Not had sex for almost two years

[Olliedelondon]

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

If you want to deny the measurably damaging effect porn is having on relationships that's fine. Given 1% of people are asexual, yes I think it is reasonable to state that 99% of people enjoy sex.

I have never denied anyones view though, see a post further up where I agreed with several different views!

I KNOW sexism still oppresses women. Nowhere did I say sexism doesnt exist, and that women arnt affected by gender based issues. Classism also exists, and affects both men and women.

And what's your point now, you gendered your words or you didn't? If you did but meant your points to apply to both genders like that it is also common for men to manipulate women into having babies by pretending to like sex and then when they have fulfilled their biological need refuse sex and run their husbands ragged, then fine but say that next time.

Well, whatever 22 I think it's on the thread for people to read. You saying sex is not affected by sexism and my relationship was apparently crap and that's why the sex was crap despite me not posting any details about it at all.

But if someone wants to watch porn, surely thats their prerogative? Yes its seedy, and an exploitive industry in a lot of places but there are good and bad bits of every industry and I dont agree with restricting people's freedoms to either make or watch porn if thats what they want? Plenty of women make use of the 'sex industry' aswell, many lesbian clients are on the escort scene I will let you know, so its not something that can be solely blamed on men.

Sex drives and desire vary greatly, and if someone isnt interested in exploring their sexuality, what can their partner do about it?

I did not say its common for women to manipulate men, I stated its common for women to go off sex after children and you have stated as much yourself, along with many other posters with their endless list of reasons why women dont want/need/have to have sex anymore after children (see posts about birth, labour, the body image etc all which I totally accept!)

I'm not blaming it on men. I think the sex industry as a whole is a public policy concern because even where it is not directly exploitative (not saying all workers are victims but the industry is exploitative) it erodes consent. Sexual consent is a very important public policy concern.

If someone isn't interested in exploring their sexuality or talking about it their partner can leave. But my point has never been that he is a poor lover. It was that their sex life is clearly mutually unsatisfying but he is solely blaming her.

Offsted, this what someone else said-

'And your point is complete garbage. There is no way that porn could replace any of the intimacy that he craves - that is the the very nub of his problem.'

If you knew half as much about porn and male sexuality as you think you do, you would know that porn is not replacing in any way shape of form intimacy with his wife. It simply is not about that at all, men crave true intimacy and sex just as much as women, porn is nothing but mere fantasy stimulation to serve a purpose and yes, its a symptom of the lack of intimacy in his life.

I never said it could. I'm aware of what that poster said and I responded to the point up thread. Presumably you read that but I'll repeat anyway.

I said replacing the intimacy he has lost with his wife won't help, especially when he replaces it with something which portrays dubious views of women.

"Male sexuality" go on then give us a lecture about men being visual creatures with sexual needs and blardy blardy blah...

Offred, this one is a lost cause. Join me in a glass of and a big fat meh

Women like sexual imagery and erotica and casual sex just as much as men btw they just object to what porn depicts about female sexuality. As do a significant number of men who are aware of and object to damaging sexual stereotypes.

AF I know. I'm off at home with a cold and nothing better to do tbh. Grumpy anyway as hate having a cold. Wish I could have a but stupid cold!

Perhaps you could mix some Night Nurse and some

I guarantee you will feel looooads better

Alternatively, stop banging your head against a brick wall and the relief of that will give you the Joys of Spring

I'm not disagreeing with your points about the sex industry but a big part of it is poverty and lack of opportunity that leads people into it (men are involved in it aswell but there is more demand for women so they get paid more and there are more in the industry)

Oh that sounds like an excellent plan!

Although had wine and lemsip on weds night and that didn't work out particularly well!

I have quite enjoyed the banging of head against wall in a perverse way as I am full of grump. Bf made a comment about man flu on Sunday and was subjected to two hours of angry ranting about it being sexist and why couldn't people who were ill just be looked after because they were people who were ill. Think he'll be glad I'm ranting on here.

it doesnt replace the intimacy though, thats the point! Why do you think it does?

You have been mentioning 'womens sexuality' throughout the thread so why do you take issue with me saying 'mens sexuality'? The fact is you appear to have a very misguided view of mens sexuality yourself as you keep banging on about 'replacing his wife with porn' without realising that is NOT what it is, plenty of women watch porn aswell so whats your stance on that? Do you want everyones freedoms curtailed because you think porn presents a 'dubious' view of women (what, even porn specifically designed for women? Even amateur porn of genuine sexual partners?) Or do you just believe porn is all hardcore buttfucking misogynistic bullshit with women with big plastic tits and blonde hair?

Of course it is that's why it's exploitative like the army recruiting in high areas of unemployment.

Or one of the reasons.

I said he's using the porn to replace the intimacy he's lost... Which he is... He says that is how he is 'getting by'.

Stop telling me what I think without making any attempt to understand what it is I do think.

I'm objecting to 'men's sexuality' in the context of porn.

< attaches nipple tassels and high kicks across the thread >

And yes amateur porn is some of the most exploitative because it is often being shared without consent.

I cannot believe you ranted at your DP for 2 hours because he made a comment about man flu. You really think you take the sexism issue seriously don't you?

Yet the irony in this is you attempted to define me and my thoughts as a woman by my experiences of rape and sexual abuse (that more often affects women, Im sure you'd agree) without realising how truly awful it is for a rape victim to have someone do it. You actively participate in sexism and oppression against women and you cant even see it (and yes, women who dismiss what sexual abuse victims say because they're too 'damaged' by abuse to think rationally are oppressive)

OP - you said you were going to have a talk with your wife last night. Did it happen?

How old are your children? You said that sex stopped once you conceived your second child - does that mean your youngest is under 18 months? If so, toddlers can be very exhausting!

But I think it's very likely that she was never attracted to you. Two weeks before you consummated your marriage?!

If I were you I would need to have an honest frank discussion about the state of the marriage, and if she sees it changing at all, and what you could do to make things better. If the discussion doesn't move you forward at all, next step is relationship counselling. She may say things to a professional that she wouldn't think to say to you.

I think if a sex life is very important to you, you may need to move on. I doubt your wife will ever be interested in an active sex life (Or not with you anyway, sorry!) If your family is the priority maybe resign yourself to the situation and make a monthly arrangement with an escort agency - but do NOT try it on with your colleagues!

But porn isnt 'mens sexuality'- plenty of women watch it aswell!

And yes I think on balance someone's 'freedom' to produce porn which portrays what you describe as 'fantasy' and what I describe as unrealistic and misogynistic in the main (porn by women for women is extremely niche) or someone's 'freedom' to make money by exploiting people who sell their bodies is something which should be limited. Freedom is commonly limited by the public interest.