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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally its over, but how to get him out?

59 replies

NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 11:57

I have been considering ending ny relationship for awhile. I have a couple of threads about my partner and after having the same old row again this morning I have decided I can't do it any more.

The problem I have got is that I know he will refuse to leave. He wont be aggressive or threatening, he will just refuse to go.

The house is rented, tenancy agreement is in my name only. I have lived there for 4 years, him two and a half. I have three children, one of which is his.

Me leaving is nit an option. He has his mum who he can stay with although he says he would rather sleep on the street. He also has friends he could stay with.

How do I make him leave amicably?

I am at work so there may be delays in my replies but I will answer all questions as quickly as I can.

OP posts:
AwakeCantSleep · 23/04/2014 13:58

It's great that you have upvc doors. Very, very easy to change the lock. What you do is take out the cylinder (youtube is your friend, takes literally 30 seconds). Then measure the length of the cylinder from the centre out to both ends (for example 35mm-40mm), put cylinder back, go out and buy new one. Then replace old cylinder with new one.

The cylinders are not very expensive. Here is a 35-35mm one for £8: www.screwfix.com/p/era-6-pin-euro-cylinder-lock-35-35-70mm-satin/32869

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/04/2014 14:11

No, you don't have to ask for your landlord's permission, even if it says in your tenancy agreement that you can't change the locks. Offer your landlord a copy of the new keys if you want him to be able to access the property to undertake repairs or maintenance while you're not in. Alternatively, you can swap the barrels back at the end of your tenancy.

In your position I would warn him that he's got until the weekend to make alternative arrangements or you'll deny him access if he doesn't. He needs to know that you're utterly serious about this and starts packing his shit forthwith.

cestlavielife · 23/04/2014 14:17

is good he is not on the tenancy.
you might want a friend over when he comes banging on the door once you changed locks ...if he does you need to call 999. straight away.

what if he goes out with your joint child or the dc?

where would he go with the dc
?
also think ahead - what will contact with his dc be? will you be happy for him to go off with dc?

glasgowstevenagain · 23/04/2014 14:19

Tell him if he does not leave you will phone the police and say he assaulted you.

Desperate times call for desperate measures eh

ThatBloodyWoman · 23/04/2014 14:24

glasgow that is a terrible thing to suggest.

Nacho I don't think you should change the locks.
Nor will the police intervene.

You will need to go through legal channels to evict him if he will not go.

Please seek legal advice.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 14:37

ThatBloodyWoman why is changing the locks illegal? Sorry if I am being naive there.

Bitter I think you are right about giving him warning.

I will allow him contact with ds, I am very amicable and reasonable. The older two have contact with their dad so I am open to discussion about what we both think is suitable.

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 23/04/2014 14:41

I didn't say it's illegal!
I just don't think you should do it.

I think it's likely to inflame the situation more than other options would, that's all.

Blithereens · 23/04/2014 14:41

It is not illegal to change the locks. He's not on the tenancy. He doesn't have any legal right to reside. You are perfectly within your rights to do so. And the police WILL intervene if you maintain he is intruding and causing you distress.

Your plan to be calm but completely firm is a great one. And to cook lots of lamb!

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 14:44

Sorry I misread your post, I thought it was illegal because you suggested going through legal channels to remove him.

That would be very costly and tine consuming I am guessing? Both of which I will have very little if as a working single mum of three.

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 23/04/2014 14:47

The police will intervene if a crime is being committed ie dv or breach of the peace, most certainly.

But I'm not sure from what I have read here that the op is suggesting that's the case.

Ensuring he leaves is a civil matter if he is refusing to go, not a criminal one.

At least that's my thoughts on it!

AwakeCantSleep · 23/04/2014 14:54

It is a civil matter. The police will only intervene if a crime has been committed.

Nacho is the tenant and has sole use of the property. She is therefore perfectly within her rights to change the locks. There is no need to go through 'legal channels' at all.

(The situation would be very different if a landlord tries to evict a tenant of course! But that is not the case here.)

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 14:59

I wouldn't even know where to start with legal channels if you have any advice I would be grateful.

Maybe if I keep calm and just keep repeating myself he will realise I am serious and just go.

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 23/04/2014 15:05

Yes, She can change the locks legally.

All I am saying is that I wouldn't as I would be concerned that I would inflame the situation, and with children involved I would prefer to go through legal channels.

But that is me and my advice.It's good to hear different views when deciding a course of action, and I wish Nacho and her partner a separation that is as 'untraumatic' as possible.

I've got no idea of the history of this relationship, and I am just thinking there is the co parenting of a child to consider, and that Nacho's partner is maybe feeling hurt and scared at this break up even if bravado suggests otherwise.

ThatBloodyWoman · 23/04/2014 15:07

I would phone CAB.

I'm unsure of what free legal advice schemes do or don't run nowadays.

My initial point of call for free legal advice is my unions legal advice line, so you could see if you have that service if you are a union member.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 15:09

Thanks ThatWoman I do appreciate any advice and all opinions are welcome. I too would like to do it all as amicably as possible however he certainly won't afford me the same respect.

I am not kicking him out onto the street, I know he can go to his mums quite easily, he lived there before moving in with me so not like its unknown.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 23/04/2014 15:22

has he been paying towards the rental? will he hold that over you? even if yes, as he not on tenancy just ignore.

as he has no legal status in the tenancy then if nacho wants him to leave she can ask him. I had a lodger once who refused to leave - tho he did so in the end. it wasn't nice. but he had to go.... when it was my ex he was/is joint owner - much more difficult.

there is no problem changing the lock and making sure ll has a spare key. I have done that in rental property. this was not an issue at all.

if a person refuses to leave then you give them notice and warning, eg email so there is a record. then if they do not leave in the time frame you can chuck them out/bar them/change locks etc. .

if he gets nasty or bangs on door etc then you call police. if he is breaching the peace police will take him away.

however amicable you are now - given he does not want to leave then he will either see sense and go quietly or he will get angry and make a fuss.

you need to be prepared for the second scenario .

it would be expensive to go for eg injunction especially when so far there has been no aggression. he is not on tenancy. so you can ask him to leave.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/04/2014 15:31

With tenancy law I think that if you have been living somewhere and paying the rent as if you have a contract then the normal rules still apply. Spouses who aren't named on the tenancy have rights of residence howev he's not your spouse.
Basically, if you changed the locks he would have to take you to court to make you let him back in. I think that as you are the named tenant, pay the rent from your account (I assume) and have ended the relationship he would have a job getting anyone to enforce that.
If I were you I would give him notice - 2 weeks or something. Then ignore his efforts or lack of to find somewhere. After two weeks you take the first opportunity to change the locks then either take the kids elsewhere and call him to tell him, or stay in the house (without the kids if possible) and wait for him to turn up.

ThatBloodyWoman · 23/04/2014 15:36

That sounds sensible advice Ehric if Nacho does decide on the changing locks route.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 17:01

The rent is paid from my account every month when my salary goes in.

I am actually nervous now wondering if he will even turn up here after work. I told him this morning I was sick of everything and wanted him to leave, maybe he will take me at my word but I doubt it.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/04/2014 17:14

I'd give him notice but it wouldn't be anything like two weeks. 48 hours or thereabouts and then he and his shit is gone.

As it's Wednesday today I think it would be quite reasonable to make it plain that he needs to be gone by Saturday. Saturdays' a pretty convenient day to be buying and changing locks.

littlegreengloworm · 23/04/2014 17:18

You are paying the rent and his names not on the tenancy. I would bag up the shit stuff he owns and change locks but also call 101

MostlyMama · 23/04/2014 17:21

Hope he sees sense and finds somewhere else to sleep tonight.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/04/2014 18:18

Well has turned up after work. I have just ignored him whilst trying not to crate an atmosphere around the dc. They will all be in bed by 8 at which point I will ask him to leave and give him 48 hours notice of changing the locks if he refuses. Wish me luck!!

OP posts:
Blithereens · 23/04/2014 21:47

Best of luck! You can do it!

ThatBloodyWoman · 24/04/2014 09:07

How are things going Nacho?

Hope you managed a productive situation last night.

Thinking of you. Flowers