Dear STBXH

[WellWhoKnew]

Thank you for trying to save me costs of divorce by selecting a solicitor for me and by covering their costs, you are doing me a favour, I know.

Thank you for being fair by offering to take only 40% of the assets in my name to enable a quick resolution to the end of the marriage, which is what you want.

Of course, I realise that the assets in your name aren't mine because you are the man. Sorry you are THE MAN. I do keep getting things wrong, so I perfectly understand that you want a divorce.

All the same, thank you for offering me a speedy divorce by asking me to agree that we have been separated for two years so that I can move on with my life. Okay, we both know it's less than two weeks in actualment since you walked. I remain in shock but I'm so grateful that you have my best interests at heart during this difficult time.

So, Soon To Be Ex-Husband, thank you.

Because you are a twat and I'm so much better off without you.

Dear STBXH,

It is I, again, the unreasonable one. Being unreasonable, as always.

You have sent several emails to my solicitor since I last contacted you, demanding you recover your belongings from my home.

You wrote to say that you are seeking a non-molestation order because a letter from my solicitor sending him your bill arrived the same day as my 'unreasonable demand' that you remove your belongings from my home. You consider this harassment.

I haven't spoken to you since you left. I've sent you three emails, one of which was not in reply to you on practical matters not relating to our divorce. I am so fucking unreasonable, I just can't see it. Thank God I have had you in my life to keep me on the straight and narrow all these years. Please can you come back - I'm starting to see myself as a danger to society now I'm establishing myself on my own two feet and with my pretty little head?

I can see that I was misplaced to ring around and sort you out with a 'man with a van' and avoid you having to come here to collect in person, which you would find difficult. I can now see that as it was ME that wanted to keep things simple I am very much out of order. I apologise.

Also, I'm am unreasonable for believing you have no right to enter my abode, not being named on the tenancy and all, but we'll overlook the small matter of my rights, being, as they are, unreasonable.

You have written to my solicitor instead to say my insistence that you recover your possessions from the house is unreasonable, because you have ordered me out of the house, means I can only arrange removal of your belongings when I remove mine.

Unlike you, I have nowhere to move to. I realise I shouldn't look down on people on the streets, and that I'm being a bit 'precious' for staying in my home, but gutters aren't really my thing. I am an incorrigible snob.

You have then written to my solicitor again to decline because you state that I, the unreasonable one, will give one bag at a time to the driver in order to run up you costs, necessitating multiple return trips driving up your expenses and your belongings!

Is that why you are sending separate emails to my solicitor - to run up my costs, even when my solicitor has firmly written to you to cease and desist this behaviour?

Thanks for the idea, but sending your bags one at a time would be inconvenient to me. I am one helluva lazy cow after all - I'd rather not keep getting off my fat arse.

Thank you for demanding that I itemise the contents of each bag, and record their condition, so that you can be certain I have not damaged any of them before you agree to their removal. Given you will have to take my word for this, has it not occurred to you that I can just tell a bag of lies, which you will only discover when you take delivery? You know I'm not prone to lying - a fact that you seem to be relying on here.

Thank you for threatening me with court if you should not be happy with the condition of the contents therein. In our fifteen years together, I have not in fact ever destroyed a single item we owned in anger or frustration. I generally find avoiding carrying out criminal acts an advisable way of life - clearly a belief that is very much off-kilter. Our divorce isn't changing my mentality THAT much - just killing off my love for you, 'tis all.

And just so you know, that when I sent just one response to you, and my solicitor kept out of it, that it was a firm "remove your belongings within fourteen days, or I will remove them"

I think I homeless charity would be very grateful.

Yours,

Homely wife, needs the garbage to be gone now.

non-molestation order! haha I'd love to hear his thoughts about all this running alongside yours.

Goodness me ... this used to be a loving and reasonable man?

What in all the world has happened to him? He sounds like he thinks the world revolves around him and no behaviour is too bad for him to stoop to!

wellwhoknew .. im sure your SHL has advised you but just for my peace of mind! :D ... you are legally within your rights to give him 14 days notice then dump the stuff at a shop?

Admiration to you again! and . You, lady, have style.

I hope so...

madness.

i cannot imagine you are obliged to do any of this shit. you've given him 14 days notice to remove his stuff. when it's over an the stuff is still there dump it.

Oh, and yes, he used to be a loving and reasonable man, intelligent, witty and very caring. Then he started by pills off the internet - you can imagine the type. This kind of behaviour apparently is 'normal' for these kinds of pills. And that's not just Dr Google's analysis - this is from a mental health consultant.

If you've ever had a 'it's not fair, I hate you' teenager in your life, who is a hormonal monster that believes you really are the world's shittiest parent because you've said 'no' to something, then you stick with them through the door-slamming years because a) they can't afford to fuck off, and b) you love 'em really.

It is just a horrible hormonal stage we all grow out of!

Sadly, my hormonal husband can afford to fuck off (leaving me destitute) and he doesn't love me anymore .

But still, I'm learning not to. He is not my child. He is most definitely not the man I married.

those pills can cause this much trouble?! god, hasn't he realised himself soemthing is wrong?

Anabolic steroids, are they? Or rather more illegal types?
Never mind.

I'd be sorely tempted to piss in each bag as I handed it over to the delivery man but that would be falling to the level he expects of you (and in fact that's the only reason I didn't do anything appalling to my house that my ex-fiancé booted me out of so he could move the OW in - because they expected me to and I wouldn't give the fuckers the satisfaction! people gave me some lovely ideas too...)

Your SHL should bill him for the endless stream of emails - as I assume she is doing - ha!

He is extraordinary.
You are extraordinary.
In completely opposing ways.

He is a nutjob, a twunt.

You are magnificent!

To employ a well known mumsnet phrase....

"is he on glue?"

Non-molestation order you say? Is it not time your SHL slapped one on him for being an utter twunt?

You must be exhausted with all this, WWK His behaviour is relentlessly antagonistic and spiteful, coming up with all these ridiculous demands because he's not getting his own way. Anyone would think you were the one who left him! He is and has been making an absolute fool of himself.

You are dealing with it brilliantly, and I utterly salute you

Just keep on keeping on, you are getting there

It is such a personal slight, isn't it? As much as I'm hurt and angry, I'm sensible enough not to do anything to jeopardise my future. I'm quite rational in that way - to not act on impulse, because anything 'wrong' I do, will bite me on the arse further down the line. I have to protect my future at all costs - and sometimes that cost is my self-respect. I would love to hit back so hard, but I won't. I'll just rely on my solicitor to do the legal thing and keep my head down.

I can only imagine it's going to get worse before it gets better and need to learn not to get so upset about it all.

I have to tell myself it's just attention seeking, trying to provoke a reaction, because I am not giving him any attention, or letting him bully me in any which way, I'm ensuring it escalates.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

But honestly, you'd have thought it was me that left the marriage, who had an affair or done something truly bad. I didn't - I was utterly dumbfounded by him walking out. He'd led me to believe everything was normal: even that morning he was talking about our plans. Then that night I got the bad news.

Just like that.

I'm still having to sort out the mess of his decision, day after day after day, it's not just the emotional but wrapping up the business side (and I aren't even go to bore you with his say-so over that) - it's enough to drive anyone over the edge.

Even my neighbours take it in turns to pop in every few days to check I'm okay, see if they can help, give me a bit of moral support. I barely knew them before all this happened. It's the kindness of strangers that is the silver lining in all this - I am never truly alone or uncared for.

And he gets to carry on working everyday, earning pots of money, playing his team sports and the only irksome thing in his life is my solicitor.

I could scream with the unfairness of it. Sometimes I do - but I just have to KOKO. And that's what I'm doing. I'm fighting hard to get a future, but the present is pretty shit.

That's crazy! I learnt a little bit about non molestation orders from a solicitor today - it's rare to warn the person beforehand that you are going to issue one against them and when issuing one there needs to be a a risk of imminent danger - a violent or abusive episode within the last 5 days would have needed to happen.

He's on cloud cuckoo land isn't he! I've been directed to your thread WWK and just want to say I'm so sorry your stbxh is doing this to you - your SHL sounds great though and is going to get you safely to the other side - but the thought of the legal fees your stbxh is mounting up by behaving like this is what an idiot!!

Good luck

Just unlurking to say I'm sorry he is still making you sad. I read all your updates on his actions like this: .

You are doing so well at not rising to his bait - you're right that it's winding him up too .

Hi WWK, I just wanted to delurke and offer my support, I have been reading quietly from the shadows and just wanted you to know how bloody brave and strong you are. Oh and what a tossing wanking shit bollocks bastard your STBXH is. Stay strong and watch him crumble ;-)

Thank you for this thread, I am
On day 2 at the moment, I don't know which way is up and your words are helping me a thank you, you articulate so well what I have been thinking.

I wish you well op and hope I can be as strong as you, I have 3 small children and don't know what the hell I'm going to do but this thread has made me realise i can do this x

Hi Just,

I didn't want to read that you're on Day 2, and with three young children, and not acknowledge the distress I imagine you feel.

As anyone will tell you, this is the worst of times - and the first few days are panicking about how you're going to pay the bills, how you're going to manage with managing everything, how you're ever going to feel happy again. It is the most pitiful and lowest moment of your life I expect.

I'm having a bad day today, as I've just sold two pieces of my pre-divorcing life. But I do find some moments in the sun - literally and metaphorically, after three months since the big bang.

I remind myself: there's a ton of women on MN that are happy, and optimistic and over it - but they've been in our spot once. You have to believe them when they say it gets better. I know my feelings are 'normal', and I hate them, but having them means to me, my relationship was genuine and I cared about me too. That voice in your head will blame yourself 'if only my nose was smaller/my hair was blonder/I hadn't said x mentality'. That voice is wrong -it's him, his words and his nastiness.

What I'm learning is that I can actually do more things than I think. I have to - I so dread having to do them, but once I've done them I feel empowered. Whenever you achieve something, despite your feelings resenting having to do it, pat yourself on the back and say 'well done love'.

They may have abandoned us, but that's their weakness. You change your marriage vows, cutting them out of the picture, and pledge it to yourself. That way, you get the best of you. He can just fuck off.

And I will say this until I'm blue in the face: don't make my mistake and not tell anyone for two weeks. Tell the bloody world now - that way you get some amazing support - it's the people you least expect to help, that astonish you the most. It's because of them, and my friends and family, that I can KOKO.

Take care.

i have never been divorced (re: never been married either) so cannot imagine that side of things but i am a single mother and believe me it is all doable and you will surprise yourself with what you are capable of and what you thought you couldn't do but can.

petty example but i used to be terrified of spiders. i still am to some degree on the inside but i can remove even the most terrifying hairy size of a rat spiders now because i've had to.

i have built a vast triple wardrobe with sliding doors single handedly and a triple sleeper bunkbed that i thought was going to kill me but didn't.

i've traveled long haul with a toddler, i've done 3 change train journeys with a baby, a pram, a dog and luggage, etc.

we are only as strong as we get the chance to prove to ourselves itms. you don't know your own capacity until you are reliant on it and eventually it becomes fun and a source of pride that you can do anything you set your mind to.

sorry if this seems off topic but hang in there justnot and know that like whoknew you will be surprised by your strength and capability.

That's exactly it, HB. So far in the last three months I have

a) started driving a car (eek) and hired a car when 'mine' broke down. And I've driven over 3,000 miles by myself! I never thought I'd conquer my fear of driving, but I have.

b) sold stuff on ebay - including vehicles for a decent price
c) sold assets through brokers
d) made new friends
e) and got myself a SHL, a SHB and together we've sued the bastard and won.

Little Miss Accomplished, I am, although I have always been handy with a screwdriver...

It is these things that both bring sharply into focus how different your life is now, but that you can succeed all the same.

The emotions are a little more difficult to manage but they are changing here and there. Today has just been a very sad day.

Sorry that you're having a sad day, WWK - a "one step back" day, I expect. Never mind - you'll have a "2 steps forward" day very soon, hopefully tomorrow. You're doing really fantastically well in what you're achieving, and when the sadness fades (as it will) you will be so much better off!

Just - very sorry to hear that you are just starting on this awful journey - I agree that you need to tell people, give them the chance to help and support you. Chances are you may be still in a level of shock too, so take it easy. (((hugs)))

WWK - thank you my pain is acute at the moment and I range from staring into space to full blown sobbing within minutes. I am running on adrenaline and caffeine, I haven't slept for 2 days or eaten.
I have told everyone and I've told them the truth that I believe he has someone else and that he has form. My sisters and friends have been with me constantly and his mum dad and sister are all so sad and angry for me. His sister told me she always thought he was punching above his weight.

It doesn't help though, none of it does yesterday I was convinced that I didn't want him, it is over he is a cunt and I am better then this. Today I want him to ring and tell me he loves me he's sorry we can work it out it's all been a mistake, he will do anything for me.
But he hasn't contacted me at all today, yesterday was one text he has not asked how the children are. He has to come here as he keeps birds and has to feed them I left him a note yesterday telling him to take them I don't want him here. He left a note saying he couldn't as he dad doesn't have room and said 'let me know of you or the kids need anything' wtf, is he shitting me ?yes I need a husband that loves me and wants to be with me and the kids need a father that treats their mother with respect and doesn't fuck off at the first sign of trouble.

He is meant to be back tomorrow to again feed the birds they get more loyalty then me, I will be out I cannot see him or talk to him right now.

My heart is shattered I'm scared it will never heal. I want my life back but that's not happening is it we can't go back he's left and I'm here trying to hold the pieces together and look after 3 children whilst trying not to let them see me breakdown, and he's made me lie to them I've told themhe is away with work I will not tell them myself that is his responsibility he walked he can tell them but they still ask me where he is over and over again which adds to the pain.

Where did my life go

Giving wwk and just a hug. I know it's not the done thing on MN but frankly I don't give a hoot.

Sometimes a hug, virtual or otherwise is needed to let you know that you are far from in this alone

x

Are they racing pigeons, just? I'd be inclined to turn them loose, even though that would be an evil thing to do.

Ps I am also very sorry to hear about your current situation. As others have said, it is awful at the mo but you will get through this & come out fighting.

Dust no not racing pigeons just native birds so gold finches green finches etc.
He had been talking about selling them anyway I should have known, if I hadn't forced his hand he would have waited sold them then fucked off.

Thanks for the hug.

And I'm crying again.