Dear STBXH

[WellWhoKnew]

Thank you for trying to save me costs of divorce by selecting a solicitor for me and by covering their costs, you are doing me a favour, I know.

Thank you for being fair by offering to take only 40% of the assets in my name to enable a quick resolution to the end of the marriage, which is what you want.

Of course, I realise that the assets in your name aren't mine because you are the man. Sorry you are THE MAN. I do keep getting things wrong, so I perfectly understand that you want a divorce.

All the same, thank you for offering me a speedy divorce by asking me to agree that we have been separated for two years so that I can move on with my life. Okay, we both know it's less than two weeks in actualment since you walked. I remain in shock but I'm so grateful that you have my best interests at heart during this difficult time.

So, Soon To Be Ex-Husband, thank you.

Because you are a twat and I'm so much better off without you.

Dear MrintheShitey/STBXH and Wanker (well I'm sure you still try),

It yet remains to be seen whether or not you will be seen next week, or whether or not you will be granted your telephone hearing. I hope you are being contingent for either case, or worshipping the God of Third Time Lucky.

Word on the street is that you have neither found religion nor made contingency.

The sales of our assets are going well. My solicitor is satisfied that now that you are writing to her to tell me to sell, and then writing to me to forbid sales, and that previous emails have instructed me to sell, and then written to her that you can find no evidence of sales - that we probably can do whatever without it being a sinister issue.

Are you aware of your split personality?

I for one find it tremendously sad. Still it reaffirms to me that none of whoever you are is lovable.

I miss the old you but not the old you.

Guess who got your best years.

I'd wish you best wishes for the future, but I'm not quite there yet.

Yours, defiant wife.

The man's mad!

Once again I am amazed at his audacity (and the split personality). Keep taking care of yourself and let your SHL look after you.

Keep on, keeping on x

I'm starting to wonder whether it's just mind games, or if he's actually psychotic!

Thumbwitch - that really is the question.

There are reasons to suggest psychosis, and reasons to argue fuckwittery.

Either way, I have to disengage and look after me.

It's hard - but either way, one of us has to survive this to tell the tale. Given I aren't taking any medicine, and wasn't the one to fuck off out of the marriage without notice, I'm am determined it shall be me.

I almost feel apologetic about that!

Oh absolutely it has to be you, I completely agree! The reasons behind his fuckwittery are largely irrelevant now - you are right, you just need to look after you and leave him to deal with his own issues by himself.

I do sometimes wonder if all of the blustering STBXH is doing is because he has made the biggest fuck up ever...and is trying (and failing in spectacular fashion) to make you swoon at his masterfulness. But mostly I think he's a slimeball nobhead, who needs to FOTTFSOFATFOSM

Wow I am not sure if this is a descent to fuckwittery or a previously hidden dark side now having free reign to release twattery, but your X's opinion of himself and his actual competence are soooo far apart.

Truly this has an entertaining side to it, but I hope you are OK OP?

When a man who feels he is 'master of the universe' finally is faced with the fact that he can't control the one person he was sure he could, the meltdown is always epic. And amusing to watch, in a toplofty kind of way. He's scurrying around madly trying anything his pea brain can come up with to regain control of you and failing spectacularly. But what is actually kind of sad is that he will probably never realize that you are far beyond his control. He'd be more likely to be able to stick his finger in the sea and change the tide than alter your course.

I haven't posted here but have lurked in the background. I am in awe of your ability to express so eloquently your thouggts and frustration dealing with your stbxh. My own stbxh left almost 2 years ago now. Totally out of the blue and unexpectedly. Just announced that the marriage was over after I discovered a mountain of gambling debt accrued without my knowledge over a number of years. He also
walked out on our then 5-yr old & 2-yr old.

Two years on and I am in a very different place from back then. I've retrained into a career more suitable to the children and I've recently met a lovely man who I'm tentatively making future plans with. I wanted to post to say that life willIindeed get better for you. You have the same attitude and mentality that I had which was I would not let this bastard grind me down or define my whole future. I just wouldn't let his weakness and selfishness ruin mine or our beautiful children's life.

I had counselling in the months following his departure and one of the things the counsellor said to me stayed with me and still does. She said that the best form of revenge would be a life well lived and happy without him. By god do I intend to make that happen and I know you will too!

Dear STBXH,

Well, well, well - I'm am surprised. After months of bullying and nastiness, it appears that your nice side has made a re-emergence.

The power of no contact, eh?

You got your telephone hearing, as you requested. Your statement to the court is an eye opener in that you are no longer re-writing history, well mostly; there's a few 'facts' that are readily disputable. I am truly amazed.

How long will it last?

You've also submitted quite a few documents, shame you didn't include the ones which show you outright lying. Never mind, I have copies. I guess this is because you are now in damage limitation mode. It appears a solicitor has finally told you, and you have accepted, how divorce works. Lying to a court, making misleading statements and trying to deprive the other party of their rights is likely to whack you so hard in the backside, sitting down will be more painful than the divorce itself.

I did laugh though that you have blamed my solicitor for not giving you legal advice. She did - she recommended you get some. She is paid by me to advise. She has no obligation to you. She repeatedly told you we couldn't negotiate without a Form E, in every single letter we sent - you now say she should have told you it was a legal requirement.

Always someone else's fault, isn't it?

Moot point: It is only a legal requirement if you go through the courts. It isn't if you wish to negotiate outside of the courts. You have failed to enter into negotiations because you have tried repeatedly to bully me. Now you are realising just how short changed you would have left me had I been bullied by you.

Well, you are at least realising that that is how the court will view it - so a little back peddling is to be expected. So "Mr Nice" is just another strategy, I take it.

So now we go to court, and you're wearing a "reasonable hat" to make me look like the vengeful STBXW. Nice try - but our position hasn't changed throughout - we'll co-operate if you co-operate.

You're getting the message.

Bit slow on the uptake, though aren't you?

Wife.

He changes like the clouds, doesn't he? shapeshifting all the time.

I wonder how long this phase will last, eh?

I can't believe he expected your solicitor to give him legal advice, presumably at your expense - that's just... well, I can't think of a word that fully expresses my feelings about it!

i think we decided it was called cognitive arseholanence.

Oh yes, it's an act (I'd agree, for the benefit of the court now he's realised bullying them just won't work). You're supposed to relax now and start trusting him to do the decent thing. Don't.

XH started asking me to ask my sol about legal stuff. I almost caught myself answering, but fortunately saw the light in time to say, as you did, that I was paying my solicitor to represent me and if he wanted someone on his side he needed to get his own. Which he looked a little hurt about. I can't remember whether I actually also said at the time (but I was certainly thinking it) that as he had called me a liar to my face, in front of the boys too , how could he possibly trust me to give him accurate information?

I wish I had been half as eloquent and level headed as you in my divorce - perhaps then I wouldn't have been reamed financially quite so badly ha! You are bloody fantastic OP.

So, we've had a 'change of heart' have we, and gone all cooperative? Phffft!! You might possibly wash the spots off a leopard, but he remains a leopard just the same.

I think what infuriates me the most (on well's behalf as well as my own righteous indignation) is that he thinks she is stupid enough to fall for it!!!

I do have to thank him, though, I do enjoy a good bosom-hoike and loud harrumph that goes alone with indignation now and again.

*along! not alone.

I have to say, though, it is because our women sharing, asking questions and taking the time to reply here on Mumsnet that I've got some insight into cognitive arseholiance.

Without you lot, I'd be a less aware. So thanks folks

our - of!

Now, if someone could come along and give me typing lessons - that'd be good.

Dear STBXH,

Actually, it appears I can afford to pay for typing lessons now so don't you worry.

You focus on setting up a direct debit to deprive yourself of your hard-earned for my benefit, and my benefit solely. The judge decreed that I, in fact, had complied with all of your demands that I produce for you a weekly income statement showing how I spend your my money because I had sent you 12 months of my bank statements.

They say crime doesn't pay. Dunno who they are, but it definitely helps you get a fair hearing if you comply with the court demands, and make every effort to co-operate prior to going to court, rather than sending a weekly ransom demand in the hope I capitulate.

"This lady is not for turning" the old tyrant said. Your head must be spinning that you've been ordered to pay me a monthly allowance which is four times the very 'generous' severage package you provided.

I'm not saying it was easy hearing you, it does make me sad that you are divorcing me, I'm still a cry once a day at least person. It was especially hard listening to your lies and bullshit - when did you become such a cunt? And why? I still wonder although it matters little: as I read recently "tout comprendre c'est tout pardonner"

Mind you that's batshit to me; I can't speak a word of French.

The judge did say this though (and frankly I'd prefer it if you didn't take note): It is exceptionally rare that costs are awarded in a divorce hearing, and almost unheard of in a interim payments hearing.

But your behaviour prior to the court action, making court unavoidable, and your behaviour today, makes me £3,000 pounds better off for just getting out of bed.

Mind you I got out of bed calm today - not angry or bitter, or sad which has been my waking moment this weekend. Just calm. Today is going to be my second no tears day in three months. The sun is shining but I shan't be lying in it to just forget for a while, I'll be celebrating by cleaning the house you have been informed that I will continue to reside in until the foreseeable.

Regards,

Your not so impoverished wife.

Just delurking to say HURRAY for you and three cheers for the very smart judge

Here's to many more "no tears days" and a smart judge as Sally above said.

Another de lurk and giant hurrah . [GRIN]

Der!

Hurrah and fantastic news and SUCKS TO THE STBEXH! Yay!

And this for STBEXH