Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

[MissPennySweet]

Three weeks ago my husband turned round out of nowhere and told me he didn't love me in a romantic way anymore (in the middle of an argument). This quite frankly knocked me for shit and ashamedly I asked him to stay and promised we could work on things (with a lot of tears). He agreed to stay and despite going back to relatively normal I can't shake the feeling that he's only with me out of pity. He's since said he does love me but he's stressed with work, but now I feel like an utter fool for staying with someone who doesn't feel the same about me.

Should I leave or do you think it was a momentary blip and he really does love me - he is usually an extremely loving and attentive man and I've never had any doubts before! We don't have DC.

[Minion100]

And FYI, none of this is about making your husband love you again or playing mind games. It's about being your best self and happy with or without him. Clingy relationships are a bad news and only work when you both need each other and this has nowt to do with love.

Also, it's just a simple fact that love isn't a gift. For someone to feel "in love" with you they must admire and respect you and enjoy being with you. It's not something your husband owes you.

If he quit his job and laid on the sofa all day for six months drink beer then wait and see how long it took before you stopped feeling "in love".

It's not realistic to think he will stay in love with you if it's hard work for him to be so. If you LTB, you will have to do this work on yourself anyway and you might as well do it now.

[Softlysoftlycatchymonkey]

Yes to solidgoldbrass

[LEMmingaround]

So the ops dh tells her he doesnt love her. Treats her like an in add insignificance and SHE has to jump through hoops to give him space and fit in with HIS choices. FUCK THAT

[Only1scoop]

Op enjoy your afternoon with your friend and extra cake

Did he reply eventually?

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

He said he doesn't love her in the middle of an argument. I would be interested to know his exact words.

In extreme stress or in the middle of arguments, sometimes bad things get said. I don't know if the OP's husband means it, whether he is overwhelmed and out of love with her or not. He says he didn't mean it now and doesn't feel that way, so it obviously wasn't his intention to break up with her.

Surely the best place to start is with some frank honest conversations, about how you both really feel about this relocation and about your relationship. I wouldn't move to getting him to leave unless you are 100% sure what he said was genuine and not changeable. It's a little different if you've found out he's having an affair and is saying these things consistently, but so far you have no evidence of that.

He may have lashed out in an argument, but it may be that this is saying something quite important- that you are losing the romance as you are being clingy and have given up everything. I don't think you should get a life to get him back (he doesn't appear to have gone away anyway) but to have a better life to live.

Calling him back like a dog when he's playing golf is just weird to me. If you were that upset, why not ask him respectfully to spend the weekend with you. At the moment, it's all drama and doing things to 'make' the other one behave in a certain way. I don't know anyone who would do that in response to a wobble on their partner's part.

[VanderElsken]

I'm confused by some of these responses.

OP, he said to you he's not in love with you. That's quite an aggressive statement. Even people who aren't sure about their love for their partner rarely say anything about it unless they want to light a match under the relationship for some reason (usually a relationship with someone else).

You also feel that he is is 'not arced' about saving the relationship. Presuming your instincts are generally good this probably means just that. He, either because of an OW he thinks he could jump for or because he's so sick of the relationship he wants out. Either way it sounds like you're in an unequal and rotten relationship in some way.

I massively support the 'get your own life' thing, whatever the situation is, but in almost all cases with similar MOs to this one, there is a problem at the centre of the relationship that has not been disclosed. I don't think you should panic, OP, but I think you should see clearly that there is more going on here than simply a row that happened and someone said something 'stupid'. I don't claim to know what it is but the only way is to communicate. Even if he lies to you the nature of the lies will tell you something. At the moment all this supposition about you being clingy and suffocating sounds like self-blame that's only partly true to me.

[Minion100]

She didn't say he treats her like shit, she said he is kind and loving and attentive.

She says he also wants to make it up and says he does love her and it's her refusing to let him back in the marital bed.

I don't see that he's treated her like shit. I think he's trying to communicate with her.

It's not about jumping through hoops, but more about finding a way to encourage communication about what led to him saying that and in the course of the thread it became apparent that the OP doesn't have any real life outside of her DH.

The encouragement to sort that isn't to win him back, but to win herself back.

[MissPennySweet]

Ok just to update he came in (no text back) just as I was leaving to go out looking sheepish. He asked if we could talk when I got back and I said yes but then he said he's meant to be going to the pub with his mates so I said fine, we will talk tomorrow and left. Did I do the right thing?

[MissPennySweet]

I actually can't work out if he's being an arse or if it's just me blowing things out of proportion. Either way I feel like in starting to take back control of myself and hopefully this can only help the situation whether it turns out he is being a twat or not.

[VanderElsken]

Whether he treats her like shit isn't the point. I'm just going on the evidence so far. Kind, attentive people have affairs too. Sometimes that's why they become kind and attentive.

Miss, there's no 'right thing' and the tone you've adopted toward us as mums net 'elders' make me worry you are naturally a little passive and low status in your relationship with him too.

He returned and asked if you and he could talk. You really need to talk. And you need to do it courageously and as maturely as you can. That's how you'll get the truth out of the situation. If he can blame deception on your anger or emotional outbursts, he may well.

You need to sit down and talk, arranged and with an understanding it is about the relationship. No interruptions or hiding. Ask him what it is he wants to say, and if he has anything he wants to tell you. Have confidence and detachment as much as possible. You can do it.

[Minion100]

Why is he going to the pub with his mates? Is it a standard Saturday for him to go to golf then out with his mates? No wonder you feel isolated OP. He's not a single man. Does he know that?

[teaandthorazine]

The encouragement to sort that isn't to win him back, but to win herself back

This ^^.

LEM, I don't understand? What part of 'go out and live your own life' is her jumping through hoops to please him?

Fwiw, I almost always err on the side of LTB in these sorts of situations but the OP has said herself that he's pretty much the centre of her world, and that's not always an easy role to fulfil. Saying 'you really need to expand your horizons' to the OP doesn't mean I think her dh isn't being an utter wanker.

OP, sorry but I think when he came back you should have told him to get his priorities straight and stay to talk with you. He's put his mates and his social life before your relationship AGAIN. It's not looking great, sorry.

[Minion100]

Yes, to be clear, doesn't mean I don't think he's being an utter wanker.

fwiw, it sounds like he has relocated her, taken her away from her life, expected her to make herself happy while he carries on much as he did before she came along. Selfish, immature, wanker-ness.

I don't think going to play golf is a big deal - sounds like a healthy outdoor pursuit but you have to take it in context with everything else.

He might be very loving, attentive and wonderful but he is also married to you OP and needs to act like it. Doesn't mean not having his own interests, but there are limits. Surely Saturday night should mainly be something you do together - socialising with other couples.

He might well not even realise he is being selfish or exacerbating your isolation but it sounds like he is

However, doesn't mean the marriage is over.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

He might well be a wanker, but you need to find out what he's got to say, the real truth of the matter. I have a bad feeling you won't hear what you want, he seems to be putting off having that frank chat.

I don't think there's a right and a wrong thing to be doing on a Sat, me and my husband go out a lot on some weekends and don't see each other much, other times we spend a lot of time together. There seems to be a lack of communication about what is decided and who decides it.

A long conversation about everyone's happiness is overdue here, it might be painful, but it is necessary.

[Minion100]

I think diferrent expectations apply if someone relocates to live with you. It does, to a degree, fall on you to assist them with settling in. You can't expect the person to magically have their own life.

He'd be better served having his mates and their wives for a few drinks rather than sodding off to gold and the pub. Maybe then OP would have a helping hand making friends. Is she expected to go clubbing on her own?

Not absolving OP from some responsibility for her own life, because there's heaps she can do, but he needs to chip in too.

[LEMmingaround]

He is clearly prioritising his "mates" over the op. She wants to talk -not about what colour to paint the kitchen, but about whether or not they still has a marriage, yet he still leaves her to play golf. Ok. Only for the morning but then says they cant talk tonight as he is going out with his friends. He is making it perfectly clear that she has to accept what scraps he throws her. They dont have kids so wtf isnt she invited on the night out with friends.

Op you have done the wrong thing by accept ing this. You are telling him that you dont expect any respect and he is taking you at your word and treating you like a mug. You are basically saying keep kicking me.

You need to tell him that no. You are not willing to wait at home while biting your nails because you dont know where you stand. Tell him you want to get a take away or go out and talk ton8ght. If he can't make that effort for you. You have your answers im afraid.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"then he said he's meant to be going to the pub with his mates so I said fine, we will talk tomorrow"

The correct response should have been .... "our relationship is more important than your mates." (I would have also added... 'if you don't agree with that, don't bother coming back'..... but that's just me)

Keep falling in with what he wants & never asserting yourself OP and you will only earn more of his contempt. Sorry.

[VanderElsken]

The issue is one of a power imbalance. There is a book called The Passion Paradox, OP, which would really help you. It's not in print but there are often old copies for sale on Amazon etc. You need to see that your investment and reliance on your DH means that you think you love him more and can't live without him. In fact this is just because you are in a position of disempowerment which means you live with a constant fear of loss, which activates our adrenaline and fight and flight responses. Whereas the one with more power in a relationship often does feel less, that's partly what gives them power, they have less invested. But also because they DON'T HAVE to feel more. They get all their needs met and more anyway, so they are relaxed, safe, self-focused and entitled, and pretty much can do what they like, including being unfaithful or unkind because they never suffer any real consequences They just come home to someone kept primed by fear turned devotion Even if they did lose they partner, it impacts them less because their life is more rounded as a result of their independence and power. So they have less to fear. Your situation is causing the way you feel, not really the other way around.

[Minion100]

^^ I agree with that, but it's worth noting not always is the power taken from you, sometimes you willingly give it away.

Sometimes it sort of works out that way because of underlying needs. You might have an underlying need to be looked after, to avoid really "living", to live only for your DH, to escape life, responsibility and to live in a little bubble where he is all you want and need like some kind of romantic fantasy.

I know I lived like that and did not realise how unhappy I was until after the fact.

That can be very attractive / passionate at first but it wears thin later. It could be that OPs DH wants her to have her own life but he doesn't realise what's wrong. Clueless rather than anything else.

Talking openly / counselling can really help.

[VanderElsken]

Yes, Minion, sure, someone can be in that position through a subconscious familiarity with disempowerment that keeps taking them back there, but I don't think fault or blame for the dynamics of the relationship should be the focus. I think taking responsibility, where appropriately, as you seem to suggest, can be very useful. But the OP needs to recognize what's going on here fundamentally. That feeling of desperate fear, panic and longing and passion and 'in love' one partner feels can just be a reaction to being DISEMPOWERED rather than a sign the relationship is a healthy one that is loving and capable of flourishing.

[Minion100]

Agree. I do think it's something that only she can resolve though. Through making her own life and laying down boundaries and expectations. When that fear and panic you talk about goes away and you finally realise you are OK without someone else it's a wonderful feeling :)

[dollius]

This is the first time I have found myself disagreeing completely with SGB.

OP has relocated to be with her husband, why is he going out with his mates without her? Why aren't they socialising as a couple with his friends?

He then lands this bombshell and swans off out to play golf.

Sorry, but I don't get the advice to "be more cool" at all.

I think he has some explaining to do and I think leaving her all day and evening wondering what's going on is just plain cruel of him.

[Egghead68]

Don't lose sight of the strong possibility of an OW. Check his phone if you get a chance.

Personally I'd be kicking him out. I wouldn't want to live with someone who didn't love me.

[Minion100]

Please update us anyway OP

[MissPennySweet]

There is an OW. She is fucking 18.