Thinking of going back. What do you think?

[neiljames77]

I separated from my wife a few months ago after ages of not speaking to each other and sleeping apart. We both agreed that we're better off apart, so I moved into my Mums until I could sort out a flat for myself. She made one or two indiscretions in our marriage but I stayed for the kids sake. We are completely different people and have virtually nothing in common.
Now though, she's upset and says she took me for granted and wants me back. Can somebody just change their personality or do you think it would be a waste of time?

Please don't take this the wrong way but she could just be getting cold feet about being on her own.
Fundamentally I don't think people can change who they are. it may be ok for a few weeks or months but old issues could resurface if not talked through properly.
Are you still in love with her? Sorry if that sounds intrusive.

I don't think I feel the way I should towards her. It would be much easier not having to pay for a mortgage and rent though. In the past though, whenever she started crying, I gave in and convinced myself that I was making a big deal out of things and stayed.

I think if you don't feel the way you should towards her and you go back resentment would build over time.
I remember my parents rowing when I was 8 over an affair my dad had. Kids know when something isn't right. How old are the DC?

No. I don't think you should go back. It sounds like you've wanted to split for a long time (consciously or unconsciously) but have been deterred by guilt.

Can you really see this marriage being anything other than unhappy for you? she's been the one with 'indiscretions'. You've stayed 'for the kid's sake' and because she cries.

Have you come to an agreement about how you split your time with the kids?

I would also mention that 50/50 splits in child residency are far more common now than they once were, the most important aspect being 'what is best for the children'. Please don't feel you (or your kids) should settle for EOW or suchlike because she cries about that too.

They're 17 and 18. Even they think we're better apart. I waited until they were this age because I didn't want their exams to be disrupted by me leaving.

Well at that age and having lived with you both for so many years they are in a good position to know!

I see as much of them now as I did at home.

That's good. :)

My previous post is a bit redundant with them being late teens.

Oh I thought they must be about 10 years younger. It sounds like you were trying to put them first.
But they are nearly grown and if you don't feel the same anymore then I think you could end up feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. DH and I haven't been physical for 18 years. It was his choice. Its corrosive and soul destroying. Please don't go back unless you are REALLY sure.

Its great that you still see them as much

Good god no! Why relive the whole thing?

People don't fundamentally change.

Indiscretions? So she has form for betrayal/lies/fooling you?

You said it yourself, you're poles apart, even your kids think you're better off apart!

Onwards! Not backwards!

If you both get on well at the moment i think that a persons personality can adapt in different situations and if your both committed to giving the relationship another go then you should. If you do get back together and the relationship fails then at least you gave it a try.

When I say indiscretions, it wasn't sex. It's a bit of a grey area really. Some people see kissing someone else as just a kiss but I think it's a very personal thing. That's where I thought I was making too big a deal out of it.

Oh I see. Kissing iS seen as very intimate though. Ive heard it said that escorts don't kiss their clients often as its seen as something intimate they do only for a lover.

what sort of kissing?

Either way it doesn't matter now. Not one thing in your posts suggest getting back together is a good thing but plenty in your posts suggest getting back together is a fucking terrible idea.

neil, you've said you are different people now with nothing in common. Apart from 'adult' off-spring. Whether she can 'change' is entirely a moot point now.

Neil - no, I don't think you should get back together. You don't love her 'in the way you should' & your kids - who are probably fairly aware of your issues and have nothing to gain by you being apart - don't think you should be together. She's feeling scared and lonely and realising how much you supported her/did for her/kept her company and is getting cold feet about the split & you are thinking it would be financially easier and maybe it wouldn't be tooooooooo bad - but that's not a good reason to get back together.

You are both young enough to 'start again' and actually both be happy. Don't do it - you both deserve much more.

Open mouthed and in front of me and the dc's but apparently, it was my fault for 'letting' her get drunk.
After blaming me though, she begged forgiveness and I stayed.
I've had numerous opportunities to stray myself but never did. I think she lost respect for me for being loyal.

Good grief, Neil, you sound quite worn down :( If you're feeling like this separated - with your children's support - I dread to think how you'd be if you went back. It sounds as though you're on the verge of succumbing to emotional & financial blackmail; it's hardly a joyous reunion through fields of daisies, is it?

Are you paying the mortgage for the kids' sake? Are they likely to be moving away this year & next? I'd discuss it with them, tbh. There may be other options like selling the house and having them to live with you, or one with each parent.

If not for the money worries, would you be considering a reconciliation?

apparently, it was my fault

This is outrageous. It's what all unrepentant cheats and abusers do.

get yourself out there, and if my superb memory serves me, try to pick on those cues you (and I) are soo good at missing!

How do you "let someone" get drunk.

'Indiscretions' means kisses? That's a deal breaker for you, fair enough. If you can't get past that (and why should you?) it is simple.

Your children are grown up. Obviously, there is no reason they wouldn't see you.

You'll only hurt yourself more by staying.

I will say, for your kids' sake, stop referring to something you see as a significant issue as an 'indiscretion'. It's unnecessary and worrying.

Also I meant to say you do not need a 'reason' beyond no longer wanting to be in the marriage to leave it.

You sound like you are downplaying major issues here. She does not seem to have treated you at all well over the years. It's no wonder you sound worn down.

Cross post.

Forgive me, I am a huge cynic and a horrible person - but I think you must've known deep down, when you started seeing 'opportunities to stray' that it was over? No normal person sees that in their relationship. You just need to admit it to yourself and get on with things.