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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally its over, but how to get him out?

59 replies

NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 11:57

I have been considering ending ny relationship for awhile. I have a couple of threads about my partner and after having the same old row again this morning I have decided I can't do it any more.

The problem I have got is that I know he will refuse to leave. He wont be aggressive or threatening, he will just refuse to go.

The house is rented, tenancy agreement is in my name only. I have lived there for 4 years, him two and a half. I have three children, one of which is his.

Me leaving is nit an option. He has his mum who he can stay with although he says he would rather sleep on the street. He also has friends he could stay with.

How do I make him leave amicably?

I am at work so there may be delays in my replies but I will answer all questions as quickly as I can.

OP posts:
Theresadogonyourballs · 23/04/2014 12:03

Someone with more legal knowledge will be along soon, but my belief is, if the tenancy agreement is in your name only, then he has no legal right to refuse to leave. So theoretically you could call the police and have him removed. Understand if you want to avoid that though!

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 12:04

Would they be bothered if hes not being aggressive or threatening. I thought perhaps they would just tell me they don't get involved in domestics and there is nothing they can do.

OP posts:
Theresadogonyourballs · 23/04/2014 12:05

Sorry, what I should have added is, can you frame it thus - "look, let's not be silly about this and sort it out amicably, for the sake of the children. If you refuse to go, I WILL have to call the police, is that really what you want?" Then let him chew on that for a bit.

Theresadogonyourballs · 23/04/2014 12:06

Sorry, cross posted! I'm not too sure to be honest, sorry. May be worth posting in Legal too, just to clarify your rights.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 12:07

I tried that last week and he just laughed at me. In the end I backed down and just let him stay so I can understand why he doesn't take me seriously, I just didn't have the energy for a battle. I cant take any more though and just want him to go. So basically the threat of the police wont work as he doesn't believe they would do anything.

OP posts:
Blithereens · 23/04/2014 12:14

But they will do something as he doesn't legally have any right to reside. Tell them he is refusing to leave your residence, causing a disturbance and making you very distressed. That's what the police are for.

If not, he must go out at some point, mustn't he? For food at least, as I assume you won't be buying any for him. Wait for him to go out, then change the locks. Then if he tries to get back in you can call the police again!

Paq · 23/04/2014 12:15

Just change the locks when he's out?

Theresadogonyourballs · 23/04/2014 12:17

I can see exactly why you want him outWink. Hmm, how about giving the non-emergency line a call, (101 I think it is), and just have a chat with the person on the other end about your options? Explain everything about the tenancy etc, and they'll be able to advise you. My sympathies, he sounds an absolute nob - why on earth would anyone want to stay in a living situation where the other person doesn't want them there?! ThanksThanks

onetiredfromthesugarhighmummy · 23/04/2014 12:17

Depending on how you want to do it & whether you want to be civil afterwards you can:

Change the locks when he's out & leave his stuff outside.

Ask the police to make him leave

Make life so difficult for him that he goes. I assume you have stopped doing his washing/cooking etc already

Theresadogonyourballs · 23/04/2014 12:18

Cross posted with others - yes, pack up his stuff when he goes out, put it on the step and change the locks!! He won't have any legal redress - it's your house!

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 12:22

Is it easy to change the locks? He has a key for the front door and the only key for the back door.

I will certainly give 101 a call to discuss when I finish work, guess its sensible to see where I stand.

Nope I have still been doing his cooking and washing. I am such a push over, anything for a quiet life but I am determined to stand my ground this time.

OP posts:
Theresadogonyourballs · 23/04/2014 12:24

STOP DOING HIS HOUSEWORK!!!! Sorry for shouting, but go on strike like, immediately!
Locks are easy to change, you can buy the barrels from a hardware store or locksmith. Keep the originals though, as you landlord might want to put them back on after your tenancy ends.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/04/2014 12:25

You can ask the police to attend once you've asked him leave because "you fear a breach of the peace".

He has no legal right to be in a property which is not in his name and where the occupant wishes him to leave.

But you have to tell him to go first, and give him enough notice to make alternative arrangements if you're feeling generous.

I'd give him 48 hours and then change the BARREL of the locks on the front and back doors. New barrels are easy to source from somewhere like B&Q, cost less than a tenner and will take about ten minutes with a screwdriver to do.

Theresadogonyourballs · 23/04/2014 12:27

I know this isn't AIBU, but AIBU to want to come round and kick him in the balls on your behalf? It sounds like he's really ground you down, don't let him do it any more! Good luck and stay strong ThanksThanks.

Blithereens · 23/04/2014 12:33

Nacho, mate, you have got to stop doing his housework. Of course he doesn't want to bloody leave, he's got a skivvy!

Stop doing ANYTHING for him in the house. Stop responding to him with anything but, 'I have asked you to leave. Please leave. I want you to leave,' or similar. Don't look at him, don't talk to him unless you're telling him to go. Make his life so unpleasant at home that he will bugger off and leave you in peace.

And if not, I'll come 'round and get him out for you!

AdoraBell · 23/04/2014 12:49

I had a similar situation, although no DCs.

I completely ignored him, looked right through him like he wasn't there when he spoke to me, cooked and made cups of tea only for myself, had friends and my family round and went out straight from work, just as if I was living alone. The fucker still hung around on for 8 months.

If you have the patience for that then do it, although with DCs I imagine it would be extremely difficult to pull off. Otherwise, you need to be more proactive and get him removed. In the meantime make living with you inconvenient, stop washing his clothes and if you can't easily stop cooking for him then cook what you know he doesn't like.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 12:56

Oh that's a good idea, I will make lamb for tea every night till he goes. He hates the small of lamb and wont cook anything in the oven after it has been used for lamb.

Right plan of action, ask him calmly to leave. Reply to every thing he says with, I have asked you to leave. If he doesn't go pop over to B and Q for new lock barrels and fit them when he goes out. This will have to be at the weekend. Until then I wont do anything for him or speak to him.

OP posts:
Theresadogonyourballs · 23/04/2014 13:04

Good plan. Don't cave in!!!! Rooting for you WineWineThanks.

AdoraBell · 23/04/2014 13:05

I also hate the smell of lamb cookingGrin, the absolute worst for me is lamb mince frying off before it goes in the oven Envy , it seems to permeate the entire house tooWink. Bon appetite.

Blithereens · 23/04/2014 13:11

You can do it! We are all rooting for you Thanks Wine Cake Dragon

mistlethrush · 23/04/2014 13:17

Nacho - who is your landlord - you really need to ask them for permission to change the locks - but I'm sure that if you explain what the issue is they won't have a problem. You will either need to keep the old barrels to change back or give them a full set of keys for the new locks (or both) when you eventually leave.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 13:21

I love lamb, I haven't half missed it.

I need to be strong otherwise next week I will be in the same situation or next month, whatever, will just keep going round and round in circles.

OP posts:
Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 13:22

I was planning to just pass them a new set of keys, would that do? My landlord is lovely, I am sure they wont mind so long as I pass them a set.

OP posts:
AwakeCantSleep · 23/04/2014 13:38

Nacho, you don't have to ask your landlord for permission to change the locks. You don't even have to provide them with keys (although it is advisable to do so).

If there is a Screwfix near you, buy your lock barrels there. Much, much cheaper than B&Q. There are plenty of videos on youtube on how to change a lock. It is really quite simple in most cases; I've done it myself several times.

Good luck! Hopefully he will just leave and you won't even have to buy new barrels.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 13:47

Fingers crossed he does. If I can stay calm he cant just write it off as me being angry and just being a cow.

If I do have to change the locks does it make a difference that I have UPVC doors?

Thanks for all of the support and advice, I am full of determination now, I just hope I can hold on to it.

OP posts: