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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dear STBXH

973 replies

WellWhoKnew · 10/05/2014 22:44

Thank you for trying to save me costs of divorce by selecting a solicitor for me and by covering their costs, you are doing me a favour, I know.

Thank you for being fair by offering to take only 40% of the assets in my name to enable a quick resolution to the end of the marriage, which is what you want.

Of course, I realise that the assets in your name aren't mine because you are the man. Sorry you are THE MAN. I do keep getting things wrong, so I perfectly understand that you want a divorce.

All the same, thank you for offering me a speedy divorce by asking me to agree that we have been separated for two years so that I can move on with my life. Okay, we both know it's less than two weeks in actualment since you walked. I remain in shock but I'm so grateful that you have my best interests at heart during this difficult time.

So, Soon To Be Ex-Husband, thank you.

Because you are a twat and I'm so much better off without you.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 07/08/2014 13:12

Haha… one of the old ones… when you are going through hell, keep going! Grin

Jux · 07/08/2014 22:27

Is that KB? !!!

WellWhoKnew · 07/08/2014 22:44

It is, Jux.

What a woman - what a completely different woman!

And what a time for her to pop up.

OP posts:
Karenthetoadslayer · 07/08/2014 23:23

Hi Jux Flowers Smile

Are we having a reunion on WWK's thread?

Wine Wine Wine

WellWhoKnew · 07/08/2014 23:29

Dear STBXH,

Yesterday, you broke me. You took me back to day 1. The most precious of "things" we had was taken away, and the same day something utterly symbolic was also removed. Everyone who turns up to remove our 'capital assets' have been very nice people, whether they've come from near or far.

And yet, I ended up married to you. Where the fuck did I go wrong?

Your surprise divorce petition reads as 'woe is me'. What kind of pitiful human are you? Really?

I ignored you one night over a year ago; I didn't understand you buying pills online; I once shouted at you in front of your family - once (and recently, when you had had your sudden personality transplant); I asked you to make some phone calls.

All of these caused you 'upset and hurt'.

It's not like I shagged anyone else. I never hit you, I never lied to you, I never gambled, I never beat the children or the animals. I never even had a shopping habit.

I couldn't: you ran the bank accounts.

They have no idea that you are the driving force for the sales, or of my despair. After all, they haven't done anything wrong. I treat them as decent human beings: it's not their fault they are benefiting from the demise of my life as I knew it.

Everything I have, every asset in my name, is now sold or up for sale. I have lost my marriage, my best friend, my home, my career, my future, my dreams and my hopes.

How is your sex life? Is your dick working now?

Oh, no - I can't ask. After all, I'm also being divorced for asking whether or not you were having an affair. You made that my fourth crime. Me not asking after your health also made it into the divorce petition.

So that makes six.

Technically, if you've had sex since we last did, just before you fucked off, I can still cross petition - for adultery. So be careful who you boast to, because you'll be paying the court fees all over again.

Isn't the law a wonderful thing?

But I'll KOKO.

And yet, I am still making arrangements for you and your belongings to be reunited - and you're pissed off I won't give you free storage in my home. You're bleating to everyone how selfish I am.

More to the point - you have yet to pay the rent, your maintenance is late.

But the upswing of being forced to sell the capital assets, is that I don't have to move them to the client account until you pay the maintenance.

As an aside, Team WWK is now welcoming a Financial Advisor. The best deals they can get for my savings is 3.4%. You know that court ordered late payments come with a surcharge of 8%.

Be as late as you want, my dear, it makes for an amazing investment.

Put 'prison time' on you bucket list.

Hilariously, I've just completed my Form E - something you are uncannily occupied about - and with your maintenance payments: I am now 'earning' more than I have ever done when I worked. And when I worked, I worked hard. You asked me to give up my career. You know exactly where it took me. You know exactly what award I was given for it.

And yet, I prized you.

No one can take my award away from me. Not. even. you.

When I'm a snotty mess on the floor, dealing with the demise of our marriage - I am the epitome of the women you hate.

I am learning to like your hate.

Wife, calculating.

OP posts:
IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 08/08/2014 00:05

Hug

TheHoneyBadger · 08/08/2014 00:44

do learn to like it. it's ok to be human and in no way unlikable except to the inhuman.

WellWhoKnew · 08/08/2014 01:08

I'm glad that KB has turned up here. KB and friends: party hard = it is a fantastic interruption!

KB - you're one of those women who inspire women. KOKO.

OP posts:
Jux · 08/08/2014 01:44

WWK, I'm sorry that today has been hard Thanks. It is the dismantling of your life, hopes and dreams, now, but it is also an opportunity to make more dreams, to develop greater hope and to make a good life for yourself.

Of course, he's still an entitled Twunt.

Jux · 08/08/2014 01:45

KB! How utterly delightful to see you WineWineWine or "trebles all round!" as Private Eye says they say.

Karenthetoadslayer · 08/08/2014 09:11

WWK when Toad was gone DS commented that he thought we would be really happy now, immediately and it would be like a magic wand or even like recovering from an illness, but it's not.

When things happen that upset me or I receive a particularly disgusting letter from his solicitor, it makes me feel just as bad as day 1 and I cannot even shout and swear, because I have to keep smiling and not worry the children. I now find it actually helps to keep smiling, get through the day, (eat Haribo sweets Grin get through a sleepless night and the next day is somehow better.

Would it help if you just did something else? Can you take some "time off" from things? Go on holiday or stay with friends? I always find just getting out of the house, even just going for a walk with the children gives me a huge boost. Doing things he would not let us do or couldn't do because he is so fat. Oh great, I can just call him fat now, as opposed to referring to it as an "illness" or "morbidly obese" or the pathetic way he referred to himself as not being "mobile", whereas he is just a fat bastard.

Our recent activity holiday gave me a huge boost and now I have lovely pictures of my happy and relaxed children playing on the beach, contrasting with worried and pale little faces last year when Toad would not allow them to play on the beach.

So can you just mentally tell him to get stuffed, do something else that you enjoy while you know that he is sitting there, counting the pennies and is seething?

WellWhoKnew · 08/08/2014 14:18

Dear STBXH,

I've been so resentful the last few days having to pack and sell everything: it's heartbreaking. You get to carry on with your life.

Checked my bank account this morning - no maintenance Sad...checked it this afternoon - bingo!

I bet that hurt having to do that. Good!

I note you changed the title from 'voluntary payment' to MAINTENANCE FROM HIS FULL NAME.

I THINK THE WORLD AND HIS DOG WILL WORK OUT THAT IT IS THE EXACT AMOUNT YOU WERE COURT ORDERED TO PAY SO YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOUT.

After all, you're still going to be getting copies of my bank statements from now til this is all over so anything I do, you'll be informed of.

As an aside I did have a little chuckle the other day when the solicitor sent through the notes from our hearing: You complained to the judge that I'd changed the passwords on my bank account so you couldn't monitor my spending. You seemed to think that I was being sinister for doing so.

But as the judge pointed out: I am not a woman given to spending outlandishly or unnecessarily - I am in fact a rather predictable spender!

And then you began querying different outgoings on my bank account - and referred to documents that you denied we had sent.

But no, you'll only get my bank statements as and when I am required to submit them - and undoubtedly, I'll be getting yours. You have a lot of explaining to do as it is.

But at least now I feel like I'm being paid to clean up the mess of this marriage, rather than being taken for granted that I can cope with it, or putting up with you just not giving a damn, and your endless decrees.

And I can now afford to cope with the car breaking down, and sorting out the repair....£800 pounds of ouch! But still - it demonstrates 'need'. It also makes your 'quietly spoken' voluntary payment look incredibly insufficient - which it was.

And the best bit: like all "employees" I'm going to book some time off 'work' and have a holiday.

And yes: I'll be taking the bank card so you'll know where I've been, whether I've eaten or drank anything and what activities I've got myself involved.

I might even buy some condoms.

Wife.

OP posts:
Karenthetoadslayer · 08/08/2014 15:00

Well done, have a holiday! Smile

ptumbi · 08/08/2014 15:14

Yes! A holiday! Just what you need. Good for you. And make sure you spend all 'his'money,

getthefeckouttahere · 08/08/2014 15:39

oh if he's getting yr bank statements i think at the very least you should hire a male escort just once!! (even if you just get him to do some odd jobs when he comes!)

Dazoo · 08/08/2014 16:03

Excellent! My God, you deserve a holiday!

If all that were needed were the bank statements I'd be tempted take out cash to pay for the holiday and let the fucker wonder what it was spent on. I have no idea if that's allowed though.

ItHasANiceRingWhenYouLaugh · 08/08/2014 16:31

I would SO revert to cash if I was basically being spied on by a loser like him. How dare he? Angry

FantasticButtocks · 08/08/2014 16:39

Cashback, every time you go the supermarket… Grin

AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2014 16:44

Lovely! I hope you go somewhere full of music, laughter, poolside cocktails, sunshine, sand, and lovely men in skimpy bathing trunks!

Me, I'm off to Disneyland. I'll catch up when I get back!

redexpat · 08/08/2014 17:07

Another de-lurker here. You really really should publish this when the dust has settled. You are inspirational.

PicandMinx · 08/08/2014 18:51

Oh yes cash only! Take out every penny each month.

WellWhoKnew · 08/08/2014 19:03

Sadly to prove I have a 'lifestyle' it has to be accounted for. I'd only have to justify my cash expenditure with receipts, so it's not worth the hassle.

Divorce is a massive intrusion on your life Grin!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/08/2014 21:27

Is he insisting on this to "prove" that you are pissing money up the wall and that your previous lifestyle could be provided for on much less?

Or is the judge saying you have to do this to make sure his figures awarded are correct?

I am only asking because I have never heard of this before, he really cant let go can he?!

WellWhoKnew · 08/08/2014 21:49

It's pretty standard - when you are divorcing via the courts (e.g. not doing a DIY divorce): you have to supply full and frank exchange of financial information - so that's all bank statements, all insurances, pensions, assets etc. Your whole life then gets valued, and the assets/investments split (the starting point is half - but it doesn't have to be).

And they get to pick them apart. As indeed I will do his.

So by disclosing bank statements, firstly your 'needs' can be established - e.g. financial commitments, and then your lifestyle requirements. So if there's a 'sudden' increase in outlay - post separation, it may flag up that you are disposing of assets to prevent the other party getting to them, for example.

Which is why we are very much looking forward to seeing his bank statements to explain where a massive chunk of money has vanished to, whether indeed he did stop his pension as he has claimed, had so little in the bank like he argued in court. He's already had a caution from the judge, so if he carries on, we can stick the boot in.

Like I say - you lie to a judge, you take your chances they are in a good mood that day and only order financial compensation. Bad mood can see you imprisoned.

It is interesting times await in September.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/08/2014 21:52

He could really go to prison?! Wow, I didnt know that!

When ex and I divorced we sat down with some beers and filled in the forms together, no mediation or anything and it was done in 4 months flat. In fact I think I wrote more of ex's petition than he did, but I realise that that is a very unusual situation!

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