Partner won't support me, but should he be expected to?

[Thatslife72]

Hi I have been with my bf nearly 2 years, I have my own house he has his, we both have 2 children. I have my own business I don't make a huge amount but it's enough once I'm topped up with working tax credit and child tax credit I can basically support myself and my 2 children.

My partner earns around £60,000 a year but I have always paid for myself, meals out, holidays etc etc, sometimes I've had to say I can't afford that holiday and we've then changed it to something cheaper so I can afford it.

Now we've started to have the conversation about living together but as he earns so much I will loose these tax credits and any child benefit and will just have what I earn which won't pay for everything me and the kids need! He as far as the benefits office is concerned should be supporting us, he is reluctant to do so which I always knew in my head as he is so 50/50 with everything but then I'm not sure I want to rely on him financially anyway but I'm a annoyed with him as he is expecting me to still claim something but this would be benefit fraud, I would get in so much trouble if found out even prison, yet he wouldn't !

I don't know what to do, any advise? Is it wrong to expect him to support us, I always thought he was a bit tight tbh. Everything else is great within the relationship it's just this! Help!

He is expecting you to commit benefit fraud Expecting you to do that and risk prosecution IS financial abuse.

I suppose all we can do is live separately but I don't think that will make either of us happy in the long run

Leaving aside the appalling meanness, living separately, if it suited you both, is a perfectly viable long term solution. If you're willing to put up with his attitude to money because the rest of the relationship is worth it, do that. There's nothing in any of your posts that explains why you would both be happier living together (and btw he does benefit financially from sharing one set of utility bills, one mortgage, one TV license etc etc).

However - I find it very hard to believe that his dogmatic attitude to money is the only area in his life where he is not easy-going or flexible. And I find his stance that you should commit benefit fraud rather than he be contributing more than 50% of the household finances, when the disparity in your income is much wider than that, unforgivable and selfish. If he were with someone who earnt 120K, would he cheat on his taxes to make sure he could pay his exact 50% of outgoings? That's what he's asking you to do.

I was talking today to a friend married to a man like this. She's not happy.

An old post of mine from another site.

Hi I felt i had to join this site to conribute to this thread.One poster suggested to the OP to get a job.Well how can she attend a job interview in her only pair of holey shoes.The interviewer would think she didnt care.I once dated a man like the OPs husband.
1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thought my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again!

Well leaving all this aside it is if you can believe it one of the best relationships I've had, he is very loving to me and my 2 children and to his own kids who he has 50% of the time! it's fun it's easy sex is good! he is always happy! always smiling gives me compliments helps my daughter with her homework takes my son on bike rides, babysits for me when I go out sometimes or if I work an evening, communication is good he tells me he loves me I feel loved even! he sorts things out around the house. We don't argue, He misses me when he's not with me and I miss him, it's just he is tight and now it's starting to show itself into a big problem. It's such a shame we all have our faults, this is his and it had the protential to split us up sad. My children will be devastated it's over and so will his children they all get on really well. We could live separately forever but it's hard as we don't live close by and it's got to the point were we want to be a family. So this could be make or break.

I'm not sure if he knows the real consequences of bending the truth about his earnings though as he said something about it would be a while before they found out. It's still not right though I know

You don't need to live together. You can just tell him,'I can't afford to live with someone. Fraud is not an option,' and that's that.

this thread has given me food for thought. a few red flags about my new bf
he is tight apart from the odd drink in a pub he has never taken me out for a meal.he never goes to the hairdressers, just wouldn't entertain the idea.loathes to pay out for an m.o.t and does most of the work himself. asking me to take a bus to see him when he drives.
always talking about money and where he can save .shops in aldi (nothing wrong) with that but refuses to go elsewhere. lives with his mum ( he is 54, she has dementia) loves that he saves so much money living with her.
im hoping it won't get worse and im over thinking it.
maybe its bothering me because my exh was very generous.

Well the way I feel at the moment I don't want to be with him, if something doesn't sit right it usually isn't, but I'm just trying to explain why I stayed with him he is a good guy he is just tight and that over the years could destroy any love I know, it's just hard never the same when your emotionally involved as it is commenting on a thread, I knew he was tight on the first date, but there was also a fantastic connection that didn't go away as well. I thought he was perfect and hoped he would become more generous over time, sadly not !

Ohhh wonderingwendy how long have you Been with him? Yes he sounds tight too were do we find them from lol

I wonder if he feels the same way as you about how a split would impact the children.

I just couldn't fancy someone so tight

Someone said to me, if someone is not generous with money (they have), they are not generous in spirit. It is a translation from the original, but it applied to my relationship.

I am sure all the points against living with this man have been made. Of course he is smiling and lovely, he has all the benefits of a relationship with no financial commitments and he seems to think you love him so much you will move in with him at cost to yourself and your dc with no recompense. He must think a lot of himself.

Note: if he has his dc 50/50, he is likely not paying anything there either. But that is a bit cynical to say.

I know he does, he's told me in the past lweji, his cry if we don't see each other for a weekend. Mine would be devastated but I also know they would get over it and would enjoy having me to themselves again, I think it's his children they would miss more than him tbh

wondering the reason my ex had his sisters car was because he had left the MOT on his to the very last min because he was so loath to pay out for it.

Ha that is true bluebell that probably is part the reason lol, no believe me I've been with some shits he is everything I say but bloody tight! All the kids have noticed it too lol they call never the generous one ha !

They call me the generous one....stupid I pad !

Ha mine gets his mot done free through a friend lol !

Look, separate finances work for some couples, when they both have comparable incomes and are independently comfortable with enough disposable income that they match each other in terms of lifestyle. But I don't think that separate finances can ever work when there is a significant disparity in income - one partner will always be buying new stuff, going out, having hobbies and generally enjoying life while the other in the same household and family is scrimping, saving, and worrying about their share of the rent. That's no kind of partnership, that's financial abuse. I can't see how such a relationship could ever work long term.

He doesn't want a partner, he wants a flatmate with benefits.

Sorry, OP.

asking me to take a bus to see him when he drives

Ha! my ex mentioned above did this too.
Til he realised there might be less time we would be able to spend in bed together if I waited around for buses.

Don't move in with him. He will always be mean and that will ultimately kill off the relationship.

Rather than talk of moving in together why not suggest marriage and total pooling of all resources/monies instead. His response to that will give you the answer you want.

Thanks for sharing your post dark I did read and take in. Annie don't apologise I agree with you that's the sad thing !

Wendy, why waste your time with this skinflint? He is single because no one will put up with that.

Not apologising, it was more of an expression of sympathy for your sucky situation!

I actually think talking to him about all of this and saying I'm not going to claim benefits I'm not entitled to, he would probably agree and support me I really do but I'm not sure he wants to do that that's the difference, and in the long run it would cause resentment on both sides. It's the fact he hasn't offered financial support and the fact he has always expected me to pay for myself even though he earn a hell of a lot more than me !

Then you put a stop to it or end the relationship. The rigid 50/50 thing would put me off.