Partner won't support me, but should he be expected to?

[Thatslife72]

Hi I have been with my bf nearly 2 years, I have my own house he has his, we both have 2 children. I have my own business I don't make a huge amount but it's enough once I'm topped up with working tax credit and child tax credit I can basically support myself and my 2 children.

My partner earns around £60,000 a year but I have always paid for myself, meals out, holidays etc etc, sometimes I've had to say I can't afford that holiday and we've then changed it to something cheaper so I can afford it.

Now we've started to have the conversation about living together but as he earns so much I will loose these tax credits and any child benefit and will just have what I earn which won't pay for everything me and the kids need! He as far as the benefits office is concerned should be supporting us, he is reluctant to do so which I always knew in my head as he is so 50/50 with everything but then I'm not sure I want to rely on him financially anyway but I'm a annoyed with him as he is expecting me to still claim something but this would be benefit fraud, I would get in so much trouble if found out even prison, yet he wouldn't !

I don't know what to do, any advise? Is it wrong to expect him to support us, I always thought he was a bit tight tbh. Everything else is great within the relationship it's just this! Help!

Don't bother, tough, because if you move in with him you will ALWAYS have issues with this. Tightwads don't change.

You can still have a relationship, but don't live together. Tell him you are not going Dutch all the time. Don't put up with this.

Is it not possible for you to sit down with him and say something like "I love you but I don't think we can live together because we're financially incompatible"?

When he asks why, just say that you would want to pool money with any partner you live with, and you understand if he doesn't want to, but he must understand that you do.

That might lead to a conversation where you can clear the air because it sounds like money is a verboten subject in your relationship. If he knew how every time he makes you pay half, that you can't help but notch it up in memory, maybe after a time he will realise that it's an unworkable situation.

It is possible that his attitude would change if you frequently reminded him that you expect to share (i.e. equitable treatment between kids, and fair spending patterns for you and him,). He maybe has never thought about it before (wishful thinking) and it may be a lightbulb moment.

I was in your position - single mum, earning small salary & tax credits and boyfriend on large salary, except no kids. When he moved in and my tax credits & housing benefit stopped, he took over paying the rent, and did most of the food shopping. I carried on paying the elec / gas / water / phone / council tax etc and he was very generous with all of us paying for trips and meals out.

In other words, all his money was shared without reservation. We are now married, and he is the only breadwinner at the moment (hopefully will change soon), but his attitude about money cannot be faulted.

He obviously does have faults, but I'm reminded by this thread to give him a big kiss and cuddle when he gets home tonight!

Obviously you can't live with him at the moment but I am a bit more cynical and think that there are no such thing as perfect people out there and he does sound nice apart from his anal retentiveness.

I do know a young couple who had totally different views on money and managed to get couple counselling that helped them tremendously.

I'm really offended after this long you treat me like a glorified flat mate and expect me to commit fraud becuase you are so tight. We are through

Yup, expat that's what I'd be saying.

Thatslife you and your DCs deserve a lot better.

I bet he squeaks when he walks.

Get rid. This is not proper partnership. My (now) DH has always earned more than me. We have always shared expenses proportionally to what we earn and if I couldn't afford something, he would help out or we would wait a bit until it was within our reach. I cannot stand tight men and have dumped a few just because of that. If they are not generous (within reason) with their wallets, they will not be generous in other ways. As to the suggestion of committing benefits fraud and putting you and your children at risk, it tells you everything you need to know about him.

Pettybetty, in my experience there are no lightbulb moments with tightwads.

It isn't a bad habit or behaviour to be changed, like not putting dirty socks in the laundry basket, its a way of life for them, who they are.

we have only been together for 4 months and see each other once or twice a week. I love everything about him apart from him being tight.

He told you he knows the children would be upset, but would he truly change his views and would he really treat you and your children as his family?

I don't think he will suddenly start considering everyone as his family if he hasn't by now.
Living together should be a natural outcome of you becoming a family in fact, not the other way around.

So, ask yourself: are you his family? What will happen if you are ill, or can't work?

If you live together you will have no rights. Finances are not family finances. Legally, they are separated, although for taxes, they are considered joint.

So, if you do want to move forward with this man, I'd actually marry rather than live together.

Did he really charge you for your kids attending his dc party?

He must be tighter than tight.

I personally would find that a huge turn off despite all the other stuff.

Yes, he'll lose single person's council tax, the bills will go up, but he'll make you pay half of all these joint costs so his costs will in fact go down. In fact I bet he'd make you pay more than half as he will do a complex calculation based on the fact that your kids are there more than 50% of the time and his aren't.

Then the comments about how much your kids eat will start. Expat is so right, mean people never change. And they always have loads of money, QED.

He knows this and I bet he's rubbing his hands together. Hope he gets the shock of his tight-fisted life when you say you won't move in together any more!

His tight ways are already causing problems in your head and the questioning of his actions and small resentments now can only escalate if you live together.
You'd need to sort out who pays for the food and what if your kids eat more than his? Would he expect you to contribute more? What if your kids use more electricity, have more showers etc - would he want you to account for this?

What would happen if something happened such as you losing your job, not being able to work etc?
I'd be concerned about the kids - right now they're not aware of his ways - but they will as they grown up and it will be a very divided household in their eyes.
I am with my second husband. When we met I was a single parent, had a well paid job, didn't qualify for benefits and their father did not pay any maintenance - so I was self sufficient. He had kids as well and so moving in together was a huge decision. It was made so much easier as he is the most generous person I have ever met.
I gave up work and became a SAHM when our DD was born. Without complaint he supports me and all my kids and just accepts without question that's the way it should be.
I think what I'm trying to say is that two families moving in together is hard enough (and our two sets of kids got on beforehand as well) without the finances being a divisive issue.

He earns 60k and you are worrying about money? Do not move in. Seriously.

He loves his wallet. I'm sure they will be very happy together. This is NOT NORMAL!!!

I'm going to put money on it that he has calculated the social benefit to him as well, and us looking forwards to you doing the cooking, shopping and cleaning. Cheaply of course.

Don't do it.

I always warn my dds never to live with a mean man. It doesn't matter if they earn minimum wage or are a millionaire. Meaness is a horrible trait and will really get you down in the end. Who wants to be with someone who's bank balance is their first priority?

Oh and encouraging you to break the law is another huge red flag.

his costs may well go down if he is currently paying for any childcare too, because i expect that job will fall to you.
I was also going to mention his assumption that the rent/mortgage, gas, electricity etc will be halved

You need to spell out very clearly how much of your income is made up from benefits (dont forget to include stuff like tax credits, housing benefit, and childcare costs covered and prescriptions/ reduced price eye tests and all the extras that WTC qualifies to you) and lay on the line how much you actually EARN from self employment.

Even if he 'tops up' your money to the same spendable income as you have now, you still wont be equal because he is still coming from a high base.

I would also say you cannot afford to keep funding his having a girlfriend - if you are paying half of everything you do, you are effectively subsidising your relationship, because of the disparity in wages.

In the spectrum of deal-breakers, meaness comes pretty high [bitter!] Definitely don't live together. And in any case, if I were you, I'd question his whole attitude towards you. He sounds a real tightwad.

Well I've told him I'm not prepared to commit benefit fraud and explained we would be a family etc, not dating we can't split everything like we do now, but it was by text as he at work, but we seeing each other tonight to discuss further, he replied we'll sort it out and he loves me and he prepared to make sacrifices, but he always says these things but he obviously doesn't really believe them.

I am going to explain everything to him and tell him my true feelings on this I will not put myself and children in a vulnerable position and I'm feeling very much like that now. I think I knew what you'd all say but I just had to make sure .

I think what worries me is, even if this can be sorted out and he decides he loves me too much to let me go etc and does the right thing, years down the line or maybe less , his attitude which let's face it is in him will just destroy everything. I've already thought about the food thing my 10 year old eats loads and it would cause resentment if she was eating loads and he paid for it. It's much better the way I have it here on my own, no one to answer to, just me and the kids I buy their food they eat what I buy them no one else to moan at them. In the long run I think it's better for them we don't move in with him. I'm just going to have to explain to him. I don't really know how others with blended families do it how they work out finances etc, I don't really know what is reasonable. I worked out without any of the tax credits etc monthly I would have roughly £800 a month to contribute, not alot but it is something I'm so confused !

He was bang out of order suggesting you commit benefit fraud and risk jail. He sounds really tight. Doesn't sound like he has your interests at heart. No way should you move in with him, even if he makes promises, if you're not married you and DC would have little economic protection if it doesn't worl out.

I find it quite mean that with such a discrepancy in your finances that he insisted on splitting bills even when dating. DH would have found that incredibly uncomfortable, as he was always much more well off than me and paying for dates etc would have had a bigger impact on my finances but barely dented his. I think you're recognising the red flags now and how this sort of attitude would pan out in the future. How on earth would finances be treated if you ended up having another child with this man? Would he be happy to pay for food for that child but not your other children? And if you got ill/made redundant - if you stayed living alone you could get benefits, but once living together you'd be entirely reliant on him.

Blended families are difficult but I don't think you can approach them in any way except to pool resources and have a full commitment to shared finances. I was on tax credits and other means tested benefits when I moved in with DH, when we discussed finances he had no assumption other than to pay for everything for me and my dc. He would never contemplate benefit fraud and would hate to see us go without. I suppose some might say he made a big financial sacrifice, but from his view it meant he could be part of a loving family so as far as he's concerned, he got the better deal! He is the only wage earner but sees household money as belonging to both of us, as it should be in any committed relationship.

I am shocked at his meanness and I've known some tight folk in my life, he's the worst ever. What exactly is he offering you - a dodgy living arrangement where every last penny will come down to a fifty/fifty split -how enticing for you!

Seriously, this guy does not have serious intentions towards you or your kids, he quite clearly is looking for someone to split his bills with and get his leg over, that's it.

The fact he is on 60 grand and I'd imagine you are on at least half of that is appalling, expecting you to pay 50% of what HE wants to do.

Couples who move in together don't operate like this.

And, expecting you to move in and live as man and wife whilst you claim benefits as a single parent is absolutely disgusting.

I don't see anything remotely attractive about this man.

Oh I know, what does he want to spend all his money on, and tbh it could be more than £60 k I remember saying one year it was near £100k. I just don't know what or how a person likes this thinks, I just see me being very unhappy in the long run, I am starting to see it for what it is now. Things that he has said or done going around my head. If I earns that much I wouldn't even think about not supporting him you might as well have someone to share it with hey? All I can think is he will end up a very lonely old man unless he finds someone who earns the same as him which is possible. To be honest he can stick his money up his arse I'm quite comfortable were I am, but I will discuss it all with him and I won't hold back I promise! I've had a good 2 years though apart from this !

To be honest jan45 even if I wanted to I couldn't afford to pay 50/50 if I look at it like this his monthly earnings around £5,000 mine £800 how can he expect me to pay half, what does he want to do with his money I don't get it!!!

Keep us posted, he's actually offering you feck all.