hello all. I'm hoping this is an ok place to unload/offload?
I've been struggling with my childhood for a long time, even as a child I knew there were things that weren't right, and felt different and ashamed a lot of the time.
My DM and dad had a very volatile relationship, him being an alcoholic who could be charming, funny, incredibly clever and articulate, but also violent, lying, a thief... everything you'd expect from an alcoholic really.
His depression was badly controlled, and several times during my childhood I watched him try to take his own life. One time, I think (not sure if my memories are all correct), that he made me watch, locking me in a porch while he ran the hose into the car window and revved the engine. Other times I remember screaming through car windows and pulling the hose out. He (obviously) didn't succeed, and my DM brushed off the attempts as him not coping, but he'd be ok once he'd spoken to the GP.
They finally split when I was 11/12, and he blamed me for the divorce from that point on. (I'm not sure whether he really blamed me, but I was given the blame several times when he became angry/drunk etc). He moved a few miles away and my DB and I visited a couple of evenings a week. If he had been a functioning alcoholic previously, within a few years he ceased to function.
Eventually, contact reduced, until I was 17 and during a visit he became violent towards DB and I. He also revealed he wasn't actually my biological father. My DM confirmed this - she had split with him, became pregnant to a married colleague (though they were in a relationship, and she speaks about it like they planned the baby? It's all a bit of a mystery to me). She then got back together while pregnant with my dad, and they brought me up as if I were his. My younger DB is therefore my half brother.
I stopped contact soon after that. Strangely, him not being my bio-dad was not really relevant in this choice, I just couldn't face the emotional drain any more. My brother also stopped seeing him, although I think he might have continued contact if he'd had me there, as an ally. I will feel guilty forever that this might be the case, and that in making the choice to stop contact, I forced his hand. Dad died about 5 years ago, after about a decade of no contact. He was 61, and drank himself to death, inevitably.
I have no interest really in finding my biological father, who knows quite a bit about me, and knows that I have children myself. He never left his own marriage and has several daughters with his wife. He clearly has the morals of a scummy toad to do what he did to his wife and family.
I don't really know what I want to achieve now - there isn't really any route to closure, no confrontation worth having. I'm very close to my mum, and though I do think a lot of her choices were a bit suspect, she never set out to hurt me. I feel a little bit like collateral damage sometimes.
I guess my questions are what can I do? I need to shake off the crappy self esteem and trust issues I've been left with. I've labelled myself 'weird' from such a young age that I've become it, and I hate that I'm suffering because of things that happened so long ago. I feel I have nothing to gain from bringing it up with DM, especially as I would hate to hurt my DB further. I'm lost.
God, this turned into an essay. I'm so sorry. Sorry also if it makes no sense - I've never really tried to tell the whole story, and I've probably missed out the most important parts. Thanks for reading if you have done.