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Original poster

Partner won't support me, but should he be expected to?

157 replies

Thatslife72 · 29/04/2014 19:42

Hi I have been with my bf nearly 2 years, I have my own house he has his, we both have 2 children. I have my own business I don't make a huge amount but it's enough once I'm topped up with working tax credit and child tax credit I can basically support myself and my 2 children.

My partner earns around £60,000 a year but I have always paid for myself, meals out, holidays etc etc, sometimes I've had to say I can't afford that holiday and we've then changed it to something cheaper so I can afford it.

Now we've started to have the conversation about living together but as he earns so much I will loose these tax credits and any child benefit and will just have what I earn which won't pay for everything me and the kids need! He as far as the benefits office is concerned should be supporting us, he is reluctant to do so which I always knew in my head as he is so 50/50 with everything but then I'm not sure I want to rely on him financially anyway but I'm a annoyed with him as he is expecting me to still claim something but this would be benefit fraud, I would get in so much trouble if found out even prison, yet he wouldn't !

I don't know what to do, any advise? Is it wrong to expect him to support us, I always thought he was a bit tight tbh. Everything else is great within the relationship it's just this! Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thatslife72 · 30/04/2014 16:14

Well I will have the discussion with him about all this, I will have my say , but I'm not going to move in with him it's too risky ! I will let you know what he says

OP posts:
nochips · 30/04/2014 16:16

Good for you OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2014 16:23

This man charged your children via you to attend one of his childrens' birthday parties!. He should have been dumped pronto back then but never mind.

He will likely try and flannel you again by promising all sorts that you've already heard or get really defensive with you. He may also try and shut you down by raising his voice to you.

The saying, "mean with money, mean with love" is all too apt here. He needs to be gone from your life as of now.

Original poster
Thatslife72 · 30/04/2014 16:54

The party thing only happened a week ago, I was shocked at the time I can tell you. He did pay in the end but I ended up paying some while I was there, I will bring that up tonight too !!!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/04/2014 16:58

He will make all the right motions, but the seeds of doubt you have are there for a very good reason. Do not minimise them! Ever.

Original poster
Thatslife72 · 30/04/2014 17:04

I know, I just want to say my peace and the reason why I won't move in. He will be honest I know that, if he thinks he shouldn't pay he will say, he might apologise for the party thing though I don't know as there was some guilt or something there for him to pay in the end, I can't work that out at all why would he expect me to pay regardless how much he earns !

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 30/04/2014 17:07

Sacrifice Bloody sacrifice? he should be seeing it as an honour that you are/were even considering having him move in with you and your precious children.

he would make sure he made you feel guilty so that you do end up paying more out of guilt he is sounding very manipulative to boot

expatinscotland · 30/04/2014 17:09

Because he is a skinflint, OP. that's just how he is, how he has always been and how he always will be.

It's one of the worst forms of thoughtlessness and lack of empathy.

Darkesteyes · 30/04/2014 17:10

if he thinks he shouldn't pay he will say

Ah not necessarily He may say what he thinks you want to hear and then guilt trip you later on

Hes already told you who he is please listen

Darkesteyes · 30/04/2014 17:12

Sorry if my last post came across as bossy or patronizing it wasn't meant to

NettleTea · 30/04/2014 18:50

if he were generous of spirit you would have seen it by now. YOU will be the one making sacrifices if you moved in, not him.
If he was genuine and a keeper then this wouldnt even be an issue. He would want to treat you, he would want to share. You would want to contribute too.
But he doesnt. he wants a nanny housekeeper on the cheap

BluebellTuesday · 30/04/2014 19:11

Lweji, marriage is no guarantee of equity in finances, the good thing here is that the OP has the chance to lose any more. He can still insist on 50/50 when married, and then use his larger salary to ensure she doesn't get any money when she inevitably wants to end the marriage; except the OP has no assets to pay for legal advice, so she is, quite frankly, screwed.

Whatever he says, walk. 60k is a lot of money and you are on benefits. This man is NOT nice. He is also using the dc to keep you in the relationship.

OP, you on the other hand sound lovely and you deserve someone who is prepared to work with you on what is best for you both.

BluebellTuesday · 30/04/2014 19:11

The OP still has the chance not to lose anymore i mean

AwakeCantSleep · 30/04/2014 19:39

I agree absolutely with what has been said already - he is not a nice man. Making you pay for your children at his kid's birthday party? That alone would make me run a mile. Suggesting you commit benefit fraud if you move in together? Seriously??

(A great disparity in income can create problems in relationships, probably more so in "blended families" where there are no joint children.)

If you are happy with the status quo of living apart - great, keep it that way. If I was you I would end my relationship with this man. He doesn't sound like he is worth your time.

sykadelic · 30/04/2014 19:55

It's sad but I think you're writing the best decision.

Lweji · 30/04/2014 21:09

My guess is that he will talk you out of your doubts.

You should make your decision and just tell him what it is.

daisychain01 · 30/04/2014 21:33

I don't really know how others with blended families do it how they work out finances etc, I don't really know what is reasonable. I worked out without any of the tax credits etc monthly I would have roughly £800 a month to contribute, not alot but it is something I'm so confused

thatslife There's no rights or wrongs in this, but based on many years' experience IMHO, the way that gives the two partners the greatest chance of success is to throw away the calculators and the spreadsheets, and put your money into the family pot.

That way you are both contributing to the best of each person's ability no feelings of guilt or stress, and you get on with building a happy life with your respective DCs not wasting emotional energy worrying whether one DC had more on their dinner plate than another or stressing if one of you prefers a bath rather than a shower.

Of course this required a strong relationship, committed to the long term and both wanting the same things in life.

wonderingwendy · 01/05/2014 11:48

what did he say ?

HenI5 · 01/05/2014 12:50

OP your post at 12.26, he's prepared to make sacrifices!
It's not about his money, it's his mindset that's worrying. Don't live with him.

Original poster
Thatslife72 · 01/05/2014 13:57

Sorry I have not updated unfortunately last night was taken over by the fact a close friend died in suspicious circumstances and I was in in total shock and just wanted to talk about that, I'm afraid I cried on his shoulder!

We did talk about it a bit later on, but I lost my fight because of this so I really haven't dealt with it properly or how I wanted. He said of course he wouldn't expect me to go half he understands he would be paying for everything pretty much he basically said the £800 I earn would be mine to spend on me and the kids he would pay the rest, and we sort it out nearer the time. I didn't challenge him over anything like I planned I'm just devastated over my friend (sad)

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/05/2014 13:59

And what about the thousands you will be due your ex?

Jan45 · 01/05/2014 14:18

Not convinced OP, he can talk the talk but his actions up to now tell a completely different story.

Sorry about your friend.

PoundingTheStreets · 01/05/2014 14:25

I think it's fine for him to say he's not prepared to/can't afford to support you and your DC and therefore that you should continue to live separately if you're happy with that level of commitment from him.

I think it's fine for him to say he wants to be a family and you should all live together and he will assume full step-parent responsibilities, including financial.

Either is fine provided both parties agree.

Suggesting you live together while he refuses to support you and you have to commit benefit fraud in order to get by makes him a fuckwit of the highest order.

Do not sacrifice your independence or risk a criminal record for someone who thinks so little of you.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2014 14:28

No, no sorting it out nearer the time. This is risking your independence AND your kids' home for a man to whom you have no legal tie and who is known to be tight. To do so would be UTTER folly on your part.

Lweji · 01/05/2014 14:32

It helps to read the updates.

I didn't like the mention of sorting it out near the time. What exactly does that mean?

If you don't break up now, I'd be looking very carefully at his behaviour. If he still shows signs of stinginess walk away.
It's easy to say he'll pay for everything, but it's also easy yo go back on his word once you have lost your home, benefits and would need to face another move.

Now is the time for him to show if you are his family or not. And it is not looking good.

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