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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH and I at loggerheads over " details"

147 replies

Primadonnagirl · 09/05/2014 21:23

DH is v laid back and To a degree so am I . But there are certain things in life ,as an adult, you just need to deal with. This is a classic example
Him : DSD is coming for the weekend
Me : Lovely, what are her plans?
Him : Dunno
Me: Just her or boyfriend as well?
Him: Dunno..
Me: Well can you find out so I know whether to set up double bed etc.
Him: Maybe

Repeat a dozen times with me constantly asking only so I know how many people I'm feeding etc.He gets irritated by me being " controlling and obsessing about the detail". All of which is I suppose just a difference of approach ..until the killer moment where he looks at me and says " what are you doing for lunch etc..or Do we have any beer? " suddenly expecting me to instantly provide for a number of people I didn't expect. It drives me up the fucking wall...an intelligent man with a v responsible job cannot understand that he needs to actually say out loud the stuff he knows in order for me to know it too...but no, I'm the one that's the control freak!!

Tonight it's all come to a head..he was supposed to book a table for a family Sunday lunch..I knew it but didn't badger him because he warned me not to be controlling about it..so I left it .. And suprise suprise we can't get in anywhere...

Feel better now!

OP posts:

brdgrl · 11/05/2014 12:21

If people like you for you they really won't care if a hair is out of place or a toy is out on the rug. It really doesn't matter. If it does matter to those people, perhaps you need to change the people you hang out with.

For the last fucking time, Ribena, I have never once complained about toys on rugs or anything similar. YOU continue to ignore my actual posts (and my questions to you, or my examples or real world issues) in favour of some ridiculous portrayal of me as a person obsessed with Martha Stewart like perfection, no self-esteem, a shit husband, and shitty friends.

You're being really, truly, obnoxious. Really. You don't know me, you ignore what I actually post, and hammer on about some made up version of who brdgrl is.

I am a highly educated woman with a doctorate and two jobs. My husband is a lovely man who has been a SAHD and a single father. I live in a normal home, not a hovel and not a magazine spread. I enjoy making nice meals, I enjoy entertaining, and I like my family and my guests to feel cared for. Now, apologise, or piss off.

Fairenuff · 11/05/2014 12:23

For the last fucking time, Ribena

Promise?

brdgrl · 11/05/2014 12:37

Do you know what, Fairenuff, I came on this thread with sympathetic and supportive posts to the OP.
My subsequent posts have responded to goady, rude, remarks.
Ribena is well out of line here. You are shit-stirring and nasty.

I tried to be nice. You didn't.

Fairenuff · 11/05/2014 12:38

But brd you are swearing at people and that isn't nice. You seem to be very angry and I'm not sure why. People don't have to agree with each other, it's just a discussion.

brdgrl · 11/05/2014 12:43

You don't understand why I'm angry? Please read my posts again.

But you do understand why I'm angry, and that's why you are keeping it going, because you find it amusing.

People don't have to agree, but they don't have to be cunts, either.

Twinklestein · 11/05/2014 12:47

but to be honest my anxiety about not looking after guests is greater than my desire to teach him a lesson

Are you sure this anxiety is just about looking after guests, and not also about him?

Do you know why you have this much anxiety?

If he won't share the information then tell him he's the only one who can organise the weekend: he does the beds, the shopping, the cooking.
It's his daughter after all.

Fairenuff · 11/05/2014 12:50

I have read your posts, you were sarcastic towards me for no reason.

I know you are happy with your arrangements but OP isn't so that is why posters have been suggesting to her that she can make life better for herself, she doesn't have to put up with her partner being inconsiderate.

I, personally, have not made any comment on your lifestyle yet you have been increasingly angry with me and anyone else who disagrees with you. That's what I don't understand.

Twinklestein · 11/05/2014 12:50

Next time I mean.. there will be next time and another and another if you don't get on top of this...

Scornedwoman67 · 11/05/2014 13:18

oh dear. I do hate it when I start reading a thread, thinking I might be able to offer my perspective, and halfway through a couple of posters take over with a spat

OP
I do understand why you are stressed. If it were me I would make the bed up, get a few drinks in etc then when the DSD arrives, ask her dad (in front of her) which pub/restaurant he booked. When he looks shifty/embarrassed/blank (depending on how much of an arse he really is) smile, and suggest you all go early & try a carvery, or get takeaway. That way she will realise that he just couldn't be bothered. You won't look bad either.
You then need to explain to him after the event that he needs to pull his weight. Try not to worry too much about it. You just need to be more assertive and to get him to understand that whilst visits should be fun & relaxing, some elements need planning.

OnlyLovers · 11/05/2014 13:55

This would drive me up the wall.

Bollocks to people saying the OP is controlling.
Bollocks to the 'Men and women are just different' mentality and the 'just make up the double bed' mentality.
Bollocks to the MIL who demands a 'proper' Sunday lunch.

OP, when it happens again, as soon as he says 'x is coming for the weekend', I'd say 'OK, well you'll need to find out who's coming so the right bed(s) can be set up and what the plans are for eating so we can shop/book restaurants'. When he objects or says something vague, just say 'Previously you've left it vague and we've been caught out when people arrive. I don't like it when you find, for example, that there's no drinks to offer people and ask me why we haven't got any. We need to work together to sort these things in advance. I will not run out shopping at the last minute and I won't traipse about looking for somewhere to eat if you don't sort these things in advance I will just not get involved.'

I really think you need to say these things in this much explicit detail so nothing is left unclear.

But the key thing is, once you've spelled out the consequences, is not to get involved or let him blame you for things.

EverythingCounts · 11/05/2014 14:29

Agree with the two posts above. It has to be made clear, in a way that isn't aggressive but is assertive - not apologizing or accepting blame - that this was your DH's task. In response to beer question I'd say 'What a strange question, you said YOU were going to sort it out!' Then tell him that the supermarket will still be open so he can pop down there - do NOT offer to go yourself, you sit down and have pleasant chat with visitors. He has to experience the consequences to understand how and why it is a problem.

How has the lunch situation turned out, OP?

Fairenuff · 11/05/2014 14:37

Yes, it doesn't have to be a confrontation or ultimatum. In fact, the more casual you are about it, the more success you will have. "Beer? Oh, I don't know, you said you would sort it. Now, MIL, what were you saying about your neighbour...?"

You can be sure that, next time, he will remember the beer. He might forget a lot of other things but not that. One thing at a time.

"Beds made up? Oh, I don't know, you didn't say anything about making beds. Why don't you pop up and do it now. So, DSD, what were you saying about that concert...?"

You get the idea.

QuintessentiallyQS · 11/05/2014 14:39

If she is old enough to bring a boy friend and use a double bed, surely she is old enough to set up the double bed herself together with her boyfriend? Surely she is old enough to get in touch and let you know these details herself?

Igggi · 11/05/2014 14:43

But Quint why does the dsd need to contact the OP to make arrangements, why can't it be enough to speak to her own father? And for him to get the details needed?

QuintessentiallyQS · 11/05/2014 14:44

Sorry, YOU PLURAL, she could get in touch and let either of them who was coming.

Igggi · 11/05/2014 15:49

Ah, makes sense
She is perhaps just as lacking in the details as her dad, presumably as someone else always sorts it out for her!

Original poster

Primadonnagirl · 11/05/2014 20:12

So this is what happened..she turned uo with boyfriend but because I'd erred on the side of caution I was prepared..and lunch today worked out ok cos some people dropped out so it was much easier finding an alternative ( which Dh did!) so all was fine..but in a way that means I had all that anxiety for nothing..although I would have been mortified if I hadn't have planned for the boyfriend coming! I really don't think I need counselling though....

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 11/05/2014 20:59

What did you do to prepare for the boyfriend that you wouldn't have done if he hadn't come too?

Original poster

Primadonnagirl · 11/05/2014 21:22

I made up the double bed, bought in stuff to cook a meal enough for his appetite and bought the only drink he drinks..He's a lovely lad so I dont mind..I just wanted to know whether I needed to do it so I didn't waste money and time

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 12/05/2014 08:28

And you would have felt 'mortified' if you hadn't prepared? I do think that is way over the top.

What if they called round unannounced and asked to stay over? You wouldn't have his favourite drink so he would have either said, don't worry I'm fine, or he would have popped out and got some.

You wouldn't have planned a meal but everyone has something they can rustle up, or again, pop out for supplies.

The bed wouldn't have been made up. Well, how long does it take for four adults to make one bed.

If the idea of that is too impossible for you to contemplate then I must say, I do think counselling would be a good idea. Not, to 'fix' you, there is nothing wrong with you, just to help you become less anxious. I can see why your dh finds it difficult to live with tbh.

alphabook · 12/05/2014 13:22

Your DH sounds lazy and irresponsible, but you also sound like you have control issues. Sometimes I have people round and we realise we don't have any beer in. The world doesn't end, someone pops out to get some. Haven't booked a table? We'll try a few different places and have a takeaway if we don't have any luck. What's the worst that you think will happen if you're unprepared for guests?

Going back to your DH, you need to be calm, assertive and stop enabling him. If he won't give you the information you need then make it clear to him that he is responsible for finding out, and he deals with the consequences if you end up being unprepared.

cuddybridge · 12/05/2014 20:18

My Oh was like this when my PIL came to stay, they dont like to commit to a time, even if they do, they will be hours late, and its all OK with him as thats how they are.
They were due one weekend, and the meal id planned needs cooking at the last minute, they were 4 hours late, and My FIL announced as he walked in the door, that he was starving, As I was v pissed off, I said that as they had been expected at lunch, the dinner wasnt ready, and would be several hours. I didnt offer anything else,
They never did it again, they were still often late, but not more than 40 minutes or so, if only Id known, 20 years of tearing my hair out over visits, and all I needed to do was not make it allright when they finally arrived.

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