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Original poster

DH and I at loggerheads over " details"

147 replies

Primadonnagirl · 09/05/2014 21:23

DH is v laid back and To a degree so am I . But there are certain things in life ,as an adult, you just need to deal with. This is a classic example
Him : DSD is coming for the weekend
Me : Lovely, what are her plans?
Him : Dunno
Me: Just her or boyfriend as well?
Him: Dunno..
Me: Well can you find out so I know whether to set up double bed etc.
Him: Maybe

Repeat a dozen times with me constantly asking only so I know how many people I'm feeding etc.He gets irritated by me being " controlling and obsessing about the detail". All of which is I suppose just a difference of approach ..until the killer moment where he looks at me and says " what are you doing for lunch etc..or Do we have any beer? " suddenly expecting me to instantly provide for a number of people I didn't expect. It drives me up the fucking wall...an intelligent man with a v responsible job cannot understand that he needs to actually say out loud the stuff he knows in order for me to know it too...but no, I'm the one that's the control freak!!

Tonight it's all come to a head..he was supposed to book a table for a family Sunday lunch..I knew it but didn't badger him because he warned me not to be controlling about it..so I left it .. And suprise suprise we can't get in anywhere...

Feel better now!

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 09/05/2014 23:13

But you don't live in a filthy house, with unmatched bowls, just waiting for someone to come along and then jump to attention to clean and get things sorted do you?

If anyone pops into ours, there is a clean front room, a slightly haphazard dining room as that's where I run my business from and a cleaned kitchen every night. If guests were expected then there is clean bedding and pull out beds that take about 10 mins to sort, or a blow up bed which would take 30 mins to sort. I could nip out for food, and rustle up a meal in an hour.

Quite a lot of fuss and bother for stuff that may or may not happen it would seem.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 09/05/2014 23:16

Why cant DSD make up her own bed? Confused

brdgrl · 09/05/2014 23:16

If anyone pops into ours, there is a clean front room, a slightly haphazard dining room as that's where I run my business from and a cleaned kitchen every night. If guests were expected then there is clean bedding and pull out beds that take about 10 mins to sort, or a blow up bed which would take 30 mins to sort. I could nip out for food, and rustle up a meal in an hour.

How lovely for you. Are you just worried about giving up the Superwoman title? Christ on a bike.

peggyundercrackers · 09/05/2014 23:17

Brdgrl I thought I was the only one who didn't worry about my bank balance, I never ever ever open bank statements - drive my oh potty but it's detail I don't really need to know about. I don't spend what I earn so there's always money in the bank to cover what we buy - what does it matter after that? If I want to know what my balance is I will get a statement out the machine or phone the bank. Last time I called them my balance was completely different to what I was expecting but in my favour, I think the last time I asked for a balance was November Shock

brdgrl · 09/05/2014 23:17

and yes, my bowls are unmatched. Among many other failings. :)

brdgrl · 09/05/2014 23:20

peggy, I'd love to feel like that! We just don't have the part where there's always money in to cover it.

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/05/2014 23:27

How lovely for you. Are you just worried about giving up the Superwoman title? Christ on a bike.

If you are insisting on having things just so, then wouldn't your house be pretty sorted on a day to day basis anyway? I don't in any way think I'm superwoman, quite the opposite. My bowls are unmatched because I got them in oxfam about 20 years ago, why would unmatched bowls have any bearing on the reception I give my friends and family? I just don't get the double standards, you want it just so but live in a hovel? I don't buy it.

VinoTime · 09/05/2014 23:45

I would, in all seriousness, suddenly remember that spa day I booked on a whim months ago and take myself out for a lovely relaxing Sunday all by myself Wink

I fail to see how the OP is in any way controlling.

He is a grown man, not a child. If he fails to get things organised, then I'm sorry but that's on him. We all get a little bit forgetful from time to time and need reminding. But it's not occasional forgetfulness by the sounds of things here - it sounds like utter laziness. Laziness spurred on by the fact that the OP's DH expects her to sort it out if he messes it up. Fuck that.

Go get your nails done and leave him to scratch his head/arse in front of his family.

brdgrl · 09/05/2014 23:55

Excuse me, where did I say I lived in a hovel??? Or that the OP did?
Or for that matter, that we insisted on having things just so?

Your post is exceedingly smug for someone who is throwing about the superwoman word:
If anyone pops into ours, there is a clean front room, a slightly haphazard dining room as that's where I run my business from and a cleaned kitchen every night. If guests were expected then there is clean bedding and pull out beds that take about 10 mins to sort, or a blow up bed which would take 30 mins to sort. I could nip out for food, and rustle up a meal in an hour.

Look. I have a dog, a preschooler, two teens, two cats, and two jobs. I live in a house that is at least one bedroom too small for our needs, and we don't have pull-out beds; we have the furniture we could afford. It's not a "hovel", it is an ordinary home stocked and furnished by people with a limited income and absolutely zero spare time.

I maintain my house to a pretty nice standard, but that doesn't mean I feel it is ready to host guests when they 'pop in', at least not in a manner I am happy with. My DH doesn't really care, he feels the standard is high enough. I care, a lot, for all the not-so-simple reasons outlined above.

So enjoy your nipping and rustling, and your uncomplicated blended family, and no doubt your perfect marriage. Seriously - you are one lucky lady.

VeryStressedMum · 10/05/2014 00:06

I would shit myself if anyone popped in Grin
I wouldn't be particularly worried about the logistics of people staying as there is clean bedding, a fold out bed etc, but I like to actually know what was happening before hand.

I'm not a step mum so I don't know how it works but are you (op) not close/friendly enough with her to call her and find out what her plans are? If dh said his friends was coming to stay then I'd expect him to sort everything out but if it was family I'd call them myself.

FunkyBoldRibena · 10/05/2014 06:41

Your post is exceedingly smug for someone who is throwing about the superwoman word

I am smug for admitting I don't give a toss about how my house is viewed by others, or because I don't run around making everything just so?

I couldn't be less smug, which is why I don't care if the house is not perfectly clean, the dining room is haphazard or the kitchen is just the way it is after the pots are done at the end of the day. That's the point. I'm sure your house is perfectly fine on a day to day basis, and doesn't need you panicking over it should someone pop round. I used the hovel to show that you are contradicting yourself, in that if you like it just so, you probably don't live in a hovel.

Sheesh. Some people really need to just fucking relax a bit.

rootypig · 10/05/2014 07:30

*I can't see why the 'flog yourself to get everything just right when you haven't even been told what's is happening' should all be down to the person with a vagina. And if that's your choice, and you know people are coming, then prepare for the worst, if that's your bag. Or use another tactic to get the info.

Whining that he tells you nothing and then flapping to get everything just perfect because you must not let yourself look in any way less that superwoman...is just ridiculous. It does nobody any favours apart from teach 'them' you are there to pick up the slack.*

I stand by my question, Ribena why are you on this thread? your language is unpleasant and combative and doesn't betray a wish to help the OP at all. You're just ranting.

eddielizzard · 10/05/2014 07:43

jeez this would send me over the edge.

fucking inconsiderate.

i would throw down the gauntlet and say 'i'm not organising anything until you tell me important info. otherwise it's your problem mate.'

even the mate bit. grrr i'm cross on your behalf.

gamerchick · 10/05/2014 07:50

peggy you're a scammers dream.. hack your computer or skim your bank card.. set up a small direct debit that you'll never notice [grii]

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 10/05/2014 08:07

Brgrl..you've just described my life to a T!!! Just to answer a few points, I have ended up contacting DSD and that's no problem..but it's not the point.Having had the initial discussion with her re coming over I think it's reasonable to expect him to,have found out the basics.
Re the meal..I'm sure we wil get in somewhere..IF I take over and do the ringing round. Which I'm not going to do now. I know this cos he looked shocked and said "x is full.What shal we do??!!"
All I want to,do is be prepared and to have guests feel welcome. But I don't think rushing around buying/ doing things just in case is the answer eiither when I've been working all week too.
I'm just cross and hurt that in trying to do all this I get accused of being controlling!

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 10/05/2014 08:23

Unfortunately, as othrs have said, at work he may well be 'catered' for.
Have to book a restaurant for client dinner? "Janet, find me a restaurant".
"Janet, see if you can find that paper on XYZ". "I need a train to Newcastle..." Then he can sit back and get on with other stuff cos his minion has got on the case. The minute he has said it, it has been done, right???

Do you think he may be capable of finding somewhere else (with or without the fictional Janet's help??).

Or, he can organise a takeaway.....Can't he??? Look at it this way, less washing up, less fuss.

Is he capable of making up a bed? I know some people on here say that the girl is capable of making up the bed, but it is hardly welcoming is it? Not her fault that her father forgot to tell you! I personally hate it if a bed isn't made for me, it seems unwelcoming and uncaring.

Have a quiet word with her and ask if she can let you know what's happening. If you get on ok just joking say "You know what your dad is like- not exactly a details man, and I really like to be on top of things and know what is going on. We love to see you, but I don't want you coming in to an unmade bed or empty fridge! Can you text me and let me know?

Make sure it is done in a really jokey way and laugh at yourself as much as 'dad's shortcomings.

weatherall · 10/05/2014 08:32

I think you just don't sound very compatible.

Have you been together a long time?

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 10/05/2014 08:33

Death ray...is he having an affair with Janet do you think?!! Grin

Actually, the jokey call to DSD as you suggest is exactly what I have done. but he thought that was unnecessary. I do get what people are saying ie if I keep pandering to him he won't change etc. but I don't think it's fair to take his thoughtlessness out on other people.

NB..I had been planning to cook as well when DSD arrives..got everything in..and DH said " oh, didn't I tell you she's going to a concert?" aagh!!!!!

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 10/05/2014 08:36

I stand by my question, Ribena why are you on this thread? your language is unpleasant and combative and doesn't betray a wish to help the OP at all. You're just ranting.

No, I'm not ranting. News flash - there IS another way.

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 10/05/2014 08:36

We've been together 15 v happy years!! In many ways he is fab but this has always been a difference between us. Most of the time I just get on with it but it's come to a head this weekend cos I have had a mega stressful week at work ( doing two 12 hr plus days) so I could do without being hostess completely actually. So his whining about me needing to know details is just tipping me over the edge.....

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 10/05/2014 08:50

Could you just step back when such a week and weekend arises again and say 'look, I've had a very busy week, you have a bit more time available, so could you pick up arrangements for this weekend?'.

That's about sympathising with your being overworked and supporting you - basic give and take.

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 10/05/2014 09:21

..and he'd go yes, sure no problem..and then when guests arrive he d offer them a beer and go to get one..and ask me " haven't we got any beer?!" etc etc

OP posts:
rootypig · 10/05/2014 09:25

Flog, whine, flap

No, not ranting at all Hmm

MajesticWhine · 10/05/2014 09:27

Primadonnagirl, this seems to be at the heart of the problem - what it feels like to you when he says "haven't we got any beer?" Does it actually make you feel ashamed / guilty / inadequate - that you have failed in your duties?

lottiegarbanzo · 10/05/2014 09:31

I was trying to change the angle to 'looking after you' rather than 'doing unnecessary organising'.

He must see that, however much he thinks it's silly, you do stress over things and it has an impact on your enjoyment of the weekend. Also that, for there to be beer someone has to do shopping, this is a job, which in a busy week, might be one task too many for a tired, busy you. So, it would be kind for him to step in and at least cover the basic tasks.

It's kindness that seems to be lacking.

I know it's easy to get entrenched in positions on things so you both become stubborn and stop seeing those issues in the context of normal feelings and the rest of your relationship. That's the habit I think you need to break out of, by appealing to something simpler and more basic, like care and kindness.