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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New bf criticising Dcs?

63 replies

Minion100 · 04/05/2014 00:23

I am not sure if I am being OTT here, but I just ended a new relationship because the guy criticised my DCs.

Said they are spoiled (which they are not). I told him to please not criticise my kids because he hardly knows them and he just kept saying it!

Am I being over sensitive? I just don't want him near my DCs if he doesn't like them.

They have been through a really shit time with marriage breakdown and I have not been the best Mum because I still cry every day and am not as fun or happy as I used to be. I do admittedly get them drinks still even though they are big enough to get for themselves but they are polite, kind, sweet and don't demand things or speak out of turn.

If anything they are a bit lazy and I do too much for them "Mum can you get me a drink" but I am just so angry that he dared criticise my DCs when he has barely met them three times.

I;d not even criticise my best friend's kids after knowing her 23 years, ad he walks in here after a few weeks and think he can badmouth my children?

Is it me or would you have done the same giving him the flick? He's now sending me emails and I'm thinking about just blocking him.

So mad!!!

OP posts:
MirandaWest · 04/05/2014 00:28

I agree that him criticising your DC after a few weeks isn't on. But why are you dating again when you're still crying every day? Maybe wait a bit until you are feeling more secure in yourself? And also leave it a bit longer before any new boyfriend meets your DC.

AnandaTimeIn · 04/05/2014 00:28

You did the right thing.

I, m a LP and my kids are nr. 1.

See it as a lucky escape.

NickiFury · 04/05/2014 00:30

Oh I would have dumped him on the spot, the moment he said anything about my dc. Good for you, you've done the right thing.

Littleturkish · 04/05/2014 00:32

Agree with MW give yourself a break from blokes til you're feeling more like you again.

kickassangel · 04/05/2014 00:32

Block him and don't date til you are well past the crying stage. Be fun for your kids and start dating when twats like him make you laugh at his stupidity.

Original poster
Minion100 · 04/05/2014 00:43

I'm never going to be past the crying stage. It's been a year and he's my first attempt :)

OP posts:
sykadelic · 04/05/2014 02:32

If anything they are a bit lazy and I do too much for them "Mum can you get me a drink"

So you DO spoil them. You're probably overcompensating for the split and they're taking advantage of that... but I understand if you're not ready or able to see it. I would ask others though for their honest opinion. My advice would also be to really look at whether you're spoiling your children and if you decide you're not, then forget about it.

I would have dumped him anyway because it's not his place to say it, especially that soon. It depends on how he said it too, whether in a mean way or a genuinely concerned way. It's hard for parents to see what their kids are really like, especially when they're going through a split and trying to ease the transition a bit.

Original poster
Minion100 · 04/05/2014 02:51

I see spoiled kids as ones that cry to get what they want, get bought things willy nilly, interrupt adults, have tantrums, get a second dinner made if they don't fancy eating what's on the table that night. My DCs are nothing like that. They are sweet and don't ask for anything really.

My children are pampered and babied a bit lately (yes, compensating for divorce) but in my view not spoiled.

As you say though, whether they are spoiled or not I don't think it was his place to comment. TBH, I thought about it and I really would not tell anyone I thought their children were spoiled. Probably not even a very close friend. I thought to myself if this is what he is like now what would he be like later on. Aside from that, if he feels that way, he doesn't like my children and then I don't actually want him in my house.

OP posts:
musicalendorphins2 · 04/05/2014 04:25

I'd dump him for that as well. But it is unreasonable for your kids to ask you to fetch for them. (unless they are pre-schoolers or ill).

musicalendorphins2 · 04/05/2014 04:27

I agree on your views of what a spoiled kid is, but you also need to have independent self sufficient kids.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/05/2014 06:07

He was over-stepping the mark by long, long way. In my opinion it's not wise to introduce a new date to the kids until you're well-established as a couple. Some new bloke stepping in and interfering in your relationship with your kids is presumptuous in the extreme. He's not your partner and he's not the kids' step-dad. And now he won't ever be and that's good thing. I think you've had a lucky escape.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/05/2014 06:54

If you're still crying after a year, do consider talking to your GP because you may be suffering from depression. Rebuilding a life after a marriage breakdown is a long process that can't be rushed but the raw pain should have subsided a little. A big part of rebuilding is working on your self-confidence so well done telling this guy where to get off because I think you'll get strength from that. So will your children.

DeMaz · 04/05/2014 07:16

OP you can treat your kids the way you want! It's nobody else's business!
It was definitely not his place to say anything and you have done the right thing!

matildasquared · 04/05/2014 07:36

You're a great mother. Don't let anyone second-guess that.

MistressDeeCee · 04/05/2014 08:31

Even the title of this thread gave me the rage

Well done for getting rid, OP. For making sure he didn't ruin your DCs self-esteem with his belittling and nasty comments and attitude.

I hope you find your way to feeling much better soon Thanks

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 04/05/2014 08:36

Well swerved I think. I agree with others, give blokes a miss for a bit and spend some time rebuilding your relationship with your dc. Time is a healer.

QuietTiger · 04/05/2014 08:38

OP, to put things in context for you and show you are not over reacting...

I have chucked a date out of my house for being rude to my CAT!

He was on an early date (3rd or 4th I think) and sat on my sofa, next to my cat. As I walked in to the kitchen, he thought I couldn't hear him. He grabbed my cat, chucked him off the sofa and said "when I move in, the first thing will be getting rid of you".

He called me unhinged as I threw him out. 15 years later, my cat is still snoozing next to me, my DH adores my cats and I can't even remember fuckwits name.

The way you treat your DC's is your business regardless if they are spoiled or not (and actually you just sound like a caring mum). It is not his place to say anything. Well done for spotting major red flags.

doziedoozie · 04/05/2014 08:39

Mumsnet always trashes anyone who has the slightest negativity to your DCs. I don't understand it, other people's kids are often a pia.

Do we all spend our time with children we aren't related to just because it is such fun, the DCs are so delightful.... no, not at all in the UK. We only 'love' the DCs we are related to and spend time with them, except the odd babysit.

He definitely shouldn't criticize your DCs and def not when you have told him not too but if he is not used to kids give him a break!

PeacesOfAte · 04/05/2014 08:45

Why was he even meeting your children? It's far too early, don't introduce them to every short-term fling until you know they're a keeper.

Lweji · 04/05/2014 08:55

He was actually criticising your parenting, not your children, right?

That's what you didn't like.

I do think it's good to meet prospective partners early on to weed out such incompatibilities. The children don't have to know they are more than friends, or have them around every day.

In this case, he showed lack of sensitivity in relation to your parenting and your children.

I agree that you are spoiling them a bit and you should make them do more things, but calling them spoilt does evoke worse behaviour.

What is he saying on the emails?

mummytime · 04/05/2014 08:57

Please go and see your GP and get some counselling - you really shouldn't be "crying everyday". You are certainly in no state to date yet.

The best thing you have done is put down your own boundaries and get rid of a bf who crossed them. Exactly where those boundaries are is your business. (I once chucked a bf who was rude to my Mum, it was just the last straw, and I have never regretted it.)

gildedcage · 04/05/2014 09:16

Having read some of your earlier posts I can understand why you cry every day. I gave no advice other than to say I have empathy for the pain you feel for your marriage breakdown as I am in the same sort of position re MH and think perhaps you should wait for a while before having a new partner, I just think you've already been through so much x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/05/2014 09:27

"I don't understand it, other people's kids are often a pia."

If someone feels that way about other people's kids fair enough but, if that's the case, they should avoid getting into a relationship with someone who has DCs, surely? Otherwise they'd be pretty stupid as well as unpleasant... Hmm

magoria · 04/05/2014 09:27

Spoiling someone for getting the a drink! My son asks for a drink I get him one. I ask him to make me a cuppa he makes me one.

If you make every drink and they make none maybe so but who can judge that on a snap shot of a few hours dates?

Finola1step · 04/05/2014 09:37

Minion I opened your thread with a slight sense of dread. Not another one, I thought. I have read so many threads with similar titles where the OP knows tat the new fella is a wrong 'un but thinks she should persevere even if he is very cold towards her dc. You, my dear, are not that woman.

You have done the right thing. You've put your dc before this chump of a man. Dump him, block him, ignore him.

Now is the time to concentrate on rebuilding you. Speak to your GP if you can. Now that the weather is good, get out of the house as much as possible, even if it is just for a walk around the block. The sunshine and vitamin D will do you the world of good.

Your dc are not spoilt. They are well loved and well cared for. I wish you all the best.