"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's almost May 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Thank you, that's helpful. I have a lovely therapist who I've seen for a few years. I mentioned forgiveness to her, and she said that there are some things or some people that it's impossible to forgive. I wondered whether that was the usual "thing". I feel like id be over it quicker if I forgive them and move on.

I don't know where to start so for now I would just like to let off steam by giving a great big screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaammmmmm for the way my parents treat me. They are so wrapped up in their own world they can't see the hurt they cause

I don't know if forgiveness is ever impossible. I simply don't know. Some things do seem it, but it's not a question of how big the evil is, sometimes, it's a question of what's best for the person who survives or the people nearby who have to face the loss of someone they love. Sometimes people forgive utterly horrible things because it's best for them. Sometimes they don't, becaues that's what's best for -them-. Er. I'm rambling again. I guess it's just what suits that person ... in its own time.

keekee welcome. We're here and ready to listen when you feel like speaking.

I'm getting married for the second time in a few weeks time and my parents have shown no interest from the start. All my mum has said about the wedding is that she is not going to buy something new to wear as she won't wear at again so there's no point - fine, wear what you like.

It was my Birthday last week and no-one in my family bothered to phone me and even when I spoke to my mum on the phone today she didn't even mention it or ask whether I'd had a good day! I am 42 years old so maybe that's a bit petty.

When I asked her if her and my dad would like to come back home after the wedding reception for nibbles and drinks I heard my dad say in the background 'no we will have had enough by then'! My mum said they don't like to socialise - that would explain why they don't have any friends then! I put the phone down on my mum and it took me half an hour to call back to say that I understood their decision. It is my son's birthday party this weekend so I had to make amends as he would be devastated if they didn't come. It sounds pathetic now I have written it down, but after years of being put down, let down, ignored, emotionally abused and manipulated it feels like the icing on the cake!

And then my mum went on to tell my all about their house move, as if we had never had the conversation that I was hurt they wouldn't continue with our celebrations. In answer my mum said - well we are coming to the wedding!

Don't come then if it is such a chore!!!...............can anyone tell I am pre-menstrual??

keekeeblue

I hope that your wedding goes off smoothly.

I would leave your antisocial parents alone, don't bother calling them.

Am I right in thinking you are still seeking their approval on some level?.

BTW my parents would do, say and have done similar to what you describe in your post and my counsel to you would be to detach from them totally and expect nothing of or from them because you will not get what you want from them.

If your parents are that disinterested I would be considering if your son actually benefits from having any sort of relationship with his nan and granddad at all. Children need positive and life affirming role models; not miserable old sticks who pour scorn on and over his mother and her plans even if they are grandparents. How old is your son, does he really have much of a relationship with his grandparents or is he really being treated as poorly as you have been?. He is certainly seeing you get upset at their hands.

thank you Attila. I think I am still seeking some sort of approval from them. I am studying at college for myself first but also on some level to show them that I am worth something and I am clever and I can get on in life. Why after all these years do I need their approval? Unfortunately I can't let that go.....

I think you are right that although my DS (he's 10) loves his grandparents seeing me upset and treated badly by then is not health for him...I think it will benefit us all by trying to have less and less contact with them

Keekee - MIL said the exact same thing about our wedding, that she wasn't going to buy anything new as it wasn't worth it. She also said our wedding wasn't as special as her DDs but the telling thing is: she wasn't invited to her own DDs wedding. Now why is that? Mmmmm!

keekee I didnt invite my parents either, man that was such a good decision.

Sadly its impossible to earn the approval of people who seem to have a vested interest in not approving of you for their own screwed up reasons.

But a qualification or degree is well worth it for your own sake =)

Agreed though if they are not treating you well, your son should not have to see that.

keekee I wouldn't blame you for not inviting them to the wedding.

I'm in a bit of shock. Dad texted me then called, we spoke for an hour. He apologised for being useless at keeping in touch. And he's said he'll come up in a couple of weeks, we've arranged a date and everything. I'm confused.

keekee

We actually went abroad instead for many and varied reasons. We had two witnesses at our wedding; the man who took the photos and the wedding organiser.

My Dad did originally make some quip about having the wedding on a Thursday because it would be cheaper!. His attempt at a joke fell somewhat flat.

I found the excerpt helpful previously so hopefully it may help a bit with yourself:-

"The way things are structured when we are young, we seek our parents' approval to learn about life and build our confidence. Living every day of our life around them makes them almighty gods for us and we do everything within our tiny power to get their approval.

It is amazing how many grownups looking for emotional relief are in fact in the approval trap, as if they are caged inside that childhood belief that their existence depends on what their parents think of them.

At the beginning, it starts as a way for us to define who we are and forms an integral part of our socialization process. Our parents give us their approval of things they consider right and disapproval of things they consider wrong. Eating with your fingers at the age of 2 is cute. At the age of 3, it is met with "Not with your hands, sweetie. Here, take this spoon". When you are 5 years old and you play with your food, it brings on loud disapproval from your parents.

Our parents' approval may not be essential to our existence, but it quickly becomes essential to our emotional development.

However, instead of using approval as a socializing tool and a way to teach independent thinking, some parents use approval as a way to control their kids".

ballsballsballs

I would be very careful with regards to your Dad. How reliable has he been to date?.

Attila

He's fine when we arrange a specific date and time (which we have). But utterly shit at generalisations e.g. 'I'll call you more often', 'we must meet' etc.

Loving today's voicemail message to dhs phone Normal saga of "dunno why u not talking to me, dunno what I have done, love u, bye" in the usual monotone voice. It would be funny if it wasn't so desperately sad!

Do these people not realise its not "what they have done" it's about the loads of things they have and haven't done. There comes a point when people cba to listen to it all over and over, and in turn see those people repeating bad behaviours that were promised not to happen again.

Just glad we swapped phones just hope she doesn't get her claws into our landline tonight. .

unplug it, accidentally like

A name change - as i have moved from London to Essex, and a small update. The last time i posted i was shaking - i thought that i had finally had the row to end all rows and go NC with with my mother, i didn't want to post the exact detail at the time - but basically, i'm an only child and so is my mother. Her father died recently and I was his legal POA (as my mother was sectioned) and my mother his executor - and he had requested that his ashes be scattered in a place near to where he was born/brought up - he hated graveyards, when i tried to explain that he needed to make his final wishes legal and that he couldn't rely on my mother to carry them out - he couldn't believe that she would go against what he wanted.

It helps me to type this out btw, so after he died and she did go against what he wanted - she wanted a grave to visit and after biting my tongue for a few times - i uttered 'but its not what he wanted' and we had an almighty row and i posted here thinking that we were now NC.

Only not - she called me up a couple of weeks later like nothing had happened, and then a couple of weeks later was a bit threatening in insisting that i had to take my baby to visit her (for a day and many hours for us to travel) because 'she had something to tell me that she couldn't possibly say over the phone' - i work fulltime - 40 hours with 30 minutes break and 1.5 hours commute each way during the week, so a 5-6 hour drive on the saturday isn't something i relish the idea of. But she's totally refusing to tell me what this thing is, she will only tell me 'that someone i don't know, has advised her to tell me, and she assumes that means in person' - is that crazy or does it fall under FOG?

I suspect she's yanking your chain, Essex. But there's just the chance that it's something important.

So could you either tell her that she will have to come to you via public transport, or that it will have to wait until you have the spare time? Or she can, ofc, tell you over the phone or by letter.

She has four reasonable options there.

But as I said, there's a very good chance she's coming up with something dramatic in order to get you jumping to her tune again.

Can I please join you? It's taken me a few years to start forgiving my mum for things that have happened in the past but always fall for her cries for attention.

I always take things at face value and like to see the best in people - so when she dangles bait, I always bite.

I've read some really great advice from similar threads in the past regarding getting her to change her tone of voice when speaking moaning to me (as she makes me feel it's all my fault) and arranging a future time to talk about things sensibly rather than just rowing.

I end up just not talking to her for months at a time and last time was quite traumatic for DS a we didn't see her for about 9 weeks and he loves her coz she gives him chocolate

Any advice would be so gratefully accepted!

Ps she used to buy me French designer dresses

Essex: do you know if she did the cremation/scattering? If not then leave it.

"Nothing you have to say Mother is worth the effort it'd take me to come to hear it from you, if you want to say something, go ahead, otherwise, you know where I am"

sezam please stop the contact between your M and your DS.

Atilla has better words for this, but upshot is, if you find her too toxic for you at times, then she is always too toxic for your DC.

Hi sezam

If your mother is too difficult/toxic for you to deal with she is certainly too toxic for your both vulnerable and defenceless child. These people do not make for being good grandparents, infact some of them should really not be allowed any access to their grandchildren. She will in time do similar behaviour to your son as she has done and continues to do to you. It does not do him any favours at all for him to see his mum so badly mistreated and used.

"I always take things at face value and like to see the best in people - so when she dangles bait, I always bite".

Your mother knows that and uses that against you to her own advantage.

I would seriously consider going NC with your mother and this time do so on a permanent basis.

Essexmummy123,

Sounds like your mother is yanking your chain again, the woman demands an audience. It is likely to be something that could easily have been imparted over the phone (does she think these are being tapped or something) particularly as she says it is from someone you do not know!.

You would not tolerate any of this from a friend, do not give any such power to your mother.

"But she's totally refusing to tell me what this thing is, she will only tell me 'that someone i don't know, has advised her to tell me, and she assumes that means in person' - is that crazy or does it fall under FOG?"

Honestly I would not bother to visit her. FOG partly drives you to make such a visit.

Re this comment:-

"Her father died recently and I was his legal POA (as my mother was sectioned) and my mother his executor - and he had requested that his ashes be scattered in a place near to where he was born/brought up - he hated graveyards, when i tried to explain that he needed to make his final wishes legal and that he couldn't rely on my mother to carry them out - he couldn't believe that she would go against what he wanted".

Why did he refuse to believe that his own daughter could behave like that?. Denial on his part?.

Atilla and Hissy

The problem that I have is that we live so close, and so to go NC, would require real effort to avoid her.

She's never willing to help herself and drinks far too much and so I'm constantly frustrated that she has complaints about her life but never does anything to change it. Then she decides to tell me she want to kill herself and I have the stress o wondering if she will or not. It's like she needs mothering and I unable to do it for herself.

Her mum wasn't very good with her (but was a fantastic, loving Grandma to us) - and she often implies she does things to me a her mum did it to her.

It's like she can't help but want to get a bit of revenge on her mum by being nasty with me.

It had gotten better, but then she's also done some things which can't be undone and I'll never forgive her for.

She keeps mentioning that she's like I move away and I keep encouraging her to (but I know really, she never will).

So hard. I live in a rural town and it is the best place to bring my DS up - lovely school, lots of countryside, lot of good friends for both of us - but I would so like to have a few hundred miles between me and mum!!!

You've managed 9wks NC, sezam try harder! :)

No chocolate (bribery) tell your ds about gifts only being gifts if they're without conditions.

This is your life and your child. According to your DM, she is repeating to you what was done to her? Wtaf?

Her dm was nice to you to get AT her. Your DM is 'nice' to yours to get AT you.

YOU are your child's ONLY protection. Woman up and protect them by putting your foot down, refusing chocolate, establishing boundaries and refusing to allow abuse/criticism/lack of respect.

Insist on apologies before resumption of the same ol' shit.

You won't get any, so you end up achieving NC