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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dear STBXH

973 replies

WellWhoKnew · 10/05/2014 22:44

Thank you for trying to save me costs of divorce by selecting a solicitor for me and by covering their costs, you are doing me a favour, I know.

Thank you for being fair by offering to take only 40% of the assets in my name to enable a quick resolution to the end of the marriage, which is what you want.

Of course, I realise that the assets in your name aren't mine because you are the man. Sorry you are THE MAN. I do keep getting things wrong, so I perfectly understand that you want a divorce.

All the same, thank you for offering me a speedy divorce by asking me to agree that we have been separated for two years so that I can move on with my life. Okay, we both know it's less than two weeks in actualment since you walked. I remain in shock but I'm so grateful that you have my best interests at heart during this difficult time.

So, Soon To Be Ex-Husband, thank you.

Because you are a twat and I'm so much better off without you.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 31/07/2014 19:53

Oh yes. Now what can be done about Wanker Intolerance?

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 31/07/2014 20:03

Oh yes. Now what can be done about Wanker Intolerance?

I believe you can have them removed Grin

ItHasANiceRingWhenYouLaugh · 31/07/2014 20:44

I think the general advice with any intolerance is a total exclusion diet. Grin

mistlethrush · 31/07/2014 22:24

If its a bad intolerance you even have to avoid other people that have been around it recently too...

Very sorry that he's still being such a tosspot despite being clearly told by the judge that its not acceptable... It's not going to be painting a good picture when things get further down the line, that's the only thing to be salvaged from the current problems.

Andro · 31/07/2014 22:51

I think the general advice with any intolerance is a total exclusion diet.

True!

Another alternative of course is that OP is not suffering from an intolerance, but exposure to a certified irritant/corrosive. That being the case, it is reasonable to think that most other people who are exposed without appropriate protection will also be adversely affected - a hefty dose of law should provide an adequate barrier to minimise any damage.

WWW, you and your thread are amazing, your STBXH is an idiot.

TheHoneyBadger · 01/08/2014 08:23

as hideous and awful as all this is in terms of the legal process it couldn't be better for you really.

he had his wake up call warning and he could've started being cleverer, finding ways to piss you off without pissing on the law and legal requirements. sadly for him he's not that smart and he is arrogant. i have often observed that it's ok to be thick if you're humble because you can check your facts, get advice, be prepared to rethink etc. it's ok also to be a bit arrogant if you are genuinely as smart as you think you are because you'll get away with it. BUT being thick AND arrogant is utter suicide in legal or contractual situations. i know from having to deal with a particularly thick and exceptionally arrogant HR manager in a contract dispute once. shame your learning this life lesson from the man you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with.

presumably he has zero right to tell you what contracts to sign so you ignore that and sign. if there is anyone to forward documents relating to non compliance with the courts demand to the judge it would be nice to pass on his latest refusals to comply with a 'as this is the case my client will be forced to liquidise shared assets to survive until the courts order is complied with' or some such to cover you? i'm no lawyer obviously - i'm fairly smart and not very arrogant so i'd be like you and defer to the SHL. us smart, non arrogant types are lethal adversaries who find and take the best advice we can get.

he is shooting himself in the foot repeatedly and is too dumb and too arrogant to even see it. it's awful for you yet it is perfect for your lawyer. he couldn't be playing this 'game' worse.

WellWhoKnew · 01/08/2014 15:12

Dear STBXH,

I think we are all realising the same thing, the analytical, reasonable and rational component of our marriage has been dumped - and the irrational, controlling, blinkered man has decided to go it alone.

Going well so far, eh?

It's three months today since you fucked off, by the way. Our divorce is unlikely to be finalised for another nine months. A whole year to argue about marital assets.

On the 3rd of June I wrote: Your decision to divorce relieves you, and devastates me. The act of divorce, relieves me and devastates you.

The worm hasn't so much as turned, as positively back-flipped.

You've got nine more months of this devastation to look forward to. I have days of relief to anticipate.

Today is the probably the last time you will hear from me directly in RL - at least for quite some time, as I'm giving you the final warning regarding you retrieving your belongings.

I'm now switching you off. I am going to choose to kick you into touch - along with your belongings. I am already selling the material assets of our marriage, which is hard work, and painful. It is an appropriate time to think of you as just another an unwanted, no longer required, "thing".

Oh, one more "thing": My SHL is not to be used to 'get me back in my place'. When you left me there, I had no choice but to wander off directionless. I found someone to take care of me in your absence. She is not there to manage you. She is definitely not there to act as an accomplice to your bullying. She is there to protect me as I bimble towards my future - and she's doing a mighty fine job of it.

Out of curiosity, where is your solicitor? You keep blaming my solicitor for not advising you adequately, but why not sue your own for incompetence?

Or is he just another imaginary "friend"?

You were a coward in how you behaved, making that decision without ever telling me, talking to me about it, trying to make a go of it. You lied and you deceived - all to suit yourself.

And yet, as we wind our way through the divorce process, you are kept informed of our next steps, and what we intend to do should you wish to keep up with your ineptitude.

You will not ever be blindsided by us because that is not an acceptable way of behaving.

So I'm not going to leave my rented home for now, instead I'm going to beautify it by removing your bin bags littering my spare room. There is nothing in divorce law that compels me to make myself voluntarily homeless just because 'my husband says so'.

My solicitor is writing to you today. I am also going to write directly with final warning regarding your belongings. No doubt you'll complain that we're harassing you again.

Tough.

You are not the victim in this divorce; you just petitioned it. Issuing it, as you did the end of our marriage, without notice.

And yet, I give you your final warning on your belongings leaving my home. Still want to whinge? Get a sense of prospective.

But then again, the analytical, reasonable and rational component of our marriage got dumped.

You lost control the day you left. And I'm doing okay today since you've stopped caring.

Wife, getting her shit together.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/08/2014 15:40

"You lost control the day you left. And I'm doing okay today since you've stopped caring."

And that's it, WWK. The thing that is most intolerable to him is the fact that you are better off without him and he KNOWS it! He can't stand the fact that you didn't crumble into dust at his arrogant feet.

It's not the money, belongings, assets, or property at all. It's all about his EGO and the fact that you have dared to not only survive, but to actually begin to thrive in your new life. That part certainly isn't going the way he planned and he can't STAND it. So he keeps poking at you and demanding, and issuing his 'orders' to you because he just has to find that one thing that will destroy you and thereby restore him to his 'rightful position' as Cock of the Walk. Well, he's got the 'cock' part right, but the only thing he's cock of is his own dunghill! He can keep trying, but he can not destroy you, you are too far above him to reach.

You so totally rock. And although you may not want it, you represent to many women a sort of triumph that they themselves may not have experienced in their own divorce stories.

Wickeddevil · 01/08/2014 16:04

I'm guessing he had a version in his head of how this was going to go. A vision that included you in a caravan no doubt.

It's not working out like that is it?

You rock WWK, and I wish you well Flowers but while you write with humour there is nothing comical about the shit's behaviour.

BeCool · 01/08/2014 16:14

oh yes the version in his head had WWK sniveling in a caravan, impoverished, and nothing with him, while STBXH was victorious and admired by all for being a massive arsewipe The Man.

Except it's not like that at all. WWK didn't lie down and let him wipe his feet on her, she stood up, got SHL, gathered her support network and is doing amazingly well with her new team thank you very much.

While STBXH's life crumbles around him, and he lacks the emotional depth to understand just why all these terrible things are happening in his life, why he is being "victimised" this way, why WWK isn't obeying his "commands"? Clue it's not down to WWK!

Thumbwitch · 01/08/2014 17:05

I get the impression that he thinks that you, WWK, need to be "punished" for something - probably for not being the complete doormat that he felt you ought to be - hence why he's divorcing you in the first place! Perhaps you didn't respond correctly - as in lie down and beg for him to come back whatever it took - and so you're being further "punished" for not playing his game.

Whatever the hell is going on in his head, it's really not pretty. I'm sorry if you're still hurting in any way but GOD I'm glad you're getting shot of this lump of poisonous toadlife! Thanks

WellWhoKnew · 01/08/2014 17:29

this lump of poisonous toadlife

This has creased me up and reminded me: I once wrote an essay on the sex life of toads.

Well, who knew what I knew!

It's good days and bad. I miss him but I don't know him anymore. I certainly could never love a man that is this nasty and horrible. And yet I am divorcing one. 'Tis very sad but I didn't decide to inflict this on myself.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 01/08/2014 17:38

One thing I discovered, that you are now discovering too, when my ex-fiancé left me, is that you never really know the whole person. They adapt their persona to fit into the relationship, suppressing the less desirable qualities for that relationship, enhancing the ones that fit better. Once the relationship is faltering/over, the suppressed qualities boing to the surface - and appear to completely change the person you knew, because although you might have had an inkling that he may have had a few odd traits, you never saw them in full flow before - and now they are because they've been repressed for so long!

Love that you wrote a whole essay on the sex life of toads! Grin

Anniegetyourgun · 01/08/2014 17:44

Maybe once this is done and dusted, if you're in the mood, you can have a go at kissing a few promising-looking frogs.

WellWhoKnew · 01/08/2014 18:00

Yes, good point.

I guess that those behaviours may have been directed at other people (e.g. at work) but never at you, that you simply didn't register them. And also because you could influence them, and their thinking of a situation, they modified their behaviour as such.

It does make me wonder how I was so immune to his behaviour until this year though. Whether it has changed, or whether he was always like this, and I simply didn't notice it.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 01/08/2014 18:03

That's made me laugh Annie

OP posts:
soapybubbles123 · 01/08/2014 19:07

Dear WWK

You are wonderful.

That is all.

X

WhyBeHappyWhenYouCouldBeNormal · 01/08/2014 21:11

Wow - you are absolutely amazing WWK! Agree with the others who said that this is an amazing read - please save a copy of this thread :)

Ihatefootball · 01/08/2014 21:52

Please please please can I publish this is a book?!!!

theoldtrout01876 · 02/08/2014 02:37

I admire you for how you are handling this. I envy your ability to put it into words,and to see things so clearly through the anger,pain and bewilderedness

I have been divorced for 12 years now but on August 21 I have to be back in court again ( 4th time ) and Ive come to the realization that just like Pavlovs dog Im programed,Im programed to go from a very strong woman to a scared wreck as soon as I have to be near him

I too have a SHL and Im going to see her Thursday.Its the only thing keeping me from dissolving into patheticness

SHL ROCK

ChasedByBees · 02/08/2014 07:32

You do indeed rock WWK.

WellWhoKnew · 02/08/2014 11:01

Going back to court for a fourth time, after twelve years? Good Grief.

Will this not be a final order or is it children related?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 02/08/2014 11:13

What a very sad person your ex must be, theoldtrout , that even after 12 years he still needs to get his jollies from seeing his long-ex wife looking stressed in court. Fancy having that little of a life. I suppose in a sense he's programmed like Pavlov's dog too, to keep seeking out these little illusions of power.

I don't suggest you waste pity on the miserable sod though.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 02/08/2014 11:38

I daresay his twisted logic dictates that since he has been ordered to pay for your SHL, the least she could do is advise him too; thus making sure he gets his money's worth. :)

No amusing for you I know, but he does have his funny side.

AMillionNameChangesLater · 02/08/2014 18:24

WWK you are amazing