Thinking of going back. What do you think?

[neiljames77]

I separated from my wife a few months ago after ages of not speaking to each other and sleeping apart. We both agreed that we're better off apart, so I moved into my Mums until I could sort out a flat for myself. She made one or two indiscretions in our marriage but I stayed for the kids sake. We are completely different people and have virtually nothing in common.
Now though, she's upset and says she took me for granted and wants me back. Can somebody just change their personality or do you think it would be a waste of time?

She lost respect because she cheated, not t'other way round! When people break a contract, they generally try to make themselves feel better by [A] saying it was their partner's fault, and [B] convincing themselves, and anyone who'll listen, the original deal had already gone bad.

By persuading herself there was no respect / love / lust / fun (delete as appropriate) left in the relationship, she gave herself an excuse to have another relationship as well. She also excused herself for not bothering enough with you & your relationship. It's boringly predictable because it's basic human psychology.

you do not need a 'reason' beyond no longer wanting to be in the marriage to leave it. - Well said, Billy, and very true.

Garlic you could probably say that I broke a contract if you like. My H hadn't touched me for 7 years when I had an affair.
I didn't need to convince myself there was no desire in the relationship because he did that for me.

I KNOW what I did was wrong and I accept that yes. But he broke his side of the vows too.

I'm probably making myself sound like some sort of sap who gets walked all over but nothing could be further from the truth.
When I said opportunities to stray, I meant if I was out with my mates, I'd always say, "sorry,I'm married ", whenever a woman showed any interest in me.

she made one or two indiscretions in
our marriage but I stayed for the kids sake

so you punished her?

You made her life miserable?

You are stalking her on a women's forum now.

Just get out of each other's hair.

Grow up and sort contact/access.

Leave each other alone and stop torturing her with your saintliness.

Nice first post btw. Very relaxed.

She is obviously on MN too.

I feel more sorry for her than you. You sound cold and angry.

Hes posted here before Seen him on other threads.

Am I right in thinking you joined mumsnet after you'd split up?

You come across as a pleasant and engaging fella (and I will confess I'm not generally well-disposed to blokes being on here, given that so many whiners seem to join to slag off their wives). It seems to me that you would have no problem finding someone who would make you much happier.

Your kids are old enough to have an independent relationship with you. It's to your credit you feel compassion for your ex, but if it's over, it's over.

No. I'm not sure what LRD meant by that. Very odd comment.

Look tot up the reasons to go back and not go back.

She wants you to go back - one person wanting this is not a reason. It needs two people to want to go back.

It would save on paying both rent and mortgage. Why are you paying both? Seriously, why?

Against:

She's a cheat who tried to blame you for her cheating

You had been sleeping apart for ages.

You gave not wanted to be there for a long time but she emotionally manipulated you into staying.

The kids are grown up

You had not been talking for ages

Your kids prefer you apart

What else?

UnlikelyAmazonian - I don't know where to start with your post. You're wrong on just about everything.

I'm not angry at all. I'm just trying to weigh everything up and work things out.

Darkest, yours is an unusual situation and you know I support you. I was speaking in the more general run of things - if Neil (who is a regular poster) had a similar backstory I think he'd have mentioned it.

Neil, you need to think about your reasons for wanting to go back. Is it because you love and miss her or is it because it's what you're used to and it's easier? I'd say if it's anything other than the first then it's never going to work.

My parents announced their divorce recently, after 35 years of marriage. I have never known them to be happy together ever, I was relieved when they finally announced their split as I'd watched them make watch other more and more unhappy throughout my entire life. To be honest they have given me a real skewered view of how relationships should be.

No. There was no sex bans from either of us. There's obviously times when one wants it more than the other but I imagine that applies to most marriages.

I'm not up at this time fretting about everything btw. I'm working.(well, supposed to be). :)

Sorry Garlic I didn't recognise yr user name for a min till I already posted. Apologies

stolemyusername - I am just contemplating everything tbh. I'll decide for definite by the weekend. I suppose it's down to how many sacrifices both of us would need to make for it to be worth trying again. The general consensus though seems to be that it's a bad idea.

stolemyuser same here My parents are still together but after some of the stuff I saw and heard as a child and again 3 years ago they really shouldn't be.

I'm struggling to understand what thread UnilkelyAmazonian is reading. I'll say it again: I am not a fan of whiney male first-time posters, but I wouldn't put you in that category, having seen you around for a while.

Do you actually want to get back together, or just feel it would be easier? I doubt you'll be financially obligated to a harsh degree if you divorce, if your kids are practically adults. In most cases, a settlement would involve selling the family home once the children reach 18. Have you seen a solicitor?

I want her to keep the house. They all love it there and it wouldn't be fair to make them move. Also, I earn about 3 times more than my wife. I can carry on paying everything and still get my own place if I have to. I'm not just taking money for the sake of it.

I think people can and do change. But it requires a lot of soul searching. How do you feel when you're around her? Do you feel love for her? If you feel good when with her and love her then maybe it's worth trying again.

But not if its under some obligation or fear. I've been in a similar situation. I fought hard for my marriage, but in the end I found it soul destroying. For us there was just too much painful stuff. Relate were horrific!

In hindsight I wouldn't have gone back. Remain strong, you can still care about her without being with her, look after yourself.

It will be or would be a case of virtually starting afresh. We originally got together on looks alone. She's always been pretty. I was a bit slimmer back then and she said I had the nicest legs and backside she'd ever seen. I suppose it's not something you can build a relationship on though.
It wasn't all bad. Just the last few years or so really.

Date? Hang out together? Have you forgiven her? What's making you want to go back and try again?

I'm not sure tbh. Last night I'd decided to give it a go but I've had some sense drummed into me now.
Wasn't thinking straight.

Hmmm, doesn't sound like you're into her to me. She doesn't sound remorseful. Maybe she feels safe to you? It's a dating jungle out there! Leave it all in the past. Move on.

Do you love her?

Will it make you happy to be with her for the rest of your life?

Unless it's a big fat yes to both do not go back. The hardest bit is done. You need an excuse or reason, if you could be happy living a different life do it .

We make life plans though don't we?
Then different things or events happen that throw everything off course.
She hasn't actually spoken to me about this. She spoke to my Mum when I was at work.
I still love her and don't want her to be upset. I wouldn't want her to struggle in any way either, which is why I'd keep paying the mortgage or at least most of it. Even if the house got sold, I told her she could have all the equity. About 40k.

I think you need to split properly - which mean do your best to disentangle financially as much as possible. Get some legal/financial advice on how to do so.

Kissing is a big deal, and in front of you shows disrespect. Maybe your Ex has issues she needs to work through to build her own self-respect. But that doesn't mean you should be together or you could help her. Too much has happened for that.

Some posters seem to be projecting their own feelings, or as if you were their own ex "twisting things".

I don't think it would be good for either of you to get back together, and the result would only be more heartache. But start to move on with your life, and get your finances worked out.