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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New bf criticising Dcs?

63 replies

Minion100 · 04/05/2014 00:23

I am not sure if I am being OTT here, but I just ended a new relationship because the guy criticised my DCs.

Said they are spoiled (which they are not). I told him to please not criticise my kids because he hardly knows them and he just kept saying it!

Am I being over sensitive? I just don't want him near my DCs if he doesn't like them.

They have been through a really shit time with marriage breakdown and I have not been the best Mum because I still cry every day and am not as fun or happy as I used to be. I do admittedly get them drinks still even though they are big enough to get for themselves but they are polite, kind, sweet and don't demand things or speak out of turn.

If anything they are a bit lazy and I do too much for them "Mum can you get me a drink" but I am just so angry that he dared criticise my DCs when he has barely met them three times.

I;d not even criticise my best friend's kids after knowing her 23 years, ad he walks in here after a few weeks and think he can badmouth my children?

Is it me or would you have done the same giving him the flick? He's now sending me emails and I'm thinking about just blocking him.

So mad!!!

OP posts:

YouAreMyRain · 04/05/2014 09:42

I agree with PP. If you are crying every day, you are not ready to date. Think about seeing your GP because you may be depressed. Be kind to yourself.

EverythingCounts · 04/05/2014 09:50

Even if someone's kids ARE a pain (not saying yours are, OP) it's rude to say so in this situation, very early in a relationship. That suggests an unpleasant level of entitlement, that he can tell you what's what because he's the Man. Not what you want! You did right.

I agree with the suggestion of seeking out counselling as you sound very down.

Whocansay · 04/05/2014 10:14

Crikey, if making your kids a drink is spoiling them, then I am definitely guilty! He'd hate me - I make all their meals too.

He's an arse. Ditch and move on when you're ready.

NewNameForSpring · 04/05/2014 10:38

You sound like you are in a delicate state BUT that is fantastic that got rid of that man. Well done. It was absolutely the right thing to do, for all the reasons you said. You have obviously got some strength left in you. Try to garner it and move on from the crying phase. I wish you all the luck in the world to manage to feel happier.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/05/2014 10:50

I'm guilty too of drinking making, DD is 7 and pretty independent when it comes to that type of thing, but if I'm there, I get her one.

I think you should go to the GP, CBT might help you adjust.

Ijustworemytrenchcoat · 04/05/2014 10:56

Well done for putting your children before your relationship. You are being a good mum to them, if you say they are polite and sweet I see no problem in indulging them by bringing them drinks. I think it is very strange behaviour of him to criticise your children when he has only met them a couple of times. It doesn't bode well does it? Smacks of somebody trying to gain the upper hand to me.

Original poster

Minion100 · 04/05/2014 11:56

Thanks everyone.

He is actually linked to me so met DCs on a "this is a work colleague" sort of a basis and he has literally only spend minutes in my house when they were there.

The kids have been through a really bad time the past year, and admittedly things have slipped for me and I feel protective of them and unwilling to have a stranger come in and criticise us or the way we do things.

My 11 year old son sat chatting with him about how he wanted to give 10% of his birthday money to Shelter. Yet instead of telling me he has a good heart he chooses to tell me he is spoiled because he asked me to bring him some water in bed.

It's not actually that i take it as criticism of my parenting. I explained to (childless) bf that you cant blame kids for that sort of thing because parents are responsible and he refused to accept that and started off as if they had character flaws for which I am blameless.

Ie: I am wonderful but he hates my kids.

Everything about the way and tone he said it made me uncomfortable. I sensed resentment, I sensed that he would make them feel bad about themselves if he was allowed to be part of my life.

My kids and I have lost a lot, been through a lot and all we have is each other. Not going to let anyone else come inside and put a spanner in the works.

Thanks all. I am okay, I am in counselling. It is a long, long road as my divorce has been very complicated and painful.

OP posts:

mummytime · 04/05/2014 12:11

Oh he sounds more and more like an arse, and you have done well to spot him so soon!

frogslegs35 · 04/05/2014 12:17

What a prick!

Regardless of whether your dc are spoilt, lazy or little devils it wasn't his place to say.
You done the right thing, good riddance to him.

Ijustworemytrenchcoat · 04/05/2014 13:47

That sounds awful Minion100 you are right, if he said stuff like this so early on, he would follow it up with much worse. Lucky escape. You sound like a wonderful mum.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/05/2014 13:52

It sounds like he's jealous of the life you had before him, they are a living breathing example of just that.

Either way, he sounds like an arse. You sound lovely.

AlbertsJoy · 04/05/2014 13:56

OP, a year is no time at all to still be very upset at a bad break up. I've been separated for 5 years and still feel shell shocked. It's as if someone stole my lovely family life and replaced it with one I don't recognise! Tried to move on to a new guy but it's not going too well atm. You did the right thing, he had no right to critisize so soon, or at all. They sound like great kids.

Lweji · 04/05/2014 14:06

Definitely well rid.

flippinada · 04/05/2014 14:10

You sound like a lovely mum who is putting the welfare of her kids first in a difficult situation.

You absolutely did the right thing, don't doubt it for a second.

Shockers · 04/05/2014 14:17

You did the right thing! When you're ready, someone will come along who you can make compromises with, but they don't ever have to be about listening to someone rubbish your children.

I speak as someone who's been there.

Original poster

Minion100 · 04/05/2014 14:23

Thanks to all of you again for the support. He emailed me several times to apologise and I am glad the opinions here gave me the confidence to stand my ground. I was very polite and just explained that someone criticising / having a low opinion of my children when they / we most need support and peace in our lives just isn't something I can have around me.

The last thing I want is someone in my house if I feel like they don't like my kids. I also think this is the honeymoon period and it would get much worse later on.

AlbertsJoy I am so sorry it is taking you so long. I still write a letter every day (don't send them) to my stbXH and I think I am perhaps too attached to him still.

I didn't want to be lonely though and being a (now) single mum working from home after relocating a couple of years ago to be quite far from friends and family I often feel like if I don't date I'd never see anyone or do anything at all.

Due to his illness my ex doesn't see the kids at all. It's very lonely sometimes although my friends and family are good with arranging visits. I do feel a lot of the time like I am still stuck in limbo!

OP posts:

pointythings · 04/05/2014 14:31

I think you did the right thing, minion. Shoot me, but I still get my DDs aged 13 and 11 a cup of water to have with them in bed when they ask. At other times they refill their own, do the dishes, help with the cooking, clear the table and so on. Doing nice things for your kids is not equal to spoiling them, your original description of spoiling (i.e. giving in, no boundaries, putting up with bad behaviour) is far more sensible.

I also don't think you're ready for another relationship yet, be kind to yourself and get some support if you feel it would help. From your other posts elsewhere, the loss of your marriage was just that - a loss, not a 'normal' relationship breakdown. So you've been bereaved, it's been just a year and that isn't a long time. You don't need to be brave.

Original poster

Minion100 · 04/05/2014 14:50

Thank you pointy, your post made me cry xxxx

OP posts:

pointythings · 04/05/2014 16:56

Oh Minion, I'm sorry... You're a bit special to me after what you said re my post about me and my DH.

Original poster

Minion100 · 04/05/2014 17:21

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you pointythings. Send me a message anytime if you need support. I genuinely mean that. The months ahead of you won't be easy . Surrendering to the idea of being helpless (at least in a sense) is such a humbling and life changing journey.

OP posts:

IWillIfHeWill · 04/05/2014 17:30

Well done. You did the right thing. The proper, normal, caring-parent thing is to ditch a loser who criticises your babies - no matter how old they are.

Bring them drinks, make them toast, even iron their clothes if you want to.

So well done for showing him the door.

onlyjoking9329 · 04/05/2014 17:32

Well spotted, give yourself some time, when you are ready for dating be confident your can spot a control freak. Your kids do not sound spoilt, he sounds like he wants all your attention.

pointythings · 04/05/2014 17:36

Minion that means a lot, and I will. So many ups and downs... But I have been fighting for 2 years now and am finally getting somewhere, not about to give up now!

The big problem is his job - he has been overworked, underpaid, taken for granted for years and it has now come to a head. Right now it can go one of 2 ways, because he has them over a barrel - they give him enough staff and the computer software he should have had to do the job properly, or he walks. He can afford to do it and they know it. They are already recruiting and the first software module goes in early June, so there is hope. If we can just take the insane stress out of the job, the rest of it will come.

It's taken me 2 years to get him to seek help for his depression and he has now done that - he is 100% better than he was 6 months ago. Now for the job and the alcohol, I am determined to keep fighting because I love him.

mammadiggingdeep · 04/05/2014 17:56

Even if they were the mist spilt kids ever to have walked the earth...he had no right to tell you about them!!

If you're not fully over the split from your ex (still crying daily) why do t you have a bit more time to focus on yourself and dc's?

mammadiggingdeep · 04/05/2014 18:01

Oh...and they don't sound spoilt to me. I'm 36 and mum enjoys pottering about making me drinks and snacks etc. I have to physically seat her in a chair sometimes to be able to make HER a cuppa! It's normal to want to look after people you love. I totally understand. My dc's are 3 and 1 but I'll defo still be doing things for them in the future as and when I can.

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