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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and I at loggerheads over " details"

147 replies

Primadonnagirl · 09/05/2014 21:23

DH is v laid back and To a degree so am I . But there are certain things in life ,as an adult, you just need to deal with. This is a classic example
Him : DSD is coming for the weekend
Me : Lovely, what are her plans?
Him : Dunno
Me: Just her or boyfriend as well?
Him: Dunno..
Me: Well can you find out so I know whether to set up double bed etc.
Him: Maybe

Repeat a dozen times with me constantly asking only so I know how many people I'm feeding etc.He gets irritated by me being " controlling and obsessing about the detail". All of which is I suppose just a difference of approach ..until the killer moment where he looks at me and says " what are you doing for lunch etc..or Do we have any beer? " suddenly expecting me to instantly provide for a number of people I didn't expect. It drives me up the fucking wall...an intelligent man with a v responsible job cannot understand that he needs to actually say out loud the stuff he knows in order for me to know it too...but no, I'm the one that's the control freak!!

Tonight it's all come to a head..he was supposed to book a table for a family Sunday lunch..I knew it but didn't badger him because he warned me not to be controlling about it..so I left it .. And suprise suprise we can't get in anywhere...

Feel better now!

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 09/05/2014 22:17

In fact probably more so you because you'll be the one scrambling to get things ready / left to cook the lunch

No, only if you let yourself be the one scrambling around or cooking the lunch. If it was me, and I love a good cooking session, I'd be handing him a menu and asking him whether he is getting Chinese or Indian in for his surprise guests as I had other things planned [not having been told about x or y coming].

Lucked · 09/05/2014 22:22

Buy steaks next time and don't tell him you are one short until you all sit down to your lovely dinner and he just has a plate of frites and salad!

I agree with others just make up the double bed, what adult wants to sleep in a single anyway.

ExcuseTypos · 09/05/2014 22:22

I agree that you should step back if he can't be bothered to find out whose coming.

Let him sort everything out.

Fairenuff · 09/05/2014 22:23

I would have left him to sort out the bed/lunch. If it's something he's organised then let him get on with it.

rootypig · 09/05/2014 22:25

Yeah there's always an easy alternative to list Ribena. But go through this day by day and it just isn't possible to live that way. Being in a relationship isn't, to use your analogy, about getting chinese in. It's about someone else cooking for a change. I do not mean this literally. Of course every good relationship involves chinese food Smile. But I hope you get my point.

Anyway to be honest as smartie says someone else usually steps in to sort it out for them, even if it's not you.

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/05/2014 22:26

Do you think any part of this is to do with it being his DC and their partners visiting. I only ask because some dads get really defensive yes am looking at you DH when you ask anything about their DCs visiting because they feel they should be able to just walk in whenever/treat it as their home rather than be considered as visitors and be considerate as visitors announcing their numbers and a day and time etc. My DH has two adult sons and leaves the front door 'on the snick' all of every single weekend purely so his sons can just walk in without heaven forbid having to knock or ring up say they are coming, just in case they happen to visit. He gets really defensive if I take the snick off so that nobody can just walk in , which is how we have it all week , or even ask whether or not they might be visiting and when.

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/05/2014 22:29

Yeah there's always an easy alternative to list Ribena. But go through this day by day and it just isn't possible to live that way. Being in a relationship isn't, to use your analogy, about getting chinese in. It's about someone else cooking for a change. I do not mean this literally. Of course every good relationship involves chinese food smile. But I hope you get my point.

No I don't think you have a point. I'd not live this way and the whole martyrdom thing is pretty boring. I say either leave them to it or find a work around.

brdgrl · 09/05/2014 22:29

Oh, I get it...I agree that it is hard to do what needs done, which is to 'detach' and let things fall apart and - here is the really hard part - not let it get to you when they do.
I think it is worse when a few factors come together. For me, there are at least three things which make it so hard to detach. One, I am by nature an anxious person. I need to have things carefully planned, well ahead of time, so that I don't become consumed with anxiety. My laid-back DH is at the other end of the spectrum! Two, I want to be liked. I know it isn't cool to admit that, but it's true - I like to feel needed, and I don't want people to think badly of me. Three, I'm a stepmum. As a stepmum, the thing I have learned (on and off MN) is that people judge you all the time - not always badly, sometimes quite sympathetically (if you aren't a bitch, you're a saint!), and everything you do becomes an occasion for judgement. People are watching what you do, especially where it comes to things like visiting DSDs, and unfortunately, I think it is still true that the woman/wife is 'supposed' to be the natural nurturer, the pleasant hostess, the housekeeper. It is easy to say "just leave it to DH and if the bed isn't made up/the party isn't a success/DSD doesn't enjoy her visit/the house is a kip, its his problem" - but that just doesn't work when you know you actually are being scrutinized.

Sound familiar, OP?

Catsmamma · 09/05/2014 22:31

well if you won't cook then he's going to have to cancel the visitors isn't he?

i keep typing and deleting cos I can't see the reason for the fuss tbh. If you have a spare room then you can easily cater for the two staying overnight. So that part of the weekend can go ahead.

Meal-wise, if you are stuck for space then a full sit down dinner for eight is going to be a challenge, but guests will have to suck it up and have a fork supper, enjoy the company, eat off their laps and feck off home after....it is only the daughter and/or boyf. who are overnight guests so no one is going to have to top and tail with your MIL.

If he hasn't booked anything then he'll have to explain to the other 4 that the weekend meal is off.

And as for being mortified, well unless you do make a meal for eight then it's only an errant boyfriend who may or may not arrive so surely you can make allowances (or not) for him.

Fairenuff · 09/05/2014 22:32

I think it is still true that the woman/wife is 'supposed' to be the natural nurturer, the pleasant hostess, the housekeeper

Not in my home and many others I expect. Everyone is different. The point is that OP is unhappy in her situation so she should stop doing it.

mellicauli · 09/05/2014 22:33

So it's ok for him to invite guests without consulting you? ( even DsD..still a guest requiring catering and organisation). Did he not consider that you had your own plans about how you wanted to spend the weekend? Does that count for nothing? I assume she is adult due to double bed reference.

having not consulted you, he expects you to sort everything out with no information, and in fact insults you for asking for it?

He is treating you with contempt. Like a domestic servant. He wouldn't treat his colleagues like this, if he has a responsible job. I would lay down the following rules 1) no guests or catering without prior approval 2) no approval without basic details (who, how long, any special plans or consideration etc)

If he takes on a task don't bail him out - let him get out of his own mess.

brdgrl · 09/05/2014 22:34

Fairenuff, not in my home either, but in society I am afraid this is still the case. Everyone is different, but sadly there is still an awful lot of institutionalized sexism.

Bunbaker · 09/05/2014 22:35

"You do sound a bit controlling to be honest."

No she doesn't, not at all. If I have guests coming I want to know how many beds/which bed to make up, and how many people I am feeding. That isn't controlling. It is making people feel welcome and comfortable.

If my sister came to stay and I hadn't bothered preparing anything she would feel that I didn't want her to come.

brdgrl · 09/05/2014 22:35

The point is that OP is unhappy in her situation so she should stop doing it.
Thanks for telling me the "point" of this thread. Hmm
The "point" of my post is that it's not that simple.

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/05/2014 22:36

I agree Brdgl - that's what I was trying to say. If his DD and her partners visit was not a successful pleasant visit for any reason and they were made to feel that in any slightest way their visit was an inconvenience (beds not ready , more food needing to be bought in/cooked etc.) then it can be misconstrued as you having a problem with his kids visiting.

rootypig · 09/05/2014 22:41

Ribena what a load of nonsense. Caring that your partner is an arse and not wanting to do everything is not martyrdom

melli He wouldn't treat his colleagues like this, if he has a responsible job. yes I do find this interesting

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/05/2014 22:42

The "point" of my post is that it's not that simple.

I am also a stepmother. It is that simple. Either leave it to them or find a workaround if you must be all things to all people and have everything just so. In my opinion, if a stepdaughter is old enough to have a boyfriend over then they are old enough to make a bed up, and get some food in.

brdgrl · 09/05/2014 22:46

Because it works for you, case closed. Got it, then.

rootypig · 09/05/2014 22:51

Ribena I'm not a stepmother.....the OP doesn't frame this as being a stepmother's drum issue. We're on the relationships board. If you're not interested in the nuance and difficulty of relationships, why are you here? Confused

God I really need to stop spending my Friday nights arguing on MN, I am a sad case. Feel free not to reply if you cba.

rootypig · 09/05/2014 22:51

brdgrl (is that an Anthony and the Johnson's reference?) agree with your post, I also care more (for different reasons) - I think that when partners have differing values about planning and organising at the very least they should find a compromise - but in practice that it is the person who cares more that will do it all, because they have the most to lose. So they do everything and get insulted for it to boot Hmm

peggyundercrackers · 09/05/2014 22:57

Tbh it sounds like you are worrying about details which don't really matter. If someone is coming just make a double bed, What does it matter if 1 or 2 are coming? If you do the shopping why not just get some food in for visitors if you know they are coming or just stick some beer in your trolley when shopping. if you do buy these things just for visitors you obviously know they are coming so just do whatever instead of sweating the details, I don't see that these things actually matter.

Must admit if my OH says oh my db will be round this weekend I will just plan to buy whatever I think is suitable for them/us - the details of it all don't really interest me.

I understand not booking the meal would be annoying but surely it won't be too hard to find somewhere to eat, everywhere can't be busy?

MyFirstName · 09/05/2014 22:58

Lots of issues..but on one..surely you can text DSD directly and ask? WRT the meal...hand him the yellow pages...the place you had planned for is full...surely somewhere else has space.

Tbh he sounds like a bit of a pain...but maybe you have also got anxious about it and blown the lack of details it is out of proportion. So it has become a war. Break it back down to component parts...that you deal with together. You will make sure beds are ready, he does food.

Or do the toddler thing of offering him positive choices..will he tell you how many people are coming for a meal or is he going to just cook for a crowd and see who arrives.

Try and take the war out of it. Difficult. But far less bloody and far more likely to find a negotiated solution you both are happy with.

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/05/2014 23:03

I feel it is maybe a step issue , which is the only reason I suggested this might be a factor is because if the visiting DD and partner (or not as case may be) were the OPs own DD then OP would presumably be simply picking up the phone and saying 'DD, let me know when you're coming and if your bringing DP, will ya please , there's a good girl , might see you tomorrow then. Bye for now '
For some reason OP feels she cant take this direct approach and there is only one reason perceived or real I can think of why this is.

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/05/2014 23:05

Ribena I'm not a stepmother.....the OP doesn't frame this as being a stepmother's drum issue. We're on the relationships board. If you're not interested in the nuance and difficulty of relationships, why are you here? God I really need to stop spending my Friday nights arguing on MN, I am a sad case. Feel free not to reply if you cba.

I picked this up on 'active'. It's a list of the threads that are actively at any one time. I didn't walk into a room labelled 'relationships'...and have to show a badge of commitment to just talk about relationships...

Although...

I am definitely interested in relationships, I can't see why the 'flog yourself to get everything just right when you haven't even been told what's is happening' should all be down to the person with a vagina. And if that's your choice, and you know people are coming, then prepare for the worst, if that's your bag. Or use another tactic to get the info.

Whining that he tells you nothing and then flapping to get everything just perfect because you must not let yourself look in any way less that superwoman...is just ridiculous. It does nobody any favours apart from teach 'them' you are there to pick up the slack.

Still, if that's your bag then crack on.

brdgrl · 09/05/2014 23:09

Yes, rootypig...DH genuinely thinks that guests don't care if the house is filthy, let alone whether they get matching plates and bowls. He genuinely doesn't mind not knowing what his bank balance is, and he thinks we'll always get lucky and find a babysitter at the last minute. I worry too much, he worries too little, and because a negative outcome genuinely bothers me more - I end up taking it on.

I don't do it because I want to be superwoman or a martyr, I do it because it makes me very unhappy to live in uncertainty, and I try to avoid being unhappy.