If you are tempted to have an affair, please read this

[duckandcover]

Take it from me: you'll destroy your sanity, you will not be able to look at your family, and the other man? He might just hate you all along: HATE you but still fuck you anyway. I don't believe men fuck married women they don't despise at least a little. And I have found this out tonight. Don't think that loving you and wanting you are the same thing. I wd do anything to get back the innocence I had a few months ago - but now? OM has given it to me both guns and it is horrible. And no less than I deserve. Please please think about this before you do anything. I don't care if anyone lays into me here, I could not hate what I've done or myself any more than I do. The only way this can be worthwhile is to let others know: your OM might utterly despise you, even whilst they're fucking you.

So having an affair is not a good idea! Who knew?

I read an article entitled 'why having an affair is like being double crossed in a heist'. Wise words op, sorry you are going through this. Hope things are easier for you soon. Remember today is the first day of your recovery/moving in from this and you will be happy again.

Oh dear. We learn new things everyday. Are you still with your family?

And there I was thinking that having an affair was wrong because it's, I don't know, a betrayal of trust, a lie, humiliating, disloyal...you know, inherently wrong.

Let's not kick someone while they are down eh?

duck, you sound in a hideous amount of pain , so sorry for what you're going through.

You won't get your innocence back, no.

But perhaps you have found out what's important to you and you can start trying to regain of protect that. If you can recognise what's truly precious then you have learned something valuable.

Don't obsess about whether he loved or hated you. It's in the past. Try and concentrate on learning to love yourself so you need never again look for validation from someone who does not value and cherish you.

Good luck with mending your heart.

Duck Are you okay ? I am quite concerned...

Duck you will feel better about this and yourself in time. Grit your teeth, hold your high and know you've learnt a painful lesson rather than learnt nothing.

It will feel better in time

There are two types of people in affairs. Players and the emotionally unwary. Affairs happen to the emotionally unwary and hit hard. The players move on

Look at what made you do this and change that. Forget the creep

If you think OM hates you, that's nothing to what your dh will think of you.

I'm sorry you're in pain but the serious self centredness of the post makes my teeth ache. Not a care for your dh.

So OM told you you are a cheater and a fraudster popped your over inflated estimation of yourself. Surely all the shagging was worth all the deceit to your family. You could redeem yourself by confessing to your husband before OM tells your hubby or starts blackmailing you. You think it over but this could come out anytime in the future.

Duck you have done this for a reason. Without knowing all the details I am sure your dh is not a completely innocent party. Get through tonight. Things will look better tomorrow. You can't see it now but this could be the catalyst to make some decisions that you needed to make a long time ago for the best for your future.

So sorry you're hurting. Now do the decent thing and tell your husband.

Lud and gering grow a flipping heart.

I hope you are OK, Duck.

I do in a way respect you for posting and I'm sorry you are in pain, but in your self-centredness what you aren't getting is that the pain you feel will go away, and is only a fraction of the pain your partner and the OMs partner will feel and the pain of your betrayal will be with them for the rest of their lives.

Still, if your post makes at least one other person thinking about an affair stop, that's a good thing.

Seriously heartshaped, you're saying her dh is to blame in some way? Talk about me growing a heart. Bloody hell!

It was only a few months? Don't tell your husband. The burden is yours to bear but don't offload it onto your husband.

I am not judging you just giving advice. Concentrate on your husband and family and put all this behind you.

Why do you care so much that OM despised you? What were you hoping to get out of the affair?

OP three weeks ago I discovered my partner's affair by coming across some emails between them. Their 'love was on fire' [sic]. I also saw that he had looked at her FB page and her husband's. They looked to me like a lovely 'normal' family.

The thing is, she will know nothing about him. His depressive illness, his ocd, hypercriticism and sarcastic negative humour. She will only see the funny, gentle man that I saw when we first were together.

This has disrupted two families, and left two sets of bewildered children, mine and hers. Affairs are pretend, you cannot realistically know someone under these circumstances.

Thank you to those of you with something supportive to say - even though I'm not seeking an iota of sympathy it means something. To the haters? I don't disagree and I'm sucking it up. I've NEVER read on here the bald fact that an OM could HATE the woman they shag, just DESPISE them whilst smiling and smiling and agreeing it's love. And I think i's fact worth adding for the benefit of anyone who thinks pain, and lying, are not disincentives enough to stop them. It's not an only reason, or a superior reason. But it might be the reason someone stops to think before embarking on their own great, grand passion.

No one is hating you, simply what you have done. Also the only regret you are expressing is your own pain with no mention of the devastation you are potentially exposing your dh and dc to.

No one will sympathise with the whole woe is me routine, surely.

Not after sympathy - and it's neither original nor effective to cite selfishness, pain and betrayal as outcomes. I want to pass on the news that your OM might just despise you on top of these other hideous outcomes. And that might just make some

...one stop in their tracks if all else fails.

I don't think you can speak for all OMs. Just the one you got .

OMs who are players must on some level despise women in general. It is not just the fact you are married. It sounds like your OM said some very cruel and unwarranted things to you. He has got issues to sort out. I am afraid you had the misfortune of encountering a particularly unpleasant individual.

True, lord - but it's not something I'd considered. And it seems a useful, ugly addition to the many good reasons NOT to have an affair. And of course why would OM respect you?