Not had sex for almost two years

[Olliedelondon]

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

22honey what in the OP's posts is telling you that the DW isn't working blooming hard to look after their 2 dcs, getting through the night, doing the ironing,cleaning etc... to support her DH ambition of being self employed? What is telling you that she isn't thinking about HIM by doing all these things (childcare, housework etc...) that he would have to do if she wasn't there (ie if they are indeed getting divorced).

And what is making you think that she is the only one to be 'blamed' for the fact that he has had no sex in 2 years (but has managed to get his DW pregnant)?

We only have one side of the story and his assumptions on why she isn't keen on sex atm.
Note he hasn't actually sure what are the reasons. he clearly states he 'thinks' she doesn't fancy him, doesn't like sex (despite the fact he hasn't managed give her more than one, only one, orgasm in 8 years), and probably feels like her life has been turned upside down by the arrival of their two dcs whereas his life hasn't changed (but hasn't done a thing to change that)....

How on earth you can try and solve a problem on what you suppose is what your partner is thinking wo actually talking to them is beyond me.

And actually when in 2 years, you have given birth twice and had a very difficult time with the second birth (as acknowledge by the OP), it's not unusual that the sex life is getting non existent.
Not everyone feel sexy, full of energy, glamorous with a high (or even normal) sex drive in these circumstances.

Are you saying that every man who has a wife who feels like a train has run over her in the OP's wife circumstances should actually get divorced because their DW just aren't thinking about them and their sexual needs??

22honey no that is not what I was trying to convey

What has been absent from OP's posts is any real understanding of what being a SAHM to 2 very young children is really like. What I was suggesting was that before he makes assumptions he should try and empathise by way of sampling what she is going through. This may put the sexual issues into context for him.

And whilst doing the hunter gatherer thing may seem like a good idea for the long term actually right now I think the DW would probably like her DH present with her and helping out

I am sure that some people would be saying something very different if it was the wife complaining about lack of sex and intimacy. I pretty much bet that nobody would be saying that she should be supporting her DH whilst he was working 60 hrs a week plus the stress of starting and running your own business, which is not, by the way, at all like working for somebody else for 60 hrs a week. You literally never ever get the chance to switch off. My DH has done it and made a success of it and it has taken its toll on our marriage so this does work both ways. You don't hear the OP asking for support though do you? He just wants to properly share his life with his wife and he can't because she doesn't seem interested.

This is not a pissing competition to see who can be the most tired and who has the hardest life. This pre-dates the children although admittedly it was bearable for the OP up until that time. However, you can see the seeds of discontent were already there.

This is, it sounds like the DW has no interest whatsoever in communicating with her DP to resolve the issue thats obviously bothering him and subsequently their relationship, and is merely sweeping it under the carpet like many women do and trying to force him to do what she does which is forget about sex and the importance of maintaining the adult relationship to focus on the children.

Yes its their DC's but presumably they came to some sort of agreement she would be a SAHM whilst he went to work. Maybe OP should see if it would help his DW to switch the arrangement round somewhat. I still maintain posters are acting like him working on his business is some sort of leisure activity that doesnt benefit the family whatsoever, which is rubbish.

It always cease to amaze me how so many women have the kids they want then develop a woe is me attitude where life is just so hard for them they need treating with kid gloves and their partners needs just dont matter anymore as they are having such a hard time. Many women both look after DCs AND work hard and do the housework, and still make time for their partner. Those that dont are usually the type that cannot seperate their personhood from motherhood, with thought patterns such as mothers dont have dirty sex, they belong to their babies.

I've seen it with my SIL, she wanted to have DC so she had an excuse not to work for 5 years, her DP was perfectly happy with the status quo where he was working and she sat around at home all day gossiping. She took control of her own fertility, getting her implant removed, had the sex she hated so much with her DP, got pregnant (then never had sex with him again since) then since the baby was born shout and bitch at him that he isn't pulling his weight, not only has he now got to go to work all week and give all the money he earns to her, he should also take over childcare when hes worked a 12 hour day (all whilst being nagged and ranted at constantly), is expected to do DIY on the house and garden all the time if not busy, he is also terrorised and bitched about if he dares go to the pub for a pint every now and again, on top of that he gets no sex, no intimacy, nothing just moaned at constantly that he needs to do more and more because being a SAHM wasn't the relaxing laze fest she expected it to be. Not his fault imo, she wanted to have a child whilst her DP worked and she stayed at home.

Theres a reason people always tell you 'kids are hard work' before you have them.

This.

Listen, sex is what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship. If you're both happy being just friends, groovy. But the OP is not. And his dw HAS to address this.

After telling DP about this thread, we had a little discussion about stuff, and he's going to get a vasectomy so that I can come off the bloody pill at last! So yay me!

Hahahaha- 22honey come back in 4 years time- when you've actually had some children. You know, when you've been there, and know something about having an infant or two.

When you've had a hideous birth, 3rd degree tear, prolapse, etc, 4 years without more than 4 hours straight sleep, etc, a couple of velcro babies.

You obviously have little idea of the realities of being a SAHP to two small babies.

Referring to the opening post:

Mister, you don't know about sex.
Sex is 24/7.
From waking with a kiss, in the cosy bed you provided, through the gentle (not always sexual) touches, hand holding, kind words, texts, emails, telephone calls, letters you write to her and post, hugs, whispers, small caresses, thoughtfulness regarding household tasks and bringing small gifts to show you care, being where you say you'll be when you say you'll be there, no way working 60 hours a week because that doesn't leave you time to make love to your wife properly, to ensuring she has hobbies, interests, time to herself, to ensuring she has outings and events with you (and sometimes as a family) to look forward to, new clothes to wear, regular appointments with a decent hairdresser, taking the family out for meals or bringing takeaway so she doesn't have to cook, putting the children to bed so she can have time to herself, for a bath (with the luxury toiletries you thoughtfully provided) and dress in her new, attractive but not overtly sexy loungewear ready for her evening with you, the glass of wine, the conversation about the day and whatever else comes to mind, the 'no-pressure for sex' kisses and hugs, then to bed to do or not do as she desires...
Try it. Keep it going for six weeks. Make it your way of life. Either, you will have a raging hot wife ripping your clothes off at every opportunity, or you'll be well-trained ready for when you move on.

Don't say I didn't tell you. I don't charge for this information. But I should.

HanSolo, I have FOUR children. And I still manage to have sex with my partner, and have a fulltime job outside the home [hnn] It's not the same for everyone. I actually agree with 22honey on a lot of her points.

I do think that if the situation was reversed, and OP was a woman being denied sex by her partner, everyone would be telling her that he needs to address it, and if he doesn't, bin him off. You know that as well as I do.

Hansolo you are incorrect that I have 'no idea' what its like looking after young children. For one I watched my mother bring up 3 young children with tiny age gaps, 2 extremely clingy whilst young, all whilst working and studying full time, doing the housework and paying for and parenting her children all by herself as a single parent. She also managed to find time to get a new relationship (and presumably have lots of sex) whilst doing all of this.

Stop with the woe is me, victim mentality martyr act. It really doesn't wash, and we are discussing here the OP's situation, not yours. He never mentioned any 3rd degree tear or prolapse, as far as I can see.

daniel you musnt be real! surely thats a ridiculously harsh and one sided stance to take...wouldnt say its the most important part of a relationship either but definately important.

I would suggest the same for a woman if the man was witholding sex. Some people have high sex drives. If I wasn't getting it from my girlfriend I would seek it elsewhere, and she knows this.

daniel28 You are really spoiling us

Why are men such wimps?

Daniel you forgot the third option,

Split up, divorce, get a new gf/wife if the relationship isn't working for you?

Sheesh are there really people that scared of being alone that they will..

A) cheat
B) pay for sex.

Lucky girl, Daniel. Wow.

daniel we are discussing here a man who has gone 2 years without sex, which is much different to going a few weeks (presuming thats what you mean with regards to withholding, there are obviously times that sex cannot be had), sometimes such as in the weeks after a C section sex would obviously be off the cards, but I cannot see any legitimate reason other than long term disability (even then I'd expect and have seen decisions to be made with regards to the sex life of the able bodied partner) for sex being denied for years on end.

I quite fancy daniel. I bet he's a great shag

@antiabz it isn't about being alone, it's about satisfying a need that people have.

Dontlooknow your post is almost identical to what I posted up thread.

I bet, like me ,you have a great sex life.

Unsurprisingly those who shun this advice have a dire sex life, and continue to moan about it whilst insisting that the advice we know to be true ,won't work for them.

Op you need to speak to your wife and ask what she desires from this relationship, then tell her calmly what it is you want.

Good luck.

antiabz it deflates your argument a bit to state that men are wimps. Might aswell say women are frigid bores, but that wouldn't go down well though would it?

Yes someone should leave if they are unhappy in a relationship, maybe his girlfriend is happy with the situation though. Good luck to her, sounds like she'll need it!

So go find a girlfriend that has comparable needs with you instead of staying with/ cheating on one that doesn't.

Is it really that difficult? Or do most sane women run?

Seems a bit wet to me.

Don't look for sex elsewhere.

If all else fails get divorced.

That is a much better option.