Hi Just,
Don't apologise love - it is not a problem that you have posted here, you can see that I understand exactly what your going through.
Someone above is correct that writing your own thread is a great way of reminding yourself a) what the hell he put you through, and b) how you are slowing coming to terms with it c) the wide variety of emotions that this kind of treachery creates in a person. I will certainly support yours and give you any advice I can, and if I can't I'll give you a quick KOKO (Keep on Keeping on).
When I started writing these letters, he'd left me nearly two weeks before. I was drunk, utterly distressed and still in panic mode. No one in RL had a clue that I was in my own private hell, reading MN, desperately hoping he'd "see sense". I wasn't even sure he was trying to take me for a ride...I still couldn't believe he was capable of that! I really thought he was a decent fella (Mrs Naivety has left the building now).
But I fully understand how devastated you feel (and the bit you write about a game resonates too: I felt for ages afterwards that this was an attempt to 'punish' me for not agreeing him on everything) but that he'd be back.
This thread was the first step (aside from making a solicitor's appointment) that I acknowledged my situation. I expected others to vent away here, and welcome them if they do. But others are right, when I look back to me then, and compare it to me now, a lot has changed, so I'd encourage you to write your own thread because it records the horror you are having to deal with. For personal reasons, I don't write everything he does because I just simply can't find any humour in it, or because I'm still trying to find a solution to the problem he's created.
In time, your thread will represent you at your lowest and remind you that you are now the fabulous, independent, wonderful woman your friend remembers about you. In the army, they dismantle the boy, and turn them into the man. It's a tough process. We're not in the army, but you are being battered in an emotional bootcamp. You'll come out thinner, stronger, more assertive, and educated. You will be amazing again soon.
It's really only now that I am utterly repulsed by the idea of having to ever see him again. If I saw him I would just say 'coward, liar, bully' over and over again like a madwoman! The first court hearing when I got 96% of my maintenance claim, and my costs awarded, was the biggest wake up call that it is not me being mad or unreasonable. This didn't happen just because I got a SHL or a SHB, yes they definitely were a very important part of the proceedings: this happened because he really is behaving utterly appallingly - and I'm having to cope with it. Humour masks a vast array of sadness, anger and disbelief: but it's my coping mechanism and I'm sticking with it!
So don't stop writing on MN, because it does help you process your feelings. We all care, so many of us have been there, and we can support other women who are experiencing this, when we've been there and accepted that support ourselves. We know you matter, and we know you didn't deserve this, and you're in the right place to get great advice.
Take care, love.
WWK