Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

[MissPennySweet]

Three weeks ago my husband turned round out of nowhere and told me he didn't love me in a romantic way anymore (in the middle of an argument). This quite frankly knocked me for shit and ashamedly I asked him to stay and promised we could work on things (with a lot of tears). He agreed to stay and despite going back to relatively normal I can't shake the feeling that he's only with me out of pity. He's since said he does love me but he's stressed with work, but now I feel like an utter fool for staying with someone who doesn't feel the same about me.

Should I leave or do you think it was a momentary blip and he really does love me - he is usually an extremely loving and attentive man and I've never had any doubts before! We don't have DC.

[MissPennySweet]

Only in the course of the last few weeks, I asked him to leave a few hours after he said it, but I needed him and couldn't help myself asking for him back :(

[LavenderGreen14]

You need to stop asking him what he wants, and begging him to be with you, and you need to tell him what you want - and stick to it.

Make him leave and then go no contact - it is the only way.

[MissPennySweet]

How can I be strong enough for NC when my heart wants to beg him to stay?

[BuzzardBird]

That is how bothered he is. Something is afoot. I would leave with my dignity.

[LEMmingaround]

You do need to make him leave, he needs to understand that he cannot play with your feelings like this -yes, he may well not come back, but then you'll know and can move on - we will all be here to support you. How old are you OP?

[MissPennySweet]

27, I know it's young but I still feel like I will never find anyone else

[LEMmingaround]

Do you have good friends OP? people you can spend time with? organise stuff to distract you (even if you don't feel like it, force yourself). One day at a time. He cannot leave you dangling like this. Get angry!

[MissPennySweet]

I have literally two friends, both who love miles away :( my life is a mess

[teaandthorazine]

Well obviously you would meet someone else but that's not really the point right now is it?

He has dropped a bombshell on you and will get away with it because he knows there's no way you'll ask him to leave. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible, but you need to stand up for yourself a bit more. He is swanning off to golf and wanting everything to get back to normal, while you're in bits. Is that a loving action?

You've given your power away to him, OP, time to get it back. Demand some answers.

[LEMmingaround]

Right now, its not about finding someone else - is it that you are scared of being on your own rather than not being with him? Of course it will feel like that now but you don't need a man to be happy or complete. Learn to love yourself - as cliche as that sounds. Throw yourself into work - retrain, do anything you want to do. There is someone out there for you, it might still be your DH, but it probably isn't. You should be enjoying your life, not sitting at home pining for someone who wants to shlep arond the golf course with a bunch of old fuckers rather than be with his lovely wife. Fuck him - if you YOU decide you still want him then maybe MAYBE give him a second cance, you'll probably find you don't want to!

[Only1scoop]

'Will never find anyone else'

Not true but also not really the point here. Your marriage is in a mess. You need a crisis talk with him to discuss what happens next.

If he doesn't want to discuss I'm sorry but you have your answer.

Without realising it he seems empowered ....start thinking on your feet. You don't want to be here in another 3 years time.

[scarletforya]

Are you sure he really goes to golf Op?

Also he could have a second phone.

[Donki]

MrD dropped this bombshell on me - the day after (it turns out) he had booked two days holiday away with OW at a posh hotel in the lake district...

[NearTheWindymill]

OP I would say that relationships have ups and downs. At times of deep stress my DH has said the occasional unsettling thing. Lives change, children arrive, bereavements happen, work alters and all of these things bring massive stresses and relationships have to be very strong to survive them. I would say that if you have these sorts of doubts three years in and before children it's unlikely that you will survive the bigger stresses that crack relationships apart.

Also, I don't think you can find the strength to survive the bad stuff unless you have the confidence that you can stand on your own two feet and know your own mind.

[Donki]

(I only found out because work had a problem and tried to phone him at home...)

[MissPennySweet]

Thanks everyone can anyone help me make a plan for when he comes home after golf (should be about 1)?

[Kewcumber]

I think he has it made.

He can do whatever he likes and you aren't going to do anything about it. You think that having him in your life however badly he's treating you is better than being without him.

Until you realise that isn't true then things aren't going to improve, in fact I'd venture to add that they're going to gradually deteriorate as you get more and more insecure. Trust me I've been there a long time ago and it's only when I got to the point when I decided that it would be preferable to be miserable on my own than miserable with him that things started improving.

What do your parents think? I would be so gutted if my DS ever thought he was only worth something as an attachment to another person.

[Donki]

Try writing a list of questions that you need yo answer?

The relate website has a good section on stuff like this - questions that can help you to evaluate where you are in a relationship and what you want to do about it.

[Kewcumber]

My father walked out on my mother after 35 years of marriage - he just didn;t come home from work one day. SHe was virtually comatose with shock for weeks and it was about as tough as it gets.

15 years on se admits that it was the making of her - she took up several hobbies (in desparation!) and ended up sticking with one of them long term, volunteered for two local charities and has friends she meets for coffee.

She says she is so glad he left whilst she was still young enough (57!) to go out and get a life of her own as it would have been so much harder if she'd already retired.

I can;t say if this is the end of your marriage or a blip but total dependence of one person on another isn't really a marriage is it? Sorting your life out and not being so dependent on him would be a far better plan if you want a strong marriage with someone who cares for you I would have thought.

[Only1scoop]

Donki sorry that's bloody awful

Op you don't need a plan as such....

Just to be able to say to your husband ....I'm unhappy regarding all this and we need to sit down and talk.

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

How about telling him to piss off and that you are not sure that you love him anymore! If he does have OW, he is hedging his bets right now, if not, that will give his arrogant arse a good kicking. Get angry and get on your own side.

If he is on his side, and you are on his side, who is on your side? Big hug too for you, hate to think of you suffering like this. (())

[JustAQuickQuestionPlease]

I learned about the 'pick me' dance on MN - I wish to god I'd known about it years ago.

I also learned about hysterical bonding here and ditto to the power of a million.

Do you know about these, OP? They're hard things to learn about but sometimes a light bulb goes on when you do.

[MissPennySweet]

I think I'm just scared he doesn't love me enough to try and fix it

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

That may be the case Miss Penny but I still think you have more chance if you kick the chair from under him. x

[NearTheWindymill]

Well if he doesn't isn't it better to find out now when you're 27 and pre children than when you're 37 with two or three under eights to deal with?