Dear STBXH

[WellWhoKnew]

Thank you for trying to save me costs of divorce by selecting a solicitor for me and by covering their costs, you are doing me a favour, I know.

Thank you for being fair by offering to take only 40% of the assets in my name to enable a quick resolution to the end of the marriage, which is what you want.

Of course, I realise that the assets in your name aren't mine because you are the man. Sorry you are THE MAN. I do keep getting things wrong, so I perfectly understand that you want a divorce.

All the same, thank you for offering me a speedy divorce by asking me to agree that we have been separated for two years so that I can move on with my life. Okay, we both know it's less than two weeks in actualment since you walked. I remain in shock but I'm so grateful that you have my best interests at heart during this difficult time.

So, Soon To Be Ex-Husband, thank you.

Because you are a twat and I'm so much better off without you.

apologies to Just but it is obvious quite a few people would like to support you through this as best they can and it was obvious they hadn't realised you did have a thread.

Yes, as awful as all this is - I am getting unbelievable support. These people are my 'silver linings'. They are also the evidence that I am not the unreasonable one - he really has behaved disgracefully, and continues to do so.

No one likes a bully, but I'm the only one who can stand up to him. No one else can in this situation. Him insisting (as is his right) that any sales from assets go into my SHL client account (I was only going to put 50%, and redress any differences come the final order) is a cynical attempt to leave me too impoverished to retain a SHL.

A reasonable man, would see that allowing me cash funds now, would be counted back' at a later stage, if the judge decreed that he is entitled to more than half, for example. It's not that I'm spending this money as a cynical attempt to deprive him of it - that's readily provable, we keep him informed of all sales. If I was being squanderous, he'd have a field day in court anyway!

Behaviour like this just offends everyone. So I am being very honest - I have to. I cannot afford to put a step wrong - but integrity is very important to me anyway.

I'm realising that others need this wrong to be righted as much as I do. I'm determined not to disappoint.

Have just read the whole thread and it's made me smile . Not because I am some sort of callous who enjoys other people's pain but because, in the face of such extreme dickwittery, you are coming across so very strong, so just and extremely articulate!! And with an army of love and support wrapped around you.

I recognise so much of what you have written that it is very difficult to know where to start. I smile also because this was me about 16 years ago. Going through it all is something that I would not wish on my very worst enemy. But, in saying that, I learned just exactly how strong I am (and strength is about how you cope with the actions that set out to floor you, even when you are sobbing). I learned how brilliant and wonderful my friends are, who I had been losing as they were being pushed slowly away by ex. And I learned that I could do anything I want to with my life, it's mine to use, no one else's.

There is most certainly life after this. It takes time to heal and you need to understand all the different emotions you go through for what they are. But it's slowly gets better and further between down times. There's a certain pleasure that comes in sharing this with people in your position right now. I deeply feel your pain and your anger but I also know that one day it will be done with, and that life is good!

After reading through all 18 pages of this in a little under an hour, I cannot decide whether I love or respect WWK more..

I've just read the whole thing too. WWK you are amazing!

Just - so sorry I wittered on about how having your own thread would help you when you already did - I really hope it didn't come across as patronising but it probably did so I'm apologising profusely for that.
I'm sure that your posts on here are just as helpful to WWK as hers are to you - please stay on this thread too, mutual support is hugely important, even when one of you is a little further on than the other in the experience.

WWK - your stbxh never ceases to disappoint in the arsefuckwittery stakes, does he. You, as always, shine above with dignity and grace and as much humour as the situation allows (not much, a lot of the time!) and you are doing a great job of KOKO. Inspirational.

and all round, I feel.

Wine tonight, after I've completed the rest of my divorce paperwork...

Ah yes, probably best to wait until aftewards!

not very constructive but:

FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM VERY VERY MUCH.

he is a nob. he's on record as a nob. he keeps providing written fucking evidence of what a nob he is.

he appears not only to be a nob but a STUPID nob who doesn't even know to hide his nobbishness.

the more rope he has the more he hangs himself.

it's a disgusting waste of money but he insists on it so what can you do?

i sincerely hope that his nobbishness is so beyond the pale that he continues to end up with costs at every single hearing along the way.

will it cure him of nobbishness? of course not. but at least you won't be forced to pay the bill for his nobbishness.

dear nob - you're a nob - we all know it - you keep proving it - hope you're enjoying it because it's costing us a fortune and a twatty red sports car would have been an infinitely cheaper outlet for your mid life crisis. yours your endlessly amazed stbxw.

HB - I think I'll pass on any sexual activity now. He lost those rights and expectations too.

But you've made me laugh, and motivated me, as I wade through my Form E, and deal with the endless depressing paperwork that getting divorced involves.

I wonder what he's going to say on his. Take your bets on

A) fibbing
b) lying a lot
c) lying a little
d) lying somewhere between a lot and a little
e) telling the truth.

Oh dear, here we go again, right? If it wasn't for your pain and inconvenience he would be just laughable, wouldn't he?

Let me get this straight….by BiL you mean HIS brother lent you money? That speaks absolute volumes, doesn't it?

No, my BIL by my family. But my BIL and STBXH were very close, holidays together etc, so it'll still hurt.

I'm going for
F) Lie is fucking arse off!

You're still hanging in there and doing really well.
I still like to catch up on this thread and I'm still cheering you on.
KOKO!

what hells bells said

Almost just as bad! I'm sure he expects all his male friends to form a cheerleading and sympathy squad. He may be surprised at how few of them really support him when they really understand the truth.

I was going for b, a, d and c in various degrees, with no e thrown in at all.

I think there will be an
f) fictional mental breakdown

What a tool he is.

I would vote for the fictional mental backdown too.. Mine had one of those

Either that or the lying his fucking arse off with a bit of indignant posturing thrown in

WellWhoKnew thank you for this thread. These letters/emails from "the other side" can be very intimidating, as most of us find and therefore your calm and measured reactions are very inspiring.

I had my own dose of of exP's literary talent today "A consultation meeting regarding your employment is not a concern for your solicitor and does not require the involvement of a solicitor ...".

This made my day. I am very tempted to write back how grateful I am to continue to receive his thoughtful and caring advice in my inbox and how much I appreciate that he is still taking my decisions for me. Instead I have forwarded his email to my solicitor. .

Karen - so good to hear from you, I was a follower!

I would love to say that when I get these acts of fuckwittery, I am calm, measured, in control and sensible.

In reality, I seethe, rage, swear and curse by the bucketload. I shout at him (and he's far, far away), sometimes cry, and then call him every name under the sun. It is not pleasant.

Then I write think about how to 'reply' and that usually does the trick (Thank God for MN!)

Dear Toad,

Thank you for your thoughtful and caring advice. You remain masterful in your command of me.

But I fucked off a while ago - how had you not noticed?

In your place, I am comforted by my chosen legal representative. I do the instructing these days.

My failure as a wife is noted. My failure as an employee is something you should have dealt with lawfully. In the interim, I shall conduct myself...lawfully.

Love and kisses, Karen.

WWK - your thread is brilliant. I was in your shoes back in 2011. I had to go to court to get a timetable because my ex chose not to provide paperwork in a reasonable time. Honestly, I think he just thought I'd forget about the small matter of a divorce... I had to do two Form E's because he was so slow and then he had the audacity to challenge where I'd spent the money that I'd been earning Anyway since 2011 I've found friends in the most unexpected of places, I've had the best sex of my life, the best holidays ever (on my own) and I've turned my work life balance on its head (in favour of life) because I'm in charge. You are inspirational!

Thank you, WellWhoKnew Ahem, it was actually him who fucked off, he was asked to vacate the family home by the family court. Things remain difficult though, finances still need to be addressed, I am also an employee and the children refuse to see him which enrages him even more.

I almost cried that you still remembered my thread from over one year ago. It was the thread that gave me the courage to finally leave him.

Just want to say how amazing you are, all of you. So many of us have been there but can't get it into words. The biggest thing for me was finding out how many people cared and rallied round and helped and supported. When I was at my darkest and loneliest, I found lightness and joy in the most unexpected places and from the most unexpected people. People I didn't know knew my name offered me practical and emptional support from nowhere. I love them all for it. I also heard my 84 year old neighbour use the word cunt. It was one of my fondest memories of her, tho one I felt I shouldn't share at her funeral.

Hi Karen!

Fantastic I wondered where you were - I did like your previous username!

So what's the cliché of the day then?