Thinking of going back. What do you think?

[neiljames77]

I separated from my wife a few months ago after ages of not speaking to each other and sleeping apart. We both agreed that we're better off apart, so I moved into my Mums until I could sort out a flat for myself. She made one or two indiscretions in our marriage but I stayed for the kids sake. We are completely different people and have virtually nothing in common.
Now though, she's upset and says she took me for granted and wants me back. Can somebody just change their personality or do you think it would be a waste of time?

Thank you for the nice words and sentiments.

I'm not sure which threads I've contributed to because sometimes, I post on here when I've had a drink. (which is why I'm not looking at the bad advice thread in case someone is bollocking me)

You always offer a sensible and rational male perspective on things, neil, and I'e always found you capable of great empathy. Clearly does good things for you if you can post like that when you've had a few. Either that or you're just a fundamentally decent person.

Thank You, pointythings (that's me blushing btw, not being embarrassed)

Right, this halo is starting to make my head itch. I rarely (if ever) used to put the toilet seat down. I used to leave whiskers in the bath. I would often conveniently "forget" to put the bins out. I would deliberately make a half-arsed job of doing any household chores and I would get stroppy if I was roped into doing any shopping.(especially if it was clothes shopping)

I'm not faultless or blameless.

What would you say to someone else if they had posted your OP?

Be objective

I know, morley19.
I think I'd best add hypocrisy and double standards to my list of faults!!!!

awww its not like that. when you're -in- the situation its way harder to see than when you're outside, looking at someone else's situation!

Oh no I didn't mean it like that at all! Don't be hard on myself.

You're not a hypocrite. I'm in a position myself where everyone else can see my position for what it is but because it's my heart involved it is so much harder. What I have been trying to do is make myself look at it objectively. Just thought this may help you too

good luck with whatever you decide xx

I think I remember your original thread. And if I remember correctly she wasn't even discreet about it.

My guess is that she doesn't like the prospect of being alone and losing her extra source of income.

So, I'd say don't go back.

She may well take you for granted again. And it will possibly be your fault again too.

Sounds like you've reassessed your decision to go back there already so there's not much point in my giving any opinion. All well and good.

I would advise you to think about why you felt the need to entertain the idea though, however briefly.

You are quick to point out what you did wrong in the relationship. And although it seems trivial your list of transgressions certainly can kill love and respect in a relationship as there is nothing like leaving household chores to your partner to make them feel as though you disrespect them and view them as nothing more than a glorified domestic appliance. I'd say you've learned from that but still feel guilty about it.

Is your desire to keep paying the mortgage on the house and give your STBXW the equity a reflection of that guilt? It's a high price to pay to assuage that guilt, and as long as you feel the guilt and are trying to make up for it, you're not really going to be 'over' the relationship. Until you're 'over' it, you can't really build a new relationship in which you are your STBXW are truly amicable co-parents and nothing more. Neither you nor her are really free.

We all mess up from time to time. I only have a good relationship now because I screwed up the one before it so spectacularly. But guilt is pointless unless you use it productively- earning from it, applying those lessons and ultimately letting go.

I've read that back and it sounds quite patronising but I CBA to work on rephrasing it, so please just accept my apologies for being patronising.

How will your life be when you get back together and the dc go off to Uni? They probably won't come home, to live, so you need to think.

If you're not compatible and you don't love her/ want to sleep with her then by Christmas you'll be wishing you'd stayed away.

Financially, you need to split - when the youngest is 18 arrange for the house to be sold and split finances properly. Future money can be spent on your dc and nice hols together, or helping them set up. Why would you want to pay for your ex wife? ESP if she meets someone else? Or you do.

If you do decide to get back together, then how will your life be? New interests and hobbies together? Or same old shit just no dc about?

I haven't seen your previous thread. She sounds lonely to me and dreading the future and that's not a good enough reason to get back together is it?

Bottom line:

You were not happy in the marriage.

If you go back you will almost certainly continue to be unhappy.

If you start a new life for yourself you have the chance to build a much happier one.

Obviously if she started a new relationship and they intended to live together, then I'd lessen or withdraw financial support. Until that time though, the house won't be sold and I'll continue paying for it. I'm pretty adamant on that. It's not guilt either, it's just the fair and right thing to do as far as I'm concerned.

You sound very fair and decent.

You don't have to make any decisions. You haven't been presented with a choice.

So maybe you could carry on with making a life for yourself. See where you are when/ if you have a decision to make.

Nah. Had "the talk" before in the pub. There's really nothing left. Felt nothing. If she's really honest, she felt nothing either.

Time to start building your new life then.

Good luck!

Wow, Neil, that's quite a realisation! How did you feel? Relieved??

Hope you are ok Neil . Good luck to you

Wow, you ok? It's good to make a decision.

I'm fine thanks. I think after spending a bit of time apart, I was just thinking about when things were ok.(it wasn't ALL bad)
I realised though that nothing's changed.
I might give OD a go because at the moment, I seem to be only attracting loud, shouty, sweary women.

Oh dear! Go on the dating thread. I've just started OD and it's a bit random and 'interesting' !

A decision made then.. Hope it works out for you.

How can you tell on OD if someone isn't loud and shouty? ( interested)

Where are you frequenting to meet such woman as you describe? Can you go somewhere else? Library?:)

See I don't understand why you would go back without seeing if you both could start afresh. You wouldn't meet somebody you liked, move in straight away and then develop a relationship would you? Not the same as each other I know aside from neither make sense.

Live apart and get to know each other again.. don't move in and go back to the same old patterns.

Then if you can reignite a spark and let it come together naturally see how it goes from there.

It may not work but at least you'll see it without all the turmoil of moving out again.

Sorry missed the last page. Good luck OP.

The pub. It was karaoke night. Lots of drunk women.

I suppose you can't tell on OD but at least they won't start the conversation with, "Oi you".

Erm, sadly OD might just surprise you, "Oi you" is pretty much what some men on OD think is an acceptable chat up line.

Or a Penis pic.

:(