"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's almost May 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

How awful. She's probably expecting you to start trying to contact her and apologise and try and fix it. I think once she realises you won't, she'll try and make contact and hoover you back in one way or another. You're better off without her in your life, so painful though as its a further realisation that we'll never have the Mum or Dad in my case we long/ hope for.

Welcome to stately homes, I'm sorry that you have to be here but you are in a safe place to post and share any time things get tough.

My family are very quiet right now. It's perfect. Sad really though. I wish I had more support as a lone parent.

Thank you for your post Dontstep. Yes, I think she is expecting me to crawl back to her.

It's reassuring to know I'm not alone in this journey. I spent a long time justifying and downplaying her behaviour.

Sorry to hear you do not have much support currently Dontstep. Hopefully posting on here helps you. Fingers crossed things remain quiet for you with your family. I have a feeling things are only just beginning for me!

muppets for me I'm not sure when I realised about the comments. As a child when my adoptive mother was alive, my father was nice. After she died, and admittedly I was a horrible horrible teen, he started making snide comments which have continued until the present day .... well, when we have any contact at all that is.

the problem with snide comments is that they are so hard to pin down and say what you object to about them particularly when they're by someone you've been brought up to respect. (oh how I hate him sometimes, though i try hard not to. For MY sake, not his).

They really undermine you don't they, long term.

Essex ... if your Narc parent was treated badly by their parents, by their spouse and has had mental health problems are you meant to have compassion? I think that you can have compassoin at one level while still drawing lines and saying clearly "no, this behaviour is not ok. it really isnt". People like this tend to provoke conflicting and difficult emotions and as far as I can see (maybe someone wiser has a better solution!) the best way to deal with it is by accepting that there's a gut reactoin, a fury and hurt, and then a more cerebral reactoin. In othe words, you can't help how you feel, but you can step back and see the more complicated picture ... but you also do not have to put up with the very bad behaviour. You can draw lines and say No More.

About the headspace thing ... sigh, this gets me too. specially in the deep dark hours of the night. So damn annoying as it doesn't achieve anyhthing. I think that time and talking over the bad stuff with someone you can trust, sometimes over and over again, are the best options.

boris it sounds to me like she's playing Divide and Conquor too. very hurtful, not least the realisation that the unconditional love just isnt unconditional; that the price of being loved is being dominated by the parent.

Are your sister and brother wise to her ways?

mome ... .

Yes, think you're right meerka. She's fine with anyone if they go along with her. I just wonder if her new bf wonders why my mum doesn't speak to her dp's or siblings and now one of her daughters- I'm pretty sure it will be everyone else's fault, she a helpless victim who's done nothing wrong.

My sis is keen to distance herself from her also and hasn't heard from her for a while. DB more favoured in his adult years and initially got pulled in by her but talking to him the other day, he seems to be realises she not the victim she says she is.

It's just so hurtful. It's like she has no awareness of her actions/behaviours on others. It is hard to accept that her love is a conditional type of love and partners and her own needs will always come before anyone else's.

Am I being harsh in not contacting her?

I dont think you are being harsh no. I don't think the word 'harsh' is really what it's about.

Your children want to retain a relationship with their (step) grandfather. That is absolutely reasonable and normal. Their grandmother says 'either him or me". Given that she is plain nasty and rather scary, the only reasonable choice is to the s'grandfather.

The bond to a mother is very strong but she is critical, judgemental and not intersted in you as well as manipulative and notably mean, in both senses of mean. I think if you contact her, it'll be taken as playing her game. If you do feel you want to, I would give it a long time so that she realises that you are not playing her game - 8 - 12 months.

Also it sounds like you simply do not want to contact her again and frankly if you don't want to, that should carry a lot of weight.

How is she with your children? attilla has some wise words on parents who are poisonous to their children, and how they are with grandchildren...

By the way, her new BF could probably do with looking up signs of toxic people ... a mother not talking to any of her children plus a 'poor me' attitude has big red flags!

She's not been hugely involved in my childrens lives meerka. She'll pop and see them but hasn't ever taken them out. Will look after them if I asked but tried not to. I know there were times when she disapproved of my parenting and thinks my kids have too much (they don't). If she comes round and my dd asks her to go to her room my mum will literally go up there for 10 mins and then come back down and sit on sofa! When we went to center parcs recently to celebrate my sisters birthday, my dm rarely joined in eg: came into swimming pool area but just sat on chair reading newspaper rather then playing/spending time with all her grand kids who were there.

She's more involved with my dsis and db's kids, especially my db's daughter who's only 18 months. She'll have her sleep over etc.

I imagine her excuse for being less inv

I imagine her excuse for being less involved with my kids is because we live a few more miles away then dband dsis!

My kids dont really ask about her- they have asked to see their step grandad but not her!

Anyone else get to now and start stressing about Fathers Day?

Well, my dm tried to call me earlier! She then tried again and left a message saying she hadnt seen me or heard from me recently, could i meet her today and that she had some money for me! Then, whilst i was picking kids up from school she turned up at my house when my husband was here. She just walked in! Dh gave her very short, sharp replies to her questions and she then went asking dh to ask me to call her.

What do i do now? So bloody confused!

My advice? Nothing at all.

Does she have a key? I'd change the locks.

No, she not got key Dontstep. We tend to keep our door unlocked in day if one of us is here. Must remember to lock it though from here on!

I've posted before about going nc with my absent father, then he phoned out of the blue.

He's on his way here for a visit, it'll be the first time I've seen him in 2 years and the first time in a decade seeing him alone.

I'm stupidly nervous, he'll be here by 11. Wish me luck...

Boris - i agree that your mum obviously wants you to beg her forgiveness and tow the line. She seems to have realised you weren't just going to call her, so now she is trying to involve your dh and bribe you. If she genuinely wanted you to have the money, no strings attached, she could've dropped it off without demanding to meet up.

It is upsetting to realise that your mum does not give you the unconditional love that society expects. My mum dropped me like a hot potato when i finally had enough. I knew she cared about herself more, but i did expect some hoovering to get me back where she wanted me. But no, nothing. Sounds like your mum will try to push you back in line however she can. Just try to remember that her behaviour is not a reflection on you. This is down to her issues, not yours

Good luck Balls.

Thanks Mome.

He's just left and I'm in shock. He's apologised for being absent and a shit dad. I may post again later when I'm a bit calmer.

My Dad has never apologised in his life. So I can probably understand a little how it must feel right now. I'm working from home today, so I'll be here to listen later, when you feel ready or if talking helps process it all.

I'm drunk, still processing. He offered a mea culpa to some of the crap I went through as a kid. Worsens.

balls is he saying sorry to make you feel better? Or himself?

What's your gut feeling?

Don't make any rash promises, let the dust settle and see what happens next.

Very tempting to rush things, for a gazillion reasons, but no reaction is the best reaction.

Poker face time!

Hissy I'm not sure. My overriding feeling about some of it is [imagine shouting] 'Why the fuck were you not sorry 10/20/30 years ago?'.

He looked genuinely shocked to hear that my SF beat my DM. Which makes her a bit of a liar. I quite enjoyed the shock, TBH.

I am cautiously optimistic about the future. Note 'cautious'.

I felt like this with my sister. A couple of months on, she's putting in effort and although early days... bridges are in construction.

Parents, not so much.

I'm sober now :) and have started to process what happened.

We went to a pub for lunch. Dad started apologising for missing 20 years of my life, and said although he can't make up for it, he'd like to make things better between us from now on.

He acknowledged the pain he'd caused me by some of his decisions, and apologised. I was honest with him, and told him I'd thought of going no-contact recently. He listened. I wasn't on my usual 'best behaviour' mode, and spoke openly about what he did and its' impact on me and DSis, and how shit my childhood was. [He says he didn't know about the dv I witnessed.] He expressed regret for cheating on my ex-SM - DM had previously cheated on him. And for not looking after me and DSis like he should have. He acknowledged that he'd concentrated on his wives and sidelined us.

In hindsight, it struck me that he's had some kind of personal realisation. I don't know why, whether he's had counselling or whatever, but it was good to hear him being honest for once. He sounded like he realised that he's fallen seriously short, and wants to be a better man.

At points he had tears in his eyes. He didn't cry at his mum's funeral. The only time I have ever seen him with wet eyes was at my second (happy, unlike the first) wedding.

I cried last night for how our relationship could have been. I'm experiencing a weird mix of emotions. Happiness because the dad I met yesterday was a more honest, open and loving man than I've ever seen him. Sadness for what has gone before. Frustration that he didn't realise this years ago. And hope for the future, but fear that it's just a flash in the pan.

We'll see :) Apologies for mega-post!

That's a big deal. Are you trying not to get your hopes up now?

I dare say that's exactly how balls feels.

balls: for now do nothing. He's spoken the words, now let him make the moves. Actions. Remember?

Relax. Either way it will be ok.

I'm feeling more settled than I have for years. I spent over 30 years thinking there was something wrong with me, and it was incredibly powerful to hear him admit it was something wrong with him. I called DM today (it's her birthday) and told her about our meeting, and she got all happy-teary. While my DSF said 'it's about bloody time'.

I've had a text, in reply to one I sent him by accident.

You're right Hissy, it will be okay.