DH and I at loggerheads over " details"

[Primadonnagirl]

DH is v laid back and To a degree so am I . But there are certain things in life ,as an adult, you just need to deal with. This is a classic example
Him : DSD is coming for the weekend
Me : Lovely, what are her plans?
Him : Dunno
Me: Just her or boyfriend as well?
Him: Dunno..
Me: Well can you find out so I know whether to set up double bed etc.
Him: Maybe

Repeat a dozen times with me constantly asking only so I know how many people I'm feeding etc.He gets irritated by me being " controlling and obsessing about the detail". All of which is I suppose just a difference of approach ..until the killer moment where he looks at me and says " what are you doing for lunch etc..or Do we have any beer? " suddenly expecting me to instantly provide for a number of people I didn't expect. It drives me up the fucking wall...an intelligent man with a v responsible job cannot understand that he needs to actually say out loud the stuff he knows in order for me to know it too...but no, I'm the one that's the control freak!!

Tonight it's all come to a head..he was supposed to book a table for a family Sunday lunch..I knew it but didn't badger him because he warned me not to be controlling about it..so I left it .. And suprise suprise we can't get in anywhere...

Feel better now!

primadonnagirl it seems there is a statistically significant majority on your thread who think there's a problem with your vagina.

I bet you never expected that diagnosis, did you

I don't think it's up to women not to the necessary work around the house before things will change Ribena. I think it's up to men to do their share. It's their behaviour which is wrong. They should be the ones pulling their weight. Here's an incentive for them. Men do your fair share, save your life!

often it is the woman who is judged for the state of the home or the quality of the hosting

Actually I think it boils down to how the woman feels about herself, not how others view her. If my guests blamed me for the lack of preparation for their visit I would think that's their problem, not mine.

I would probably say, sorry I've got nothing special in for you, dh didn't tell me you were coming, or whatever the truth of the matter was.

If they think worse of me for that, so what. It makes no difference to me. They can not come to visit me if that's how they feel. Maybe that's why some women feel obliged to run around sorting everything and others don't.

Actually I think it boils down to how the woman feels about herself, not how others view her. If my guests blamed me for the lack of preparation for their visit I would think that's their problem, not mine.
Yes, well, if "my" guests blamed me, I think that'd be quite fair - if my parents, friends, whatever come to visit, I would like them to be comfortable, and - if the occasion warranted it - more than comfortable, pampered or celebratory as appropriate. If I have guests, I think it is my responsibility to prepare for them. How this makes me a slave or a control freak is beyond me, honestly.

If DH's guests blamed me, I'd agree in theory that it is nothing to do with me and let him sort it out. Except when you have to actually deal with the MIL, family friend, or stepchild who has judged you and found you lacking, all the positive self-esteem in the world does not necessarily protect one from stress and grief. In the original example, OP could take the view that DSD's comfort and happiness are not her problem, sure - but it won't add to her happy home life, it may well result in problems with her relationship with her DSD, and there will be both short term and long-term repercussions.

(And incidentally - while this is of course of no concern to the lovely ladies here with such high self-esteem and lack of interest in the views of others - it would almost certainly get her a roasting on MN!)

And add to this that guests to my home aren't so easily divisible into "his" and "mine" - if his sister comes to visit, I'd like her to have a lovely visit, a comfy bed, a reservation at a nice restaurant, and to have our childcare and work sorted out so that we can all spend time together. So sure, I can throw up my hands and say "not my problem! It's his sister!" - but this doesn't actually make my life better in any way. It's not unreasonable instead to expect DH to be a bit more organised about plans and communications, which is all the OP is asking for, actually.

when you have to actually deal with the MIL, family friend, or stepchild who has judged you and found you lacking, all the positive self-esteem in the world does not necessarily protect one from stress and grief

Actually I find that it does.

I don't mind if my MIL finds me lacking. I didn't marry her and she doesn't have to visit me if she finds me lacking. A step child I would consider family, the same as my own children, so they can take us as they find us.

Likewise if I visit friends or relatives, I don't mind if I have to make up my own bed, or help to shop for food and cook it. It's more about mucking in and having fun together than making someone run around after me. I wouldn't feel comfortable if I was putting others out.

Personally I think that's what makes for a happy home and is less likely to cause friction between couples or long-term repercussions.

Actually I find that it does.
Actually I find that it doesn't.

I don't mind if my MIL finds me lacking. I didn't marry her and she doesn't have to visit me if she finds me lacking
I want my in-laws to visit us.

A step child I would consider family, the same as my own children, so they can take us as they find us.
That probably works fine if the stepchild feels the same way.

Likewise if I visit friends or relatives, I don't mind if I have to make up my own bed, or help to shop for food and cook it. It's more about mucking in and having fun together than making someone run around after me. I wouldn't feel comfortable if I was putting others out.
Good for you. My parents are in their mid-80s, my mum can't walk, and they live overseas. On their rare visits here, I'd like them not to have to cook and make beds.

Seriously - I don't CARE if you and Ribena do things differently. Why are you so judgmental?

I'm not judging the OP, I'm telling her that if she lets her dh face the consequences of his actions, it will be alright. Nothing bad will happen, no-one will hate her but he might realise how disorganised he is and do something about it.

OP is unhappy with the situation as it is at the moment, so the only solution is to change something. It's logical - if she carries on doing the same thing, she will keep getting the same results. If she changes her reaction, she will get a different result.

No point in complaining about it if you aren't prepared to do anything to change it. That's just martyrdom.

It seems to me the OP is open to suggestions about how to change her own reactions, but also open to ideas about how to discuss the problem with her DH. Because, you know, its not martyrdom to say "I've got a problem, I've tried to deal with it, but I need some reciprocity from DH to sort it out."
Instead, she's got a select few posters telling her that she's the problem.

Unless of course you think she should just LTB.

No point in complaining about it if you aren't prepared to do anything to change it. That's just martyrdom.
No, that's not the definition of marytrdom.

Why on earth would you think she should divorce him over this? There are plenty of ways to change without resorting to such drastic measures. I don't think OP is the problem but I do think that she is contributing to the problem by sorting out his mistakes.

He won't change unless he wants to. And he won't want to whilst OP is running round fixing everything for him. Therefore, all she needs to do is stop doing things for him and let him face the consequences of his own actions.

It's quite a simple solution really.

Back again. God didn't expect this to kick off! Look, I know it's my anxiety - not his- so I'm the one that has to deal with it. I think some of you think this is a huge marriage problem. Its not - we were at loggerheads the evening I posted, not all the time. But he's he is too laid back and unthinking, but to be honest my anxiety about not looking after guests is greater than my desire to teach him a lesson. My frustration and sadness was in the fact that despite knowing this about me he doesn't try to improve the situation, and it was particularly hurtful this week cos I'd been manic at work.I just wanted him to see that if he just put a bit of thought into things it would be so much easier for everyone. I don't think that makes me a martyr or a little woman chained to the kitchen.

Can you put it to him like that OP? Perhaps if he sees that he is putting this burden on you then he will realise why he needs to step up and take responsibility for his guests?

Men and women are just different. My husband of over 40 years is last minute.com and I am a control freak who knows it. I have learned over the years to relax. When I was young I wanted the house to be very clean and very tidy. (With four kids ! ) My kids and DH would not have greatly noticed, so guess who tidied and cleaned a lot and in the process made everyone unhappy by being grumpy and resentful about it. So guests are coming ! including MIl? So at the beginning of our marriage I would be running around ironing sheets, poring over cook books etc, banning everyone from going into rooms and messing them up etc. by the time the guests came everyone including me was tense and unhappy. I look back on those wasted years with my DC. I should have been having FUN with them not plumping up cushions to impress my MIL. Now people come, beds are unmade, meals are unplanned and things work out. The last time a mob came and I said sorry nothing had been done and they went to Sainsburys and brought back some delicious perfectly edible food. Relax !
relax ! life is too short. Your children will remember grumpy Mum, wouldn't you rather they remember Mum who was Fun! Get counselling I did.

Fairenuff, that was sarcasm. I thought the absurdity and the sceptical face would be enough to make that clear. Sorry for any confusion.

And now OP should get counseling so that she can put up with it. What the actual fuck.

He won't change unless he wants to. And he won't want to whilst OP is running round fixing everything for him. Therefore, all she needs to do is stop doing things for him and let him face the consequences of his own actions.
And as has been said in several different ways and using real world examples, it is not that simple.

It's really staggering how people can insist that a situation is "simple" even when confronted with evidence that it isn't.

And without responding with real world solutions to any of the complications raised.

And by constructing scenarios where the OP and I are talking about "plumping cushions". Or telling us to "relax". Oh, do fuck off - this isn't about cushion plumping, I couldn't tell you if I have ever plumped a cushion in my life.

What a load of shit.

OP, this isn't actually your problem, not his, no matter if a few smug posters want to tell you that something works for them, so your marriage must be a mess/you must be a mess if it doesn't work for you.

Sometimes there are problems which actually do require the other person to change their behaviour. It seems to me the solution here lies in finding actual strategies that your husband and you can jointly undertake. To get back to those, instead of discussions of your vagina, what could actually help?

DH and I do a lot more stuff 'on paper' than we did at the start of our marriage, to counter some of this tension. For example, we have a preprinted shopping list, made up with all the things we usually need, and every Sunday we sit down and plan the week's meals, and mark on the shopping list the things we will need. That is an opportunity to discuss things like changes in numbers - he'll say "oh, yeah, DSD isn't going to be here on Tuesday" or "can we get some extra beer in, because x is coming on Friday". We also more clearly defined who is responsible for what - so for example I do all the laundry, but the kids have to bring their's downstairs or it doesn't get done. We put up a whiteboard and a calendar in the kitchen. This kind of thing works for us, and I think the next thing we need ourselves is a similar "system" for dealing with our financial planning.

Sorry, OP, these obviously may not be things you can or would want to use, but my point really is that in my case, rather than just putting up with DH's lack of communication, or alternately giving up on what is important to me (and by the way, even if the things that are important to me seem trivial to others, why should I give them up if they make me happy?) - we look for ways to address both our needs and styles. Haven't cracked it completely yet, but I'd rather carry on trying to solve it.

brdgrl

See, Ribena, the thing is, I never said that I like it "just so". You said that, twice, and I corrected you

You actually said:

I need to have things carefully planned, well ahead of time, so that I don't become consumed with anxiety

[just so.phrase of just
arranged or done very neatly and carefully.
"e.g. polishing the furniture and making everything just so."]

If you want to do all the things you want to do then good for you - knock yourself out. It's your life. What we are trying to say is that if you don't have things 'carefully planned, well ahead of time', and someone pops round, nothing bad will happen. If people like you for you they really won't care if a hair is out of place or a toy is out on the rug. It really doesn't matter. If it does matter to those people, perhaps you need to change the people you hang out with.

to be honest my anxiety about not looking after guests is greater than my desire to teach him a lesson

I think this is why toyoungtodie was saying that counselling might help you OP. Your anxiety is keeping you chained to this lifestyle and you would find it difficult to make the necessary changes on your own.

A counsellor can help with that. Imagine how good it would feel not to be weighed down with anxiety over such small, simple issues. At the moment it seems impossible but a good counsellor can give you strategies to help overcome this.

Once your dh realises that you are not going to make up for his ineptness, he will change. But as long as you keep doing it, he won't so you will be stuck in this cycle where you keep coming up against the same problem.

your dh is as entrenched in his patterns as you are in yours.

one of you is going to have to break out and you might find it easier to change your pattern than getting him to change his! right now your discomfort is greater than his.

so how to do it? what do you think will work?

OP...walk away from this thread . You are not a cushion-plumping vagina. He is not a total bastard that you need to leave (either leave wallowing in his own lack of planning or totally LTB)

Just as saner people have commented...including me find some neutral time to discuss changes for the next time. (Oh and BTW write down your agreed way forward - does help).

Hope you are having a lovely meal somewhere later

Yes, good idea to write down agreements.

I think also Ribena and brd need to get a room and chat things out together too. Between themselves

Ribena, you do understand that the thing I wrote and you quoted
I need to have things carefully planned, well ahead of time, so that I don't become consumed with anxiety

and the gibberish thing you wrote
[just so.phrase of just
arranged or done very neatly and carefully.
"e.g. polishing the furniture and making everything just so."]

don't actually say or mean the same thing?
That "careful planning" and "polishing the furniture" are not synonymous?

MyFirstName, if OP tells me that she'd rather I didn't continue to discuss the issue on her thread, I will stop replying to the provocative and insulting posts.

I think also Ribena and brd need to get a room and chat things out together too. Between themselves

Why is that? Are we not allowed to disagree on things in public then?

Who died and made you the boss?