not sure what to do

[bdbfan]

Found out today that dh has spent a huge amount of money (we're talking 4 figures, possibly 5) without discussing it with me. think he's taken out a loan/finance agreement.

am torn between being furious with him and being so upset that he thought it was ok to spend so much money without my input. I mean, he can't think much of me if my opinion matters so little.

so not to drip feed, I knew he wanted to buy this item, but I was against it, too many expenses at the moment to afford it) but he's just gone out and done it.

Don't know what to do.

[tipsytrifle]

*doh .. hadn't thought of it being a private purchase. So ideally it should be put up for sale asap ... it's hardly like you're ever going to be happy to get in the darn thing. But then, the car itself is the visual product of an issue that really is deeply serious.

[bdbfan]

and oldgrandmama. ..wow. that sinks to a new low. so sorry you had to go through that

[bdbfan]

Thanks for all your comments.

He bought it from a private seller so no chance of returning it.

am really hurt and upset that he thought it was ok to do this. and with the pathetic attempt at making it up to me by bringing me lunch at work and a box of chocs.

I think he's shocked by how pissed off I actually am. We're kind of speaking, but I just can't quite bring myself to 'get over it' and move on.

Have been out with friends tonight so was nice to get away from the awful atmosphere in our house for a few hours. ..

[tipsytrifle]

oldgrandmama - oh goddess, i'm awed and stunned by your story!

If you had plenty of money, bdbfan, i'd suggest you bought yourself somewhere else to live as and when you felt like it ... but i suppose that's not a viable option *sigh

I think you need to shock him somehow but I don't know how that might be done, I dunno, like hiring something bigger and better for a day or two? Sorry ... maybe that's immature and too costly in any case.

He's been an infuriating idiot ... I think any agreement has a month to be rejected?

[oldgrandmama]

Must add postscript to my post above ^
I accidentally found out about the little love nest and there was a bit of a scene in a local restaurant, involving a full glass of wine, followed by a carafe of water, then the contents of a sugar bowl, thrown with some vehemence (oldgrandmama was the thrower, the recipient was her 'D'H). The waiters and other diners were well impressed. Oldgrandmam then stormed out, leaving wet and well-sugared 'D'H sitting at the table. Alas , in oldgrandmama's handbag were 'D'H's wallet and car keys, as he didn't like spoiling the line of his beautiful suits with unsightly bulges ... so, bit of awkwardness over paying the bill, and getting home ...

Oldgrandmama insisted he sell the love nest, having first making him take her to visit it - where she found LOADS of her own stuff that the git had taken to make the place 'homely' - CDs, VHS tapes, books, bed linen, even antiques that oldgrandmama inherited from her family.

Most ironic thing of all - the OW for whom he bought the place for their trysts dumped him as soon as she learned of his purchase, since she reckoned he was getting 'too serious' and anyway, her own DH was far richer than mine so best not rock the boat! And best of all, my 'D'H actually had TWO OW on the go - the other one being my ex best friend. He's been married to her (ex best friend) miserably for twenty years now but to this day, she doesn't know that he was 'double shagging' with the other woman.

In my wilder moments, I consider detonating the bombshell and telling the nasty bitch, but hell, I'm a nice person, I've never looked back since divorcing the faithless shit and was married (briefly, he died three years into our marriage) to the most loving, caring man in the world, but thanks to him, was able to have a wonderfully happy life afterwards, though not a day goes by that I don't think of him and wish we were still together.

God, I've really gone to town here ... sorry, OP.

[Itsfab]

"He sent a pic and said he'd be home when I've calmed down."

Patronising twat. That would piss me off as much as the spending the money.

[MarmiteMania]

Oldgrandmama I really thought I'd heard it all till your story!!

Op it's almost as if your dh was weighing the lure of the car with your wrath.. A little like an affair. I know exactly how you feel, my dh often makes huge expenditures including 'lending' extended family members vast sums. It makes me feel as if my opinion is worthless. I think your dh needs to start working on his respect for you and your relationship.

[oldgrandmama]

Not quite the same situation as yours, OP, but might give you a wry laugh ... I found out my (now LONG ex) 'D'H had spent an almost six figure sum on a little lovenest in which to meet his latest OW. What's more, he'd forged my name on the mortgage documents

So I was liable for the debt too ... yes, that was one of the final straws, divorced the horrible shit, after twenty ghastly years. And never looked back.

But back to your four wheeled problem - he is WAY out of order, spending so much on a boy's toy without discussing it with you. Read him the riot act - could he take it back, without losing too much ?

[MrsDiesel]

If you had plenty of money tucked away and no money worries that would still be disrespectful but given that you can 'just' afford it and your job is on the line he has behaved very badly.

I would text back, hope its comfy because your going to be sleeping in it.

[RedRoom]

I'd also go spare. Spending that kind of money needs discussing first, unless you are in a very, very secure financial position.

[RedFocus]

This is likely to be something I would do and not my dh and he's the one bringing in the money. My dh prefers an old banger anyway. I love brand new flashy, fast cars! Would obviously discuss first though.

[CinnabarRed]

So has the come home yet?

[vertec]

Tell him to take it back and until he does he must find somewhere else to live. Honestly I want to kill him for you! That is possibly 10k he has just thrown away on vanity. It's as ridiculous as you getting a 10k haircut. Cars depreciate so quickly. It's madness.

And as for the disrespect for your opinions and the "calm down" message.... Pfff this guy is a real piece. Urgh.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's gross lack of respect as is the phrase 'when you've calmed down'. Very patronising. I seriously wouldn't let the man back across the threshold. If he likes the car so much, tell him he'll be living in it.

[Whocansay]

I'm not sure why you didn't just tell him to return it. Surely there is a 'time to change your mind' period on the car and the loan?

He's presented you with what he thinks is a fait accompli. Present him with one. Tell him not to come back until he's got rid.

And separate your finances, as you clearly can't trust him to behave like a responsible adult. He is a selfish twat who is putting his own wants (not even needs!) before that of his family.

[Theoldhag]

oh no fuzzy not you too! What is it with some people? Poor you

[Theoldhag]

Add message | Report | Message poster bdbfan Wed 30-Apr-14 20:17:44
But am I being controlling? I know if I wanted to upgrade my car, he wouldn't mind. But then I'm quite happy with a car that gets me from A to B.

No I do not think that you are being controlling at all.

Bloody hell we are in one of the worst recessions globally, looks like interest rates will go sky high over next few years, mini housing bubble is about to go bang, our infulstructure is teetering on the edge (all public sectors have tightened purse stings) and he is plunging you in more financial strife without your concent, he is not behaving with thought at all.

I am livid on your behalf!

[Fizzybangfanny]

bdb I had to double check your post as I thought so e one was posting as me!

That what my dp has done. He is now driving to work in a fucking Merc while I penny pinch. I knew he was getting a loan, I assumed it was for a smaller amount as we had a deposit but he found a 'better' car

I don't think your being controlling , he is being irresponsible .

[Vivacia]

He sent a pic and said he'd be home when I've calmed down

That's so disrespectful. I'd want to send him a photo of a bin bag on the doorstep and text him not to bother.

[AnyFucker]

Job*

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

If I lose my job, well then we're fucked"

Does this sound like someone controlling, or someone with their feet on the ground just about to have it swiped out from underneath them?

[AnyFucker]

If you lose your ob, then he sells the penis extension, obvs

What car is it ? < nosy >

[bdbfan]

But am I being controlling? I know if I wanted to upgrade my car, he wouldn't mind. But then I'm quite happy with a car that gets me from A to B.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

This is the sort of thing my father used to do to my mother, so I can't really be that detached and non-judgemental.

I'd be absolutely effing livid. How dare he make such a huge decision without discussing it with you first? Of course, he didn't because you would have tried to spoil his fun. I wonder how much he's going to like sleeping in his precious bloody car?

[bdbfan]

He can't take on extra work, he works shifts. And no, we had 2 perfectly adequate cars, but he just wanted a flashier one penis extension He sent a pic and said he'd be home when I've calmed down.

We can probably just about afford it, but my job is on the line and I'll find out in a couple of weeks what's gonna happen with it. If I lose my job, well then we're fucked.