Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Dating Thread 74.

999 replies

MadeMan · 04/05/2014 13:44

Hello and welcome.

OP posts:
Jarlin · 10/05/2014 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neiljames77 · 10/05/2014 15:02

Just ask him. I wouldn't see it as pushy or anything. He might have somewhere in mind that you think is crap. Then you could agree on somewhere else.

Maisie0 · 10/05/2014 15:12

Nice I normally go by my feelings, and how much I like him. But yes, there should be a time to how much one can wait as well. If he hasn't send anything over, and you still like him, then send a prompt reminder? (I do not know if this should be done, but I sometimes do get impatient, and not do the girly thing to wait... )

Jarlin You never know... Smile If only you had a mutual male friend though, and get him to give Slow a bit of a hint. Do you think you can do that via your auntie, or is that too mafia-o-so ?

Jarlin · 10/05/2014 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 10/05/2014 15:27

niceupthedance - I'd have made other plans by now. This happened to me with someone I'd seen a few times before. Arranged something at the weekend for the Weds, didn't hear from him at all. Send a message on Tues asking if we were still on for the next day. Never heard from him again!

niceupthedance · 10/05/2014 15:28

Thanks maisie and Neil. I am going to his area so I asked him to pick venue, last message from him was to leave it to him. I think I'll give it til 4pm then make other plans. I was excited to meet him though.

niceupthedance · 10/05/2014 15:32

Wicked - that is so rude. I understand it if you're just chatting, the disappearing, but once you've met I think you should be civil and say you don't want to proceed.

neiljames77 · 10/05/2014 15:35

niceupthedance - don't be too hasty. If it's his area, he might not see a point in naming where you're going because you might not know it.
Just text him and ask what time you should be ready for.

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 10/05/2014 15:48

Nice - I know! It lead to me making a spur of the moment date with my now boyfriend so everything happens for a reason but at the time, I wasn't impressed that he just went NC with me with no explanation Confused
Could you maybe have a back up plan in case you don't hear from him?

niceupthedance · 10/05/2014 16:00

Well I have plans to go to a club with a friend later, he knew about this and was fine with it as we were meeting for a quick drink as first meeting, so I won't be sitting at home. Maybe he thinks it's ok to flake out as I will be doing other stuff anyway. Regardless, I will be going back to the drawing board next week!

Maisie0 · 10/05/2014 16:17

Nice I would send him a message to say. "As I have not heard from you tonight about the details of tonight's plan. I will stay in instead." Do not do the rebound thing at all. Don't... If he does not reciprocate the feelings by doing something, then just add distance I think.

Jarlin Maybe there will be a surprise from that message too.

Gosh, reading all the messages here really brings back memories of my 20s. So much confusion.

jesy · 10/05/2014 16:53

Maisie

We been over for two years or so now ,he a good friend I have enough problems with the guy I'm seeing let alone my ex, sorry if it wasn't clear lol oops.
He wants this girl back or seems to

FolkGirl · 10/05/2014 16:54

Jarlin It's so hard isn't it? You sound reall calm about the waiting to see if he texts, but I know that every moment will be agony Sad I hope he does realise what he's potentially going to lose and does something about it.

Maisie A lot of my friends/women I know/mums at school are very much 'women'. They seem very grown up and very sensible. They undoubtedly have fun, but there's never any 'daftness' in their lives. Their fun is all very grown up, orchestrated and planned. My closest friends aren't like that and I don't think any of us look our age. In fact, I know the other two definitely don't (I can be objective about them!) But I still wouldn't want to date someone younger. My boyfriend can be a bit of an 'old man' at times, but that's one of the things I love about him Confused

niceupthedance · 10/05/2014 16:59

Maisie he did text, at 4.15 (!!) and I told him I had arranged to meet my friend earlier now. He asked to reschedule, so I will give him another chance.

Thanks for the advice Smile

FolkGirl · 10/05/2014 16:59

Oh I just thought I'd update from this morning.

I was really pleased that I wasn't plagued with anxiety about him going out last night. He emailed this morning at 10am to ask how I was, tell me he'd had a good time and then said that he loved me and missed me.

I think I finally trust him. Smile

And I want, again, to thank every one on here who's given me words of encouragement and support during my darkest hours...

I'm sure I'll be requiring more support when I discover he's cheated on me No, no stop it!

FolkGirl · 10/05/2014 17:03

nice just caught up with your question. I definitely think you did the right thing. Now he knows that you're not going to just sit around waiting for him. Good for you!

FWIW, I think not being married or having children does make a difference. When exH and I were together, he always really struggled making arrangements with his friends because they arranged things in the hour before going out, and he needed to make arrangements in advance, which they just had no need to do/experience of doing.

Having said that, it's a bit rude of him expecting you to wait around for him.

Jarlin · 10/05/2014 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FolkGirl · 10/05/2014 17:12

Just want to add on that my exH was of the "I don't see other women" variety. It was really awkward, I wasn't even allowed to say I was flattered if a man was attracted to me/looked at me/spoke to me. As far as he was concerned, I might as well have cheated.

He often made references to my many 'indiscretions' of which there were none in reality...

He always said I'd be more likely to cheat than him because I'd have more opportunity, I said he'd be more likely to because I wouldn't do it but I could see him sleepwalking into an affair with his eyes closed. Which is pretty much what happened - a friendship turned into an EA which became a relationship.

My boyfriend is a lot more pragmatic and has said that he finds other women attractive and knows that I will find other men attractive. That's because we're both human. But that he wouldn't do anything because he loves me.

I might not like the thought that he finds other women attractive, but that's life and, reading the many threads on here of affair-proofing relationships, it's that acknowledgement and the self awareness that seems to be key to it all.

I'm reassuring myself here, by the way. That's all Grin

FolkGirl · 10/05/2014 17:21

jarlin Thank you Smile

God, not definitely not going anywhere. This thread feels a little bit like home Confused

Besides, I'm feeling pretty good and confident today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring Grin

I've just rememebered all those many, many weeks when I'd spend the wekend with him, be on cloud 9 Sunday and Monday night and then in tears and ready to dump him by Tuesday, would fall into an increasingly deep pit of despair until Friday, feel a little better over the weekend and then be on a high all week whilst I looked forward to seeing him again the next weekend. And repeat. It was exhausting. But I think I needed to do it. To realise that I could trust someone again and put some of the fears into a bit of perspective.

I recently told him a story about something I did (a random act of kindness to an injured stranger in the street who everyone else was ignoring) and he said that was why he loves me, amongst other reasons.

It's nice, I think he really does value me and trusts me too. I hope he does. He should do (on both counts...) Wink

FolkGirl · 10/05/2014 17:27

KouignAmann What fantastic news! Congratulations Flowers and Wine and Cake.

Will that be the first Dating Thread proposal/marriage? Or have there been others?

Jarlin · 10/05/2014 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FolkGirl · 10/05/2014 17:44

Jarlin for me the whole OD process was 'therapy' almost.

I spent years feeling unattractive - physically, sexually, just as a person...

There are still days when I feel uncomfortable telling people I have a boyfriend or that I'm seeing someone because I just feel like they're going to be looking at me thinking, "You? You've got a boyfriend?" because I feel so unattractive.

But then, the other day at work we had a supply teacher in and when I went into the staff room I saw that he was looking at me. And then he turned away when I looked at him. But I saw him look back again and keep looking. It happened a few times during the day too. So, last week or whenever it was, that I said no one looked at me, or I didn't know if someone found me attractive. Well I think he did! (I checked, I didn't have spinach in my teeth or hat hair or anything...)

I'm feeling pretty good at the moment Smile

I like the idea of your uncle talking to Slow, actually. And having a bit of a chat with him. The issue isn't him being attracted to you, it's about him being on the ball with it all. I really do have my fingers crossed for you and I hope you get a positive outcome.

FolkGirl · 10/05/2014 17:45

He was quite good looking too... Wink

PinkPeanuts · 10/05/2014 18:10

Evening all! I decided to delve briefly back into the OD scene after joing this thread a few apes back and appear to have found someone who seems, dare I say it, normal!
It's very early days, haven't even exchanged numbers yet but contact has been regular and conversation has been lovely so far. So I guess it's a case of watch this space? I'm hoping he'll breach the issue of a date though. I'm in a space where I want to be asked out for a change!

PinkPeanuts · 10/05/2014 18:17

broach not breach!