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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not sure what to do

33 replies

bdbfan · 30/04/2014 19:44

Found out today that dh has spent a huge amount of money (we're talking 4 figures, possibly 5) without discussing it with me. think he's taken out a loan/finance agreement.

am torn between being furious with him and being so upset that he thought it was ok to spend so much money without my input. I mean, he can't think much of me if my opinion matters so little.

so not to drip feed, I knew he wanted to buy this item, but I was against it, too many expenses at the moment to afford it) but he's just gone out and done it.

Don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Theoldhag · 30/04/2014 19:52

I'm sorry that your dh has a complete lack of respect for you.

Does he often do such serious things without discussing it with you first? Surely partnerships should be based on mutual agreement?

I would be not be happy with this at all.

What are you going to do?

Fizzybangfanny · 30/04/2014 19:53

My dp has done this in the past.

Caused many arguments, just so fucking irresponsible.

My sympathies

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 19:55

what has he spent it on ?

Original poster
bdbfan · 30/04/2014 20:03

A car.

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 30/04/2014 20:04

I am guessing a car? My EX DH did this and I was LIVID.

I had two small DC at the time and was working PT. I made XH get a second job to cover the repayments for three years, working three evenings a week after a long day at his "day job.". He never made that mistake again.

hamptoncourt · 30/04/2014 20:07

Sorry, X post.

Tell him to take on extra work to cover the payments or you will call the finance company and get it towed! Not sure if they would but hopefully he will get the point.

My XH just wanted the shiny new thing, we already had two perfectly adequate cars. Sorry, I am over involved here as it is raking up The Fury!!

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 20:09

Oh dear. Did you need a car ?

KayVerinder · 30/04/2014 20:12

My DP did this when DD was six months old. Kicker was I had gone back to work early as we needed the money from my wage.

I have never and will never forgive him for it and nearly 5 years later I still feel I can't trust him with money.

I have complete sympathy for you OP. Don't do what I did and shout and scream, it only made my DP feel that he was justified in treating himself because I made his life so terrible he deserved it...

Original poster
bdbfan · 30/04/2014 20:14

He can't take on extra work, he works shifts. And no, we had 2 perfectly adequate cars, but he just wanted a flashier one penis extension He sent a pic and said he'd be home when I've calmed down.

We can probably just about afford it, but my job is on the line and I'll find out in a couple of weeks what's gonna happen with it. If I lose my job, well then we're fucked.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/04/2014 20:16

This is the sort of thing my father used to do to my mother, so I can't really be that detached and non-judgemental.

I'd be absolutely effing livid. How dare he make such a huge decision without discussing it with you first? Of course, he didn't because you would have tried to spoil his fun. I wonder how much he's going to like sleeping in his precious bloody car?

Original poster
bdbfan · 30/04/2014 20:17

But am I being controlling? I know if I wanted to upgrade my car, he wouldn't mind. But then I'm quite happy with a car that gets me from A to B.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 20:20

If you lose your ob, then he sells the penis extension, obvs

What car is it ? < nosy >

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/04/2014 20:20

If I lose my job, well then we're fucked"

Does this sound like someone controlling, or someone with their feet on the ground just about to have it swiped out from underneath them?

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 20:21

Job*

Vivacia · 30/04/2014 20:24

He sent a pic and said he'd be home when I've calmed down

That's so disrespectful. I'd want to send him a photo of a bin bag on the doorstep and text him not to bother.

Fizzybangfanny · 30/04/2014 20:25

bdb I had to double check your post as I thought so e one was posting as me!

That what my dp has done. He is now driving to work in a fucking Merc while I penny pinch. I knew he was getting a loan, I assumed it was for a smaller amount as we had a deposit but he found a 'better' car Angry

I don't think your being controlling , he is being irresponsible .

Theoldhag · 30/04/2014 21:32

Add message | Report | Message poster bdbfan Wed 30-Apr-14 20:17:44
But am I being controlling? I know if I wanted to upgrade my car, he wouldn't mind. But then I'm quite happy with a car that gets me from A to B.

No I do not think that you are being controlling at all.

Bloody hell we are in one of the worst recessions globally, looks like interest rates will go sky high over next few years, mini housing bubble is about to go bang, our infulstructure is teetering on the edge (all public sectors have tightened purse stings) and he is plunging you in more financial strife without your concent, he is not behaving with thought at all.

I am livid on your behalf!

Theoldhag · 30/04/2014 21:33

Sad oh no fuzzy not you too! What is it with some people? Poor you Thanks

Whocansay · 01/05/2014 08:25

I'm not sure why you didn't just tell him to return it. Surely there is a 'time to change your mind' period on the car and the loan?

He's presented you with what he thinks is a fait accompli. Present him with one. Tell him not to come back until he's got rid.

And separate your finances, as you clearly can't trust him to behave like a responsible adult. He is a selfish twat who is putting his own wants (not even needs!) before that of his family.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2014 08:29

It's gross lack of respect as is the phrase 'when you've calmed down'. Very patronising. I seriously wouldn't let the man back across the threshold. If he likes the car so much, tell him he'll be living in it.

vertec · 01/05/2014 09:21

Tell him to take it back and until he does he must find somewhere else to live. Honestly I want to kill him for you! That is possibly 10k he has just thrown away on vanity. It's as ridiculous as you getting a 10k haircut. Cars depreciate so quickly. It's madness.

And as for the disrespect for your opinions and the "calm down" message.... Pfff this guy is a real piece. Urgh.

CinnabarRed · 03/05/2014 05:48

So has the come home yet?

RedFocus · 03/05/2014 07:12

This is likely to be something I would do and not my dh and he's the one bringing in the money. My dh prefers an old banger anyway. I love brand new flashy, fast cars! Would obviously discuss first though.

RedRoom · 03/05/2014 18:02

I'd also go spare. Spending that kind of money needs discussing first, unless you are in a very, very secure financial position.

MrsDiesel · 03/05/2014 18:28

If you had plenty of money tucked away and no money worries that would still be disrespectful but given that you can 'just' afford it and your job is on the line he has behaved very badly.

I would text back, hope its comfy because your going to be sleeping in it.

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