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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

994 replies

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 26/04/2014 13:39

Thread opener here: webaunty.co.uk/mumsnet/
You may need to right-click and 'unblock' it after downloading it.

It's almost May 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

OP posts:
Hissy · 21/05/2014 04:57

I went and blubbed all over another nurse, she then raised it with the one I was talking about, who came, apologised and took me for a tea and a chat.

She meant well, but just misread where I was in the process, and what I was ready to hear.

She's v experienced and kind of only meant to say that it's important to understand that this situation is up and down, today being a good day means nothing, tomorrow might not be. This is the danger zone wrt toxic shock/infection.

We'll know more this morning.

Dirtypaws, be kind to yourself, you have so much going on, but as you say, the counselling is approaching. Things can start to get better once you've gone through the initial rush of information/grief, I really hope you click with him/her.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2014 06:57

Was so sorry Hissy to read about your son's recent accident.

I have found a group you may well want to get in touch with subsequently; they are called BUGS and they also offer long term support to families.

Their website is :-
www.bugssalisbury.co.uk/index.aspx

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hissy · 21/05/2014 09:57

That's where I am atm Attilla

They told me that they're here for us as long as we need them to be.

He has to go back down to theatre. Some bits need more attention.

Nurse last night said 'prepare for set backs' I know I wigged out, but she wasn't wrong eh?

Hey ho.

Fizzyplonk · 21/05/2014 13:05

Hi
Don't want to start my own thread so hoped I could pick your brains on here.
I have tricky relationship with mil. Whenever I set something up she pushes for more.
She wants more involvement in our lives than I'd like. I'm sure daily if poss.
She does 2days child care per week (tried nursery didn't work out-not likely to change for 18 months)
We have recently moved house.
She is keen to get into our new house-has asked for a sleepover here just for fun-they live 30 minutes away.
I'm not keen for them to be here without us as her and fIL interfere and do things to the house despite being explicitly asked not to.
FIL hates just sitting as a guest.
I invited them for dinner at 5.15 (relationship building-adult-equal)
Mil has said she'd like to spend the whole day at ours (from 7.45am) before the meal. We'll be at work. She would be looking after our child though.
I think she wants to spend time in our new house.
I am sure they'll do jobs/look for things they can do and am not comfortable with the snooping.
Why can't they just come for dinner?....she always wants more. Can I reasonably say no?
It is upsetting as I'd happily have them for dinner fortnightly but she's never happy with the involvement I offer/am comfortable with.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2014 13:21

Fizzyplonk,

What does your DH make of his parents behaviours?. Does he say anything like, "well you know what she is like" in relation to his mother?.
Is he really in a FOG like state (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mum and dad?.

"I invited them for dinner at 5.15 (relationship building-adult-equal)"

Uninvite them, tell them that this will not happen now. Of course you can (and should) say no and mean it as well.

That was not at all a good idea because your MIL does not and will never give you an equal relationship. You are thinking that at heart she will be reasonable. Wrong. You are and have been more than reasonable (you also likely come from an emotionally healthy family unlike your DHs) but you are dealing with someone who is inherently unreasonable. She is also disrespecting her son as well as you, she does not care. This will not change, infact this type of toxic crap which is really about power and control here further escalates.

She has and will continue to right roughshod over your wishes and will continue to disrespect and actively ignore any boundary you care to set. She will always want more than you are prepared to give. You need to present a united front re them as well.

If she cannot and will not behave then she gets to see none of you. End of. Sorry if that sounds uncompromising and it probably is but this type of toxic behaviours makes nice people like you who have been reasonable through thoroughly miserable.

If the previous nursery did not work out I would suggest you try another one. Your MIL having any sort of childcare type responsibility is not a good idea; you cannot fully trust her not to snoop amongst your belongings. You would not tolerate any of this from a friend, family are no different.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward as this could also help you.

Meerka · 21/05/2014 14:37

Yes you absolutely can reasonably say No.

Agreed with Attilla that if you are not happy with something she suggests / wants - then your say goes. I would keep saying No when she gets pushy and keep on saying it until she gets the message. If she doesnt then you may have to tackle her head on. Assuming you are flexible up to a point, it is completely not reasonable for her to ignore your child-care wishes.

But first, get your husband on your side. Sit down and talk with him and talk it out and agree a line together. Again as Attilla says you must be united on this or it will be far more difficult. If your MIL is so inclined, she can start to drive a wedge between you if you hold one position and he another.

I do also think you need to find other childcare with another nursery.

Just to reiterate: you are completely reasonable in saying No to her pushing her way in all the time.

MillyMollyMandy78 · 21/05/2014 18:18

Hissy - so sorry to hear about your son. Sending you both my best wishes.

Fizzy - of course you can say no! Completely agree with the others. Does your husband support you or does he enable them? The cheek of them to want to arrive at 7:45am when you invited them for dinner!

Fizzyplonk · 21/05/2014 18:37

Thanks for the replies.
I've read some of that book on kindle......
DH is supportive/anything for an easy life/non-confrontational. However, I am guilty at ranting about things and need to rethink my strategy as this is an issue between us. I'll keep quiet about annoyances for now (eg apparently today she had my toddler in 2nd hand shoes instead of his own....)
He did mention that my mum stays over but she lives 2 hours away (does childcare monthly) and that his mum wants the same.... (And is stamping her feet)

Tomorrow is cancelled for now as I have a head cold and feel rotten anyway.

pumpkinsweetie · 22/05/2014 11:13

There was an short thing about grandparents rights on This Morning today, although I feel sorry for the grandparents, looking at it, we don't know the ins and outs and many of these grandparents that don't have access could be the sort im protecting my dc from. Sometimes I think both stories should be heard.

It also worries me what ideas it will give my pil as they watch it tooSad

MommyBird · 22/05/2014 12:34

Pumpkin, i was just coming on to write the same.

It made me really angry. There was no blame put on the Grandparents at all, it was all on the parents or should i say the DIL.

There are people who do it out of spite and there are some genuine cases. Both sides should be heard.

Did you hear what one lady said? That there wasn't one big argument but 'lots of little things that mounted up'....Hmmm.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/05/2014 12:58

There is also an interesting thread about this tv programme relating to this very subject matter on AIBU.

I did not watch it (besides which I can't abide any of their so called presenters) but from what I have read it has only been taken from the grandparents point of view rather than the one also of the parents who made the decision to cut contact. That decision is to my mind rarely if ever made without a lot of heartache and thought beforehand.

pumpkinsweetie · 22/05/2014 13:54

I just thought it was so one sided, and I have to agree re the comments of "small things mounting up"those small things may have not been so small. Without the dil take on it, how could This Morning present such a storyShock

In my case for example, I didn't enter into non-contact lightly, infact I gave in many times when I really shouldn't have. And then things piled up and I realised actually that my children were at risk, from verbal abuse from mil and physical from fil as he would deliberately trip my dc up, and wind my girls up by calling them boys names. Added to that gold flare ups against dc & I infront of children, past abuse to dh I hadnt previously known about and a catalogue of toxicity I decided for the children's sakes we would break away before something worse happened.

pumpkinsweetie · 22/05/2014 14:16

I didn't mean gold lol, I meant big flare ups to dh infront of dc

Hissy · 22/05/2014 21:01

What is it with these people:

DS gets hurt. I tell them.

They all listen, absorb, visit/call to discuss. Fine.

But...

Here goes:

Ex (daddy) has fallen in the bathroom and has hurt his hip.

Sis has been wiped out by the drive home and her, I repeat HER emotions.

DM called, it went to voicemail. I texted them all to say how utterly wiped and fed up we were yesterday and that we were curled up watching a dvd to try to cheer ourselves up.

She calls again.

DF goes to great lengths to tell me about how DS may recover. This despite me telling him that I don't know, Drs don't know, Consultants don't know what may or may not happen yet, for sure, until it happens. Tis the nature of burns apparently.

Then he tells me how sore his shoulder was because of the long drive and lack of time therefore ro do his exercises l, and how he's an old man...

Do these people hear themselves?

Walk a mile, no shuffle painfully, slowly with crutches, hunched in pain with someone holding a bag full of your wee cos you've got a blister on the end of your bits for a few steps of an 8yo, then see 'Poor you'

Forget asking me if I need anything? If i'm eating anything? Or have I eaten since saturday night? No, and not really, unless you count toast on a couple of mornings.

They're all fucking mad.

Or AIBU?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 22/05/2014 21:25

God no, Hissy, you are not wrong or unreasonable.
They sound so self-absorbed to be inclined to be in a pain competition with a severely burned little boy!! I am Angry for you. One up manship at its worse. Angry Angry

More prayers for you and you son.
I hope you can get some chicken noodle soup and crackers for a meal. You must be shattered. ((Hugs))

MillyMollyMandy78 · 22/05/2014 21:25

Hissy, you are definately not being unreasonable! Think the self-absorption of narcs is made all the more shocking in times of true grief and stress. It seems unimaginable that people like that really exist, doesn't it?

Try to ignore their dramas as much as possible and just focus on you and your poor son! X

Hissy · 22/05/2014 21:32

I'm fairly sure that I must have been adopted.

Tis the only explanation.

Meerka · 22/05/2014 22:33

oh god Hissy no. your poor son, and well - poor you, having such a bloody self-absorbed family.

Appletini · 23/05/2014 06:51

I didn't see This Morning but what I've heard had made my blood boil.

I'm also really fucked off with DM who has started hoovering again.

Dirtypaws I felt the same about counselling before I tried it. But it does help, in my experience. Having someone listen to you properly and be present with you, show you compassion and empathy, it's really healing. Even if you can't talk that much about the difficult stuff.

magnoliawalls it's okay not to like her. You didn't choose to feel like that, it's a reflection on her not you.

Vicious you are NOT being self-indulgent. It's important to get this stuff out.

GoodtoBetter counsellors can be wrong sometimes. They are human. HOWEVER she shouldn't be encouraging you to take responsibility for your DM and it would be inappropriate for her to see the same counsellor. Maybe time to try a different one?

SoGlad I am so sorry to hear your story. I know from experience how awful it is to not be cared for after attempting suicide. Fuck the lot of them. They should have looked after you. How dare they blame you for anything. You were a child and you needed love and support.

As for the bible, it also says not to treat your children badly lest they become discouraged, and not to cause little ones to stumble.

Hissy so sorry to hear about your DS. I hope his recovery goes well and that he is home soon.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2014 07:12

Hissy

Its not you, its them. Its not your fault they are like this.

(My FIL who is also a narcissist would behave in the exact same manner as your showier of a birth family).

Hissy · 23/05/2014 07:40

I know they want to continue contact, going forward, but i'm going to struggle with putting up with this shit!

Is there any point in saying anything?

I know the answer to that already, don't I?

I'm a horrible, horrible person who can't seem to find the strength to say 'ah, that must be terrible for you' perhaps i'll just say, 'wanna swap with DS?, i'll bet he would if you would.'

TalkingintheDark · 23/05/2014 10:21

Hissy just to say so very sorry to hear about your DS, the poor love, and how hard it must be for you too.

Also sorry to hear that, predictably, your family are only adding to your stress at this difficult time rather than really supporting you and him.

Sorry I don't have any answers for anything, my brain's on a go slow this morning, just wanted to send you some virtual hugs and Thanks and wish him the best recovery possible. Cuida-te, carinho x

Meerka · 23/05/2014 10:23

hissy is it possible to allow them limited contact, a bit every few weeks or something? (maybe it's not)

Before christmas you had to throw your mother out of the house with the police. Its very hard to see how this can end well at all, even in the appalling situation your son is in.

I would also be biting my lip not to say "wanna swap with my son" - tbh, why not say it. if they figure out that you are not the person you were, that you will stand up for yoruself actively a la Police Calling Hissy, then maybe they'll treat you with a bit more respect at least on the surface.

Or if they are causing you or your son more static than is worth it, go back to NC.

How is your son today?

GoodtoBetter · 23/05/2014 12:11

How are you today, Hissy and how's DS? Have you got anyone who can sit with you or bring you something to eat?

As regards your family, I think don't contact them further, it should be them contacting you if they want info, you have enough on your plate. And if they contact you and whinge about anything maybe say "Things are really hard atm and I can't be stressed by other people's negativity. If you can't be supportive at this awful time, I don't want to hear from you".

Hissy · 23/05/2014 12:40

Yeah, you're right Meerka. I'll let them have the first ones for free, but from now on, that's it.

They say anything remotely self pitying and i'll offer them the swap.

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