DH and I at loggerheads over " details"

[Primadonnagirl]

DH is v laid back and To a degree so am I . But there are certain things in life ,as an adult, you just need to deal with. This is a classic example
Him : DSD is coming for the weekend
Me : Lovely, what are her plans?
Him : Dunno
Me: Just her or boyfriend as well?
Him: Dunno..
Me: Well can you find out so I know whether to set up double bed etc.
Him: Maybe

Repeat a dozen times with me constantly asking only so I know how many people I'm feeding etc.He gets irritated by me being " controlling and obsessing about the detail". All of which is I suppose just a difference of approach ..until the killer moment where he looks at me and says " what are you doing for lunch etc..or Do we have any beer? " suddenly expecting me to instantly provide for a number of people I didn't expect. It drives me up the fucking wall...an intelligent man with a v responsible job cannot understand that he needs to actually say out loud the stuff he knows in order for me to know it too...but no, I'm the one that's the control freak!!

Tonight it's all come to a head..he was supposed to book a table for a family Sunday lunch..I knew it but didn't badger him because he warned me not to be controlling about it..so I left it .. And suprise suprise we can't get in anywhere...

Feel better now!

..and he'd go yes, sure no problem..and then when guests arrive he d offer them a beer and go to get one..and ask me " haven't we got any beer?!" etc etc

Well, then you say 'I don't know dear, didn't you get any in?'

Well then you say I don't know if we have any more beer YOU were meant to be sorting it out dear. Then walk away. I understand wanting to make everything lovely for guests but even I've told dh to get stuff ready for a guest filled weekend as I was getting fed up of doing it all with no help.

I'm too slow!

Your DH is accusing you of being "controlling" (you are not - you are doing a job, running the house) to deflect from his own shortcomings (not bothering to help you run the house). He sounds incredibly selfish.

I'd say, 'I don't know, dear... Details, details...'

And flap a hand at him airily, while going back to your paper.

No, not ranting at all hmm

I typed some words. Big wow. That is not a rant.

A rant would be to tell you to get yourself a life if all you can do is to try and have a go at me for being able to stand up for myself and not acting like a Stepford Wife.

You don't own the thread.

I am perfectly entitled to type whichever words I like in whichever thread I like and if the powers that be don't like it then I'm sure they will be in touch.

As I said, some people need to relax a bit.

you are doing a job, running the house

Because she has a vagina she has to run the house?

Sod that for a laugh.

She works all week too. It's their joint job to run the house.

I despair sometimes I really do.

Have you sat down and talked about this properly. Start with the having guests thing. Ask him to let you talk first to explain how you feel about having guests - that you like to have things prepared and welcoming. If there is some background to this (how your parents did it....or how they don't do it and you find it awkward). Talk about the fact you want to make sure your DSD feels welcome - and havign food/beds ready is your way of emotionally opening your arms to her. You can maybe say that you understand that some of this is not necessary - but it makes you feel better. And your feelings are valid. You get anxious if you cannot do it. And anxiety is pants.

If you can get him to have some understanding of this then go onto asking him how he feels when you are asking him for details. Ask him why he is so keen not to have to deal with it. Is it something from work? Is it something from how his mother used to ask him for stuff. Is it when he is asked (ie just in the door/a text at work).

Then ask him - and work yourself - on what you have to both change so that you both get a good compromise. A 10 minute discussion at the beginning of each week. Maybe a clear demarcation of duties - he does restaurant bookings and beer fridge stocking. You do beds and nibbles in the cupboard. And then take these duties and own them. Do not fret about the beer. Not your job. Do not ask him about beds - not his job. But then again yo may decide a different approach.

It sounds faff, and a bit silly but this is clearly at a minimum pissing you off - but at worst causing you some anxiety. Not dealing with it will not fix it.

Just pick a calm moment (probably after this weekend is over) and try and make sure this does not happen again.

And I had to have a similar discussion with my DH - he knows my background anxiety re guests/visitors (vile Uncle...family rift post visit - a whole new forum let alone thread). So he knows that although he does not "get" my anxiety and he thinks I should let it go - that in real life that is some years off happening. So now he supports me with whatever stupid things I fret about - if he forgets and doesn't ask what he can do to make it better, I know that I just have to ask him.

gamerchick - I work in IT and know how to protect my data. I don't do online banking at all - its not safe - I don't use my bankcard anywhere other than the bank to take out money. I don't switch money and I don't own a visa(credit) card so no chance of the card being skimmed - everything is paid for cash which gives me the added bonus of knowing none of my transactions can be traced by anyone.

lottie your post about kindness is very kind in itself - Thankyou. How does it make me feel if we don't have beer etc? Like I've let down my guests and therefore been rude to them. By the way, he doesn't say it in an angry way..he just genuinely doesn't think what needs to happen. Someone mentioned anxiety and it's true..I do feel anxious if I can't provide in ( by my values ) the right way. And as I said its been a particularly stressful week. So you are right .. I could just do with a little kindness myself rather than being told I'm controlling.

It's still important you check your statement.. because like banks don't fuck up like ever do they? I assume you at least keep track of getting a statement through the post if you don't do online banking, that it hasn't gone astray or anything like that? One paper statement, details for direct debits to be set up.

No odds to me but not checking your bank statement is silly, regardless of how careful you think you are and it's crazy shizzle just how many people don't do it.

Re the restaurant though..I am going to dig my heels in about that one. It's bloody common sense that you don't leave it till Friday night to book a table for 8 for Sunday lunch in a venue that's famous for it's Sundy lunches!!He immediately asked me what to do , so I said book somehwere else..but he hasn't done it yet. I know what's going to happen..he will say oh we' ll just find somewhere on the day and we will end up traipsing around, going somewhere just for the sake of it which will be like Wagamamas..MIL will have a cats bum face cos it's not a proper Sunday lunch...etc etc.. Yup, I'm anxious aren't I ??!

myfirstname Your comments are v kind and calming too - thanks. I will try and talk to him afterwards

You are not controlling you are trying to be accommodating and welcoming. Dh is exam
Ty the same but I have learned a little to let go. He loves food esp. My cooking , guess what no food prepared if I don't know a bout the guests. I know for a fact his mother didn't get a mother days card this year, his dad and wife didn't get a Xmas gift. Stuff I have reminded him about but he has ignored and guess what , I stepped back , it didn't make me feel better, I was embarrassed and cross but I stayed quiet as I have enough to do, his family's , his relationship, it poss. Does help that mil and I don't get on , but I used to organise flowers, dc contact etc, I now feel much better leaving it to him.

We are hosting four members of my family in about an hour and a half - until tomorrow. The house isn't yet tidy and there's no food in the house.

We'll get there. I just need to prise myself off the sofa. In fact, we'll wait until my parents arrive before we go out to get food in.

Not sure what my point is. I think it's that although dh and I are equally laid back about plans/hosting etc, I absolutely hate having plans changed on me late on. So, I understand your frustration - it's to do with being kept in the dark rather than incompatibility (as someone earlier suggested).

I know what's going to happen..he will say oh we' ll just find somewhere on the day and we will end up traipsing around, going somewhere just for the sake of it which will be like Wagamamas..MIL will have a cats bum face cos it's not a proper Sunday lunch...etc etc..

Ok, so you know this will happen, so be prepared for it. Let him traipse around on his own. Tell him to ring you when he has found a suitable place and then drive there to meet him, or get a taxi.

How his MIL feels about it is not your problem either. It's his.

There are ways of taking a back seat and letting him face the consequences of his actions (or inactions). Whether or not you let it bother you is up to you.

If not, you will carry on like this. He will keep being inept and you will keep your high anxiety. Visitors come to spend time with you, not your house or your food. They have all that at home.

I do think it's a little controlling because you don't want to be 'out of control'. I think you need to face your fear and do it anyway.

D'you know what, Primadonna? Given the recurring nature of this issue, and your certain knowledge that you will hate hate hate traipsing round trying to find somewhere to eat, I think I would advise your DH that if he doesn't manage to find somewhere to book, you are taking a rain check on the meal out because you really hate such traipsing - and what you like matters too!

I mean that they all head off, of course, but you choose not to join them.

Walk yes I think I might do that actually. I don't mind walking round if it's just two of us, but the chances of finding somewhere suitable with room for 8 is unlikely.And TBH I'm not going to be much company if I'm annoyed.
Quick update DSD has turned up ..with boyfriend.All decided they'd like to stay for dinner tonight now please.Well at least that's sorted then!

Many years ago I did as some are suggesting and didn't step up / step in. Not-sure-how-many in-laws were arriving at an unspecified time for unspecified length of visit and no further information given as to whether they needed feeding or not. They'd invited themselves, if that's important.

I had had a very busy week, had loads more to do at the weekend.

So I told husband I was not going to do anything, prepare anything, sort anything and it was up to him.

Random in-laws sat in the kitchen looking hungry for hours, then left to get lunch. I hid upstairs, marking. Yes I may have looked rude. At that point I didn't care.

It solved the problem though.

Primadonna why is it you making up the beds and the meals for his daughter? That would be fine if he was asking/providing you the information you needed to do those jobs. But the fact he isn't and doesn't seem to care is incredibly disrespectful.

You said: Just wait till people possibly turned up and then rummage round for something to make a meal and hope you had clean bedding?And if you didn't just say 'Tough it's his fault'

Next time this happens tell him the weekend is his responsibility. Then cut out the first sentence of what you said and you have it about right.

And what Walkacrossthesand says about the meal is spot on. Doesn't matter if you don't mind traipsing around if its just the two of you. That isn't the situation here.

I've never understood the vagina - houseslave connection, either, Ribena.

Tis fucking madness, and until (some) women stop this behaviour nothing will change.

I've never understood the vagina - houseslave connection, either, Ribena.

Tis fucking madness, and until (some) women stop this behaviour nothing will change.

Ribena has pretty clearly aimed the "vagina-houseslave" remark in my direction, as well as OP's, so please allow me to respond.
My DH is the SAHP in our house. He cooks, and he cleans. He was also a single dad to his older children. I am at a loss to which part of my remarks characterise me as a "vagina-houseslave* - I said that I like to be organised, and that I would like my DH to be less laid back about finances, and that I have a higher standard of cleanliness than he does.

I also said, and I think I was pretty clear in saying that this was a Bad Thing, that often it is the woman who is judged for the state of the home or the quality of the hosting, and suggested that this makes a situation more complicated than just saying "well, don't do it then".

I used the hovel to show that you are contradicting yourself, in that if you like it just so, you probably don't live in a hovel.
See, Ribena, the thing is, I never said that I like it "just so". You said that, twice, and I corrected you. You keep banging on about things that are based on your false assumptions and flawed readings of our actual posts.

You are actually the only person who is treating me like and calling me a "vagina-houseslave". It's very unpleasant and a very rude thig to say about anyone, let alone someone you don't even know, and you've been like a dog with a bone on this thread. What is your problem?

On the one hand, you've suggested that my home isn't quite up to scratch (after all, who can't be ready for last minute guests, it's just a matter of pull-out beds and a whipped-up meal, all very Samantha the Witch!) - on the other hand, we're pathetic counter-feminists if we want to have a nice home.

So, while we're being personal, Ribena, would you care to explain how your own home is in such a clean and well-organised condition? Are you doing this nightly kitchen cleaning yourself? Why is it you that must "nip out" and "rustle up" meals? Sounds a bit unemancipated, dontcha think?