Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

[MissPennySweet]

Three weeks ago my husband turned round out of nowhere and told me he didn't love me in a romantic way anymore (in the middle of an argument). This quite frankly knocked me for shit and ashamedly I asked him to stay and promised we could work on things (with a lot of tears). He agreed to stay and despite going back to relatively normal I can't shake the feeling that he's only with me out of pity. He's since said he does love me but he's stressed with work, but now I feel like an utter fool for staying with someone who doesn't feel the same about me.

Should I leave or do you think it was a momentary blip and he really does love me - he is usually an extremely loving and attentive man and I've never had any doubts before! We don't have DC.

MissPennySweet, if he "feel" not in love with you, he is not going to be that bothered. If you care about your marriage the solution is not to LTB without trying to help him get that feeling back.

Don't feel like this needs to be resolved today. It's a process. Men are rubbish at analysing feelings.

If he is playing golf, that sounds fine to me. How about instead of texting him and being needy you start to think about what you can do to feel better about you.

You mentioned having no friends locally...why is this? Have you moved? Do you work? Please tell us a bit about you and your life.

None of this is meant horribly, I have been where you are. I relocated for my DH to marry him and ended up with no friends, no job, no life and I got down in myself because of it. It sounds to me like you need to find a life of your own.

If you can do that it:

a) maximises your chances of your DH "falling in love" again
b) maximises your chances of keeping calm throughout this repair process by giving you outlets.
c) Strengthens your marriage because in a healthy relationship both partners need to have a life of their own.
d) Make you feel good about yourself, not scared of divorce if it turns out to be what happens and prepares you for the worst.

I completely lost myself and my individual identity in my marriage, and when my DH became ill (depression) he left me (despite loving me to bits) because he saw me as an emotional burden.

We are all put on this earth as independent beings, and sometimes, women lose themselves in relationships. I think sadly that men like this at first and then begin to find it very stressful and unattractive and it also makes YOU feel worse.

How can we help you get through this period and build a strong YOU for what life has in store?

Ok realistically (and please don't flame me for this) I know I am probably quite clingy and suffocating. But how the hell do I stop it?

Thanks for the perspective, you're right I need to calm down and be a bit more tolerant.

Xpost there op

You're right, I moved 200 miles away when we are married and I feel like I have a very limited network of my own here, which probably means I've become far too reliant on him and he feels suffocated?

I work full time but most of the people I work with are far older than me and have their own busy lives so it's hard to make friends. I think I'm quite emotionally dramatic and read him as "not wanting to spend time with me" when actually he just wants to see his friends. My god I sound controlling.

Just because he wants to do other things doesn't mean he doesn't love me does it?

Right OP - here are some ideas about things to do and join:

A church
A tennis club
A political Party
The National Women's Register
An evening class - whatever takes your fancy
A Book Club
Friends Group of a local theatre

That way you will become less clingy, you will develop a life and interess of your own and if the worst comes to the worst you will have a support network - if it doesn't you will have a better and happier time. And getting networked into any of those things doesn't happen overnight. You will have to give it time. Oh and that other chestnut: Your Mnet Local Group

My advice for becoming less clingy is quite simply to develop pother outlets. That can seem impossible when you are in a needy and clingy place - but if you make small steps it happens automatically.

1. Get a job or volunteer
2. Make a list of 10 things you want to achieve this year for YOU and start ticking them off.
3. Make friends. That is easy to say but surprisingly easy to do.
4. Exercise...joina gym, go to some classes.
5. Go and visit friends and family WITHOUT your DH

These are just a few off the top of my head. When he comes home from work and find you joyful, and that you have had a productive and interesting day with stories to tell then he will probably start to feel the way he did again.

No offence but you sound a bit like an emotional vampire (which I was guilty off too!!!) I used to shower DH in love, affection, sex, devotion and we had huge fun together but for a period of a year or two he was the ONLY person I had fun with. I had nothing else I loved in my life.

I also didn't speak to any other adult humans! part of being a SAHM but also a choice that women can sometimes make for fear of living their life.

My DH leaving me almost killed me. However, since he did leave, a lot of wonderful things have been discovered about me and in SOME ways I am happier and feel more like "me".

I now have a wide circle of friends and activities, I started a business and am doing wonderfully well, I travel, I make an effort to visit friends and family, I volunteer for a MH charity and fundraise for them and I also write a column for the local paper.

I wish I'd had the opportunity you had - to have a mirror help up to me BEFORE it was over. In my case he left without ever giving me a choice or a chance and by then he was so depressed he did not care about life or anything.

We had a wonderful relationship, a wonderful marriage and we completely loved each other - but yes, I think you need to be strong and happy as individuals to get through rocky periods.

Oh God yes OP. Don't underestimate how difficult relocating can be. A lot of people develop depression / anxiety and a completely isolated lifestyle.

Your situation is understandable but YOU have the power to change it. Believe me that you do.

Yes!!! it is a huge pressure on your DH. He is your husband and partner not your parent and it must be hugely frustrating for him to deal with that when work is stressful.

That sounds harsh but I speak as someone who has made the same mistakes.

I see you don't have DCs...please don't until you are sorted. YY to MN local groups and maybe look up some on-line friendship groups? I'm sorry I don't know of any but am sure there will be some.

Can I ask the place you moved to - is that where he already lived when you got married? or did you both move somewhere new?

And yes, it is normal for him to have outside interests. The problem is not that he has them, it's that you don't.

Right, what you actually need to do is get a grip. At the moment, you are behaving like a whiny, clingy nightmare which is actually horrible to be on the other end of and your H might actually have said he no longer loves you because he is worn out with trying to fill up the black hole of your neediness.

What I advise is, for the moment, stop fussing about your H and your marriage. Be calm and polite and friendly, and find yourself some friends, some interests and maybe some counselling as well, to help you realise that you are a whole person and not dependent on 'being loved' to function. All these things are for your benefit and you need to do them whether or not your H is actually planning to bin you for someone else.

I moved to his home city. No plans for DC for a good while yet and certainly not now.

I feel like I'm socially awkward though and find it difficult to make friends!

However, how the hell do I broach this with him without sounding an even weaker person and backing down.

I wouldn't read to much into the golf thing. If he is stressed that is his way of de-stressing. He is unlikely to be answering messages whilst on the golf course in front of his friends.

In my experience some men have much less complicated thoughts and therefore read far less into things (abit like the difference between cats and dogs!). Minion100 speaks alot of sense and has some really valuable advice. I would follow that rather than having a knee jerk reaction that it is all over. It is so true about falling in love many times with the same person in a marriage.

I would advise seeing a counselllor as it has been 3 weeks. If you stay in separate rooms for much longer that could cause more problems and then give him an excuse to look elsewhere.

Relocation can SOOOOO often equal mild to sever depression. You can find yourself in an 'idyllic' lifestyle but you don't know anyone, have no mates etc.

It may very well all work out absolutely fine. If I could offer one small piece of advice (since you have so many great ideas above) for right now - don't be at home waiting for him to return. Go and do something, anything. Drive to the nearest city, go shopping, stop at a pub on the way home etc Do something for you.

Have a good weekend,

So much good advice here.

Just want to add, if he has later said that he does love you, could him "not fighting for your forgivenes" be him showing you that he loves you and are not going anywhere by going about as normal? And giving you time by not nagging to get back into the marital bed?

And what mumster said :-)

I suppose in my head I just thought not fighting = not arsed

I've made a plan today to go out for afternoon tea with someone from work. Also hopefully organising a trip for next weekend to my hometown to see my old friends, might join a gym as well.

Well, that sounds like a great plan, enjoy this afternoon. It will make a difference, he will notice.
:)

Good stuff, OP, that's really positive. Whatever is or isn't going on in your marriage, these are incredibly important steps to take for yourself. Even if everything turns out to be hunky-dory with you and your dh down the line, you clearly need to develop your own life and interests.

No-one can be another person's 'everything'. It is exhausting, irritating and stressful knowing that you are the only person in someone else's life and I agree with SGB that it is possible he's just got a bit fed up with having to be everything to you.

However - this does not in any way excuse him or let him off the hook. He is still behaving badly towards you and you still have lots of stuff to talk about, ASAP. However, whatever the truth of the matter it's important that you step back and take a breath, for your own sanity! If it does turn out to be the worst case scenario then you will at least have a life outside of The Marriage and you will be able to move forward. Best of luck.

It does mean 'not arsed'. His whole demeanour is 'not arsed'. Drops the 'I don't love you' bombshell which is bloody cruel and not jocular in the slightest, gets the satisfaction of you begging him to stay and then sods off knowing you'll be sat there sobbing...... He knows you're not assertive, find it difficult to make friends and all the rest. 'Not arsed' is putting it mildly

what did you do when you were a young girl/teenager to have fun? W.hat hobbies did you have then? I got back into horseriding after a 20+ yr break and 4DCs - best thing I did, whole new bunch of friends etc.

You have no DCs to worry about, go and enjoy yourself!

Bangs head against wall!

Even if you are faking it you need to stand up to this treatment. Tell him YOU are not sure you want to be with him and you need time to decided.

100% of what solidgoldbrass said. Harshly put but she's bang on with the advice if you want your DH to come round fully rather than just emotionally blackmailing him.

100% on what mumster said too.

I also have a bit to add here.

If you relocated to HIS city, he must have friends of his own, social activities. He DOES have a responsibility to involve you. That might mean having parties at your place to integrate his mates with you, it might mean finding SOMe activities which actually include you as a couple. My DH carried on his life exactly as he did before (and as much as we loved each other) this was unbearably selfish. He had an existing social life and simply expected me to make my own. umm...no...you didn't relocate as a single woman - it's not ONLY your responsibility.

Secondly, whatever you do DO NOT have kids until this is completely sorted and you have a full and happy life independent of him.

Third, don't discount the people at work as friends because they are older. I have a lot of great mates of varying ages and you'd be amazed how fun people can be.

When he comes back, either be out, or act breezy and say you can see your life has become all about him since you moved and you're going to start focussing more on yourself. His ears might prick up.

This all might be useless..he may well have an OW, but if he does, it's good advice anyway.

You cannot have a happy marriage unless you are happy with yourself and it's clear you're not. No matter how in love you are he just can't be everything to you.

I know it's frightening but you CAN do this. It's for you.

Ideas that might help you on your way:

1. Go on a Saturday or Sunday and just sit in a coffee place and use the internet. You'd be surprised how easy it is to get into chats.

1. Have a party at your place for work colleagues - people make friends easier outside of work, or even ask people to go for lunch or drinks outside of work.

1. Join an evening or weekend class or course.

1. Get involved with your church if you're religious. Church people are often super friendly.

1. Volunteer. Even if it's one night a week. Makes you feel wonderful and a great way to meet people.

1. Say yes to everything. I find if you're a bit shy or awkward (like me with women especially) then you find yourself sort of being approachable and turning things down.

1. Join an exercise class or sports group and hang around afterwards to chat.

1. Go out with DH to the pub and get him to invite HIS friends over. Have a works BBQ.

1. Invite one of your actual friends up for a weekend and go out with her WITHOUT your DH, you're likely to get chatting to people and swap numbers.

It's also not just about making friends. There are lots of achievements and activities you can do by yourself or with strangers that will enrich your experience of life.