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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't support me, but should he be expected to?

157 replies

Thatslife72 · 29/04/2014 19:42

Hi I have been with my bf nearly 2 years, I have my own house he has his, we both have 2 children. I have my own business I don't make a huge amount but it's enough once I'm topped up with working tax credit and child tax credit I can basically support myself and my 2 children.

My partner earns around £60,000 a year but I have always paid for myself, meals out, holidays etc etc, sometimes I've had to say I can't afford that holiday and we've then changed it to something cheaper so I can afford it.

Now we've started to have the conversation about living together but as he earns so much I will loose these tax credits and any child benefit and will just have what I earn which won't pay for everything me and the kids need! He as far as the benefits office is concerned should be supporting us, he is reluctant to do so which I always knew in my head as he is so 50/50 with everything but then I'm not sure I want to rely on him financially anyway but I'm a annoyed with him as he is expecting me to still claim something but this would be benefit fraud, I would get in so much trouble if found out even prison, yet he wouldn't !

I don't know what to do, any advise? Is it wrong to expect him to support us, I always thought he was a bit tight tbh. Everything else is great within the relationship it's just this! Help!

OP posts:
MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 29/04/2014 20:59

Thatslife my last partner made such a big deal if he did pay for anything, say a meal, by saying things like " I like to treat you to show how much I care" etc...going on about it until I felt like screaming. think he was after a BJ most of the time!

MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 29/04/2014 21:03

PS. I mentioned the shopping trip because I asked mine to get a box of tea bags. When he had to go he was holding back for some reason....eventually he blurted out that I owed him £2 for the tea bags!!

He would say "Am I paying for this or are we splitting the bill?" :o}

Its a bit embarrassing.

KristinaM · 29/04/2014 21:05

He charged your children to attend his child's birthday party??????

SolidGoldBrass · 29/04/2014 21:05

Yuk, dump this man. He sees you moving in with him as a way to save more money, with regular sex thrown into the mix.

Darkesteyes · 29/04/2014 21:09

Hes tight now If he moves in with you it will be financial abuse... LTB

Original poster
Thatslife72 · 29/04/2014 21:09

No he won't be saving money, it will be costing him , but I will be providing other support I guess

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/04/2014 21:12

Well, it won't cost him anything now because he will be dumped.

Original poster
Thatslife72 · 29/04/2014 21:15

I just wanted to check what I was feeling was right, I know my family and friends will say the same, though one friend did say it was unfair to expect him to pay for me and my children which made me think, thank you mumsnet !

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/04/2014 21:18

What's fair about expecting you to commit benefit fraud.

You knew he was tight at first date. Next time, just stop there and don't waste your time.

mummytime · 29/04/2014 21:19

My Mum always said to never marry (or get serious) with someone who was "tight".

Charging you to go to a Birthday party - well I'd drop a "friend" who did this never mind a bf.

Ragwort · 29/04/2014 21:21

in the 2 years we have been together I think he has paid for dinner twice as in for both of us! - presumably that includes the early days when you first met - I am all for 'going dutch' when people earn roughly the same amount but if he earns significantly more than you and isn't willing to 'treat' you he is clearly a mean bastard - as for charging your children to attend his childrens' party - the mind boggles.

Ditch him, and send him the bill for any meals you have provided, bed and breakfast etc Grin.

magoria · 29/04/2014 21:21

So how would this work?

He would pay reluctantly the bare minimum to support you and your children.

What do you children get beyond the bare minimum. What would his get? Birthdays/christmas etc? Holidays? Clearly you won't be able to afford these. Will he pay for you and your children or will he just take his own?

You would be setting up a two tier family with your kids at the bottom.

Original poster
Thatslife72 · 29/04/2014 21:22

Don't worry I am too soft sometimes and have made plenty of mistakes but ones I can get myself out of , but I'm not totally stupid I won't commit benefit fraud ! I don't fancy prison nor loosing my children worst case scenario I know, but not for a man no !

OP posts:
MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 29/04/2014 21:23

....and BJ's! Seriously good luck with it all, I can only imagine how heavy your heart is right now. X

Lweji · 29/04/2014 21:23

He shouldn't be supporting you or your children.
He should be supporting his family, which is what you'd become by living together.
You pull resources.

He'd still save on bills, such as council tax, gas and electricity. He'd save work on keeping a home tidy and clean. He'd save his time going back and forth.

But mostly, he'd have a partner to share his life. His loss.

meditrina · 29/04/2014 21:27

I'm not sure I want to rely on him financially anyway

In which case, do not move in with him. If he's good at it, keep him as a lover. But sounds a bit if a dead end for anything other than recreational.

joanofarchitrave · 29/04/2014 21:29

Give yourself time to think about it - you don't have to make a decision tonight! Just DON'T move in with him. It's Ok to be in a relationship with someone you don't live with.

AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 21:31

Yes, what the hell are you doing ?

Knock this ridiculous situation on the head, pronto.

ShouldBeDoingSomethingProducti · 29/04/2014 21:38

:( he's tighter than a ducks bum. You deserve a whole lot more out of life than this bloke. Just because he's better than that last one doesn't make him 'good'. He will only get worse.

Anyone who earns significantly more than their partner and doesn't want to 'share' it with them or at the very least 'treat them' is not someone who has a generous heart about anything. God forbid should something happen to you he wouldn't look after your children or you. If you were in hospital he'd probably charge you childminding rates and get you to pay for the parking.

Run. Run far and run fast!

ShouldBeDoingSomethingProducti · 29/04/2014 21:40

There's no point (IMO) anyway in being in a relationship that isn't ever going to go anywhere, it prevents you from being in one that might and the children just get more attached to the other adult and the other children. Cut and run.

Corygal · 29/04/2014 21:46

I know this is a grim cliche, but it's still infuriatingly true: mean with money, mean with love.

Bin him, I really would.

Original poster
Thatslife72 · 29/04/2014 21:50

I agree with you all and would be saying the exact same thing to someone else.

Lweji however he wouldn't be better off, he would loose single person council tax, be using more electricity etc and food, I'm not making excuses I'm just making it clear he would be worse off and so would I but as others have said he would benefit in other ways not financial

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 21:51

So, are you ending this farce then ?

expatinscotland · 29/04/2014 21:55

Who cares? He expects you to commit benefit fraud. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Charging you to bring your kids to his kids party but his go free.

Seriously?

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 29/04/2014 21:56

Yeah, this is all wrong.