If you are tempted to have an affair, please read this

[duckandcover]

Take it from me: you'll destroy your sanity, you will not be able to look at your family, and the other man? He might just hate you all along: HATE you but still fuck you anyway. I don't believe men fuck married women they don't despise at least a little. And I have found this out tonight. Don't think that loving you and wanting you are the same thing. I wd do anything to get back the innocence I had a few months ago - but now? OM has given it to me both guns and it is horrible. And no less than I deserve. Please please think about this before you do anything. I don't care if anyone lays into me here, I could not hate what I've done or myself any more than I do. The only way this can be worthwhile is to let others know: your OM might utterly despise you, even whilst they're fucking you.

blue - he's a first-rate psychopath. And I would stake my life on the fact all he feels tonight is mild irritation that the 'fun' is over.

What caused him to turn nasty? I stand by my above point that you can't really know someone within an affair. It takes a while after all, the humdrum of getting up, having a crap, getting the kids breakfast etc.

lord you are of course right - affairs are pie-in-the-sky. My lovely specimen had been a persistent friend for many years - a professional colleague whom I admired. Whose 'love' I therefore took at face value. But tonight I have had so much thrown back at me - it's like he's been keeping his own little catalogue of how evil I am to offset against the day is ask anything of him and our (amazingly, pathetically, deluded) 'love.'

I, not is. Ridiculous woman.

I have always thought there is often a element of mutual subconscious bad feeling towards affair partners.

OP - I have experienced that nasty, abusive, vile spouting from a man too!

Only it was from the husband I adored for 11 years, just before he left me for OW.

Your OM sounds like he must really hate women. He sounds seriously damaged.

Without knowing all the details I am sure your dh is not a completely innocent party

heartshaped - that IMO is an uneducated sweeping statement! The OP hasn't even mentioned her 'D'H. What makes you come to that assumption? Do you really think DWs and DHs are not innocent parties when you choose to enter into an affair with them or is that how you justify sleeping with another woman's husband?!

OP, it's all about 'ownership' of women. You're a married woman, and he saw that as being in competition with another male. You're right - he despises women.

I despise the way these threads ALWAYS have sympathy for the woman. Had a man posted this OP the responses would be so different.

I also note the double standards. The post about the Dh not being an innocent party is particularly unpleasant. No one makes you have an affair, not ever.

Unfortunately Op , once you've stopped stinging you'll have to examine what it is about you that led you in this direction. Not pleasant but totally necessary.

heartshaped has an axe to grind. She is an OW who has been dumped. I did have some sympathy for her. Not now.

OMs who are players must on some level despise women in general

I agree with blueshoes

Tooold this is a site for women.

Lots of women are royally fucked over by men. This is where they can tell it. Like it is.

I don't know the OP's previous history, or how long this OM thing has been going on.

Nor do I care.

I hear a woman who is howling in pain because a man has royally fucked her over.

I know that pain.

She's flagellating herself.

If posters can't say something helpful or soothing to such an agonised opening post, then don't say anything at all.

It's possible he hates you but I doubt that has anything to do with you per se, it's probably his overall attitude and beliefs about women in general or maybe as so often seems to be the case -he just lacked empathy for both you and his DW which makes his behaviour to you tonight feel psychopathic - who knows?

I speak as someone who knows by the way - knows what it's like to feel hated by my DH but that was a long time ago now, so I won't give you a hard time. You're doing that to yourself and it won't help duck, really it won't.

So if OM hadn't given it to you 'both barrels' would you have still posted your comment or carried on? I have no sympathy. Hope the sex was worth it.... Somehow I don't think it was

Good people do bad things and all sorts of people make mistakes. Feeling pain whether you have brought it on yourself or not is awful.

All you can do now OP is dal with it from today - I don't know your situation or what you want to do but you need to calm down and plan how you want your life to be from now on.

Get counseling.

Whatever this mans motivations are either during the affair or now being so vile are in the past now don't obsess, focus on yourself and getting through this time and of course your family.

Good luck it will get better!

I feel so sorry for you experiencing the pain you describe.

But, I can't understand the shock of "discovering" that this man is capable of such cruelty. You know he's been treating his wife like this throughout your affair.

I don't have an axe to grind. Ducks OP seemed very desperate and I saw no need to twist the knife. Though I do believe generally that affairs do not always happen solely because of the actions of one/two selfish individuals (though clearly in my case that appers to be true). There's often a much more complex path that would lead someone to this course of action.

heartshaped what guidelines can you give me to prevent my partner cheating on me?

I don't condone affairs. I do think affairs start because something is lacking in someone's life. It might be that the fault lies in the individual (I.e. They lack any loyalty or sense of morality etc) but often their needs are not being met and it's not always about sex. I think it's hard work meeting the needs of another person or yourself throughout life and especially when children come into it. Having an affair doesn't solve whatever the problem is...it just puts a screen around it so that you don't look at the problem properly. It's also very unfair on the partner who, when they find out, suffer huge betrayal. Their needs were probably not met as well and yet they loyally stuck in it. OP isn't focusing on that at the moment just on her own feelings. I suspect pulling that screen away is making her view it all and blaming him is easier than examining yourself.

heartshaped - you believe what you like in order to justify your own actions but to say to OP that you doubt that her DH is not truly innocent here based on no information at all - is a sweeping statement that makes no sense except for you projecting from your own twisted experience!

Read the threads on here from DWs who have been betrayed, who have been left with DCs and struggling financially then see if you are justified in spouting rubbish that has nothing to back it up!

OP - I'm sorry to derail.

Not at all handfull - no point starting a thread if I don't have the balls to write the truth, the guts to actually listen and absorb and the interest in actually thinking about what the fuck goes on with the world to make people treat themselves and others with total disregard for the outcomes.

My OM is single, as if it makes a difference. To him I suspect that makes him an angelic victim who is entitled to make me feel like shit and tell him just how disgusting I have made him feel.

He doesn't respect you because you're a married woman. He knows that every time you're with him you're lying, cheating, betraying your dh and dc. It is pretty unattractive. I'm sorry you're feeling bad but to be totally honest, it was inevitable that the negativity of that type of behaviour would infiltrate and poison your relationship with om.