent off our questionnaire, statement of truth and chronology today.

I imagine you're going to react with ear-splitting cuss words. You may choke on them for all I care. Your not-pretty-little-head can implode with indignation. Still not caring.

How very dare anyone ask these questions of you? How very dare I have my own opinions and beliefs? How very dare your pathetic Form E be assessed as incompetent? How very dare have my own history, unapproved by you?

I can feel your blood pressure rising even from this far away.

I'm giggling again.

What you with having a very 'delicate' dicky heart condition an' all to have to cope with the bollocking that you are increasingly likely to get if you carry on being a twat. And all this stress that us 'hounding' you is causing you.

My SHL told me an amusing anecdote about a pilot's wife last year, who suddenly found herself married to a man who was at death's door and who wanted to spend the few months remaining in his precious life, not being married to his wife. Lo and Behold when it was enquired as to how he was managing to continue working, despite the very real risk of dropping down dead in an instant, it turned out he had a touch of 'man-flu' when he wrote that. Because his 'fitness to fly' was as glowing as his bullshit.

I have to say, though, it's weird to think that it's you who is getting the bollockings these days.

I shouldn't be surprised though, after all you and your bollocks removed yourself from my life, your 'health and wealth' are taking a battering.

So, it's true, I really don't care about your dick, your dickheadedness nor you dickwittery.

Dickless wife.

Oo err - he's a right dick isn't he?

Cheers to being being bollock free and happy wwk

His dick is someone else's problem now. Hurrah.

Is his dick and his RSI problems related sorry couldn't resist.

You might be on to something there Clutter, although I think it's overuse of the one on the top of his head.

The last time I saw / heard / whatever such abundant use of the word "dick" was when I was teaching German to year 7.

Well done for finishing the questionnaire. Did you remember the Rolex?

Have a spare blood pressure measuring thingy in the cupboard surplus to requirement now.

No, funnily enough the Rolex didn't make it on to the Form E. Mind you, there's quite a bit that didn't make it onto Form E!

What did make it on to Form E was that my last uni course, which he claims cost 25K, and so forms part of his 'special contribution to our marriage'. I think he's pissed of that it's an 'asset' that clearly I've been dumped with and one which he can't prevent me keeping...so he wants it taken into consideration. Ho hum.

He has now decided what he needs to do the same uni course, but claims it will 'only' cost 15K. We're querying that...

I don't know how he's going to do another uni course though - I gave him tons of guidance with his first one and I believe the next Mrs Dickhead speaks mostly horizontal English if you know what I mean.

I take it the court's version of Form E was the same as the one he sent you/your SHL then...that should look dreadful good in court then!

Oh well, I hope your SHL had fun disseminating it and drafting the appropriate response.

Oops, one too many 'then's' in the opening line.

Hi Andro, we still don't know. We've written twice to 'shs' but sadly she's got chronic RSI as well.

Or quite frankly she's worked out he's a twat and is sinking him on my behalf (Well, I can dream a little)

So we've written to the court to point out that as yet, we have not received 'full and frank' disclosure, pointing out the deadline was 18 days ago.

Oh boy, he really working hard to look as bad as possible isn't he?

and for you though, you're doing amazingly.

You are so lucky WWK that he is not Henry VIII.

Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived?

Crap - that doesn't foretell a happy ending for me, does it!

I'll be seeing him in a fortnight so I'll be checking up on his chronic obesity that he mysteriously claimed in the last court hearing (by way of telephone) that is also suspiciously not mentioned in his Form E for in this court hearing (face-to-face).

(I may take you up on your offer of the heart pressurey machiney thingy to accompany in court, just in case my SHB's submissions cause his coronary)

Did you not say there were issues with his "horizontal" anything?

In this case, he may be doing the next Form E before he knows it.

Since you said your head was your greatest asset ...

It's all yours, funnily enough it does not feature in his version of the schedule of chattels.

Anything to stop him from keeling over while is having to pay spousal maintenance.

Hilarious, Karen! Very clever!

Not had his schedule of assets yet...just a claim for me to give him £500 pounds to keep the furniture in my home.

I s'pect he'll send me an invoice next month with 8% interest charge for non-payment.

Did you not know that? I am completely serious for once.

As far as I know, Karen, or as far as I used to know, he was the epitome of good health, insofar I, as a qualified first aider could ascertain, up until the day he left me (and aside from the aforementioned wonky willy issue). He is slightly shorter than average, and a bit muscley, has very little body fat, and plays sport 5/6 times a week.

I only learnt he had a heart condition, FROM WHICH HE IS GOING TO DROP DOWN DEAD FROM AT ANY MOMENT IN TIME, when he submitted his 'defence' three hours before the last court hearing, and when he revealed to the judge (by way of telephone hearing) that he was in actual fact regarded in medical terms as 'obese'.

And, err, after I went to court, I hooked up with my friend and her husband, neither of whom's highest level of medical knowledge is First Aid.

I said: "Well, today's surprise is that he has a heart condition FROM WHICH HE IS GOING TO DROP DOWN DEAD FROM AT ANY MOMENT IN TIME"

She said 'Oh, don't tell me he's got the [named heart condition]

I said 'yes, that's it'. And that's how I learnt almost all athletes, and grossly overweight people have it. It is not a life-threatening illness. It does not even require a 'life-style' change, aside from, perhaps doing a little less rigorous sport.

In fact both her and her husband did this

At the same time I learnt that it is no longer politically correct to call people grossly overweight. Apparently, it is now 'jollily overweight'.

Since STBXH is neither jolly nor overweight, I have little or no regard for his obesity.

And that's how I learnt, by incidentally having a very lovely friend, who works with other people, who are also rather lovely, and whom also cannot boast that their highest level of qualification is a Boy Scouts/Brownies' First Aid Certificate, that actually he is the epitome of good health for a man of his age.

But, by having a SHB and a SHL I have learnt it is not for me to prove that he has a heart condition FROM WHICH HE IS GOING TO DROP DOWN DEAD FROM AT ANY MOMENT IN TIME. It is for him to prove....

And in other news: His blood pressure was 'excellent' for a man of his age (nowhere near retirement).

So I fear, that should I accept your Toad's tablets, I'll be accused of pre-mediated murder.

But thanks for the offer.

"pre-mediated murder? - I've just devised a new crime for divorcing spouses!

I did actually mean premeditated murder!