Dear STBXH

[WellWhoKnew]

Thank you for trying to save me costs of divorce by selecting a solicitor for me and by covering their costs, you are doing me a favour, I know.

Thank you for being fair by offering to take only 40% of the assets in my name to enable a quick resolution to the end of the marriage, which is what you want.

Of course, I realise that the assets in your name aren't mine because you are the man. Sorry you are THE MAN. I do keep getting things wrong, so I perfectly understand that you want a divorce.

All the same, thank you for offering me a speedy divorce by asking me to agree that we have been separated for two years so that I can move on with my life. Okay, we both know it's less than two weeks in actualment since you walked. I remain in shock but I'm so grateful that you have my best interests at heart during this difficult time.

So, Soon To Be Ex-Husband, thank you.

Because you are a twat and I'm so much better off without you.

And, AIBU to almost want him to be a total dick so he does go to prison, if it werent for the financial ramifications on you for losing his job?!

WWK you are fantastic! I wish i had had you in my corner when i was going through a very messy divorce. You ought to gather all your 'letters' and publish them. They would have given me strength and support when i was going through it and they remind me now that i was strong, even when i least felt it. Your lawyer sounds brilliant, too. I was too nice to my XH and wish now i had followed my first instinct and gone to the lawyer i know who has killer instincts and goes for the jugular. Through you, and your wonderful pressure-releasing posts, i can imagine that i have done that.

I feel your pain WWK I am just going through the forms and providing evidence for some low value deposits questioned by Toad. These low value deposits were from the sale of the cheap jewellery that he gifted to me and I sold to start funding my solicitor, if he must know.

It will be my pleasure to provide an explanation.

Bogey You are quite correct. If I annihilate him, I annihilate me. I like my nose being attached to my face, although I have a pretty unremarkable nose, in fact: it's not a particularly redeeming feature: I am just aware it adds some value to my face.

Not that my face is particularly remarkable either!

But still, my nose remains firmly attached to my face.

But for every problem, there is a solution...

I only write about what's gone before. I remind myself: I do have a SHL and a SHB, and I'm not overly dimwitted myself.

For every problem...I come here to rant and rave.

But never to seek a solution directly.

There's a wealth of information around these parts. I've a good nose for finding out things...

...which is why I like my nose being attached to my face...

As someone who has repeatedly suffered from the loss of their nose, I admire you for being able to keep hold of yours! Mine too is unremarkable, as is my face, but somehow I never seem to be quite the same without the two in conjunction. Sadly, that is something I forget until I am noseless.

You are an inspiration :)

Dear STBXH,

Someone upthread gifted me a song - called my silver linings by First Aid Kit. It's an apt song.

My silver lining is your thunderstorm. And it's been weeks since it rained.

But, having got your very precise decree to put your belongings into an agreed safe place, outdoors, ready for collection tomorrow - would you believe it - a storm has blown in.

It transpires God serves justice just like judges.

By way of condolence, I gift you a song:

I AM KIMBRA

You're out of my house. Your things are out of my house. Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Wife, standing tall, not stooping. Doesn't need to: God and Judges take care of you.

Such karma!!

Such a shame about the storm. Tee hee!

oh dear...he's not going to be happy about his things being damp! oh well

WWK I very rarely post on mumsnet nowadays but have been following your thread and just want to echo what others have said, you have been amazingly stoic through some quite frankly terrible treatment. I love the song you posted and particularly that version, reminds me of someone "I used to know" - unfortunately I still have to know him because of our two wonderful sons. He screwed me over in 2007 and I posted about it on here, the help I got was amazing. 7 years later, I have a fantastic life with my sons, who are exceptionally clever and kind, and have married and had two more children, I look back now and think "THANK GOODNESS HE DID THAT" - something I never thought I would. KOKO , feel free to search out my thread, although I have no ideas if it's still there x IHISH

Well done WWK.

Hope the collection "went well". Hahaha. That song is one of those that gets overplayed but I never tire of it, one of the simplest and most effective putdowns ever.

Get on that holiday. Beach, mountains, country retreat, whatever.

Dear STBXH,

You write to me today to ask for some information for your Form E.

When you fucked off with all my personal paperwork, as you chose to do (without my even realising it) did you not think that I would need it?

Why is my Form E less significant than yours?

You want/need that information - you deal with it.

I already have.

I.am.not.going.to.make.life.easy.for.you.com

After all, you set the standard.

I just make the effort to meet it.

Doesn't that just suck?

Wife, Queen of paperwork.

Hi WWK,
Thanks for the song and posts.
So similar to my situation and STBXH's behaviour.
Almost word for word at times.
I am lucky he valued money more than his children so have been allowed to return home overseas in return for giving up a proportion of what I would be entitled to.
Family are an amazing support and worth more than money.
I have had the last laugh.
Who ever he took his ring off and washed and perfumed for has rejected Him Who Must Be Respected.
He is living with mother so will still be told to wash and brush his teeth etc.
What did I see in him?

You are amazing. Never forget it.

Mucheasiernow

I am lucky he valued money more than his children so have been allowed to return home overseas in return for giving up a proportion of what I would be entitled to.

Have you/he filed for divorce yet, have you signed anything?

If you/he has filed is it overseas or is it here?

Have you had legal advice here? I hope so. The welfare of the children means you get more than 50% if you are the primary carer. You should not be giving up a proportion of your entitlement to enable this.

Please assure me you've had legal advice as what you write flies in the face of the law as it stands.

WWK
My not so DH of 10 years (13 together) planned his departure for a year so he could move countries and not split finances 50 / 50.
He maintained the semblance of a normal relationship and even was intimate 2 days before leaving, once he had been resident in new country for a full year.
I knew what I was giving up but he does not know that, he can't understand that not everyone is money driven.
He walked away with 4 times what he gave me.

He has filed (throwing me into a spin again) but we agreed (signed) settlement prior to that.
My solicitor did advise full disclosure but that would have meant a lengthy court battle and give him time to establish a relationship with our children and lessened my chances of court permission.

As it stood I would have got permission to relocate from the courts but that would have been traumatic and expensive for me and the children.
He is wealthy (inherited) and could afford to fight it and quit work.

I am ok financially for basic needs and once kids at school and I am retrained we will be able to afford extras. I am not bothered about not getting his family money, that was his but cannot understand his reluctance to split the rest fairly as it would be used to benefit his children.

The saddest bit is that he is divorcing himself from the children. Contact is sparse and he will not consider their needs or feelings above his own.

My new life is worth every penny. Kids are happy and we do not have to consider or plan our lives around the selfish one.

Well done you! The court process is stressful, expensive and difficult so I fully understand why you made your decision as you did.

It is likely that the judge will review your financial settlement, and you may have to testify that you accept it.

He didn't quite figure out all of his plans very well - you, on the other hand, have done amazingly well. Well done.

I just want to say how much everyone's posts help give perspective.
It is amusing how close to the "script" the responses of the men are.
I have read so many accounts that mirror my experience.
A year on and my collapses in despair are fewer and I am accepting that I will never know WHY.

We are all amazing!
They walk off and have only themselves to fend for, we KOKO.
It is amazing that they walk as they can't cope with help but expect us to on our own with less money.
And we do.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Thank you WWK and INTE and *Everyone else.

i don't know if i have particularly poor taste in men, i suspect it's more to do with seeing people's hearts and potential rather than squarely facing the level they're actually choosing to live at, but i've never made it as far as marriage and divorce because the weakness or.... lack of courage if you like has always shone through early enough to not go there. i can only imagine what a shock it must be to see it decades down the line. it's heartbreaking enough a few months or years in without shared children, homes and finances.

i've recently had a bit of a heartbreak let down of that theme again. it is gutting to realise that someone can throw love/opportunities/affection/happiness/etc away with such self destructive idiocy. i don't know if it's a 'man' thing or i'm just more familiar with it in men because they are the ones i've tended to partner with.

anyway what i've found difficult this time is the bizarre mixture of emotions including pity and compassion for the person responsible for the hurt. it is really hard to see someone make stupid, weak, self destructive decisions and it's hard to let go of the need to just grab them and shake them and say WAKE UP! what the fuck are you doing? you are hurting yourself and me and everything with this madness!

if i feel like that after a relatively short relationship then as i say i can only imagine what it is like after decades of loving and caring for someone and being a 'team'

what i've done over the last few days is accept that i just have to let go. trite sounding i know but i have to let go of the care and concern, let go of the illusion of what the person was capable of being and had shown themselves to be at their best and accept that what they are choosing to be is this person. whether it's weakness, madness, self destruct, cowardice - whatever! if that's who they're choosing to be then that is who they are for now and who they were/could be/should be has to be let go of.

sorry for long post but i just wanted to empathise with, and hope that others 'get it' too because i need some company in it, the disappointment and bewilderment and myriad of feelings of watching someone fall so far from grace and to do so willfully, wrecklessly and without any good reason. it sucks.

sorry! with an hour or two to reflect on my post i feel bad for the me, me, me nature of it.

Don't: you are working out how to come to terms with it. Focusing on what you can do to cope and overcome it is far more healthy than worrying about them.

And people find it helpful.

it's just incredibly difficult to watch someone hurt you with the full awareness that they're also destroying themselves. fairly sure i come over as quite a hardened person on mn (under my various names) but when i choose to get closer to someone i do so with an awareness of their foibles and struggles and stuff but what is increasingly seeming like a stupid, blind faith in their ability to overcome them with a bit of help. i am gradually learning (i'm 38 ffs) that there are sadly many people who don't want to be helped and paradoxical as it sounds don't even want to be happy.

my friend is an alky and aa always tries to encourage folks to feel sorry for 'sick' people and hope they get better rather than be angry or disappointed or whatever at them for the hurt they mete out. i like the perspective but it's still maddening to watch people throw away the 'good stuff' like it was nothing or a threat to their survival.

stay sane wwk. it IS insanity that he's dancing with/in now. the world hasn't gone mad, it's just him who has wantonly thrown your lives into madness.

personally i'm wrestling against the incredible urge to go see this guy and indeed do the shake them and yell 'what are you doing'. there is no point and i will only feel self disgusted if i do it. don't doubt what you had together - his madness now doesn't mean it wasn't good or worthy or whatever - it just means he is that 'fucked' that he'd throw anything and anyone under the bus you know? it's sad but you don't have energy for pity and compassion for the broken right now. let go of the broken and focus on what you know to be right and important and good even when a key component of it goes hurtling off the track.

we can't save people who are determined to self destruct can we? i used to be a diving instructor and one of the courses i taught was in rescue diving. one of the key messages was that a drowning man (or a man who perceives himself to be drowning in his panic attack) is very dangerous and you have to put yourself first because they will drown you too if you don't protect yourself. i used to have to demonstrate this to great big hulking germanic guys who saw me as a little girl that they must try not to hurt. when i was playing the 'panicked diver' i'd have to lash out and grab at them and drag them under and half drown the poor sods before they woke up and fought back and stopped being scared about hurting me and focused. hope the metaphor is clear - certainly wish i'd absorbed it a bit more fully.

i got some wonderful bruises at that time but they were successes really because it meant they 'got it'. a drowning man is dangerous and must be handled with extreme caution and with a great deal of regard for one's own survival.