If you are tempted to have an affair, please read this

[duckandcover]

Take it from me: you'll destroy your sanity, you will not be able to look at your family, and the other man? He might just hate you all along: HATE you but still fuck you anyway. I don't believe men fuck married women they don't despise at least a little. And I have found this out tonight. Don't think that loving you and wanting you are the same thing. I wd do anything to get back the innocence I had a few months ago - but now? OM has given it to me both guns and it is horrible. And no less than I deserve. Please please think about this before you do anything. I don't care if anyone lays into me here, I could not hate what I've done or myself any more than I do. The only way this can be worthwhile is to let others know: your OM might utterly despise you, even whilst they're fucking you.

mama, the OP's OM hasn't exactly covered himself in glory either shagging a married woman. Though OP takes brunt for breaking her marriage vows, I believe the OM needs to take the plank out of his eye before he casts stones.

We can add hypocrite to his list of demons.

duck - my previous post wasn't directed at you.

I have some sympathy for OW who show remorse and learn from their situation. What I can't understand is someone who receive a lot of support and then come on another poster's thread and throw blame at DW/DH/DP when you didn't even mention your DH.

How many DW/DH say that when they discover an affair, it seemed to come out of the blue and everything in their marriage seemed fine and then spend months or years trying to make sense of it?

FWIW - I don't think it matters whether he is single as someone in this has ultimately been betrayed but I suspect you are learning from that. Live well OP.

Blue shoes: absolutely agree with you. People knowingly shagging married people aren't exactly showing themselves in an attractive light behaviour wise either. I based my comment on his attitude to op as that was also the basis for her post.

I could never, ever be tempted to have an affair. Life happens, sometimes you can fancy a man and get that 'spark' but no way would I give in to temptation. Im not letting any man use me.

I do think your post is 'me me me' OP - but you've learned a very harsh lesson and at least you're expressing that. I much prefer your honesty rather than those posts where the OW lands here with a woe is me 'he done me wrong but I love him', attitude, talking about the MM being the great passion of her life (yawn), courting sympathy and at times managing to get in a sly remark about the DW, also really just looking for validation to go running after him again. Pages & pages of self-seeking 'soul searching'.

I do believe MM who seek out other women to shag have zero respect for women. They're showing you that you're good for a secret fuck to add to the excitement of his life, but nothing else. & that they're sly, breaking the vows they made with their DW and sneaking around behind her back whilst still wanting her and their life set-up. You can't have any expectations of him because his cards are on the table - he's married, you're not the DW, so whilst you're angsting with him in his mind he just wants you to shut up. You've already given him the best of both worlds on his terms so what else is there to go on about?

Hopefully you now fully realise a hole in the corner affair with a selfish man just isn't worth the stress and that its not love - just sordid. Sounds like he's dumped you. You've had a lucky escape dust yourself off, start again and live the life you want to, knowing that at least you aren't a piece of meat for some bloke who needs a bit on the side to boost him. It could be worse. You could be his wife.

Agree, free sordid sex with no commitment, no financial out lay, on tap when it suits him!! Who isn't going to sign up for that gig

Hi duck. sorry you are in such pain. The rights and wrongs don't matter right now. There will be time to deal with that, and the consequences and the reactions. Just give yourself a small window to catch your breath xx

heart - "Though I do believe generally that affairs do not always happen solely because of the actions of one/two selfish individuals". No, affairs DO happen solely because of the actions of one or two selfish individuals. Unless someone held a gun to their heads ALL the blame belongs to them. I have no doubt that the state of their primary relationship/s might have made it possible for the affair to seem an attractive proposition but that is not the same thing as the cause of the affair.

Gering I find your first comment incredibly offensive. Just because a woman has an affair does not mean she is lucky if she is not gang raped!

Op I second what other posters have said.. Invest in a good therapist your mental health and emotional well being is worth it

OP: I think you've discovered that many single people who embark in affairs do so because they don't want to have a proper relationship with someone. They want an affair. If they wanted to have proper relationships (with all that entails) there are plenty of other single people to have one with. Your OM was one of these people.

All I was pointing out is that she has put herself in a very stupid position where blackmail is a possibility. He could do it at anytime, now, next month or next year. She will always be looking over her shoulder now for the rest of her life. Wouldn't be the first time husband/wife had been black mailed.

Gering STOP !! You are making this worst, and is not helping. What you are telling us here is of cases that are very violent, very disgusting, and actually criminal. Please stop and read the context of the thread. This thread is about the OP. If you cannot help her, then don't add extra more cruelty already on top of this and make others read or listen to that to scare the rest of us, thanks. Have some decencies.

Duck Please do take good care of yourself now. You need to heal from this horrified experience. Did he hurt you in any other ways ? Please also consider finding a good GF to go with you and check yourself out in the GUM clinic and all the rest, because you mentioned that he is single.

To me, it sounds like he wore a mask socially and you placed him in a very high pedestal, and maybe he has a very aggressive nature in the sexual department. I would leave this person be and stay away from him when and where you can. You can never know a person truly and what they are like deep in their heart until you see, and live with them every day. This man obviously is a bit psycho-pathic. I would just definitely stay away from him.

Gering Your post is vile. I don't think you're a woman at all. Your glee in the face of somebody else's pain absolutely sickens me. I'm glad other posters have told you to STFU.

Amongst others, UnlikelyAmazonian's post is really helpful.

Duck You know what he is now, there are no doubts left in your mind so put him out of it. Even if you tell yourself that you're getting him out of your head 'just for a while', make good use of that time and get counselling to protect yourself from ever doing anything like this again.

You need time to sort yourself out, determine the direction you're going to go. There is help available out there, find it and grab it with both hands. Best wishes to you.

I have begged and pleaded with friends who have gone down the path of an affair, because I have so often seen one end without this kind of damaging realisation. And they have all ignored me!! I am getting a bit fe dip of picking up the pieces, to tell the truth! No matter how much people think feelings won't get involved, they do... And it's devastating.

I do think we need to acknowledge this pain on Mumsnet. I'm not saying that there isn't devastation on the part of the wife as well. Of course there is... unimaginable pain and betrayal (I have never cheated, but I have been cheated on by a long term partner, so I do speak from experience). But I sometimes think we demonise the OW, as a way of not demonising the weak, pathetic men who do this. It seems to be part of an urge to compete for male attention, rather than devaluing the men who do this as not worth a breath.

It's possible that this 'Man' has said whatever horrible things to you to alleviate his guilt at having a affair with a married woman.
Affairs are wrong and they are started for all kinds of reasons that mean something to the people involved. You cant help the way you feel, However you and you alone have to deal with the fall out from it.
I can kind of understand the point of view about not telling your DH, what people don't know cant hurt them and why should he/your family hurt just to ease your guilt? however there is the possibility that it all could come out at a later date and the hurt will probably be even worse but these are the risks you take when an affair takes place.

Like others have said its time to take a hard, honest look at your life and do something productive with the bits you dont like.

Struggling I agree with you there. To me, it is always best to talk the feelings out and to explore it than to go ahead and do something which can harm yourself and your own soul deeply. The pain stays with you for a long while. Until you block it out in some ways.

I agree with the poster who said you have been preyed on. He has lured you into an affair & then spat in your face. He sounds absolutely vile.

I'm really grateful for the number of thoughtful responses, sympathetic or otherwise. Though I own my role as perpetrator, I need to sort out this pain - and not see myself as a victim, which is hard as I feel heartbroken. I love him, which is pathetic and stupid. Totally agree re counselling and have a session scheduled in. Just such breathtaking pain, and no legitimate outlet. What total insanity to wilfully do this.

You're not the first and you certainly won't be the last. Sometimes it takes something like this to realise what really matters and who matters. Life moulds you sometimes you don't mould it. To the haters, I've said it before and I'll say it again, we all live in glass houses and everyone has dirty windows!!

I think that it is good that you wrote this, for all sorts of reasons.

At the beginning of it, I thought that perhaps you were the single one, and the OM was married. Now I see that it is the other way round.

But I am surprised that throught out this thread, you have not mentioned your DH once. Or whether you have kids too.

I am getting a slight unease, that this is still all about you in some way. Or have I got that all wrong?

[you did mention family. When I originally read that I thought you meant your mum or brother or something. Perhaps you meant your DH and child]

Perhaps some will only feel happier when Duck lies on a bed of nails.

FFS, have you never made a mistake??

I have a husband, and I have children. I could talk about them on this thread, but I don't want to. What I have done wd destroy them. What I have done is destroying me. What a dreadful, me. So many truisms about affairs exist - but how painful finding out it's all right.