Not had sex for almost two years

[Olliedelondon]

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

Ahem...

22 you said;

And anyone who thinks a man can be deprived of sex for years and will not look elsewhere is bloody kidding themselves, and tbh I cannot blame these people who have no intimacy in their lives whatsoever.

And

I've not been in the mood plenty of times but as soon as the intimacy starts I get right revved up, maybe the OP's wife just isnt allowing herself to get intimate or feel any closeness and thats why she never wants sex. I was sexually abused as a child aswell so I am aware of other problems that can put people off sex. Still don't think I'm entitled to impose a sexless existence on my DP because of my own issues.

As I've said repeatedly I have never said a man needs to do housework to get sex, that is what you keep saying me and other posters have said. You keep getting your knickers in a twist about various things that you assume have been said when they haven't.

I think it is having a low opinion of men and low expectations of your position as a woman that men will cheat if women don't have sex they don't enthusiastically consent to and yes that is blackmail - if I don't do this he'll cheat is not a feeling that should influence your choice to have sex.

And it's nothing to do with your age beyond that you haven't had the experience necessary to back up your judgements and extrapolations. It's your arrogance in telling other posters what is happening in their private lives - I'm insecure, not a fully sexual being, my relationship was dead that's why the sex was crap, on and on and on with the personal assumptions and attacks despite having no information on which to base the assumptions just prejudice about people with different views to you being inferior. Also arrogance in making stupid sweeping statements, based on one woman you know, about women not liking sex, not masturbating, just wanting babies and on your experience as a sex worker perhaps convincing you that men cheat if they are deprived of sex.

You seem to have issues with understanding consent and be very sympathetic to the idea that women are to blame for unsatisfying relationships which apparently cause the poor men to visit escorts but you think if women want pleasure they have to take control because it can't be expected of men. Women always seem to be to blame in your mind and despite all along me saying it is the op's attitude that ticked me off not his gender you keep making things up and getting irate about them.

As a broader point, there are two jobs in a family; earning money and caring work. When one partner is a single earner they sometimes decide they don't need to do any caring work anymore. The natural consequence of that is that the people in the family feel they aren't cared for and it is a risk to the family. You can't therefore expect to decide only to earn money and outsource your responsibility to care for your spouse and children and that this will not negatively affect your relationships with them because you are 'doing your bit' what use are you to your family if you only contribute money - you can do that whether you stay as a family unit or not. If you don't mind this marginalisation of yourself as a consequence then fine but if you do perhaps you should consider scaling back work commitments in order to be a loving presence, working for future school fees for example is not more important.

And I might remind you that you are talking to me personally. If you have seen me personally on a thread supporting disparaging talk about a husband please link. In fact if you can link to this supposed sexism at all it would be helpful as when silverlight tried that it was absolute made up bollocks when you read the thread.

Offsted I cannot believe how badly you misinterpreted both of those posts. The first one 'a man can be deprived...' could have easily said woman or people, I only put man because in this instance we are talking about a man! I did also put in one of those posts that it is still not an excuse for cheating but that I can understand why someone would.

The last part, christ almighty! I am not always in the mood for sex but I have found often that when I get close and intimate with my DP in other ways I start to feel in the mood! That doesnt equate to 'I deliberately get myself in the mood so I dont deprive my DP'- it was me merely pointing out that cuddling and kissing etc gets me in the mood often. I also did not say that my DP becomes intimate purely for sex, he definately doesnt. No, I do not think anyone should deprive their OH of intimacy long term, because of the issues it causes. I accept there may be reasons for it, but in this situation the OP's wife is not even willing to discuss her lack of desire, she appears to just expect him to put up and shut up. And I dont think any partner in an intimate relationship should have to do such a thing, man or woman. We've already heard what a complete lack of desire from the DH's side did to a female poster earlier on, causing her to be so miserable she gained 10 stone.

Also Offsted you must have missed the post where I stated I feel sorry for men who go long term without intimacy because most of them are good men who do not want to cheat or leave.

I am well aware every man would not cheat deprived of sex for a long time. I am also aware that some women would cheat (we have one example on this thread), so its here nor there which gender someone was, my point was I have sympathy for someone who is deprived of all intimacy for so long they get drawn to cheat, man or woman. You seem to be ignoring the fact the vast majority of the points I have made I have specifically stated it applies to men aswell.

'And it's nothing to do with your age beyond that you haven't had the experience necessary to back up your judgements and extrapolations.'

How do you know what experience I have had or not? For a start I've had more sexual experience than a 35 year old virgin. What a totally incorrect statement. Experience in what?

I will add you havnt had the experience in prostitution I have yet still seem to think you know that its the reasoning behind my opinions, how can you even so much as comment if you havnt had the experience in prostitution yourself? See what I did there. Your a massive hypocrite.

As a broader point, there are two jobs in a family; earning money and caring work. When one partner is a single earner they sometimes decide they don't need to do any caring work anymore. The natural consequence of that is that the people in the family feel they aren't cared for and it is a risk to the family. You can't therefore expect to decide only to earn money and outsource your responsibility to care for your spouse and children and that this will not negatively affect your relationships with them because you are 'doing your bit'

You could say the exact same thing about someone expecting one partner to bare the full brunt of the familys financial situation. Should men (or women who have stay at home dads looking after their kids) be crying and feeling hard done by that the other partner has decided they arn't to contribute to the families finances anymore?

You could say also that you 'cant therefore expect to decide only to look after your children and outsource your responsibility to financially provide for your family (and also it seems, never attempt intimacy with your partner again) and that this will not negatively affect your relationship with them because you are 'doing your bit'

It works both ways, FGS! Plus OP never said he does nothing he specifically stated he has a great relationship with his children and does lots with them.

Except that you haven't 22. You made one post saying that you meant to write people rather than men or women but to be frank I don't believe that and think it is simply back-pedalling after being caught out because you have made a huge number of posts specifying what is common for women based on what you've read in magazines or what your SIL has said (or what is reported to you about what she is doing) and in that post you used people but reverted to men specifically in that point.

If you are saying you take back all those sexist things about poor men cheating and women not liking sex and just doing it fulfil the biological need to bear children and you actually think they can apply to any person rather than being specifically divided into men's sexuality = manipulative and abusive and women are frigid baby machines who don't deserve a man who is proactive about their pleasure then great - there's no problem between us. Maybe be a bit more careful with your choice of words next time, we can only respond to the ones you choose to use.

And yes you could say that about earning money. Many women don't physically have the option of working, perhaps the op's wife could because he runs the business and she could work in it.

2 years without sex must be hard and I suggest counselling might help? I've used relate in the past and they are great and impartial. Perhaps approach it as wanting to open lines of communication and intimacy rather then bringing up sex straight away as your wife may be feeling defensive about that. She is as aware as you, I'm sure, that you haven't had sex for two years and perhaps just needs some support. I hope you work it out

No I'm just reading what you said re prostitution about the poor guilty men coming to you for comfort. Are you saying your reported experience there was inaccurate?

'I think it is having a low opinion of men and low expectations of your position as a woman that men will cheat if women don't have sex they don't enthusiastically consent to and yes that is blackmail - if I don't do this he'll cheat is not a feeling that should influence your choice to have sex.'

I have honestly never said anything of the sort. Where do you honestly get this from? There is a great likilihood (this doesnt mean it is guaranteed) anyone will cheat if deprived of intimacy for years on end, we have an example on this thread of a woman who did such a thing. It's nothing to do with my thoughts of men, my expectations or any other bullshit you keep pretending it to be.

Blackmail? What the actual fuck? I never said that I feel if I don't have sex a man will cheat. I said its not surprising if they do, which it isn't. People do cheat when they have no intimacy for a long time, doesnt mean every person would. You seem to truly believe its ok to never have sex with your partner again and that if they stray it is purely their fault. That is fucking bullshit.

And just because I dont find it surprising doesnt mean I condone cheating due to no sex! Just that when its going on for years I can understand it. And its got nothing to do with men or my expectations of them, and everything to do with simple human nature. Again see your other supportive poster who is a female who cheated after years of no intimacy (and received understanding, which I doubt she would have had she been male)

Well you can ask darkest how supportive I've been of her cheating if you like.

There's no need to go through years of a lack of intimacy. Grow up, take responsibility and either sort it out or split up. Can't stick this whining about no sex resulting in affairs.

Yes I had several men who seemed rather guilty and often volunteered they struggled with a lack of intimacy at home. Obviously each situation was different (and yes I know people are not always truthful but these people dont have any reason to lie about such things, and I never ask for info, they volunteer it themselves) and each person is different and has their own reasons for the choices they make.

I didnt feel sorry for the 'poor' men, by the way. Just merely stated I felt they didnt really want to be there and was told by many they didn't have sex and were just dying to get close to a woman and it made them feel unattractive and dead. They wernt all men dying for some rough, misogynistic porno sex. Every man was completely different in every way though and there isnt a way to describe a typical client, its not that relevant to the thread anyway.

never 'asked', i dont do it anymore!

I did say in an earlier post what they should do is split up, not cheat.

Experience of motherhood and adulthood I was referring to. Having a tough time as a child and being given adult responsibilities makes you a child with adult responsibilities it doesn't make you an adult. It was particularly objectionable to lecture people who have had their lives constrained by what society feels motherhood should be when you have not yet experienced it. As I said before, fine to have your own view, bit of a poor effort to lecture women about the validity of their experiences.

'And yes you could say that about earning money. Many women don't physically have the option of working, perhaps the op's wife could because he runs the business and she could work in it.'

Many people don't physically have the option of working these days! Lots of people are unemployed through no fault of their own and surely when a couple decides to have children they come to some sort of agreement about childcare as obviously someone has to do it? Are you saying many women are unable to assert themselves to their husbands that they would like to go back to work/study?

I havnt back peddled anything at all, Ive explained several times and even given examples of you completely misinterpreting nearly everything I have said. Read my beginning posts, I stated several times everything I said applied to women also applies to men, I'm not going to repeat this yet again.

This all came from me stating some people are apathetic to sex and don't derive much pleasure from it which is something I truly believe as I have spoken to people who have stated this themselves such as a man on another forum who is asexual and has no interest in masturbating or orgasms as a consequence (also everything I've said about SIL is information she has offered me herself) and you taking this completely the wrong way and insinuating you know what every single woman is thinking and that infact they are all dying for sex and orgasms but not getting them because men all watch porn and have their views of sex affected by it, subsequently making them shit in bed because they believe incorrect myths about where a woman can orgasm from (you seemed particularly hung up on this issue for some reason). YOU are the one who keeps applying things to a whole gender.

I've not done that once. I've not said any of those things. You said women/men not people. You are now saying you meant people. I'm saying if that's what you meant that is what you should have said because in actual fact you used the words women and men to make quite specific points.

I didnt have a tough time as a child or any adult responsibilities (this was an example, not me talking about myself fgs), it still means a person will have an idea about domestic drudgery which is what we were discussing. A poster on this very thread giving advice was not a mother, so again a moot point (funnily enough because she was supporting your point you failed to bring it up to try and counter her argument, funny really)

What do you feel motherhood should be compared to what society thinks it is? Please let me know, and also let me know what other women were hoping for when they embarked on motherhood because seemingly you know what each and every mother feels like, because you are one yourself.

You tried lecturing me on the validity of my experiences and thoughts purely because of my past, and you have the cheek to say I do the same thing because I dare comment on a post where the woman in question was a mother? Yet again you don't dismiss another posters points because they arn't a mother, but you do it to me purely because I hold an opposing stance to you? By the way, several women who are mothers and are much older than me have stated they agree with my points. What do you say about that, now you can no longer get personal about it?

It's not because you have a different view. It is because you arrogantly pronounced other people's views are not valid in what was quite a damaging way - basically denying that sexism still oppresses women. That's quite an important thing tbh.

Thats because the OP in this thread is a man and his partner is a woman, and I was describing it within the context of his situation - ie when I said 'some women are apathetic to sex and just not interested in it - and after I said that I also stated I knew full well this applied to some men aswell but in my personal opinion and experience it seems there is more women who feel this way than men. I have also said there is a myriad of reasons for this, I've never denied any of the points you put across about her feeling tired or fat etc but you seemed to recoil with my opinion that some people just arnt into sex?]

Its like you want to believe everyone in the world just loves sex and wants to have it all the time but they dont because society/porn/men or whatever is ruining it for everyone.

And I've not lectured you about the validity of your experiences. I've been annoyed by you pronouncing you know better than other people what has happened to them in their lives and said if you want to express a view that's fine but it's inappropriate to lecture women about the validity of their experiences when you are yet to actually have those same experiences.