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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't support me, but should he be expected to?

157 replies

Thatslife72 · 29/04/2014 19:42

Hi I have been with my bf nearly 2 years, I have my own house he has his, we both have 2 children. I have my own business I don't make a huge amount but it's enough once I'm topped up with working tax credit and child tax credit I can basically support myself and my 2 children.

My partner earns around £60,000 a year but I have always paid for myself, meals out, holidays etc etc, sometimes I've had to say I can't afford that holiday and we've then changed it to something cheaper so I can afford it.

Now we've started to have the conversation about living together but as he earns so much I will loose these tax credits and any child benefit and will just have what I earn which won't pay for everything me and the kids need! He as far as the benefits office is concerned should be supporting us, he is reluctant to do so which I always knew in my head as he is so 50/50 with everything but then I'm not sure I want to rely on him financially anyway but I'm a annoyed with him as he is expecting me to still claim something but this would be benefit fraud, I would get in so much trouble if found out even prison, yet he wouldn't !

I don't know what to do, any advise? Is it wrong to expect him to support us, I always thought he was a bit tight tbh. Everything else is great within the relationship it's just this! Help!

OP posts:
Jan45 · 30/04/2014 13:47

he's not sure about you and him hence the 50/50 split all the time, even when living together as a family, absolute joke.

Original poster
Thatslife72 · 30/04/2014 13:50

You know I'm starting to think that jan it's all to do with commitment isn't it. I just can't put myself in that vulnerable situation it will make me feel worthless too I know it will. I'm sad, angry and fed up tbh

OP posts:
listofnames · 30/04/2014 14:09

DH gets about £5k take home monthly, it looks to me he is on around £100k rather than £60k which makes him (your DP) seem even tighter. And don't forget you wouldn't even get child benefit (or he'd have to pay for it through tax) on that salary if you lived together. The tax office doesn't care that he isn't your dc's dad, just if there is a child benefit claim on the household.

yellowcar · 30/04/2014 14:14

Don't move in with him op.

I had a bf exactly like this, he wanted to move in, but once we got talking about the nuts and bolts of it he was unbelievable. Like yours, he wanted me to still claim my tax credits. He wanted to set up a room to look as if he was the lodger in case anyone came round to check. He also insisted that he'd need an office! This would've meant me not having students, a good part of my income,but he still didn't want to contribute fairly despite my big loss in income. I was a very low earner at the time, he was on similar to your bf and always boasting about how much he earned from overtime..a lot. He wanted to pay £400 a month, then rang me to reduced it to £350 as he's have to spend more on petrol getting to work!!!

When it was pointed out to me that all the maintenance on the house etc would still fall to me, as he was such a tightwad, I asked him to contribute more and he went absolutely mental! Accused me of treating him like a lodger!

luckily I saw sense in time and didn't let him move in. I think the next move on his part would've been getting half of my house. He was so astute about finances, but absolutely the meanest man I have ever come across.

You get accustomed to it, that's the problem. He used to accuse ME of being mean! O I really hope you don't move in with him op, you sound fine as you are, enjoy your own space where you can do as you please and spend what you like. It's worth a lot.

Vivacia · 30/04/2014 14:14

You know, I don't have a problem with him wanting to go 50:50. I don't have a problem with him saying that will continue when you move in. At least you know where you stand, and you don't know what's happened in the past to make him like this.

The warning bells are the bits about charging your children to attend a party and the bit about breaking the law.

OddFodd · 30/04/2014 14:16

So he earns about 5x what you do and wants to split costs 50/50? Sod that for a game of soldiers!

I think you should tell him you don't see a future in your relationship. I would have dumped him after the party invitation thing - that's beyond the pale. You don't charge anyone for attending a party - much less your partner!

Original poster
Thatslife72 · 30/04/2014 14:31

I'm not going to move in with him, it would also mean buying a house anyway, this would also mean having to give my ex husband a sum of money out of the house as I'm not allowed to live with anyone unless I do so. So that would then mean I would be stuck, trapped even as I would not then be able to go get a house again. So I guess I have to end it I just don't feel comfortable with it at all it's just sad that's all :-(

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/04/2014 14:31

Let it fly, OP, and then dump him. He is already making you miserable. 50/50 100% of the time? I don't even behave like this with mates!

yellowcar · 30/04/2014 14:45

You can still continue to date him though? Depends what you want from the future. I would be happy with that set up, not living with anyone but in a committed relationship. You still need to have the 'stop being a tight arse' talk though, about paying for meals out, holidays etc. O and kids parties! Unbelievable!!

bleedingheart · 30/04/2014 14:53

I'm really struggling on how to phrase this and I don't want to offend but I wanted to address one of the aspects you wrote about. OP, you have written about many plus points to his behaviour. I do think that sometimes people can give freely of their time, be kind and give compliments because they are closed off in other areas. In your partners' case I wonder how much he can really be in love you if he still sees his money as entirely his and cannot empathise with the difficulties that will cause you if you live together.

I have a relative who is very effusive and warm and a good host but I wouldn't have a clue what he feels about anything on an emotional level. That's completely closed off.

I couldn't insist on 50/50 if I earned so much more than my partner and as for asking you to pay for expensive trips that he wants to go on? No, it should be his treat.

When DH and I started dating he earned a lot more than me so he would pay for meals and hotel stays and I would pay for drinks or coffees etc. It wasn't a big deal.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2014 14:53

I don't see how you can still date him because it sounds like all the attraction is gone.

bleedingheart · 30/04/2014 14:54

*be in love WITH you

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 30/04/2014 14:56

My dad was is and always has been a real tight arse.

He'd rather shoot off his own foot, then spend any money on someone who wasnt himself.

Its no life to live with a tight bastardly scrooge.

PussInBrogues · 30/04/2014 14:58

i would not move in with him, you will be onto a right loser if you do

i would bin him

scallopsrgreat · 30/04/2014 15:03

He is prepared to make sacrifices?? How big of him!

But also he thinks sharing household finances proportionally is actually a sacrifice? Hmm

If he sees it as a sacrifice then he is also likely to hold it over you. That would make for a miserable life :(

nochips · 30/04/2014 15:03

Hang on, he said he would be 'prepared to make sacrifices'? So, he sees living with you and it affecting you financially as somehow a sacrifice for him?

Did I get that right? Seriously, break up. You are not too far from him timing you in the shower, and monitoring an extra slice of bread as you have already identified.

nochips · 30/04/2014 15:03

x-post

scallopsrgreat · 30/04/2014 15:04

Hah great minds nochips Grin

expatinscotland · 30/04/2014 15:13

You deserve so much more than this.

Yep, he will monitor every mouthful your kids eat, what they do (lessons, phone, going out with friends) and make you feel guilty. He already does. When he charged you to bring your kids to his kids party you paid up becuase you felt bad?

That is ridiculous.

People like this NEVER change or have a lightbulb moment.

When he brings up 'sacrifice' you tell him, 'My family is a joy, not a sacrifice.'

Bet his ex could tell some tales!

tribpot · 30/04/2014 15:20

I cannot imagine having to worry about how much my child ate and the financial repercussions with my partner. You simply cannot move with him. Whatever you decide to do about the relationship, your children can't be exposed to this kind of pettiness any more than they have been.

shoppingbagsundereyes · 30/04/2014 15:24

Is there any reason you can't carry on with your relationship how it currently is? My mum and her partner have been really happy together but in separate houses for 20 years. If he doesn't want to share fiancées and share a life together but you still really enjoy his company then why not keep dating? There's no rule that states you have to live with someone.

noddyholder · 30/04/2014 15:25

He wouldn't be worse off he should feel he was better off having you in his life Smile Get rid

PussInBrogues · 30/04/2014 15:32

mean with money
mean with love........

Beastofburden · 30/04/2014 15:48

The thing is, what you have now works for you as a single person. If you get together with someone permanently then that support stops- both from the benfits support side and also as you will have to give your ex some of the house proceeds etc. So of course there would be less cash coming in to the family.

It's right that what you get now is what you need as a lone parent. if you had the offer of a relationship where you knew it was going to work out for definite, then giving up that extra money as a family wouldn't bother you, it would be fine, time to move on; as a family you would have enough.

I don't know how anyone is supposed to work things out in the early stages of a relationship without doing what you are doing. I know that if it all went wrong you would be entitled to your benefits again- but you wouldn't get your share of the house back again from your ex.

More time needed to know if he's the right one for you. But if it is just the money- well, maybe the shock of being called on it might wake him up.

Agree with everyone who says, don't put yourself at risk while he stays secure.

wonderingwendy · 30/04/2014 16:09

interested on what he says when you speak to him today.please let us know.