Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

[MissPennySweet]

Three weeks ago my husband turned round out of nowhere and told me he didn't love me in a romantic way anymore (in the middle of an argument). This quite frankly knocked me for shit and ashamedly I asked him to stay and promised we could work on things (with a lot of tears). He agreed to stay and despite going back to relatively normal I can't shake the feeling that he's only with me out of pity. He's since said he does love me but he's stressed with work, but now I feel like an utter fool for staying with someone who doesn't feel the same about me.

Should I leave or do you think it was a momentary blip and he really does love me - he is usually an extremely loving and attentive man and I've never had any doubts before! We don't have DC.

[LEMmingaround]

I second writing a list - it will help you be calm. The problem is I suspect you will grab onto any little positive he gives you. So write the list. Put it in your pocket and then go out. Your friends that far away cpuld you visit them? Go to the cinema. . Shops. Anywhere. Phone off. Start taking back the power

[Minion100]

I think it's a bit early to me thinking about leaving him and all this stuff about drawing a line in the sand seems a it useless. He has said how he feels...he can't help that.

Thee's a saying about marriage being about falling in love with the same person many times and I think that is true. Things can come along and give you blows, stress (as LEM said) can play havic with how you feel about life in general and thus makes you feel less satisfied, happy and open to feeling "love" and the trick I think is to try and get the feeling back.

In your situation, I would "hold my shit" and ask him to come out to dinner. I would tell him that if there is an OW, now is the first, last and only opportunity to come clean about it. If he continues to say there is not, explain to him that couples fall in and out of love many times in many marriages and that there is an element of work to be done to keep you feeling that way.

I would start by trying to reduce stress in your lives. It messes up marriages.

Secondly I would buy a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" and read it together. The number one reason people "fall out of love" is because their needs aren't being met.

Thirdly I would schedule some date time, alone time, reconnection time.

Counselling might also be good but from my experience a crappy counsellor can sometimes make things worse. Chat with them all on the phone or meet in person before going with your DH.

I know you feel hurt, angry and rejected but your DH is telling you how he feels. I don't think this is an insult to you. I think rocky times are part of any marriage and if you can get over this hump then you may well end up with a richer, deeper experience. He is communicating with you - listen to him.

If of course there is an OW, he might well lie. He might lie very convincingly. I have to give this advice, but to save yourself anguish later I'd really look into that possibility.

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

PS I am sorry, just feeling so angry on your behalf. You must do what is right for you. But think about it....if he really wanted to reassure you, he would not have swanned off to golf. The relationship would be his first priority and getting it back on track. You need to have a frank discussion but don't be too understanding. (())

[LEMmingaround]

Do you really want to be with him if he doesn't love you enough

[dollius]

I would tell him he has one chance to come clean about OW. Tell him if he denies it and you later discover there is one, then that will be it, he's out. However, if he comes clean now, there may be a chance to resolve things (you don't have to mean this, it's to get him to come clean).

If there is an OW, it will be horrendous but at the same time a relief, because then you will know this is not about you and you have not done anything wrong.

[Minion100]

I think the only way to find out if you love someone "enough" is to give things a go. If you are married, you have made a commitment to at least try and resolve things like this. I don't think "love" is just something that magically appears or disappears. A lot of it is about choices and if something as silly as emotions were to be relied on to hold a marriage together every day for a lifetime that would be very precarious grounds.

I think if you make changes, the "feelings" follow. That feeling of being "in love" is actually bloody easy to feel for someone you hardly know.

The other sort of love built over time together, mutual respect, shared experiences and admiration doesn't disappear quite so easily. Men particularly can often feel a sense of disappointment when that infatuation stage wears off. This might be when many seek out OW. It doesn't mean the marriage is over but it does mean you are about to enter a new phase.

A lot of this is moot if he does not want to work on it. He may have already checked out of the marriage.

[BuzzardBird]

Penny you can't make someone love you though. I know it is scary but the stronger you appear to be, the more respect and admiration he will have for you anyway. The weak and clingy you will just make him resent you and feel disgust. You must stand up for yourself.

[Loobyloo893]

My DH said this to me too after a particularly rocky time in our marriage. After trying for a few months we ended up separating for a little while. This is not what I wanted and I completely understand your need to cling on and fight for your marriage. It's not that easy to kick someone out when u still love them. We ended up getting back together and are now happier then ever and ttc #2.
I fought tooth and nail for my marriage as for me marriage is for life, not to be thrown away after the first hiccup. Only you can know if u are strong enough to ask him to leave and if that's even what you want. If you want to be with him and think you can be happy again together and you want to fight for him then do it. Don't ask him to leave unless you are sure it's what u want to do. It may help, or it may make u even more distant. You can't know this so you need to be sure before u ask him to leave.

[MissPennySweet]

I have sent him a message telling him if he wants to sort things out he must come home now

[MissPennySweet]

No reply so far......oh god

[Loobyloo893]

Don't read too much into it. He might not have seen it yet.

[Minion100]

Working off the assumption that there's no OW MissPennySweet, the best approach for you to take right now is calm, cool and collected. No pressure, no drama and keep your dignity. Loobyloo's story is one that can actually work out and I don't think there is anything wrong with fighting for your marriage if it's a good one and there is not an OW.

[MissPennySweet]

It says he was online on whatsapp just before I sent it so I think he has and doesn't want to reply :( this is bloody torture

[MissPennySweet]

Ok I need to stay calm and not text again, I just tend to panic in these situations. Thanks for all the hand holding

[MissPennySweet]

Anyone fancy suggesting some strong woman break up songs?

[Only1scoop]

Op yes stay calm....he will reply presumably soon if he has been online....is he playing golf?

[buzzardbuzzard]

Im a Survivor Destinys Child
AND AND Beyonce; 'to the left'
I love using music for empowerment good luck in your first step into a happy life...

[Minion100]

It's not time for breakup songs just yet OP. I know this feels bad right now but sometimes (quite often) marriages get through problems and bad patches. The trick is to not push away.

[countingto10]

Did you check Whatsapp when you checked his phone? Another one here for whom the I'm not in love with you meant I'm in love with someone else.

What ever happens now, whether your marriage survives or not, you really need to make a life for yourself, concentrate on yourself a bit, develop new hobbies, make new friends etc and not rely on one person so much.

Good luck, I hope you sort things out

[MissPennySweet]

I need to tell myself it's over or I will just go running back to him.....

[Minion100]

You'e being a bit dramatic here OP. You said he was loving and attentive before this, and you still love him. He made a comment, a communication and it doesn't quite mean your marriage is over.

[MissPennySweet]

It's the fact that he's behaving like he's not bothered about saving our marriage that makes me think I should LTB

[BIWI]

I thought you said he was playing golf?

If he is, then he won't have his phone on (very bad etiquette!)

But why would he be online on Whatsapp? Are you sure you know where he is?

[NearTheWindymill]

Do you know what OP. My DH always went to football on Saturdays. Always. Even when the DC were tiny. He works under huge stress; I knew he loved his football and it was his thing, his space, his time to let go. If I had sent silly messages saying come home right now he would have been immensely irritated and it would have been a very silly thing to do indeed. He's out. He's playing golf. You need to be grown up and wait until he's home. If you persist in being clingy and silly and immature then probably it will be over I'm afraid.

Whether he meant he didn't love you; whether it's the end or not or just your perception you are doing a huge amount to drive him away and if that isn't what you want then you need to stand firmly on two feet and act logically and sensibly. Breaking up is very very hard but it's a heck of a lot better than staying in a "dead" relationship. If you know in your heart of hearts it's over then it's over and there's no point waiting for the fat lady to sing.

My heart goes out to you but all men are a bit silly sometimes even when there aren't problems and there isn't another woman. It takes two to keep a relationship strong and sometimes one has to be stronger than the other and understanding of where the other person is. Otherwise the other person will be driven away even if that wasn't their original intention.

[BuzzardBird]

I agree, this all is a bit 'dramatic'. Just talk when he gets back and don't act like a teen with 'break up songs'. You are a grown woman, it is time to act like one.
Chances are he said it in the heat of the moment, some people argue like that. My DH says horrible stuff when he is angry, he doesn't mean a word of it,he just can't stand it that I stay so calm.
Give him the opportunity to leave and see if he takes it.