"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's almost May 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Block his number also from your mobile if he is acting like this.

It sounds like your counsellor has a bit of a thing about improving the whole family too, which since your mother's patterns are ingrained is just not going to work.

dirty agreed .. .don't ring!

Looks like this counsellor has a bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

I think you are going to have to find someone else to work with now because she is not really fitting in with your approach.

And as for her suggestion of your mother having therapy with her, well I am sorry but I just snorted with derision at that. Clearly this woman has no idea at all as to how narcissists actually are!.

Well I emailed and said I had bronchitis and was very busy and would be in touch and she sent a really nice message back saying that when a person has a lot on their mind their defenses are down and can get sick and to look after myself. I think she's a nice person and I'm sure she's a good counsellor but, like you all say, I'm not sure she gets that I'm not looking to "fix" my mother or our relationship...that there's no happy ending as far as that goes. I told her I wanted help managing my mother and she seemed to mostly take that on board but at 50 euros a pop I don't have time for her to really catch up. Also, at the end of the day I think I need to work it out myself, learn to believe in myself and fight the FOG myself. Or, is that something a really good counsellor can do, or do I just need to do it myself? The two sessions have helped clarify some things for me, definitely.

A (good) counsellor or therapist can give you insights that are nearly impossible to gain elsewhere- though MN can give some amazingly insightful perspectives at times! Not just sayin' that.

What MN can't do is to gently or not so gently lead people to face the things they are hiding from themselves. A good therapist can do that ... sometimes. If the client is willing to be open to facing themselves.

But frankly Im not sure you need that, gtb. I think that good talks with your brother will do most of the work. Since you were the Golden Child and he was not, he will have perspectives that will really help you (and maybe come as a surprise sometimes) If you are really open to listening to him. Specially as he has a particularly good therapist.

Hello again everyone, thankyou for your previous replies.
attila your most recent reply has really done me some good, i feel like i should have been able to make the connection between Dm and all my relationships much sooner but having it written down has been immensely helpful, and is even a huge relief, i have spent my life thinking i was born an ungrateful misery. Now i realise i was shaped by my environment

meerka Dp and I have had many a talk about intimacy issues and he has had a lot of patience. Deep down i even think there is fear causing an emotional blockage, so im trying to pinpoint why. The help i have had on this thread might mean i can even unravel the issue myself

nearlyready thankyou for the kind words, with this thread and some professional counselling we will both be free from our demons and find out what it is to be secure and happy. I hope you are able to get some peace of mind asap

band thanks so much for the book recommendation.

GoodtoBetter - you're counsellor sounds as though she is focused on improving things between you and your mum, even though you want help managing her. Maybe she does not see them as seperate things. I agree that a good counsellor can really help, but you do sound very insightful yourself already

Yes, you see I don't think things can improve much past what they are now unless my mother admits what a cowbag she was over the years to DH and issues a grovelling apology. At the minute for example I see her but never with DH and she has only visited the house twice I think (including Christmas day) and only when DH not here (apart from xmas day) as it's not fair on him to make him endure someone who treated him so badly and hasn't apologised, here in his own house. But she would never do that, so we have stalemate, I don't think it would even occur to her to do it as it didn't at the time, why would she now?
The other way to improve relationships btw DM and me is for me to detach and not get annoyed/wound up by her. DM isn't going to change, so the only way is to manage her. I think the therapist doesn't quite get that bit and I don't want to be spending 50 euros a week with someone who doesn't quite get it, I have better things to spend it on.

I think I'd feel the same gtb - you're not going for mediation, you're going to help you cope and deal with the situation... I would be going for the same reasons.

Thanks all. Not phoned DF and I won't. I had already blocked his number on mobile but I guess he must have used another one? Does anyone know what kind of message you get if you ring a number you're blocked from? I wonder if he knows I've blocked him?

In addition now ILs have kicked off again. We are LC with me doing weekly emails - updates on the kids etc. then I got a drama queen email and did not reply. I did not send anymore emails. I discussed this with Dh. Then we got a letter addressed to the kids with an SAE. I took it. Showed it to DH who said well its ok for them to write to her isn't it? WTF! Then this morning we got an email from FIL pleading for an update, then MIL phoned DH at work, he put phone straight down. Now he is having a go at me saying I should be sending emails as agreed. GRRRRR! I replied quite neutrally saying we had discussed this, but I'll start sending update emails form now on. I asked what happens if I get another drama queen email?

He was also talking about him getting back in contact with a view to LC visits. I just wonder what the point of it all is actually. She's going to be storing up some shit,

Have just posted on mental health. I wonder if any of you lovely ladies would know:

Have been on sertraline for years and came off a little while ago. But I had to go back on, depression and irritability hit me again like a fecking freight train. Now I'm back on them, I'm noticing possible side effects that I think I'd just grown used to. It's taken the edge of depression but still feeling meh. Here are my side effects ( I think)

Exhaustion (sleeping in pm, also tired after 9 hrs)
Nausea
Jitteriness
Night sweats

I'm going to gps tomorrow and will ask if I can swap but I'm just wondering if there's any point and they're all just as bad as each other?

Dirtypaws

Think that the current level of LC with the ILs needs now to become NC.

The weekly e-mails need to cease, they had their chance and they've blown it. Honestly they are not worth it, any replies you send them could well be seen as a reward by them to bother you even more and they have (a SAE indeed).

Your children as well need positive and emotionally healthy grandparents, not two people who are more than happy to put their son and his wife through the emotional meat grinder to get their own way. And they will stop at nothing to achieve that and have you at each other's throats. Your DHs reaction to all this shows to me anyway that he is still very much in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) with regards to his parents. From what I have read neither his parents or yours are worth the bother because of the sheer amount of anguish they have caused.

Am sorry that I cannot help with your query on medication; hopefully the GP will give you some decent advice.

Attila thank you. I keep thinking NC. I haven't sent the weekly email because I just feel stressed up to the eyeballs and jus don't even want to think about it. Evil witch. I could go on...

I hope I am right here, I don't know where to start but I really struggle at the moment with depression and thought maybe it is good to get off my chest what bothers me so much. I have NC for this as my regular name can out me easily. I know it is very very long but I really needed to get this off me. I don't have many friends in RL and the ones I have, well I don't want them to know about all this. I started from scratch when I moved to this country and I really built a life here. I had a fresh start and that's what I needed.

I never had a good relationship to my 'parents'. I don't really know my biological father, there are pictures of us when I was younger and I was in touch with my paternal grandparents for a while but they moved abroad. They don't have contact to him either. My mother married my step-dad when I was nearly 4. By then she was pregnant with my half sister. She had me when she was 20, despite being her so young we never struggled financially but she just wasn't ready to have children so early and coming to think of it maybe she just wasn't ever ready to have children at all. My sister was adored by everybody and always had the 'privilege' of being the daughter of my mother and my step-dad, while I wasn't the biological daughter of my step-dad. When I was nine I was sent off to boarding school, I wanted to go as life at home was incredibly difficult. Both my parents worked a lot, love was only shown with buying presents et cetera and the little time my parents had was spent with my sister. Being at boarding school was a real blessing for me, I hated going home for the fortnightly weekends and then later monthly weekends.

When I was 12 I tried to commit suicide for the first time at boarding school. I wasn't looking for attention. I genuinely didn't want to live anymore. I had my stomach pumped, spent a night in intensive care and another few days in hospital. My parents didn't come to visit me. My step-dad said on the phone to me: 'If you had died, it would have hurt once badly but never again.' I will never ever forget this. I was treated like an attention-seeking princess in hospital (I had my own horse, went to boarding school - people don't seem to understand that well-off families have issues too.) I was even treated worse when I returned to boarding school. I had therapy sessions (Nobody believed me.) and spent four months in a psychiatry for young people. When I was 13 I left boarding school, I had one supportive head mistress who believed me and questioned my parents. Shorty after my parents didn't let me return to boarding school after the summer holidays. I found out later that this was agreed before the summer holidays and I had to chance to say good-bye. being back at home was horribly, I spend most of my time at school or the horse stable. With 14 I cut my wrists - another suicide attempt and another stay in another psychiatry. Nothing new happened there, my parents told the same old story: 'She has everything bla bla bla.' After a couple months they let me go and I could attend a clinic from 8-4 everyday. I was diagnosed with depression and put on antidepressants. Of course this didn't work out. I went back to the psychiatry and I was really happy about it. At least I wasn't at home. My uncle (my mother's brother and my godfather) offered me to live with him so I basically moved in with him for a while. He was lovely, but worked a lot and after a while there wasn't enough space for me anymore. He has a small one-bedroom apartment and I slept on the sofa so didn't have a room. My parents constantly refused financial support and when my mother pretended to have changed I moved back in with her when I was 15. A horrible horrible mistake. After returning from a weekend at my friend's house my step-dad kicked me out of the house at 10pm on a Sunday night at the end of November. I was 16. It was cold and I had nowhere to go. I was really lucky when somebody I knew my sister knew offered me to stay for the night. My friend's mother offered me to move in with them as I basically lived there anyway. Apart from the standard child benefit everybody receives in my native country I had no financial support. There is no help for children that come from a well-off family. I can NOT understand my mother and I can never forgive her for not supporting me. She could have easily. She chose her own 'flesh and blood' for a partner that treated her just as bad as he treated me. I worked as a stock-taker during the nights and occasionally as a cleaner to support myself financially. Living with my friends wasn't an option for a long time. The mother thought about relocating, my friends wanted to go to Canada to finish their school and I of course was left with little choice but leaving school and starting to work full-time. I thought about becoming an au-pair in England, I could improve my English, not worry about rent and food and still have some pocket money. That's what I did.

Long story, short: Whenever we have small/large family gatherings my mother reminds me of how horrible I was as a daughter. She makes me responsible for her bad marriage, her miserable life with my step-dad. She has no friends, no social life. My step-dad is very controlling, she can't spend her own money, make her own decisions. Since moving out I had little contact with my parents. I try to call, I visited them occasionally BUT it is always a one-way thing. My mother has never called me once, I always call. She forgets my birthdays, she makes no effort in visiting me. When I did visit her, my step-dad succeeded in making my stay very uncomfortable. I could go on and on about it.

I am now at an age where I have to 'form my future' I realise how silly that sounds and wonder if it is right that I cut off all sorts of contact with my mother. I don't want her or my step-dad involved in any further steps of my life. I don't want them to know my children, I don't want them to attend my wedding. I don't want to see them ever again. The rest of my family know my parents by now, especially how my step-dad is and they say they want to stay neutral about my decision. My maternal grandfather however says all the time: 'It's your mother, you should love her no matter what etc.'

Sorry, I have probably left many details out. I can go into more detail if needed to make it clearer. I am in a lot of tears now...

SoGlad - sorry to hear your story. Your pain and sadness come through very clearly. It can be really hard for many of us to share our story with people in real life, or for them to understand. Well done on sharing your story here, it does sound to me as though you would be better cutting off all contact with your mum. She only seems to cause you more pain. Keep posting on here, there are some lovely people and some great advice x

Your maternal grandfather however, did not experience your dysfunctional childhood and home life that you had. How dare he throw in his own bit of emotional blackmail at you for his own reasons, he is certainly not acting in your best interests here is he?. Your mother and stepfather utterly failed you as parents and your mother is not bothered about contacting you at all now.

Honestly I would cut them all off. You do not need their approval not that they would ever give it anyway (perhaps this is still one of many reasons why you actually bother with your mother at all now. I would no longer bother as such people never accept any responsibility for their actions and certainly never apologise for same. Do not have them at your wedding and never ever introduce them to your own children!. Your future life will be a hell of a lot happier without any of that shower in it.

Thank you so much for your replies. It's my maternal grandmother, I don't know why I wrote GF. I was tired. I am at work at the moment, so more later.

soglad Im so sorry. Apparent 'having eveyrthing' doesnt even remotely cover the emptiness and coldness of an unloving home does it?

I think that when you don't have the love you should have as a child it stays with you and sometimes you keep returning to the one who should have loved you in the vain hope that this time something will have changed. But it almost never does and never without a giant life-crisis.

I think you need to listen to what -you- want, which you know clearly. Not to have her around. Not to be involved with your children (and that sounds a really good idea. Your stepfather in particular sounds someone you really don't want around). Not at your wedding. Not to be in contact any more. You know what you want and why, and it sounds like the right decision.

Unfortunately your maternal grandfather is mistaken here. Nothing is worth the tearing pain of a mother who basically doesn't love you. "should love" is a phrase that is not much use.

Also, remember that bit in the Bible: "honour thy parents. Parents, drive not thy children to distraction. You have been driven to distraction and beyond, to the point of the brink more than once.

You do not need to justify your decision to go no-contact. But if you need to hear it anyway - you are justified.

Glad, i'm glad you are here, you need to be! :) you will get much support and insight here!

Goodtobetter good for you wrt the therapist. Good call on that one, she's not going to help you on your path. Move on and find someone who will. You sound so much stronger than before!

Sorry for being out of it and skydiving in at the last minute.

Ds and I are currently in hospital. He's the patient sadly. An accident at home, significant but superficial burns and ones will have long term effects. He won't (we're pretty sure) be scarred but it's very early days.

He's doing brilliantly, but it's clearly not the end, we both have much information to learn and absorb.

Anyway. I told the family. Well Dsis and dad, but don't have dm number. Sis told her which is fine. Dm came yesterday. It coincided with a friend coming to get me to go and get my car from home (an hour away) so I saw her, she sat with ds, I cam back, she'd gone back already. Ds was primed to buzz for help if she started anything. She didn't, chit chattered about nothing. Staff were primed too, so kept an ear/eye.

DF and sis came today. DF said on leaving 'keep in touch this time eh?' and then 'blood is thicker than water'

I couldn't resist... "yeah I suppose so, it takes longer to clear up" (thanks MN!)

I'll let DF see ds, he's no threat to him, just pitiful towards us, if he makes any comments, i'll call him out and remind him that he needs to make a positive input on my life, or there's no point. I'm worth more than him as a human being, as is my son.

Dsis seems in some way almost (and words not ideal here) desperate to make up, being nice etc, but I feel the trust is gone and I observe her behaviour at a distance. Her acceptance of me or approval is of no importance to me, I genuinely don't care what any of them think of me.

I felt my ds needed to know everyone was routing for him, it's that bloody serious he deserves every ounce of attention. If I am able to have a relationship with them, even at arms length, that works for me and me alone (counting ds in as me too). But only if it's healthy, and I have final say. It's an honour for them to have me in their lives, so if they abuse it, they lose it.

They are acquaintances in my life. I feel strong and unconcerned. I have all the power over my life and they don't have any power over me.

Anyone know if there's a burns thread? I'm gonna need support for us for the next few years.

Hissy - bless your ds, hope he makes a speedy recovery.

Witch MIL has been emailing DH. He's a bit stressed. I can feel the stress across my forehead. Have been doing a lot of reading about symptoms of adult children of dysfunctional families. I hit most of them if not all. I think I have minimised it and I think I'm beginning to realise the whole of my life I have been totally in the dysfunctional mindset. Although I hope I'm not paying it forward iykwim.

I thought my counselling started this week but it's next. I hope I like the counsellor as there has been such a delay, I'm more than ready I think.

I'm sorry if I don't thank pps personally etc. I am finding it hard to concentrate really. Sorry if this is selfish. But thank you all.

Hissy, I'm so sorry to hear about DS. How long will he be in hospital? Is there long term support available via the hospital?
You sound very strong wrt family, I agree with what you say and it sounds like you're handling it very well.
Sending much love to you and DS.

xx

hissy that sounds an awful accident, you said you will need support for him for some years?!

I hope he's getting the best of treatment and you are both getting support from friends. it sounds like you've got the family under control which must be a small relief at the moment.

All the best to your son and yourself.

Thank you hissy . I have read about your DS's accident in the LCBC thread and I am really sorry. I hope he gets better soon and stays positive. How old is he?

He's 8 glad, and yeah, this stuff takes years of careful treatment to resolve.

This is one of the best burns units in the uk, we really are in the very best place we could be.

They offer all the long term support we need. I'm not sure of the extent of service they offer, but I know psychological support is there for good, whenever, if ever we need it, either him OR me.

Atm, I am here alone, and that's fine, we have visitors and ds feels loved and cared about by all his friends, that's been so touching at how truly moved he is by their concern and kindness. I'm so proud of him.

I'll bank the offers of support for next week when, perhaps, he might be home. God knows how i'll learn what has to be done for when that happens!

Gah! The night shift is in, i'm not liking her comments at all. She's said a couple of things that make me feel worried, and tbh, she's not seen his injuries close up. Must. Remember. To. Keep. It. Superficial. With. Her. Everyone else says different to her. Surely this is a 'there's always one' scenario..

Hissy, so sorry to hear about your son's burns. I hope he gets well soon (and sorry it will be along haul). My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Some nurses are b i t c h e s...don't think twice about taking her name and reporting her to an administrator if she is giving you misinformation.

Congratulations on managing family contact!

(Hugs) (and a high five)