"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's almost May 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Balls, you poor love he sounds horrible and pretty useless.

caulk it might be better to let it drift. Unless you feel a need for your own sake to formally draw a line, keeping it low key is less likely to provoke a fight.

If they contact you about the weekend you can simply not reply (which may lead to a flurry of calls) or calmly and distantly say that you found it unacceptable and don't wish to discuss it further.

balls Im sorry to hear about your father. It sounds unrewarding and you deserve a lot better. From your post you implied you have a husband, he sounds much more your family than your father. Do you get on well with your sister?

Thanks Caulk :)

Meerka DH and I have been having problems (he's an alcoholic) but he's a very kind, loving man when sober (drunk, he's just distant). My XH (and various XBFs) were abusive. DSis and I are close, thankfully. Apparently Dad has left a message for her saying 'we need to talk'. Which probably means wife no. 4 is on her way.

oh dear :s

Nothing wrong, apparently. He's just missing DSis and her kids, so is going to drive several hundred miles soon to see her for a day. I live 20 miles away from him but I'm not bitter, oh no. Sigh.

Hi, can I join? I'll post my story later on as am at work at the moment but wanted to post so I didn't loose this thread again as I've seen and heard about it many times and even the title resonates with me.

Cuppa, the irony is I actually take my dcs to visit stately homes!

I quite like stately homes.

I am lady of the manor! No wait that's my mum! Ho ho!

Welcome Cuppa!

So, in the process of moving house and looks like we will be completing in around 2 weeks time. Dilemma: whether to send parents my new address or not.

I plan to send my dad a Father's Day card, but the only contact we really have now is the occasional card. Part of me thinks better to hear it from me than another family member. And also might be less stressful for my brother, who finds all this very hard. Guess he would find it awkward to keep a secret like this.

Tho' part of me wonders whether this would lead to morre emotional blackmail for my brother. Eg my dad crying at how he didn't know before, doesn't know anything sbout the new house, upset to just get a note etc etc. Also, is sending my new address like inviting mum to write to me? Is it callous to just send a 'We've moved house' card with nothing but the new address on?

Weirdly, when I first went NC with mum, i longed for the day when i could move somewhere where she didn't know where i lived. Now the time has come, I just feel indifferent. They will never have my phone number, but i will probably send them my address.

Ha! Know what you mean about the address. I was really pleased to have kept the new landline a secret for a year, but then she asked me (and made it into a whole PA, what if I fall in the night type thing) and I didn't think fast enough. Grr. But that year was fab :)

I didn't tell my mum my new number a few years ago. After about a fortnight of not being able to contact me, she rung my work to check whether I was dead or not. Because I worked then with "special" individuals, they passed it on to her.

For the last year, my parents still have my current landline no, but have only tried it 2-3 times. But it has caller ID so we just ignored. I changed my mobile no just before I went NC so that has never been a problem.

My address seems bit different though. In the first couple of months I would collect the post with dread in case mum had written an awful letter etc (she only sent one, at beginning of NC, but it still worried me). Then after that I got on with my life and didn't give it a second thought. I probably will give my new address, but wish that i didn't feel as though i 'have' to

Milly, don't make any definitive decisions yet,get your move out of the way and then see how you feel.

you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, remember?

My DM has received the message I sent. but has of course completely ignored it.

All i got was a 'glad you are both home' message, with no reference to anything.

typical.

second not deciding now, milly. no hurry.

hissy nothing like an ostrich playing at being a mother, is there. Its hard to believe she can ignore everything that happened before chrismas. any normal family that would be a huge thing.

Thanks, you are right about not having to decide yet

Hi - I seem to have realised, there doesn't seem to be anything you can do to change these type of people. Has anyone ever had someone with these issues change?

It feels like I'm always going round in circles and never getting anywhere.

Bedtime well spotted! They don't/won't change.

Maddening isn't it?

If you let go, stop waiting for them to be normal, detach and stop relying on them for any kind of support/validation, it won't make them change, but it will help you to be unaffected by their crap.

Balls - your DF sounds so much like mine!

Caulk - bless you! I don't think your parents deserve anything more from you other than your silence. Well I actually think your df deserves to be in prison, despicable man .

Bedtime - this is the realisation I've had. Started my therapy yesterday. Therapist seems really good and I feel quite positive about it. The main thing to come out of it was I need to find a way of grieving for my lack of a DF iykwim as I know he ain't for changing. Twat, useless shit, selfish bastard. His life has been all about HIM.

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness recents. Does anyone have any advice/suggestions/experiences of either forgiving parents or managing not not forgive but also not hold a grudge that then effects other things?

WAY too early for forgiveness caulk, you first have to accept and understand the full extent of what's happened to you, see it for what it was, and know that it's no reflection on you as a person.

bedtime when parents are so unpleasant that their children end up talking on this thread, the parent in question doesnt change. There may be rare exceptions.

But usually people have tried and tried to get thru to their parents and have given up in despair.

dirty really good if you have a good therapist. Therapy is a difficult journey, good luck with it.

caulk this is something I struggle with a lot, forgiveness. Dont think I really know what it is. And the anger (which is something else I struggle with) doesnt help me. Chatted a while back with talkingintheDark about this actually. Someone linked this website a while back which has a very interesting take on forgiveness. YOu said you were a church goer and the usual Christian view is that you must forgive full stop, all the onus is on you no matter what. This site puts a more complex view forward with NT references. Maybe helpful?

But yes, what hissy says. it's far too soon to think of forgiveness becaues you have only just begun to break free. I suspect that you can't forgive until you've actually faced fully the impact of your parents' flaws and misdeeds on yoruself.

when i say 'you' I mean 'anyone' here