If you are tempted to have an affair, please read this

[duckandcover]

Take it from me: you'll destroy your sanity, you will not be able to look at your family, and the other man? He might just hate you all along: HATE you but still fuck you anyway. I don't believe men fuck married women they don't despise at least a little. And I have found this out tonight. Don't think that loving you and wanting you are the same thing. I wd do anything to get back the innocence I had a few months ago - but now? OM has given it to me both guns and it is horrible. And no less than I deserve. Please please think about this before you do anything. I don't care if anyone lays into me here, I could not hate what I've done or myself any more than I do. The only way this can be worthwhile is to let others know: your OM might utterly despise you, even whilst they're fucking you.

This is still all very raw for you.
I think if I remember correctly, that some women on here who have felt like you, felt they needed to do a good deed to try and amend for what they had done.
I dont know if that would help you or not?
[though I wouldnt recommend doing what one woman did. She told the OM's wife, and thereby made the whole thing even worse[I realise that this does not apply in your case]

A mistake??!!! A mistake in this context is to flirt...maybe cuddle and perhaps a kiss. To actually go consciously into a full blown affair is not a mistake.

I take offense at people minimising the difference between a bit of fun and the deceit and hurt caused by taking the extra step to sex with someone else.

Constantly on these threads I see a one for men one for women answer. And you can all stop right now with our handbags in the air crying " I would say the same to male or female"

When a single woman comes on and admits to an affair with a married man ...while I'm sure most will not condone it they say that while doing a silly thing It is mainly down to him as he was the one breaking his vows to his wife. In this OP the shoe is on the other foot and yet the man is STILL getting blamed.

And unlikelyamazonian she may have been royally fucked over by a man but she is also royally fucking over her husband IMO

Duck You really need to actually read what you wrote to us here word by word. You wrote "victim". There must have been a line that he crossed and that you held dearly as a personal value. You need to understand this value of your own. You wrote that you love him, but are you sure that this is love, if he has violated one of the dear values which you hold personally ? We are all different people, but sometimes, those of us who are grown and mature and also have fallen on life's challenges, will and still learn continuously and learn to love, and protect, and not to harm and hurt. You need to know how he has hurt you, and what values it broke in your heart. If you understood this yourself, then you can begin to heal and let go. When you have healed and found the confidence to accept how you let him in and that you did not guard the boundaries well. Then you will begin to know where you are in life again. Then you can deal with your husband and the children, and therefore find strengths to handle any possible consequences from there. If you do not heal yourself first, then you won't be able to identify what went wrong and why you feel so deeply hurt. At this stage, hold onto the hurt, and do not lose yourself. Go to counselling. Write down thoughts, or feelings as it comes up now. Maybe you can discuss those during your sessions before you forget.

If you are truly sorry you will tell your husband tonight so he can get tested for infections. That is the only way to start to make amends.

maisie I'm in bits at your post. Thank you. I need to think this can get better, but I know I have to work out what's so wrong that this happened.

By the way, all these values, lust, admiration, are not true love. Deep true love is sincere. (Sorry if I sound preachy but...) Do not let your head run away from your heart just yet. Even as a bystander reading your thread, I got a bit teary too.

I am aghast at some of the posts on this thread. Have people lost their minds?

The OP has willfully, voluntarily, repeatedly behaved with appalling lack of morality. There is NOTHING to excuse this. If the OP is in a dreadful situation at home, the right thing to do is to exit that situation before embarking on something else.

There are some things in life that are absolute. An affair, without the spouse's consent, is absolutely wrong.

There is also huge differences between understanding a situation, empathising with it and sympathizing with it. Sympathizing and condoling normalizes the behaviour and gives legitimacy to the feelings.

The OP's feelings are not legitimate. It may be a strange comparison, but it is not legitimate to sympathise with, say, a shop worker who has repeatedly stolen money from the till to get pissed off and feel sorry for herself (and post about these feelings under the guise of giving advice on the topic of theft ) when it turns out the money she was stealing turned out to be fake. She shouldn't have been fucking stealing in the first place! That is the top and bottom of it, there is nothing else.

I despair, honestly.

I don't wish ill on the OP, but neither do I offer sympathy.

She is remorseful.

Oh well, you must come on and slap the OP about as you see fit. I choose not to do that and thankfully, most others don't either. It just says rather a lot about the er... 'slapper'.

Nobody is normalising affairs, nobody. But if you think that telling people they mustn't does the slightest bit of good then you are away with the fairies. Many, many people have had or are currently having or will have affairs. Nobody on this thread has condoned them, they are indefensible but that doesn't mean that somebody in pain should put up with finger-wagging posters putting the boot in. How about you stop that?

If someone was truly remorseful they wouldn't keep the secret, they would allow their partner to know their health may be at risk.

How are you keeping your 'pain' and how you feel 'destroyed' over this away from your DH duck? Surely he knows something is wrong?

Yes he does handful - I have attempted to end our marriage and we are currently awaiting counselling. The fact of my love for the shit that was my OM, let alone my grand passion which was in fact a sordid little number means I need to end my marriage with decency albeit too late.

Oh duck you have my sympathies. I have been where you are... Am now ending my marriage as I could not live with the guilt. Mm is staying married despite promises to the contrary. It sucks. Pm me.

Describing the moral context of the OP's behaviour is neither putting the boot in nor slapping her about. Sure, the truth (as I see it) can be hard to stomach, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't and cannot be told and it does not necessarily mean that to point it out is to kick a person when she's down. As it happens, in this instance of an affair which is hardly an essential or life saving thing that might justify a breach of moral values, I definitely don't think my words are kicking a person when she's down. The OP got herself in this situation, and I am decrying the voices that sympathise with this and giving my reasons.

There is a time and a place for everything, of course, but the OP has sought to post as she has on a public Internet forum. We are not a band of trusted friends with a history of shared experiences. A forum such as this is not the place for blind faith (or blind anything, by anyone, including the OP). This is public, it bears repeating, and for as long as it remians public and I stick to the rules, I shall not "stop that".

crime What do you mean that her feelings are not legitimate ? It is legitimate. She just chose to wrap it under another layer of white lies. Maybe you fail to see this, but those of us can see through this kind of behaviour is what makes members stay on this site to begin with. We did not have to literally call her out on this. I am sure she knows. But the true test later on is for her to deal with her marriage, and her children. Cos that part is going to make her suffer so much more. The suffering that she has now is a personal heartful one. It hurts, cos it was a stupid self hateful misjudgment. We can offer her some emotional support, but the suffering will linger.

There must've been something which pushed herself to go for this kind of situation to begin with. Affairs of the heart is just that. It is emotion led, and not rational at all.

We can leave her be, and let another person walk around society full of anger, or we can help her since she has spoken truthfully of this shameful situation ? We can help nip this karma in place, or she can also perpetuate the same hatred too that was bestowed on her from that guy. Cos if he is single, and he has continually done this on others and misled them, the day that guy fell in love with someone else whom he truly adores will be the day that he grows up and realises what he had done.

Well, we make choices then, as I am also just another member of the public, and I wear my personality on show. There. I offered my service, it was taken. Done. Me out.

Duck , did you attempt to end your marriage before , or after your affair ?

I think in time you will cringe about your love comments. Perhaps Google dopamine addiction , which is what most affairs consist of. It's very real and feels like love , but it's not.

I also suspect some of your pain stems from the fact that you have betrayed yourself and your own values. Your marriage doesn't have to be over , you can learn and grow from this. Is there something in your life at the moment , or something about you perhaps , that you've been running away from ? I suspect many affairs are about betraying oneself as opposed to betraying your spouse.

Yadda yadda yadda. Ultimately this rather unpleasant thread boils down to woman with kids, cheats on husband and then moans hysterically about how loverboy (who she still loves) now hates her and is treating her like shit. Aaaah diddums. Perhaps if she spent half as much time thinking about her husband and kids as she does on the cliched 'bastard but I still love him' she and her family wouldn't be in this mess.

Also I have to say there is extraodinarily little in the way of remorse for anybody else in this thread. The main remorse shown is for the fact that her affair is ruined and the OM hates her.

How on earth is counselling going to help you as a couple if your dh doesn't even know why you need it? It would be very calculating and manipulative to make him go through that without being honest first.

Let's be honest though, all the talking in the world won't help if you have given him an STI. It's hard to have sympathy for someone
Who's only feelings are for themself.

All suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their own happiness or satisfaction. However, a truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively or hurt you. You must not hate those who do wrong or harmful things; but with compassion, you must do what you can to stop them — for they are harming themselves, as well as those who suffer from their actions.

Not my words, but a great message.

Thank you for responses; my moral compass is so awry and all these thoughts are helping recalibrate it. Currently want to hide in bed. Wiped out with grief. I wish I could have read this six months ago.

Would the OP have had this epiphany about the horridness of affairs if this other man hadn't done whatever it is he did to her?

Anyway, despite there being a selfish tone to her posts, I think she gets that SHE alone is responsible for her situation, and that's the first step towards improvement.

She should ignore those saying irrelevant things such as "I'm sure your husband isn't innocent" (as though they know) and ...."oh isn't this other man terrible and he must hate women so much blah blah..." (ignoring that you could just as easily mirror the statement against the OP). The devil wants you to keep doing bad things and doesn't want you to improve. He/she will therefore always try to convince you that the consequences of your actions are actually someone else's fault....it must be something your husband did....you feel this way because the other man hates women etc. etc.

I supposed you could also think about posting this on netmums and elsewhere to help make others think twice?

I wish my SIL could read this. She is having an affair with a single OM, and it has destroyed her marriage; her almost exDH, and her 3 DCs are distraught. There is fall out in the wider family too. Not that she would care about them. She sees herself as the victim and yet the reality is very different Given the way she is continuing to behave (the only priority is the new boyfriend) I fear for the children long term. I don't want to hijack your thread, but anyone who knows the true story of my SIL knows what a thoroughly selfish blinkered individual she is - only her happiness counts. I used to like her, but knowing what I know now, I hope I never see her again. Others feel the same.

Duck at least you sound as though you know what a moral compass is, and maybe you can right some of your wrongs.

From your posts I'm not too sure if your DH knows of the affair or, if not, whether you are planning on telling him

BTW, did you have unprotected sex with the OM? STIs can be transmitted through unprotected oral sex as well as by piv. If there is a possibility of this then you should really get yourself tested.

I have no sympathy for people who have affairs - I've been cheated on before.

However, I do believe that cheating is a symptom of things not being right in your relationship - rather than the cause of it. I would guess that your wants and needs were not being really met in your marriage. I am not saying here that your husband is to blame - far from it - as it is quite likely that he also was not getting his wants and needs met from the relationship either.

You say that you will be having counselling and that will hopefully do a lot to increase communication between you and your DH about what each of you need from your relationship.

However, the big thing will be the affair. Will you tell him about it?

If you do come clean, then you’d bet­ter do so com­pletely. I mean 100% truth, absolutely, no holds barred, no lit­tle omis­sions or “spin­ning” any­thing. Tell the truth about who, where, when, what hap­pened, how long, etc. Don’t even think about leav­ing out past indis­cre­tions. Don’t fool your­self that he doesn’t need to know all of that or that you’re “pro­tect­ing him”.

Sec­ond, accept full responsibility. Do not even allow your­self to maybe think just a lit­tle bit of this is anyone’s fault but your own. You are an adult. No mat­ter what your emo­tions are, you are in con­trol of your actions.

No mat­ter what the rela­tion­ship with your husband was like, whether he “just didn’t appreciate you”, you aren’t get­ting as much sex as you’d like, you just aren’t so attracted to him any more, or you want to explore things that don’t inter­est him, the affair is com­pletely your fault. It doesn’t mat­ter how much effort the OM put into seduc­ing or attract­ing you. You chose to cheat. It’s All Your Fault. Accept It.

If you’ve decided that you truly want to stay with your husband it’s time to talk to him.

You might want to con­sider doing this during one of your counselling sessions. Ask your husband to let you talk until you’ve fin­ished, and tell him every­thing. When you’re done talk­ing, it’s his turn to talk until he’s fin­ished. Let him say any­thing he wants to say, ask ques­tions, etc. Answer any ques­tions he has fully and hon­estly.

He may want some space at this point, because he’ll need pro­cess­ing time. That’s nor­mal. In fact, he may not want you in the home you share together. Be ready to stay else­where if he doesn’t want you any­where near him or for him to want to leave the home temporarily.

If you arrived in one car for a coun­sell­ing ses­sion where you are telling him this, con­sider ahead of time how you will get home or to your alter­nate des­ti­na­tion if this is what he wants. If you can have an overnight bag ready with­out alarm­ing him, do that.

Pre­pare your­self to accept his anger and resent­ment, to acknowl­edge his right to those feel­ings, and to sup­port him in express­ing them in a healthy way. Don’t assume that he’ll for­give you, or that he’ll be will­ing to do any­thing to work on sal­vaging your marriage. He might, in fact, walk out to call a divorce lawyer. He’s cer­tainly within his rights to do so.

Your husband has sev­eral deci­sions to make now. The first is to deter­mine whether or not he can trust you at all now. Is he able to for­give the harm you’ve done, and is your mar­riage even worth the work it’s going to take to sal­vage it? If he con­fides in them, it is highly likely that his friends and fam­ily will be telling him to dump you.

One cau­tion: many peo­ple, when faced with the knowl­edge that their spouse has been unfaith­ful, will have a “revenge affair” of their own. It’s never healthy, but it is common.

If your husband decides to for­give you, there’s some­thing you need to keep in mind: “for­give­ness” does not mean, “I’m for­get­ting what hap­pened and every­thing is like it used to be.” Expect peri­odic recur­rences of any ini­tial explo­sions of anger, shame, grief, and pain.

I hope this is helpful.