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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking of going back. What do you think?

114 replies

neiljames77 · 30/04/2014 00:00

I separated from my wife a few months ago after ages of not speaking to each other and sleeping apart. We both agreed that we're better off apart, so I moved into my Mums until I could sort out a flat for myself. She made one or two indiscretions in our marriage but I stayed for the kids sake. We are completely different people and have virtually nothing in common.
Now though, she's upset and says she took me for granted and wants me back. Can somebody just change their personality or do you think it would be a waste of time?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 06:47

Nope, bad idea mate

Meerka · 30/04/2014 06:55

I'm usually in favour of giving someone one chance but this really sounds like flogging a dead horse. You´ve been unhappy for years. If even your children think you are better apart - you're better apart. Kids aren't renowned for wanting their parents apart, in the general way of things.

It sounds like you are genuinely happy to keep her in the house that she loves and that the separated relationship is reasonable. It has to be hard to have separated after so long, specially if part of you still loves her, but I'd agree with other posters, give yoruself time and then move onwards and upwards.

If you are really not sure about gonig back, then wait until she actually approaches you herself rather than comments made via mother. If she really does want to try again and if YOU want to try again (it has to work for you both) then she needs to be honest and talk to you herself.

Frogisatwat · 30/04/2014 06:57

Mr Neil James. Read your original post and pretend someone else wrote it. What would you advise them?
I have seen you give very balanced views and advice over the last few months.
Its a no from me Neil. .

JeanSeberg · 30/04/2014 07:47

Get some legal advice and don't let guilt cloud your view.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2014 09:48

What I would suggest is that you take your time to consider this change of heart. There's nothing to be gained from leaping back in with both feet at this stage. Nothing to be gained from appearing to jump when she whistles. Everything to be said for hanging back, giving it a few more months, and allowing yourself to see if things have really changed for the better.

struggling100 · 30/04/2014 09:55

A whole world of NO. You have said that you have nothing in common with this woman. How could you be happy with her in the long run?

You can love someone and still admit that it's unlikely to work with them.

I understand your wanting to provide for her financially - I think, however, that there is a risk this is inflected with guilt because you are being made to feel that in leaving you are the 'bad' person. Please try to remember that in 5 years you could have a new wife and a loving family elsewhere to provide for as well. You need to be just, and of course you need to contribute generously to child support and be a hands-on dad, BUT you do also need to give yourself room to have a future.

Fontella · 30/04/2014 09:57

Excellent advice there from Cogito. Can't really add anything to that.

Original poster
neiljames77 · 30/04/2014 14:51

Sincere thanks to everyone. As usual, I've been given good advice here.
I appreciate it. (apart from when I got flamed!!!!!) Smile

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 15:02

Many of us have had a drubbing on here, neil. You live and learn (unless you are a twat who can never be wrong about anything)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2014 15:05

Drubbed? Ha! I've had to get a flame-retardant suit and have a sand-bucket on stand-by....

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 15:08

Hey, cog, but have you ever had a blog set up purely to bitch about what a terrible person you are ? Grin

Original poster
neiljames77 · 30/04/2014 15:11

HEY!!!! I'm NEVER in the wrong!! And as for being a twat, all I can say...........................oh......................I see................erm........Grin

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2014 15:14

A blog? Fuck... Hmm

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 15:19

So I was informed in a delightful pm once Smile It was a while ago though, so it has either swelled to rival the size of FB by now or withered away from disinterest (or the bloggers got a life, perhaps...)

Meerka · 30/04/2014 17:12

oh my, your own anti-AF blog AF? hey, that's kind of impressive you know :D (and amazing that someone went that far!) Did you take a look at it?

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 19:12

No. Strangely my pm'ing "friend" never gave me the link for it. Sad

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 19:17

^What a horrible post you sent to the girl who had caught her husband on a porn site! You are so black and white - and that is fine in your relationship, but don't project that on others.

Horrible
Horrible

We all have different boundaries in our relationships and you need to respect that.

All of my friends who go on MN regulary discuss you and your AnyFucker views. I don't think for one moment that you are as nasty in RL as you are on here - but for goodness sake realise you are blogged about and talked by lots of others.

But those who you message are vunerable and sometimes need a little support

So don't be so nasty.^

----------------

Here ya go. I am quite proud of this one. This was in response to me telling s vulnerable woman she could do a whole lot better than staying with a bloke who disrespected her. I have cut the poster name off to protect the terminally stupid Smile

Meerka · 30/04/2014 20:52

oh good grief!

Darkesteyes · 30/04/2014 21:16

Blimey AF Wine

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 21:23
Wine
Hissy · 30/04/2014 21:41

Yeah but FuckerGate showed that many more had positive things to say.

We organised mass patio burials for the rest.

Brazilians have a saying ”falem bem ou falem mal mas falem de mim"

"Speak well or speak badly, but speak about me"

Hope you reported the measly bastard AF!

neiljames love you've not even been given a tan by this thread! :)

You have been around for a while, and are an asset to Mumsnet. Didn't you even pitch in on my 'cancel the date' thread? Mucho appreciated!

You don't deserve to languish in a relationship with someone who doesn't value you. Indiscretions is a poor choice of words for someone kissing another person.

For your kids to say NOT to go back to her is HUGELY significant. Really.

Back off a bit, give yourself space and time and focus on you, and your future.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/04/2014 21:42

Next time you feel like a namechange, how about "AnyHorribleFucker" Grin

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 21:44

heh

pointythings · 30/04/2014 21:50

Neil, I have seen you being a balanced sensible poster on Relationships for a long time now - time for you to take the advice, ok?

You'd do well to follow Cogito's advice and not make hasty decisions either way, but from where I stand I see little hope of resurrection for your marriage. And I hate to say it, but you deserve better than this woman who has emotionally abandoned you and is keeping you hanging on. You've done right by her and your DCs in every way, now it's time to look after yourself - disengage financially, allow yourself to grieve for what you have lost, live alone for a while to rediscover who you are, what you want out of life and how to be happy and then start over. Honestly, you deserve it.

LizzieBelle · 30/04/2014 22:29

Don't go back. The issues you had before will still be there. It's kinder not to, and that is from someone who has been there

Good luck

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