"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Thread opener here: webaunty.co.uk/mumsnet/
You may need to right-click and 'unblock' it after downloading it.

It's almost May 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

We all know what bravery it took to walk out! Well done love! Well done!

My mum also found me a burden as a baby and child. There is a section in the book I recommended about the abuse you suffered. I found it useful as I don't want to talk to anyone in rl. You are within your rights never to see them again. Your dad is despicable and your mum chose to have you not the other way round! There are carers provided by the health authority. I am angry at your mum for not protecting your father. I want to hug you.

I see an amazing therapist privately and have done for three years.

I don't talk to friends about it - they don't get it. At all. Thank you for all being so lovely. I'm alone on a train, and will be going to a house alone too, so you are keeping me sane.

Glad to help.

Okay first off, you can't be over it in ten years. I will post more if I am able, but when you are off the train and have had a bit of time to calm.

we are here all the time, caulk, and it's a place where you can say things that usually have to be kept hidden. You're safe here.

mumbles ok cant resist supporting what hissy said. it must have taken enormous courage to walk out.

You were justified and more than justified.

I walked out and then sat in a cafe got two hours until the train came with my phone constantly ringing.

I was raped at new year and through reporting the to the police I've realised how wrong loads of stuff was when I grew up. This was te first time i had seen them since then.

I walked out and then sat in a cafe got two hours until the train came with my phone constantly ringing.

I was raped at new year and through reporting the to the police I've realised how wrong loads of stuff was when I grew up. This was te first time i had seen them since then.

I walked out and then sat in a cafe got two hours until the train came with my phone constantly ringing.

I was raped at new year and through reporting the to the police I've realised how wrong loads of stuff was when I grew up. This was te first time i had seen them since then.

Stupid phone. Sorry!

Back in "my city".
Thank you for everyone's support. I really appreciate it.

Hi everyone I'm just checking in. Just namechanged to make my debut here. I have been on MN for years and knew Stately Homes was for me as soon as it appeared, but have just lurked and not felt up to it.

I will join in gradually...

Welcome Caulk and Blackcurrant. Caulk i am so sorry to hear about your family. NC defiantely is the way to go - your dad is vile! What a disgusting man! And I am another one who thinks you were really brave to walk out

Good luck today caulk

Yesterday sounds like a bit of a turning point. I hope you're okay today - even proud of yourself, must have taken a lot to stand up to them like that.

hello blackcurrentcat, welcome =)

Well caulk for standing strong and walking out. So sorry for all you went through as a child and for what you are going through presently x

Hope your son is as well as he can be hissy and sorry your shit arsed parents cannot do tge right thing when you so don't need their crap. Can't believe they can compare against uour sons burns, shocking!

Well here I have had 2 full days without phonecalls from mil, let it continue.
The fog has taken over dh somewhat as he is getting the guilt from ignoring her calls. SAys he feels guilty for not having seen her but knows there is no point as she will only further his guilt by mentioning the fact the children are disallowed from seeing her and in his eyes he believes she is only interested in seeing dc.

could some explain NC to me? How it worked for them and maybe how they feel afterwards?

In my case, I wrote a letter to my parents explaining how my mum's behaviour towards my dcs was unacceptable, outlining which bits in particular. My dad started texting and emailing DH about my lack of grip on reality, needing help as I was damaging my dcs etc... Finally an accusation he made against my DH he turned round and said I made the accusation to get DH to dump me. They had tried for years to make me dump him. My dad wrote a letter back to me denying any abuse by my mum. They turned up just as me and dcs were going out. Isaid we couldn't stay to chat as ds1 had a riding lesson in a few minutes. I got a nasty text message from him as he expected us to cancel it. I also asked them about the accusation as they were running away! DH sent them an email basically telling them the game was up as I had told him what they really thought of him. They are now trying to have a relationship with just dcs. They send a postcard to dcs every six weeks or so. Were unable to send ds2 a birthday card in his own envelope as they had got a card for ds1 as well, even though it isn't his birthday! No money or vouchers. After this I have started remembering how my mum in particular mentally and physically abused me and how a family friend French kissed me at the age of6/7 and they saw a change in my behaviour and did nothing. When I told them they said he was drunk and liked girls! So this is why I don't want to see them again ever. My mum was treating ds2 like she treats me and I had to protect him. I realised how I treat my dcs is so different and I knew that they couldn't be in my life anymore. I am going through the 5 stages of grief and it is very sad. Some days are a struggle but the sadness lies in how much more fun and happier life is without them in it.

Wow. Thank you so much for your honesty. I don't think I could cope with knowing I had made them upset.

Their happiness shouldn't be at the expense of yours. Imagine if your friend was in your situation, what would you say? The self help books say be your own mother, but seeing as we didn't have one I find it too difficult, so I imagine I am my friend. This is classic toxic parenting that your needs are not important compared to the need of the parents. You have every right to be angry, to say I need space, I need to be happy! You don't have to be nc forever. The toxic parents book outlines how to go about change for the better. I promise I am not the author trying to sell a book! You have the strength as you have had the strength to survive your childhood.

I've ordered the book online, thanks for the recommendation.
I'm still so upset, which is stupid as, if I decide to not have contact with them it'll get worse before it gets better.

Your feelings aren't stupid, they count! You can get your telephone provider to block your parents number from ringing you. They may escalate their behaviour when they realise you have changed the status quo of the toxic family ( straight from the book, I have read it so many times I have nearly memorised it!) but that will remind you why you have gone nc. Your dad has broken the law, and your trust. To be upset, or angry or any negative emotion is okay, again I have to remind myself of that!

beginning to stand up to people is the hardest step. It is upsetting, very challenging.

A lot of the feelings are complex; relief and as though a weight has been lifted, plus guilt and regret and sadness.

Some people find it easier to go Low Contact first and see how that goes. Sometimes it goes on to full NC. If you find it isnt something you are happy with, you can get back in touch gradually.

Either way setting boundaries of what you will and won't put up with is a really good thing to do that does leave you feeling way better.

Currently it's visits 2 per year (no overnight stays) and a phone call once a fortnight. Some emails (them to me).

How do people know what the next step is? I'm not sure whether to speak to them about this weekend, or just to ignore it and drift into less and less contact.

Hello, I hope you don't mind if I join you? I'm thinking of going total NC with my father. Sorry for mahoosive post.

I think he has narcissistic tendencies. Very loving until my parents divorced. Then didn't bother turning up when he said he would or paying child support. When he found out DM was being beaten by DSF he told her he'd get Social Services. Note, not that he'd take us on. DSis and I weren't invited to his second wedding.

When I was 15 DM, DSF and my siblings moved away so my parents could take a job opportunity. I was doing exams so stayed. But he didn't want me and I ended up lodging with a family 'friend'. When that broke down I wept in front of him and he told me I was hysterical. I ended up staying with my aunt, uncle and cousins.

He divorced my Stepmum when I was in my 20's after meeting an OW. He promised we'd be invited to the wedding, but we weren't. He openly prefers my sister, buying her nicer gifts and visiting her more often. He's offered her money to help with her hideous divorce, but didn't give a shit about mine. I don't kid myself they have a great relationship, because he offers her a slightly less shitty relationship.

He apparently brags about me to other people. And at my first wedding we had a massive row because I didn't want him to walk me up the aisle.

I realised at Christmas, when I saw all the photos on FB, that DSis and I have spent one Xmas with him in 30 odd years. That day I remember because he shouted at us for being noisy.

At my wedding he asked my oldest friend how long we'd known each other - we'd been friends for over 20 years. I've just finished my second year at university, and he doesn't even know what subject I'm doing. The last time I called him a year ago (on his birthday) was to ask him to help my sister. He told me about his arthritis. Not much interest in my life.

We do birthday and Christmas presents and an annual phone call - but I'm always the one who calls. I've come to realise that we don't have a 'real' relationship, it's a charade. And I can't be bothered with it any more. I would rather he was honest about his neglect / lack of interest than masking it with huge birthday cards 'to my darling daughter'.

I don't have the energy to confront him with his behaviour, because life is All About Him. So I'm just going to stop. I don't know if he'll notice.

Caulk, no advice but